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Default Jan 27, 2021 at 02:38 PM
  #41
It’s a very interesting topic. For a while I thought LinkedIn was “the cat’s pajamas.” I kept thinking it was a great substitute for in person interaction. Kind of like a “virtual watercooler.”

But then I quickly grew tired of it. Felt compelled to comment on other people’s posts, and get these very empty “high fives” or likes. Then I’d feel inferior because none of my posts got any “love.”

Facebook has become too political. I remember the good old days (maybe about 10 yrs ago), when it was a place where you could share the latest goings on in your life, have light, frivolous conversations with friends, and re-connect with long lost classmates / relatives from eons ago.

Now it’s become a breeding ground for negative comments, and incendiary rhetoric. Also, I never post anything personal because I’m afraid of all the stalkers / miscreants out there, and feel like “Big Brother” is watching.

I’m increasingly finding this site to be a good place to unload, get some food for thought, and perhaps strike up some online friendship to keep the loneliness and isolation at bay.

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Default Jan 27, 2021 at 02:44 PM
  #42
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It’s a very interesting topic. For a while I thought LinkedIn was “the cat’s pajamas.” I kept thinking it was a great substitute for in person interaction. Kind of like a “virtual watercooler.”

But then I quickly grew tired of it. Felt compelled to comment on other people’s posts, and get these very empty “high fives” or likes. Then I’d feel inferior because none of my posts got any “love.”

Facebook has become too political. I remember the good old days (maybe about 10 yrs ago), when it was a place where you could share the latest goings on in your life, have light, frivolous conversations with friends, and re-connect with long lost classmates / relatives from eons ago.

Now it’s become a breeding ground for negative comments, and incendiary rhetoric. Also, I never post anything personal because I’m afraid of all the stalkers / miscreants out there, and feel like “Big Brother” is watching.

I’m increasingly finding this site to be a good place to unload, get some food for thought, and perhaps strike up some online friendship to keep the loneliness and isolation at bay.
This is because you see like-minded people here. And this is the main need human being need and feel appealing.

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Default Jan 27, 2021 at 03:01 PM
  #43
Totally agree. The main thing I like is that it’s anonymous, and it’s not a place where I need to “whitewash” my commentary to try to look more professional. I can be myself, be real, and be vulnerable. I love the feedback I get, and can relate to so many posts here.

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Default Jan 27, 2021 at 07:29 PM
  #44
I think it’s perfectly fine to have high standards and high expectations but it has to match what kind of people you befriend and get involved with. If they aren’t high standards people or simply are not right for you as friends or more, then expecting something that they cannot deliver isn’t serving any purpose. If you have high standards in people, then you should go for high standards people.

I think you open up and trust people quickly and only see good in them without getting to know them well or not paying attention to details and sadly they turn out to be jerks quite often. You just didn’t see it.

In addition if you frequently befriend or otherwise entangle yourself with people who are unwell, it’s only understandable they will exhibit “unwell” behaviors. I am not saying you shouldn’t befriend struggling people but you should be prepared for them exhibiting troublesome behaviors.

I think becoming more discerning and choosy and becoming less trusting in a way would save you some headache (both online and in person)
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Default Jan 28, 2021 at 01:15 PM
  #45
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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
I think it’s perfectly fine to have high standards and high expectations but it has to match what kind of people you befriend and get involved with. If they aren’t high standards people or simply are not right for you as friends or more, then expecting something that they cannot deliver isn’t serving any purpose. If you have high standards in people, then you should go for high standards people.

I think you open up and trust people quickly and only see good in them without getting to know them well or not paying attention to details and sadly they turn out to be jerks quite often. You just didn’t see it.

In addition if you frequently befriend or otherwise entangle yourself with people who are unwell, it’s only understandable they will exhibit “unwell” behaviors. I am not saying you shouldn’t befriend struggling people but you should be prepared for them exhibiting troublesome behaviors.

I think becoming more discerning and choosy and becoming less trusting in a way would save you some headache (both online and in person)
This couldn't be more true for myself right now.

To digress a bit, I am finding my way through new and old IRL friendships right now. I just severed two friendships that were not serving me well. I had determined that these two women are not my true friends, so I said goodbye. I am learning through the darkest of times who these true friends really are. And I have NO patience for anyone in my life who cannot be a true friend to me and vice versa.

I've learned through the darkest of times that I can count on just a few of my closest and dearest friends - actually, there's about four of them that I can truly count on, women and men.

I cut off one female who moved out west and who hasn't lifted a finger to be in touch with me since she's gone. Another one barely responds to me, so I cut her out.

And a new-ish woman in my life proved herself to be very fickle, so I won't be pursuing that friendship.

I desire only quality friendships.... sure, I can be surface level friends with many different people, but those are just for fun times and not hard times.

The same will hold true for any new men I meet in my life.

I am done with sub-par friendships and relationships altogether. Perhaps I needed this marriage to help me to finally reach this point in my life.

So, yes, I am in full agreement with you!

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Default Jan 29, 2021 at 06:54 AM
  #46
SO, as I had just written above, I cut off an online friendship just this week.

I met this woman years ago on another MH forum. She is a moderator there. We became friendly and started Skyping eventually. At first, we talked often and a lot and at first, she was very responsive to me. Then over the years, she became less and less responsive. I tried to stop Skyping with her at one point, but she begged me to stay and she promised to be more responsive. Then, after several more months of her NOT being responsive, I had finally had enough so I told her I am dropping her from Skype.

Her response? "I have a life and my own problems".

So I told her she is not a good friend of mine, that I am having the hardest time in my entire life right now, and that she hasn't been there for me. So I dropped her.

And honestly I feel good about it - no guilt - no remorse. I am taking care of ME and I am watching out for #1. If someone can't be there for me, what's the freaking point of continuing a long distance, online friendship? NONE.

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Default Jan 29, 2021 at 07:12 AM
  #47
In my teens, I had a good and normal online friend for a few months. This was a time where all I had was a computer (not a movable laptop). My phone didn't have internet. I got a boyfriend and I practically moved in with him. The days passed and while I did write him again, he was understandably hurt and his answer short. I wrote him again, but he never answered.

What I mean to say is that real life can get in the way. I still think of him sometimes, espacially about the beautiful poetry he wrote, and I am very sorry I didn't take the time to write him at the beginning of my realitionship. I do think I would act differently now, for as we get older, we get hurt, and that makes it easier to understand the pain you can inflict on others.

I am very sorry this happened to you.
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Default Jan 29, 2021 at 07:21 AM
  #48
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In my teens, I had a good and normal online friend for a few months. This was a time where all I had was a computer (not a movable laptop). My phone didn't have internet. I got a boyfriend and I practically moved in with him. The days passed and while I did write him again, he was understandably hurt and his answer short. I wrote him again, but he never answered.

What I mean to say is that real life can get in the way. I still think of him sometimes, espacially about the beautiful poetry he wrote, and I am very sorry I didn't take the time to write him at the beginning of my realitionship. I do think I would act differently now, for as we get older, we get hurt, and that makes it easier to understand the pain you can inflict on others.

I am very sorry this happened to you.
Thank you for this. I do understand when life gets in the way.

With this one online friend I just spoke about, I had already expressed my hurt to her for her lack of responsiveness and I had wanted to drop her from Skype. She was the one who begged me to stay. She improved for a little while, then slipped right back into not being responsive again. I would see that she had been online and had logged in to Skype, but hadn't replied to my messages. So it was hurtful behavior and I just cannot deal with that kind of person. I don't need that kind of co called "friend" in my life.

Friendships ebb and flow. Some people are meant to stay, and other friendships are not meant to be long-term.

Right now in my life, I want to be very picky and choosey about my friendships. I want only quality friendships in my life at this stage.

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Default Jan 29, 2021 at 07:26 AM
  #49
I agree, me too. I'm getting to old for fast-and-loose friendships. I would but gently suggest you don't shy away from any risks alltogether, as getting to know/ befriending anyone, online or not, always involves the risk of them leaving.
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Default Jan 29, 2021 at 07:33 AM
  #50
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I agree, me too. I'm getting to old for fast-and-loose friendships. I would but gently suggest you don't shy away from any risks alltogether, as getting to know/ befriending anyone, online or not, always involves the risk of them leaving.
You're right! There are risks involved. But I now want to be more guarded and careful with my heart and with whom I choose to share details of my life.

I got sort of close to this one woman IRL, and she turned out to be really flaky. So I haven't pursued the friendship. She would text, telling me to call her as soon as I woke up, or she would say things like "love you" and "miss you", and then whenever I would call or reply, she wouldn't pick up the phone or reply back. So I gave up trying after a couple weeks of this.

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Default Jan 29, 2021 at 07:39 AM
  #51
Yes, that's flaky alright. Doesn't sound like fun.

And fair enough, you should take care of your heart and I hope you will meet people worthy of it.

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Default Jan 29, 2021 at 07:40 AM
  #52
I honestly find it curious how you befriend all these strangers in online forums up to the point to Skyping often and trying to continue these friendships for years.

I am not saying you can’t make friends online (maybe one or a couple) but it seems like a very high number of people.

None of my friends have these type of online friendships with people they’ve never met. I have friends who live far but they or I moved and keep friendships. It’s different.

Also with these high number of online people how do you keep this regular communication and expect them to regularly respond (you aren’t ok with occasional catching up). Is it possible they just can’t keep up with your expectation of regular correspondence? How is it physically possible?

Is it possible you created these friendships when you were lonely and perhaps not very busy with things happening in real life and they were in the same boat but then it changed, life interfered. I can’t imagine Skyping to whole bunch of online people. There’s only 24 hours in a day.

When pandemics slow down I’d focus on cultivating couple of in person friendships and try to find fulfilling activities in your life and perhaps resume therapy. These online friendships don’t seem to work out with the expectation you have. It sounds more stress than it’s worth
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Default Jan 29, 2021 at 07:44 AM
  #53
It's not a ton of people that I've befriended online. Just a few! And yes, it was during a lonelier time in my life and during a major hardship that I formed these so called friendships.

I will definitely focus more on my IRL friendships. I just cannot rely on online friends anymore, or so I've learned. And yes, perhaps it's my own expectations that are in the way, but I am who I am and I cannot change that.

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Default Mar 26, 2021 at 11:58 PM
  #54
It hurts when people do that. If you've only exchanged a few emails though, it's common to just disappear instead of just telling people directly that they don't think that they have much in common with you. I usually give people a reason if I stop talking to them, but only if I think that they won't end up getting upset with me. I think that people are afraid of how the other person will react to being rejected.
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Default Apr 03, 2021 at 01:19 PM
  #55
All of us do that, online or irl. When we don’t feel a connection with the other person we don’t go ahead with this contact.

If you guys and gals, knew how many times I have been rejected as a good company, especially irl, but we cannot have a good connection with everybody.
People have their needs and preferences.
I’m socially awkward so I can’t expect to be the apple of many people eyes. It takes to me a long time to make a friendship and mainly there are based of things we share in common(specially ideas and a way to face life and situations). It’s not easy online or irl.

I have contact with different people because I have two doggies and I socialised myself with the owners, well, I seldom feel comfortable with them. Only a few exceptions. Does it mean the others are inadequate . No, it doesn’t. Only, there is this guy who is more happy-lucky than me and more extrovert and get on better with my partner, there is the woman who is always talking about herself and how special she and her dog is and doesn’t let me to say a word. Then, there is this kind lady or this kind man who share with me about themselves because they trust me. They feel comfortable with me.
Then, there is this other girl who quickly invited me to visit her to her cottage, very extrovert and a lover of animals like me, but I couldn’t go so fast to share place and holidays with another person.

So, you see as my reaction is different with people the same as their reactions are different with me. The same happen with you. Only different is that you, Hope, are more open and extrovert with people than me. This is good. It gives you the opportunity to meet more people than me, but don’t forget that maybe they are not in the same flow as you. Any relation is a taken and given, it’s a double direction and if you don’t feel correspond or the other person doesn’t feel correspond, there will no equality. No respect, no connection.

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Default Apr 04, 2021 at 05:05 AM
  #56
@AzulOscuro, I know this already, but thanks....

One woman who ghosted me came back three years later, telling me she was ashamed to admit she was having a really hard time. I could not forgive her for ghosting me three years ago, as this hurt me tremendously.

And what I am talking about is GHOSTING someone, after months or even years of communications. Not just deciding that someone is not the best fit and letting the friendship die on its own. I am talking about literally abandoning someone who has been a good friend.... I was a very good friend to the people I am talking about, and I certainly did not deserve to be ghosted in the cruel manner that I was - I deserved better than that.

Ghosting in my particular situation was very cruel. I can understand ghosting when not much of a connection was established, but not when a true friendship has been established.

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Default Apr 06, 2021 at 10:01 AM
  #57
I understand it.
It’s hard to know who is a true friend and who isn’t. As much as you have gone deep down in this relation. Ignoring someone is harsh and mean however it’s something that is easier to do for some people, online.

I was thinking. Each case is different. There are other options for someone else goes distance. Maybe, you did something that bothered the other person or (s)he did something that in his/her mind could have bothered you and this person doesn’t dare to talk. Each person is a whole world. People can get bothered by the most insignificant things and you went all eyebrows up without a clue as to what happened.

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Default Apr 06, 2021 at 02:55 PM
  #58
To be honest, I'm long over it...

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Default Apr 07, 2021 at 04:11 AM
  #59
I want to thank you, have hope, for starting this thread. It helped me so much to read everyone's experiences with friendships. I'm unable to form friendships. I'm an introvert and not much of a talker so I'm boring to be around. Also I'm in an isolated situation so there aren't people to connect with anyway.
I think I have anti-charisma. My father was the same. I was feeling pretty desperate until I read this thread and felt that there are others who feel like I do. So. Thank you.
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Default Apr 07, 2021 at 03:34 PM
  #60
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I want to thank you, have hope, for starting this thread. It helped me so much to read everyone's experiences with friendships. I'm unable to form friendships. I'm an introvert and not much of a talker so I'm boring to be around. Also I'm in an isolated situation so there aren't people to connect with anyway.
I think I have anti-charisma. My father was the same. I was feeling pretty desperate until I read this thread and felt that there are others who feel like I do. So. Thank you.
Sometimes, charisma is only good for messing up around. Each person is different and not all have to be bubbly and outgoing to enjoy true friendship. Many times you can connect with people because they have other attributes as being honest, being good people, trustworthy, a good listener.
Please, try to take it out of your mind that about you not having charisma. I’m sure you have lots of good qualities, only you can’t see them.

Maybe your problem is more about you being isolated and not having the opportunity to relate with other people.

I’m an introvert, social awkward, social phobic, full of insecurities but still I have a couple of people I can call true friends. It’s not easy being an introvert. I understand it. And these times we are living in seems to be hostile for many people to bound strong connections, because many people is so focussed on their own struggles and the demanding imposed by our current society that it seems we are less connected, we have less time and you know, too much engaged with our own matters.
Don’t lose hope.

My point in this thread is that each case is different. I made two strong online connections and I have been knowing one of this person for eleven years and another for five. We had have our arguments (I’m not an easy-going person) but in the end, they showed me how good persons they are.

The only thing that is different with people you know online is that if there isn’t a good friendship, it’s easier for the other person to cut you off by simply ignoring you or blocking you up. In the end, you are not gonna rush with this person in the street, at work or wherever.

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