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dsmith
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Default Jan 21, 2021 at 01:17 PM
  #1
I am so tired of working with my wife. I honestly wanted to send her a “nastygram,” but I don’t see the point. I’ll keep bottling up my rage inside and talk to my therapist.

We almost divorced 5 years ago. She tried to blame it all on my bipolar disorder, but I’m now starting to think that I may have not been too off the mark.

Honestly I feel like the only reason I continue to stay in this marriage is because I tried living solo for a year and it ended in disaster - I put on 20 lbs, developed a horrible chain smoking habit, ate complete garbage 24/7, and racked up almost a 100k in debt. She "nursed" me back to health and let me help out with her business. But honestly I am wondering if I can go on like this.

Also it makes my skin crawl being around her, being on calls with her, hearing her laugh, and how she talks...

I'm reminded of that song "Drive" by The Cars:

You can't go on
Thinking nothing's wrong, oh no
Who's gonna drive you home
Tonight?

Anyway – here’s the note I planned to send; feel free to weigh in.

-------------------------------

I'm thinking it might be better if you just go ahead and make these decisions and just go ahead working on all this stuff w/o me...

i know what you're going to say - "Ok fine I'll do it all..." or "what do you want me to say..."...

I know you like to take on 1 million things and stressing yourself out, endangering your health, and spending money on new things, but some of us are not wired that way.

I know you'll say "it's fine, i'll just do it all" but I figured I'd let you know what's going on in my head. And I'm conveying it to you this way because if I try to talk to you you’ll just flip out and it’ll stress me out more. This is about everything – the book, the website, the social media, all the services you’re planning on launching.

I honestly think you should just keep going at 1 million miles per second and digging yourself an early grave, and getting pissed off at anyone who doesn’t go along with you. You ask for people’s input and then tell them that you don’t agree, and that you’re going to do it your way anyone.

I would like to continue working as it gives me some purpose, but I’m really not sure how I can continue at this pace. I know you’ll say this is harsh, but I’m wondering if you should go hire another employee that quits after 2-3 weeks.

So take this however you like; just thought I’d let you know I feel.
-------------------------------

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Default Jan 21, 2021 at 02:49 PM
  #2
The letter is passive-aggressive. What is your goal? Divorce? Stay married but be unemployed? Stay married and get a job working somewhere else? It just sounds like a bunch of complaining and will go in one ear and out the other.

Focus on your goal and take action. Don't bother with these notes that say nothing.
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dsmith
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Default Jan 21, 2021 at 09:38 PM
  #3
My goal was to vent and release my frustrations so I could deal with them and move on.

I should have clarified that I don't plan to send the email. Its the equivalent of writing an angry letter and then ripping it up.

But hey, thanks for stopping by and weighing in.

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Default Jan 21, 2021 at 10:31 PM
  #4
Hi dsmith it’s good that you wrote out your frustration and asked for help. I am sorry you are so frustrated and it sounds like your wife expects others to be able to keep up with her desire to work at such a fast pace. Ugh I can relate as my husband can be like that and it can actually get intrusive as he can take over my personal mental space. You sound like a person that needs to be able to work at your own pace and have your own mental space.

It sounds like your wife cares but doesn’t understand your need for space and can get stressed when having to keep up with her pace. My husband has adhd and I can’t keep up with his pace at all. I don’t think I would fair well working with him in a business so I hear you. Can you find something you can do that is separate from your wife?
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Default Jan 22, 2021 at 10:05 AM
  #5
Thanks for the input. Glad to hear from someone who can sympathize with my situation.

I honestly think this is a factor of COVID...for the last year we've been cooped up working together and living together 24/7. After nearly going completely broke four years ago I have an extreme aversion to spending money, which she seems to be less concerned by. But that's sometimes the only way to get ahead in a business. I always penny pinch and try to do things on my own. As a result I overstretch myself and end up getting very little done (I also have ADHD). But she takes it as my lack of a desire to help her.

Yesterday I told her that I support her, but have an extreme fear of going broke because of my previous traumas. I think now we're more on the same page.

Still though, I'm extremely exhausted today. Hopefully at some point things will slow down even for a brief time. I think the change in the presidential administration will help. The last four years have felt like a giant knee on my neck, and now we're returning back to some level of normalcy. The news headlines are somewhat humdrum and boring. And that's just the way I like it. The last four years were an interminable reality show; that's not bearable.

Anyway, thanks again Open Eyes

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Default Jan 22, 2021 at 11:26 AM
  #6
So Sorry things are being so stressful for you. Please feel free to vent here and definitely talk to your therapist about this. It seems like she's at least trying to improve things somewhat, right? Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @dsmith, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Default Jan 22, 2021 at 05:25 PM
  #7
I really appreciate the affirmation. Yes, she has a good heart and good intentions. She's used to being the "Superwoman" and defying all obstacles put in her path and refuses to give up. Her results in the end are commendable. However, along the way she also makes horrible decisions. She signed up for a professional organization membership (7,000), a stupid social media training class (8,000) exercise equipment that she doesn't use (14,000).

I seriously don't know where she expects this all to end. I get stressed out super-sizing my meal at McDonald's (again, because I'm traumatized by almost going broke when I was manic), whereas she doesn't bat an eye spending tens of thousands of dollars.

I am a total wimp though. I am unable to stand up to her or anyone else. I get all tongue-tied and stressed out, and then whine when things don't go my way.

Gotta go. I've got 100 things she's thrown my way that I need to get through. It's ok though; it keeps me busy, and distracts me from focusing on what a failure I am, and how much I can't stand being around my family.

Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer.

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Default Jan 22, 2021 at 10:34 PM
  #8
@dsmith you are not a Debbie downer. Instead you are frustrated and needed to vent. Yes the past year has been very stressful for a lot of people. It’s understandable how it’s been difficult working with your wife and being coupled up. As I mentioned my husband has adhd and he hates being cooped up. He just goes for a ride so he experiences the motion that calms him down. Maybe you would fair better if you took breaks and walked? If you drink coffee maybe cut back? One thing I know is those with adhd have to be able to work at their own pace.

My husband got frustrated with the political drama as well. So you are not alone in that.
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Default Jan 23, 2021 at 01:57 PM
  #9
Could you both come up with a compromise? For instance, have X amount in savings and decide to spend / play with Y amount of money.

This way, if things go pear-shaped, you would still have a nest egg and not lose *everything*.
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Default Jan 23, 2021 at 02:14 PM
  #10
Is there a chance for you to work somewhere else? Do something else? From home or not? It sounds stressful. I am not surprised you are stressed. Maybe your marriage would improve if you two didn't work together?
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Default Jan 24, 2021 at 05:26 PM
  #11
Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
@dsmith you are not a Debbie downer. Instead you are frustrated and needed to vent. Yes the past year has been very stressful for a lot of people. It’s understandable how it’s been difficult working with your wife and being coupled up. As I mentioned my husband has adhd and he hates being cooped up. He just goes for a ride so he experiences the motion that calms him down. Maybe you would fair better if you took breaks and walked? If you drink coffee maybe cut back? One thing I know is those with adhd have to be able to work at their own pace.

My husband got frustrated with the political drama as well. So you are not alone in that.
@Open Eyes – I’m glad you understand why I put my thoughts on paper (or an electronic version thereof). This type of feedback really makes me feel supported, and it’s why I love this community.

I definitely do try to make time for breaks. I even have an alarm on my calendar that just says lunch at 12:15. I'm thinking maybe add one at 10am and 2pm as a reminder; otherwise I may just end up working straight through lunch and feel fatigued in the afternoon. It's a problem because after lunch I feel very lethargic and downtrodden.

You are so right! People with ADHD (and Bipolar disorder, which I have) definitely need to work at their own pace. I know I’m fairly intelligent (have two advanced degrees, including an MBA from a top school – sorry, don’t mean to brag), but I fared miserably in the corporate world.

I worked in a hum-drum 9 to 5 job at a 2nd tier financial services for 6 months. They wanted to make me permanent, at a good salary, but I unfortunately didn’t take it. I knew that it would be too much for me.

Re: coffee, I changed to black coffee. It doesn’t taste as good, but at least it wakes me up without making me “toss my cookies.”

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Last edited by FooZe; Jan 25, 2021 at 05:50 AM.. Reason: Administrative edit to bring within guidelines
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Default Jan 24, 2021 at 07:52 PM
  #12
I think it's important to know what kind of environment works best for you. Both my brother and husband have ADHD and neither of them can work in the scenario you have described that you ended up walking away from. My brother works in the corporate world but he is constantly traveling so that works well for his need for motion. My husband is in the construction business and for a while he was bartending at night too and both those jobs keep him in motion.

My therapist's wife has ADHD and so does his son. His wife has a genius IQ so having ADHD doesn't mean a person is not intelligent enough. My therapist told me that what helps his son fair better at paying attention is they have him sit on one of those huge bouncy balls while he is learning or watching TV. LOL, after he shared that with me and I sat with my husband that night and saw him fidgeting as he tends to be so restless and noisey, all I could think of is how a huge bouncy ball might help him too. I was actually thinking that perhaps if you had some kind of vibrating pad that you could sit on while you work it actually may have a calming affect on you.

Ugh, being cooped up with a presence hovering over you with what you describe can most definitely be a challenge. No wonder you are so stifled. Having Bipolar can also present an additional challenge of it's own and that can take time to control better when it comes to finding the right medication and dose to make it more manageable. I have a family member that struggles with that challenge and once I learned what it was a lot of things made more sense.

I think your venting here gave you an outlet you needed. Sometimes we all need a good vent.

Last edited by FooZe; Jan 25, 2021 at 05:51 AM.. Reason: Administrative edit to bring within guidelines
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Default Jan 25, 2021 at 12:14 AM
  #13
This thread is being reopened. Please take care to limit your discussion of politics.
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