[jcmp]

My husband and I have been fighting off and on for the last 9 months. What started as me thinking he was cheating has spiraled into him telling me that for the last 26 years of life together I have ruined him. First name he called me is “a miserable person who brings misery everywhere I go,” and this last time he added that I am also jealous and controlling. Apparently he should have told me to “f*** off” 26 years ago because I made him feel that he couldn’t speak with female friends. The problem with this is that that is not how I remember it. I was 17 and apparently smarter than I am now and attempted to break up with him. He wouldn’t let me. He convinced me we belonged together. Another friend out of the woodwork, and I encouraged him to go and feel out that relationship because I wasn’t “feeling” ours. He came back and convinced me he and I were forever. In the beginning he was incredibly attentive (almost overly so), knew how much my family meant to me and showed it meant the same to him (he wasn’t particularly fond of his family), and knew and seemed to love who I was. Fast forward years of me catching him staring at other women, lying about other women, taking pictures of other women, hiding social media accounts and then claiming to have deleted the accounts and forgotten the passwords the same night I asked him about them, hating my family, having his family hate me, two kids, and I’m stuck in a perpetual cycle of fights and making up. At first I thought it’s because we’re both passionate people, so we fight. I was convinced over and over that the other women were just my jealousy gone rampant. Then he began to blame me for “ruining” his life. I apparently never let him do what he wanted and when asked to elaborate because I honestly had no idea, he stated that we never did what he liked to do. One example of this is he would tell me on Tuesday that he wanted to do A on Friday, Friday would roll around and I would ask what the plans were or suggest something bad rather than remind me of what he had said Tuesday, he would “happily” agree to the suggestions made only to yell at me days later bout how I don’t care about what he wants. When asked why he didn’t just say that we had plans or remind me about the other plans, he says he “shouldn’t have to fight to do what he wants.” In my head if on Tuesday I say I wanna do A on Friday and Friday rolls around and he asks what the plans are or suggests something, I remind him about what I’d said on Tuesday. If it’s something he really doesn’t want to do, then I do it by myself or if it’s not a big deal we plan something else. Fast forward to now, and he’s “an empty shell” whose “heart is dead and has nothing left to give” because he wasted it all trying to make me happy without doing what made him happy. Because I thought he’d given me ample reason to believe him capable of cheating, I questioned his whereabouts...the fear and distrust I had were off the charts.
So many other things have happened, but bottom line is that he won’t file papers. Through all the name calling and telling me that I’ve ruined his life, he claims he “still loves me” and refuses to file paperwork. I need him to be the one to do it because I can’t seem to get it through my head that he doesn’t love me anymore...he doesn’t even like me. We’re still in the same house, and he has no problem ignoring me; I however miss him to point that I can’t breathe. My 17 year old even tells me that I am too dependent. In more ways than one because we moved for his job and I have nothing. No job, no family or friends nearby, no money...i have no way of getting away from him. I feel so pathetic and alone and through it all I’m wondering if it’s all my fault. I know I should have left him a long time ago, but now I feel horrible at the thought of being alone. And now I’m wondering if I am the horrible person he says I’ve always been.

[CANDC]

Hi @jcmp . Welcome to My Support Forum. I am sorry you are having a challenging relationship. You may be the victim of gaslighting by a narcissist. So you may want to ask the question "is my partner a narcissist?"

This may be of interest 10 Signs That You're in a Relationship with a Narcissist | Psychology Today

11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting | Psychology Today

9 Things Dependent People Do | Psychology Today

[RoxanneToto]

You may want to look up “introjection” if it’s not included in the links above - it’s basically where you take on someone else’s beliefs as your own. But for what it’s worth, my opinion is your husband is possibly projecting onto you and rewriting history. I don’t think you are the narcissist, here!

[Fuzzybear]

Welcome to My Support Forum, jcmp

I'm sorry you're experiencing a challenging relationship. I agree with CANDC that a question you might want to ask is..

''Is my partner a Narcissist''

Take care

Originally Posted by CANDC

Hi @jcmp . Welcome to My Support Forum. I am sorry you are having a challenging relationship. You may be the victim of gaslighting by a narcissist. So you may want to ask the question "is my partner a narcissist?"

This may be of interest 10 Signs That You're in a Relationship with a Narcissist | Psychology Today

11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting | Psychology Today

9 Things Dependent People Do | Psychology Today

[iliopsoas]

i dont think narcissists do a lot of self inventory. however, i dont think this is a healthy relationship for you, your husband or your child.

hiding social media accounts and then claiming to have deleted the accounts

gigantic red flag that he does not respect you fundamentally.

So many other things have happened

this is defensively vague. it reads like you know something happened and it still hurts to think about. whenever i do this its because of insecurity inside myself. i hope you feel better. thanks for reading.

[Rive.]

I don't see you as a narcissist, no.

Instead, I see your 'husband' as a child who refuses to take any responsibility for his own life. This is not a grown man speaking but a selfish brat who wants his needs and desires fulfilled and refusing to take responsibility for his choices, his mistakes and the direction of his own life. His saying he loves you is baffling. Maybe he ought to read up on the definition of 'love'.

Your 17 year old is more of a grown up than that husband of yours

[MickeyCheeky]

So Sorry that you have to put up with this behavior. i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters that the problem is him and certainly not you. Please don't let him manipulate you. Stand up for yourself as much as possible. Please do not give up Hope. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @jcmp, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[Have Hope]

He's blaming YOU, when he is at fault. No one is responsible for another's happiness, including one's spouse. In a marriage, each partner is responsible for making themselves happy. And if one partner is unhappy, it's their job to problem solve it and to also speak about it with their spouse. It's called open and honest communication. Your husband blames you for his unhappiness, and I suspect that he has either cheated or has planned on cheating given his actions. Don't take his crap. Find a way to become more independent from him. Get a job... move to your family's home and live with them. File for divorce yourself. This is not a healthy marriage or relationship and it stems from your husband being an unhealthy and toxic partner.