Online friendships: I give up

Have Hope · Jan 22, 2021 at 01:36 PM

I decided I am DONE with online friendships.

I've been ghosted TWICE by two friends I met online. We emailed back and forth for a very long time. Then suddenly, they both just completely disappeared.

What is it about online friendships that make people think they can be dismissive and rude like that?

I find ghosting to be most hurtful.

MickeyCheeky · Jan 22, 2021 at 01:46 PM

So Sorry you're having bad experiences. Online friendships and relationships can be complicated but they can work out in my opinion. Perhaps it would be good to let people whom are interested in friendship know in advance that replying to your messages in a reasonable time-frame is important for you? i am not sure if that'd come off as abrasive or something. In any case it is up to you to decide. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Have Hope, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Have Hope · Jan 22, 2021 at 01:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

So Sorry you're having bad experiences. Online friendships and relationships can be complicated but they can work out in my opinion. Perhaps it would be good to let people whom are interested in friendship know in advance that replying to your messages in a reasonable time-frame is important for you? i am not sure if that'd come off as abrasive or something. In any case it is up to you to decide. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Have Hope, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Thanks, Mickey. I've really only had one online friendship work out. It has transformed into a real friendship where we talk on the phone fairly regularly, and we send birthday cards to each other, etc.

But it's the ghosting that I just do not comprehend.

divine1966 · Jan 22, 2021 at 02:25 PM

Is it possible people just can’t keep up with everyone?

If there is only 24 hours in the day and you have to spend it working and dealing with people like family and friends and chores and whatever other issues, there’s only that much time in the day. I have so many texts and emails a day both personal and work that it is not possible to keep up. I know it comes across rude if they don’t respond to you but there is a lot going on in people’s lives, especially now. If people have a long list of family or whoever to talk to daily plus work related calls etc they might not have the time.

Also if you never met these people, it’s kind of hard to maintain friendship. It’s hard work and people have to prioritize

Have Hope · Jan 22, 2021 at 02:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

Is it possible people just can’t keep up with everyone?

If there is only 24 hours in the day and you have to spend it working and dealing with real life people like family and friends and chores and whatever other issues, there’s only that much time in the day. I have so many texts and emails a day both personal and work that it is not possible to keep up. I know it comes across rude if they don’t respond to you but there is a lot going on in people’s lives, especially now. If people have a long list of family or whoever to talk to daily plus work related calls etc they might not have the time.

Also if you never met these people, it’s kind of hard to maintain friendship. It’s hard work and people have to prioritize

I get that entirely. When I am very busy with life, I find it harder to keep up. I do understand life taking over sometimes or even all the time.

What I don't understand is ghosting a long time "friend". I think the nature of the online relationship lends to it being Ok to ghost, no matter how long the friendship has gone on, and no matter how deep it became.

I have a hard time comprehending that.

And people ghost a lot in online dating too. I just think it's very cruel.

divine1966 · Jan 22, 2021 at 03:12 PM

Well if you actually have gone on dates etc simply vanishing is rude. But if it was all online, I don’t consider it dating, I don’t think people are obligated to respond. I did online dating when I was younger and I got so many messages that I couldn’t even read them all. Let alone respond. Not like I am that great but when you live in a busy area that’s what happens. And if You exchanged few messages and felt uneasy why would you explain anything, they could be aggressive for all you know. If you are already dating in person then of course it’s rude, unless again you feel unsafe.

Yes if they are long time friends it’s different but is it possible they don’t look at online friendship this way?

I am not trying to tell you not to be upset but there might be no need to be upset. If they don’t want to talk, then they don’t. There are always people who do

On the other hand during pandemics id worry if people don’t respond. I’d think something happened

Have Hope · Jan 22, 2021 at 03:57 PM

I have different standards of behavior. If I have emailed back and forth with someone for a long time, for several years, it's completely unacceptable in my mind to ghost. And if you share intimate details for months on end together? Unacceptable.

With online dating? Yeah, it depends. When I dated online, sometimes I ignored certain messages, but if I had emailed with someone a few times? I would be direct and let them know I wasn't interested rather than ghosting.

I am just saying that online friendships are very different than IRL - and I think people think it's OK to ghost when you have not met in person. To me, if it's been a long-term friendship, it's not OK and is very hurtful.

Jan 22, 2021 at 04:08 PM

ghosting sucks, and I'm sorry it always happens to you. I don't like it either- don't think anyone does

divine1966 · Jan 22, 2021 at 04:51 PM

I get it. I just don’t particularly relate. But I understand how you feel. Hugs

Rive. · Jan 22, 2021 at 05:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

What is it about online friendships that make people think they can be dismissive and rude like that?.

There are 'real' life friends like that too.

I guess the anonymity of hiding behind a screen gives people license to be... to be more rude? dismissive? making it easier to ditch people?

I am sorry for your bad experiences though. It is cliche but it is really them and not you.

Have Hope · Jan 22, 2021 at 06:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rive.

I guess the anonymity of hiding behind a screen gives people license to be... to be more rude? dismissive? making it easier to ditch people?

I am sorry for your bad experiences though. It is cliche but it is really them and not you.

I think it really is. There is something about computer life and behind the screen life that makes people far more bold to be rude, dismissive and abusive even.

I have observed online behavior for many years now. And that's my conclusion. People feel emboldened to do and say things they wouldn't do or say in person.

Jan 23, 2021 at 05:38 AM

something that annoys me just as much, is when someone online says that they want a friend to talk to laugh with, to share their problems with, what ever, and say that their up to talking to anyone about anything, you reach out to them, they say something like " hi" (or some other one line response), and that's it- you never hear from them again.

then they post the same message about looking for a ffriend andm ove to someone else!

Jan 23, 2021 at 05:39 AM

it happens to me far too often.

I reach out to a struggling person just to get nothing back

Have Hope · Jan 23, 2021 at 06:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by raging vortex

it happens to me far too often.

I reach out to a struggling person just to get nothing back

That would really irk me too! I have not had that experience, but it's troublesome and bothersome that people would do actually do that.

TishaBuv · Jan 23, 2021 at 07:26 AM

What do you consider the status of the relationships on here? Support group and not online friendships?

Have Hope · Jan 23, 2021 at 07:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

What do you consider the status of the relationships on here? Support group and not online friendships?

I wasn't referring to any friendships on here. I was specifically referencing two online friendships I had developed that ended in being ghosted. These friends I met online elsewhere.

But I've also noticed over the years that online relationships that are established are very different than IRL relationships. People seem to be less accountable.

But yes, I would consider this site as a peer support group.

will19 · Jan 23, 2021 at 05:43 PM

I think that with on-line people, they tend to stop after a while because they figure that there would be no getting together whatsoever. So it's like, what's the use? If I have online people to write to that live a long way from where I am, then it's not much of a big deal if they stop writing to me. But yet it still hurts when that happens.

Have Hope · Jan 24, 2021 at 04:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by will19

I think that with on-line people, they tend to stop after a while because they figure that there would be no getting together whatsoever. So it's like, what's the use? If I have online people to write to that live a long way from where I am, then it's not much of a big deal if they stop writing to me. But yet it still hurts when that happens.

I appreciate your perspective. I hadn't thought of it like that.

What hurts is that I became somewhat dependent on these friendships after a while. Then it just stopped, almost mid conversation, and out of the blue. Like they couldn't be bothered anymore.

will19 · Jan 24, 2021 at 01:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

I appreciate your perspective. I hadn't thought of it like that.

What hurts is that I became somewhat dependent on these friendships after a while. Then it just stopped, almost mid conversation, and out of the blue. Like they couldn't be bothered anymore.

That's happened to me before. There was one whom I had a very good conversations with. Someone whom I could relate to very well, not in every single way, but in the issues that were important to me. He was not well physically and emotionally so one time he told me that he wanted to end it all. After that I never heard from him. Kind of eerie, isn't it?

Jan 24, 2021 at 02:44 PM

Drop the expectations towards others. If they’re here – great! If they’re not – great! It may be hard to let go like that but it's gonna make you extremely powerful in the end (my case, though I show some traits of APD, so it’s easier).

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Anonymous32451 Guest Posts: n/a	Jan 22, 2021 at 04:08 PM #8 ghosting sucks, and I'm sorry it always happens to you. I don't like it either- don't think anyone does
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divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,376 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	Jan 22, 2021 at 04:51 PM #9 I get it. I just don’t particularly relate. But I understand how you feel. Hugs
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Anonymous32451 Guest Posts: n/a	Jan 23, 2021 at 05:39 AM #13 it happens to me far too often. I reach out to a struggling person just to get nothing back
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TishaBuv Legendary Member Since Dec 2014 Location: USA Posts: 10,192 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,872 hugs given	Jan 23, 2021 at 07:26 AM #15 What do you consider the status of the relationships on here? Support group and not online friendships? __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T
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will19 Grand Magnate Member Since Oct 2012 Posts: 3,620 11 1,105 hugs given	Jan 23, 2021 at 05:43 PM #17 I think that with on-line people, they tend to stop after a while because they figure that there would be no getting together whatsoever. So it's like, what's the use? If I have online people to write to that live a long way from where I am, then it's not much of a big deal if they stop writing to me. But yet it still hurts when that happens.
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Anonymous42048 Guest Posts: n/a	Jan 24, 2021 at 02:44 PM #20 Drop the expectations towards others. If they’re here – great! If they’re not – great! It may be hard to let go like that but it's gonna make you extremely powerful in the end (my case, though I show some traits of APD, so it’s easier).
	Reply With Quote