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NatalieJastrow
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Default Feb 07, 2021 at 09:20 AM
  #21
I felt that way from a young age. Even when I was a teen I didn't get asked to dances or whatever and I felt from an early age I just wouldn't get married. Not particularly a choice. I am not considered ugly or morbidly obese (and I see plenty of people who might be this way married) -- I feel there is something about me that sends the message I do not want it. Perhaps it is my introvert nature but people do not think of me... men, women, transgender... people do not approach me.

At this point in the world I think marriage is just a recipe for disaster for most people. All of my friends who got married all ended up divorced. They all spent their savings on weddings and then, the inevitable divorce. Most relationships that have lasted were living together situations.

Marriage for most of history was a simple property transaction. Women could not work so their parents needed to find a way to support them once they died. So they got the woman married (which was then for life). The woman had the children and took care of them. The man took care of all of them. It was a reasonable situation. But this century that drastically changed. Women went to work, and the men imho simply aren't going to change. They aren't going to take care of the kids. They aren't going to clean up around the house. It is not in their nature. This situation has made everything worse for everyone. The women now have to work, have kids, take care of the kids and take care of the house. The man basically does nothing but often is looking for a job as with women in the workplace, there are less jobs and less good paying jobs. Women are exhausted they don't want to have kids... or sex... the man is frustrated about not getting sex. And the relationship drastically goes down hill.

Seen it so many times.

There is the rare occasion where I see a strong healthy relationship but for the most part, I just see misery.
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Default Feb 07, 2021 at 12:22 PM
  #22
My partner & I were both married & divorced from other people many years ago. We've been living together for 18 years & are very happy together. For us, marriage is just a piece of paper. We've taken care of estate stuff through wills, so we can take care of each other if something should happen to one of us. I think there's something about living together by choice (rather than by law) that keeps us growing as a couple.

Do what you feel comfortable with. There are so many different choices & paths to discover these days, LIteraryLark. It's important to feel at peace with the choices we make...especially since peace can sometimes be an illusive thing for folks with mental illnesses.
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Default Feb 07, 2021 at 01:34 PM
  #23
@NatalieJastrow
Very good post.
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Default Feb 07, 2021 at 05:31 PM
  #24
buddha1too - That's great that you were able to arrange a lot of things through wills, etc. This country has a horrible, antiquated inheritance law, that would leave me in a bad place if my husband were to die before his mom. Although we are married, she would be entitled to part of his estate, even though they are estranged and everything we have we have built without any help from her. At least she gets less because we are married.

NatalieJastrow - That's really sad you see so many cases like that. I have to think these women saw what their potential husbands were like before they got married. Maybe they thought they would change? I can think of two situations where the relationship is like that.

There was my ex's brother. Total baby of the family, he never was expected to help out around the house at all. He lived at home until he was married and his mom did everything for him, always had dinner waiting when he got home from work, ironed his work clothes and so on . I saw what he was like every time my ex and I went to his parents' house for lunch. His girlfriend, later wife, seemed to think she would change him. It didn't happen. After they were married and had their first kid, I asked her how married life was and all she did was complain about how he never picked up after himself and she was stuck doing almost all of the childcare. They both worked. I saw her after my ex and I split one time on the street and she was pregnant again.


Another case was a former co-worker of my husband. Once she invited us for a dinner to celebrate her birthday. Her partner didn't lift a finger. He sat there watching while she got the door, took people's coats, cooked, set the table, served wine, etc. I remember that when we got out of the apartment and were on our way home, my husband and I both said we were shocked that it was her birthday and he didn't even help her. Definitely a machista Chilean guy. They never married, but are still together and now have two kids. It doesn't sound like he does much to help out with the kids either, not surprisingly.


Fortunately, my marriage and many friends' marriages seem more balanced. Both partners work and contribute around the house. That's how it works at my house too.
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Default Feb 07, 2021 at 06:17 PM
  #25
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Originally Posted by rechu View Post
There was my ex's brother. Total baby of the family, he never was expected to help out around the house at all. He lived at home until he was married and his mom did everything for him, always had dinner waiting when he got home from work, ironed his work clothes and so on .
This is definitely the prototype I am seeing. This is my brother absolutely. He also lived at home until he was married and his mother did things for him. And also told him how great he was. So even now he thinks he is some great catch even though he doesn't have a job, is overweight, and plays video games all day.

As for how he got married.. he lied. Maybe he even lied to himself. I have never been friendly with his wife because I didn't want to betray him but giving up the truth. But I also truly thought for a while he might have changed.

But many of my friends I think were just so pushed to get married to ANYONE.. they either didn't see it or hoped it wouldn't happen to them. Marriage itself has become such a necessary thing to be "successful" that people just cave.

Of course I am not saying there aren't great guys out there but they are in the very very small minority.
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Default Feb 07, 2021 at 07:31 PM
  #26
Yeah, I'm glad I never felt that sort of pressure. I guess some women do. Had I gotten married earlier due to pressure or feeling it was something I was supposed to do, I would have ended up divorced.

A boyfriend in college wanted to discuss marriage and I told him I was not even thinking about getting married at that age. We broke up and he got married about 6 months later. He ended up divorced and then married wife number two when the ink on the divorce papers was barely dry. I guess it's not just women, some men feel they have to be married too.
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Default Feb 07, 2021 at 10:37 PM
  #27
My first reflex was to criticize the "man bashing" going on after reading a select few of the posts, but I realize that many married women have two jobs...bringing home a paycheck, AND doing work at home with little help. Not that I wouldn't help around the house if I had a ring on my finger but, again, cohabitating with my partner for 18 years has worked for us. If we stop being satisfied with our relationship we can abandon ship without aid of the state, or enriching lawyers.

It sounds like laws where you are are rooted in the past, Rechu. It's a shame your husband's estranged mother might have claim to your husband's possessions if something were to happen to him. Not to suggest that you mind being married...
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Default Feb 08, 2021 at 02:08 AM
  #28
Historically, like thousands or tens of thousands of years ago (or maybe still today in some parts) marriage was originally a way to unite clans or communities, families, by basically putting a daughter into the other clan by 'marriage' to a specific man or 'husband' to have babies - new blood for the clan. And it was just as much a political move as anything else. I don't think love had much to do with it - that didn't come till later on in history. So, this 'getting married' idea, is nothing more than a social construct dating back to ancient times, a very old custom. It is. But love, love is a completely different thing. That's all I can say. 🙂

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Default Feb 08, 2021 at 05:34 AM
  #29
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It sounds like laws where you are are rooted in the past, Rechu. It's a shame your husband's estranged mother might have claim to your husband's possessions if something were to happen to him. Not to suggest that you mind being married...

It's all good, but I maybe we would have gone a different route if we hadn't had the inheritance issue. I also have not other next of kin in this country for situations like being hospitalized, so it was good on that front to.


My husband and I own our house 50%/50%. Being married we could decide to do it that way, but if we weren't, it would have to be in one or the other's name. If he dies before his mother, there is insurance that pays off the home loan. However, then the house is sold at an auction and I have to split the proceeds with his mother. It's horrible. If we weren't married, he would have only been allowed to make a will to give me 25%, which would have been worse.

The laws really need to change. If we had children, it would be split between me and the kids, but without children, parents get their part.


His half sister is very greedy and you can be sure that if he predeceases his mother, she will be harassing me and trying to help get his mother get her hooks into everything she can.

Scarily, he actually had a choking incident that was really bad a few months ago. I somehow managed to help him and he was okay. I couldn't imagine losing him like that and then having to deal with his greedy family bothering me while I am grieving. Fortunately, his half siblings won't have any inheritance rights.
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Default Feb 08, 2021 at 08:52 AM
  #30
I’m so glad you were able to help your husband, rechu. As for the rest of your situation, the law is an ***, as they say!
I’m not trying to man bash either, but the fact is a lot of men are raised to be (or end up) entitled, whether their parents realise, care about it or not. Certainly not all men; I personally know several who have jobs but still share housework/other responsibilities with their wife/partner when they’re at home. Like I said, not all men by any means, but still enough to be an issue.
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Default Feb 09, 2021 at 12:10 AM
  #31
Quote:
Originally Posted by buddha1too View Post
My first reflex was to criticize the "man bashing" going on after reading a select few of the posts, but I realize that many married women have two jobs...bringing home a paycheck, AND doing work at home with little help. Not that I wouldn't help around the house if I had a ring on my finger but, again, cohabitating with my partner for 18 years has worked for us. If we stop being satisfied with our relationship we can abandon ship without aid of the state, or enriching lawyers.

It sounds like laws where you are are rooted in the past, Rechu. It's a shame your husband's estranged mother might have claim to your husband's possessions if something were to happen to him. Not to suggest that you mind being married...
Why would there be man bashing and marriage gossip on a thread where the OP is struggling to come to terms with going against the norm and not living up to family expectations by not marrying? Why does the OP see messages of deletions on her page? Please, this is not the place to discuss your failed marriages and marriage drama. That's really, truly rude and I don't appreciate that.

Consider this thread deleted.
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