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Question Feb 11, 2021 at 07:04 AM
  #1
Another friend took a video. I'm mostly confused over everything.

The event itself happened 3 years ago but untill some recent events I brushed it off and thought I'm just too sensitive. I recently talked to some people about it and they all thought this was wrong so I felt not-so-crazy for the first time. But I dediced to ask him about it, to see his persepctive and I feel I'm back to square one in terms of confusion.

So I was at a house party with my (guy and girl) friends (let's call him Adam and Betty). For context, we're in our 20s, known each other since high school and spent a lot of time together. I considered them quite close, especially Betty (I'm not friends with her anymore for unrelated reasons, but still in contact with Adam).

There were also a couple of his other friends I didn't know would be invited. At one point I fell asleep on the couch because I was really tired that day (me and Betty meant to sleep over anyways).

The next morning it was just 3 of us and they showed me a video of him sitting next to me and pretending he's kissing me etc. He didn't actually touch me and only did it from afar. They found it funny for some reason, while I felt weirded out and kinda humiliated. Like, why didn't they draw me a mustache or something instead...?

I made a mistake when I didn't say it bothered me, I just said something like "wtf...ew" (but not laughing). At the time, I didn't think me saying anything would change anything and that I'm just oversensitive. If I asked back then, then at least I'd see how they feel about it.

I also thought/think that since they're my friends they didn't mean it in a humiliating way and that they just didn't really think much about it, that we're just different. Also, I thought that if the situation was actually wrong, Betty would not find it funny and film it. She brought it up as a joke later (something like "ahaha remember the time when Adam "molested" you"), which I didn't find funny, but I didn't want to start a fight or seem crazy or accuse of of why was she filmimg it (I know it's stupid I didn't say anything, if she saw that I'm not okay with it she'd probably try to understand).

Also, Adam is known to borderline cross the line with others as well (Betty was often bothered by his behavior as well). We did let him know this in the past, but he didn't really care and just said that we're moody or something. He's kinda flirtatious with his other friends, and some of them find it fun which is ok if is ok for both people involved. I'm just not one of these people since I have a fine line between friendships and romantic interests and have made myself clear.

Recently, he crossed a line with a mutual friend and he even wanted me to lie about it when my friend asked if I saw something. They started arguing and this friend went out. Adam even asked me why did I say I saw him do it. I expected he'd asked me how to make the situation better, not to accuse this friend for overreacting and me for not saving his ***. That was the moment that really got me thinking that he really doesn't take other's emotions into consideration.

I decided to ask him out of the blue about this old event, because I wanted to see his perspective (my friends could be biased since they only heard my side of the story). I asked him what exactly his thought process was, why would they film it and what made it so funny, where is the video and some other questions.

He said he doesn't remember the video being made nor me seeing the video, that he probably just took a picture of us. He found the fact that I fell asleep funny, that he was high and said that it only lasted a second. He also said that at the time they found me, there was noone else but him and Betty, which is a relief. He also said that he didn't and wouldn't make fun of me or do me harm, that we made funny drunk videos in the past, that it was a joke.

I don't remember him taking a picture with me on the video, so he either mixed up some details (which is pretty possible after 3 years) or it didn't last ''only a second''.

He also said that he/they didn't share it with anyone. But I do have a memory of him mentioning a month later that he showed it to his brother. So I asked him explicitly if he showed it to him and told me he didn't, that he doesn't share these kind of stuff with him. So I guess that was a lie or he forgot (I think both is equally possible). I don't think asking him anymore questions would tell me anything more since it was a joke and he doesn't remember the rest and I don't really trust him anymore since he wanted me to lie.

But I'm now even more confused, I don't feel like talking to him anymore but a part of me thinks it wrong. If that's his perspective I can't change it. I can't accuse him of disrespecting me if he didn't mean it that way. I don't know how to feel and probably looked like some kind of interrogator so I don't blame him for feeling weirded out.

I would feel bad to end this relationship because it feels like I'm overreacting, but I also don't like the fact that he's so insenstive, not onyl for me but also for others.

Any thoughts?
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Default Feb 11, 2021 at 03:19 PM
  #2
I think it was a controversial joke. Nothing to worry about IMO. I've done worse to my friends when drunk. Some people have different perspective on life and their boundaries are not the same. I think you should discuss how you do not like such behavior and why, and maybe find some common ground, or ditch them - if what they do bothers you. If what they did was humiliation, then I humiliated most of my friends, men and women.
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Default Feb 12, 2021 at 05:24 AM
  #3
Here's my thoughts: both Adam and Betty crossed a line with you. You are not overreacting and you are not being overly sensitive. It bothered you and you felt violated and humiliated. Your feelings about it are perfectly valid, and I think you should own and respect your true feelings about it. Meaning, not to brush aside your feelings or dismiss and minimize your feelings. You feel the way you feel, and it's totally justified.

Adam is also a liar who crosses boundaries with friends. He is not to be trusted. I do not believe for one second that he doesn't remember video taping you OR showing it to his brother. My guess is he showed the video to plenty of other people. He may have even posted it somewhere online for all you know. This guy does NOT respect other people's feelings or boundaries. What he does is called "gaslighting", which is a form of abuse. Gaslighting is denying responsibility for one's actions and turning it all around on the victim to make it seem like the victim is at fault. He does not take responsibility OR ownership of his actions that hurt other people.

At this point, honestly, I would ditch Adam as a friend. You are in your 20's so know this: the friendships we made in high school do not always last... and friendships overall come and go in life. Then there are those few friends that always have our back no matter what, who support us and who love us, and those are the friends we keep for a lifetime.

Adam truly is no friend of yours. You cannot trust him, he lies, he gaslights and he disrespects boundaries and he disrespects his friends. So, I would ditch him.

That's my two cents.

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Default Feb 12, 2021 at 07:34 AM
  #4
I think you underreacting, not over. I’d not be friends with people like that. Unacceptable.

Now it’s possible that he doesn’t remember because he and others were drunk and high. Sadly many bad things happen when people are intoxicated. I’d reconsider this entire circle of friends, seems to be tied up to unhealthy life style overall
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Default Feb 12, 2021 at 09:08 AM
  #5
i agree at least in part with the other wise and wonderful posters. If you feel like what they did to you was inappropriate then i'd say it was inappropriate and you have every right to speak up. Can i ask you how is the relationship with your friends apart from these incidents? Do you usually get along fine with them or does it seem to happen fairly often? Just something to consider. So Sorry this is happening. Please feel free to post. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @BluePineapple, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Default Feb 12, 2021 at 02:29 PM
  #6
Two things stand out for me:
1. Adam is known to borderline cross the line with others as well
2. Recently, he crossed a line with a mutual friend and he even wanted me to lie about it

'Adam' gets away with it because he thinks he can, and he does. He crosses others' boundaries and they let him get away with it.

No, you are not too oversensitive or overreacting. At the very least, 'Adam' has a blatant disregard for other people's feelings and boundaries. Plus, he is trying to get you to lie for him. I don't want to label or diagnose him but that is scary.

I don't see any redeemable qualities in this guy and I would dump him. That is most certainly not friendship
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Default Feb 12, 2021 at 03:32 PM
  #7
I see this was your first post, BluePineapple. Welcome to the boards.

Adam sounds like an extremely insensitive lout, so I'd exercise caution around him if you decide to maintain your friendship. Just a thought, though...if the event involving you happened three years ago, it's kind of sad that it still gets under your skin so much. For me, at least, hanging on to resentments for years can be kind of toxic & counter-productive. It might be different for you, however.
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Default Feb 12, 2021 at 04:46 PM
  #8
Quote:
Originally Posted by buddha1too View Post
I see this was your first post, BluePineapple. Welcome to the boards.

Adam sounds like an extremely insensitive lout, so I'd exercise caution around him if you decide to maintain your friendship. Just a thought, though...if the event involving you happened three years ago, it's kind of sad that it still gets under your skin so much. For me, at least, hanging on to resentments for years can be kind of toxic & counter-productive. It might be different for you, however.
Thank you I'm still getting used to the forum but I like it here so here :

Yeah I agree with the fact that it is kinda sad it still gets me. I didn't spent 3 years actively about it if course, at the time I kind of "accepted" that there's probably something wrong with me because I'm so easily hurt and that I don't trust my friends' actions.

I kind of forgot about it, but the feeling of being disrespected stayed despite a part of me thinking otherwise. And I'm still confused ti be honest and that's something I need to decide myself, to not be fragmented about it. But yeah things like these do have a toxic impact even if not thinking about it because a part of me always felt kinda not respected (not only for this), but I can't really see someone who I see as a friend simultaneously as someone who I don't trust, that's a constant battle and not really fair neither to me neither to him
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