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Member Since Apr 2013
Posts: 105
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#1
I've had my fair share of relationships (as evidenced by my history here), but I've been in a ... better one for the last 8 months.
This guy is respectful and consistent. We get along. We're...stable. We haven't been able to really date traditionally because of the pandemic, but the time we spend together is cordial. We can be in each other's space for an extended period of time and get along. Since being together, we've had my birthday, his birthday, Christmas and now Valentine's Day together, and "bless his heart", his gift giving is not the best. I'm not a materialistic person, so I think sometimes guys mistake that for not needing to even TRY when it comes to getting me gifts. I always say I don't need much (which I don't), and it really is the THOUGHT that counts which is my underlying issue. For his birthday, I custom made him a gift basket of snacks that he likes complete with his fraternity colors. I made him dinner (his favorite foods), and had a special birthday cake made for him that he raved about for months. For my birthday, he got me a grocery store fruit basket and a dollar store balloon. For Christmas, he had some wine shipped to my house (that was over a week late). Today, I got two re-gifted Valentine's day cards (seriously, I bought two cards for him a couple weeks ago in anticipation of today and couldn't find them. He gave them to me this morning) and some Reeses peanut butter cups. That is my favorite candy, but... really? It's not the actual gift that's the issue. It's the fact that everything I receive seems to be a last minute, thrown together something or other., so I'm disappointed. I don't want to be a diva or seem like a spoiled brat, but I'm disappointed. I get that some men just have NO idea about this kind of stuff, but it would be nice to feel like he took some time to remotely THINK about the gifts. Am I being petty? I'm afraid to say something because I don't want to seem ungrateful. Am I being ungrateful? I want to think that he's TRYING, but I don't think he is. Maybe I'll just give him an Amazon wish list. I dunno,,,, |
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
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#2
Sounds like he was never taught how to spend time ahead of time to think about doing something special on a holiday. It could be growing up things were done last minute or no one showed him how to plan gift giving. You LIKE to plan, and that's part of your nurturing and caring instinct. You can't expect him to have that same kind of ability as it is often something males don't learn or are not taught.
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since May 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 1,523
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#3
Quote:
In one of those YouTube talks, I heard someone say that when our partner needs love to be expressed differently than we do--then it can cause issues. They also said that sometimes we can work these issues out by talking about them; however, IMO sometimes money issues are tougher to talk about. Perhaps he is just really broke (don't know what you know about his finances) or does not value gifts the way you do. My personality would be not to talk about it but, if both of you ever plan to get more serious (for instance marry)--talking about these kinds of issues beforehand could save a lot of heartache and misunderstandings later.... |
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*Beth*
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Member
Member Since Apr 2013
Posts: 105
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#4
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We've actually talked about the love languages, and I shared mine. He (like most men) thinks more with his ... member than his brain or heart, so the conversation didn't go far. I want to bring it up, but I don't want to seem like a spoiled brat because it's not the GIFT... it's the thought. To this day, the BEST gift I ever received from a guy was a handmade card. We were in college and neither of us could afford gifts. He took construction paper and crayons and made me a card. I cried my eyes out, and I still have it in a scrapbook somewhere. I probably am a bit hard to buy for. I don't wear jewelry... I don't have a lot of THINGS despite being able to afford them. I'm probably over thinking it. He could have at least not give me cards that were intended for him. Did he think I wouldn't notice? |
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Member
Member Since Apr 2013
Posts: 105
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#5
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...and I know for sure that his family wasn't very expressive. Despite his parents being married for nearly 50 years, they don't really DO holidays. They're kinda on auto pilot. His dad's show of love is typical 50's "I put a roof over your head and food on the table...: mentality. My Dad, on the other hand, would just throw a whole bunch of money at the problem then brag about how much he paid for the gift to whomever would listen. That's why the GIFT part isn't important to me. Breakthrough moment... this is WAY deeper than the gift. I'll just suck it up and be grateful. He didn't really TRY. I'd rather not get anything than an autopilot gift. I feel like it's just a thing he checked off his to do list. How romantic! |
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Open Eyes
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
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#6
Well, you can't expect someone to give you something they don't know how to give. You just explained what is missing for him where he simply doesn't know how to understand what gift giving is all about.
Yes, a handmade card can be VERY special because it means the person took the time to make it for you. My cards were what my parents enjoyed getting the most for their birthdays etc. It's the personal time spent that's important. No one taught your father that and clearly this guy doesn't know either. It's not that uncommon. |
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: US
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#7
I am honestly more concerned that you cannot bring it up. Of course it could hurt his feelings but there is a way to address it nicely. It could be that’s how he was brought up and doesn’t really know better or could be he doesn’t care. I’d not assume. In my opinion things need to be discussed. It’s not really about a gift.
Every time I hear that woman has concerns but is afraid/unsure/unwilling to express it to a man she dated for awhile, it’s a major red flag for me. Probably the biggest red flag I am also concerned that conversation about love languages didn’t go far, and hum thinking with his member. How old is he? How is relationship otherwise? Is this the only concern? Last edited by divine1966; Feb 14, 2021 at 01:18 PM.. Reason: Typo, really dumb autocorrect lol |
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: US
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#8
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Magnate
Member Since Sep 2013
Posts: 2,016
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#9
What? You bought him 2 valentine cards and he gifted them (i.e. something he didn't even buy or choose for you) to you?!
I don't find you petty. You are thoughtful re your gifts to him. He can afford to gift himself a BMW, it wouldn't kill him to learn to be equally thoughtful (not in terms of buying something expensive but in terms of thinking of what you care about / like and making an effort for his love). Sorry but I find it bull to make excuses for him saying he hasn't been taught to be considerate etc. You don't need to be taught that! He has a brain. He can self-teach, if need be. He just seems lazy and taking the easy way out... which, understandably, does not make you feel treasured. It's not ungrateful to say, give 80% and receive a measly 20%! |
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divine1966
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divine1966
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: US
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#10
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Omg I missed where he regifted cards that were bought for him and he just found them in the house. That’s like really weird. Quite offensive actually. |
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Rive.
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Legendary
Member Since Jun 2016
Location: Italy
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#11
i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters that perhaps he has simply never learned how to make gifts. In any case i do believe that your feelings are totally valid and that you have every right to talk about this with him as i don't think you're being particularly ungrateful in my opinion. Hopefully he won't get angry because of this! Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @ZenZeta, your Family, your Friends, your boyfriend and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Magnate
Member Since Sep 2013
Posts: 2,016
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#12
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,413
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#13
Now I think it’s definitely not about gifts.
You are wondering if you are being ungrateful when he literally stole Valentine’s cards from your house (doesn’t sound like you live together) and gave them to you. So are you ungrateful that he took stuff from your home without permission and gave it back to you? Who’d be grateful for that? Did you say to him: these are cards I bought! Do you typically not speak your mind with men? |
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 23,125
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#14
I think if you feel concerned then it's worth slowing down a bit. It's possible that you are once again interacting with someone who may not be emotionally available. If you are the one that extends more when it comes to that, then that is a red flag and with you, that has been something you have done before that ended up being a bad relationship and unhealthy for you.
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Legendary
Member Since Mar 2009
Location: USA
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#15
It is not ungrateful to feel disappointed when a gift falls far short of reasonable expectations. Such gifts are hurtful because they implicitly say "Hey, this is what I think you are worth--not a whole lot of my time, effort, money, imagination."
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Magnate
Member Since Oct 2018
Location: USA
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#16
It's not ungrateful, but sometimes men are just notoriously bad at this stuff. LOL
My dear father always handed us the credit card like the day before an occasion and told us to go pick something out for Mom. It was sort of a running joke in our house. My mother just let Dad be Dad because he was a fantastic husband, provider, father, man. The gifts, ultimately, were only a very minor part of their 65 year relationship. I sort of married my "father" in that way. My husband has always been horribly forgetful. He literally forgot my birthday the first year we were married. He's given me things I already have. One birthday I came into the living room to find an box of brownie mix and two of those number candles sitting on top. And the were the wrong numbers! LOL. I just laughed about it because, honestly, his forgetfulness is one of the endearing quirks that we love. Bottom line: he's madly in love with me; he is faithful and respectful; he is a fantastic dad. The gifts just don't matter to me in the scheme of things. They hold nothing in meaning on his consistent dedication and commitment to our relationship and family. My brother-in-law was sort of a bad gift giver. He tried, but never quite hit the mark. It didn’t take long for my sister to just start telling him exactly what she wanted, etc. Worked for them for 35 years of very happy marriage. Again, he is a saint. Fantastic husband, father, person . . . Just bad at the gifting thing. You find a work-around if on all other counts you have a keeper. |
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AzulOscuro, Bill3, Open Eyes, TunedOut
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since May 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 1,523
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#17
Quote:
When my H and I were first married and visited his family at Christmas, I spent time buying and baking many things and brought much of it in a basket which I carried on the airplane. My mother-in-law always reminisces that she felt like the basket was a peace offering but said that that gift seemed very thoughtful and made a good first impression. Our flight arrived either on or just before (this was 33 years ago) Christmas Eve. It was a small town that just had a Walmart. My husband and I went shopping at the Walmart where he picked out gifts for his very large family in a mere hour! He was proud of his efficiency! I helped him wrap those gifts late that evening. He has sometimes forgotten to buy me gifts on special occasions which did hurt my feelings but instead of saying how I felt, I would sort of stew about it. It seems silly now but it was a real issue then which I should have talked about. Now we both totally forget important days sometimes. Our memories aren't what they used to be! So I forget to give him gifts too.... Last edited by TunedOut; Feb 15, 2021 at 06:54 AM.. Reason: TMI |
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Open Eyes
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AzulOscuro
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: US
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#18
If it’s just about gifts, then it’s no big deal. Some people are just bad gift givers yet they are wonderful people. But it’s rarely just about that.
For me bad gift giving would be irritating but not a deal breaker at all and wouldn’t even be a red flag as people could improve or there are other solutions and who cares about gifts but...... But if I wasn’t able to speak about it, it would be a red flag. Either a sign that’s something I need to work on like learning speaking my mind, perhaps I need to see a therapist. Or a red flag that this man is just wrong for me. There is nothing I can’t say to my husband. I am rarely afraid to speak up but I dated men with whom I didn’t feel comfortable speaking my mind. Needless to say they didn’t up being my husbands. The level of comfort and openness just wasn’t there for me Where do you think this relationship going? Do you think there is a future there? |
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AzulOscuro
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Grand Member
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: Michigan
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#19
Pay attention to the gifts. You won't be able to turn him into a better gift-giver. He has money, he HAS CHOSEN to regift or buy cheap things, but buys himself an expensive vehicle. What does that say to you?
The description of the relationship from your side sounds like friends and not a romantic relationship at all. Are you trying to feel more for him than what's there? I think you should keep dating other people. He isn't the one for you. |
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divine1966
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
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#20
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Last edited by Open Eyes; Feb 15, 2021 at 12:49 PM.. |
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