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divine1966
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Default Feb 20, 2021 at 07:55 PM
  #41
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Originally Posted by buddha1too View Post
I'm kind of disappointed that a few of the responses seemed a bit on the self-righteous side. MisterPaul acknowledges that he has NPD (which is a huge first step), and seems sincere in his desire to form mature, mutually beneficial relationships. While I have bipolar disorder, I know this is a place where I can share without worrying about being labeled harshly...bipolar disorder exists on a spectrum. I'm sure NPD does, too. Throwing stereotypes around, or labeling others based on your own experiences isn't really fair. Someone once said, "Judge not, lest ye be judged." I'm not a Christian, but that sounds about right to me.

Good thoughts. Mister Paul has been consistently vulnerable and up front on this forum and deserves respect. Yes most certainly every disorder/condition exists on a spectrum and life in general is rather complicated, not oversimplified black and white.
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Default Feb 20, 2021 at 08:21 PM
  #42
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One does not need to be handsome to attract a good woman. Attraction is important. But plenty not particularly handsome people attract others. Looks fade. Human qualities don’t .

I was talking about a girlfriend , as in a young woman, I didn’t say a good woman. Generally young women respond well to a guy who looks well. You have to be attractive to a girl for her to want to get to know you.
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Default Feb 20, 2021 at 09:22 PM
  #43
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I was talking about a girlfriend , as in a young woman, I didn’t say a good woman. Generally young women respond well to a guy who looks well. You have to be attractive to a girl for her to want to get to know you.
Not necessarily. I don’t think age matters. I never cared about guys’ looks. I mean he needs to be groomed and clean but looks never matter to me. My daughter is a young woman and she never considered looks as a criteria for a guy at any age. Looks don’t matter to every young girl. Many young girls value other important things instead.
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Default Feb 21, 2021 at 02:55 AM
  #44
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Originally Posted by leomama View Post
You didn’t say anything about being stable .

I think you do have something to offer someone , however you didn’t mention anything about your looks, your education or your employment.
Usually girls are looking for a handsome, educated and employed man.
You didn’t mention your living situation. Girls also like a guy who has his own place.
Those are the basics that get you a girlfriend .
Superficial things are obviously important, I'm a narc lol I skipped them because I thought personality matters most.

I am handsome and shaped up - I get a lot of attention. I'm well educated, but I don't have some kick-*** job yet. it. I'm 25 and I graduated a month ago, so... it's in progress. However, I do have a temporary job - money looks good, I'm just not rich yet - and I have a pretty awesome car and a place to stay I'm renting with one individual I know.

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Default Feb 21, 2021 at 07:47 AM
  #45
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Superficial things are obviously important, I'm a narc lol I skipped them because I thought personality matters most.

I am handsome and shaped up - I get a lot of attention. I'm well educated, but I don't have some kick-*** job yet. it. I'm 25 and I graduated a month ago, so... it's in progress. However, I do have a temporary job - money looks good, I'm just not rich yet - and I have a pretty awesome car and a place to stay I'm renting with one individual I know.

You have a personality disorder so I wasn’t asking about your personality. Also just because others focused on not having looks doesn’t mean that was my point. Some people think it’s superior to only look beyond the surface however when dealing with a personality disorder I was more talking about education, employment, housing. Being handsome is what gets you noticed, having the other things is what gets you a chance with a girl. Please don’t assume that my viewpoint is akin to others who are coming across self righteously. I have no opinion one way or the other in regards to being handsome, I just know it attracts the attention of mainstream, conventional girls. Just go for it.
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Default Feb 21, 2021 at 08:25 AM
  #46
When you gave me your example and said "if I was dating you" to me, at first I just could not picture that because of our huge age difference, LOL.

First of all, the fact that you are at 25 means your brain is finally developing the prefrontal cortex which is a significant part of the brain in terms of social interactions. This part of the brain affects how one regulates emotions, controls impulsive behavior and assesses risk and making long-term plans. Also, the brain's reward systems doesn't stop growing at age 18 but instead can take more than 25 years to reach maturity.

When you shared your diagnosis, I actually find it questionable considering where your brain maturity level is right now. I also don't recommend sharing that because it's actually too early to say "I am the bad guy" and you are actually going to be doing a lot of learning yet.

The fact that you have taken an interest in working out and developing your body physically is good in more ways than you think. This working out improves your cerebellum part of your brain which is the part of the brain that develops more balance instead of the clumsey lurching typical in younger teens. Personally? I find it hard to hand out a diagnoses when at such a young age and where your brain is at developmentally. That being said, you can learn about the behaviors of said PD and work on learning what not to engage in and why and by that you can improve yourself a great deal.

I know you are younger MisterPaul, so my input is more of steering you away from things that may cause you to unknowingly develop patterns that may not be healthy for you personally. You can embrace anger about those who treated you badly, or you can choose to outgrow them with knowing how that behavior equates true lack of brain development in terms of still being too impulsive and not yet having the brain development to have more respect which is so common in that age group. Truth is, you have much better things now to focus on.
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Default Feb 21, 2021 at 09:44 AM
  #47
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You have a personality disorder so I wasn’t asking about your personality.
People with personality disorders do have personality, and they can grow, just like you.

I think it's crucial. I never had any problems with girls' attention, but back in a day there was very little I could do with it because I was so anxious and messed up.

You can find a guy who's super handsome, has lots of money, and a big, fancy house, but if he struggles with who he is, you're not going to be happy with him beside you IMO.
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Default Feb 21, 2021 at 10:00 AM
  #48
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We go on a date - you and me. We get to know each other. Let's say you're having fun and you're happy with the way it goes down. And then I say something stupid or I tell a poor story - it's fine, it happens. We move on and we're back at where we were - good vibes are in the air. The date ends and it was a good date.

I will go back to these two little moments - when I said something stupid or told a poor story. I'll investigate why I screwed up, I'm going to find a reason and watch out the next time. It's important. Because I know how to tell great stories and I hate talking stupid. You may not even notice my mistake - I don't care. I'll fix it either way. That's not narcissism.
When you're getting to know someone, you're getting to know their stupid stories, their lame jokes, their history, their likes and dislikes. I get that you're not looking for an actual relationship, but someday, if you do decide you want an actual relationship, you'll have to be real with that person. That means go on ahead and tell the lame joke if you think it's funny. Maybe she'll think it's funny too. Or you can both laugh about how lame it is. It's those moments that build a relationship.

Also - understand that something you say to one woman that falls flat may not be a 'mistake' - women are individuals. Some of them will think you said something cool and funny while others will think you're a moron and look for the exit.

If your focus is on being perfect, and being the best, and so on, it almost looks like you're using each date as someone to practice on. Which could, theoretically, make you very smooth and good at dating/picking women up/getting them into bed/thrilling them with your awesomeness/moving on.... but understand this: Many women who are picked up by Mr Smooth who is absolutely perfect in every way, who wants to hang out and have a good time, aren't thinking, "Boy I can't wait till this guy dumps me for the next challenge!" They're thinking, "Oh I hope he's serious!"

Have you discussed dating with your therapist? Sorry if that's already been asked. I have known people with NPD and don't think they're evil or anything, I just want to draw your attention to the pain you can inadvertently cause others by practicing on them. Your therapist would probably be better at that than me.
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Default Feb 21, 2021 at 10:02 AM
  #49
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Originally Posted by MisterPaul View Post
People with personality disorders do have personality, and they can grow, just like you.

I think it's crucial. I never had any problems with girls' attention, but back in a day there was very little I could do with it because I was so anxious and messed up.

You can find a guy who's super handsome, has lots of money, and a big, fancy house, but if he struggles with who he is, you're not going to be happy with him beside you IMO.

I think you’re missing my point . You assume I never struggled with pd traits or that I was looking for handsome, rich and whatever. I agree with the person that says 25 is young to dx npd. Just do you.
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Default Feb 21, 2021 at 10:49 AM
  #50
Most people look for authenticity, not perfection. Authenticity allows room for stupid jokes and lame stories and goofy behaviors. Perfection is boring.
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Default Feb 21, 2021 at 11:18 AM
  #51
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You assume I never struggled with pd traits
You said you had two partners who were "on the narcissistic spectrum". I assume nothing. I just want to make sure that you're aware that people with personality disorder actually do have a real personality - very few with NPD do something about it. That's all.

All of you keep saying word "perfect/perfection". I wont be perfect, no matter what I do. And it's not about impression, or not making a mistake. It's about me being the best I can be. And I won't deny it, I want to be Mr. Smooth - every single time I "did the stunt" in the past, I freaking loved it, and so did she (I know, those were drunk party encounters, but I liked it).

Of course, all it takes is one girl who hates my sarcastic sense of humor and it's all gone, but that's okay. I don't care. It's natural.
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Default Feb 21, 2021 at 11:39 AM
  #52
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Have you discussed dating with your therapist? Sorry if that's already been asked. I have known people with NPD and don't think they're evil or anything, I just want to draw your attention to the pain you can inadvertently cause others by practicing on them. Your therapist would probably be better at that than me.
My therapist said she's 90% sure I won't hurt anybody. And I agree. I won't deny the fact that I won't be staying for too long, even if it costs me losing a potential parter.
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Default Feb 21, 2021 at 12:26 PM
  #53
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You said you had two partners who were "on the narcissistic spectrum". I assume nothing. I just want to make sure that you're aware that people with personality disorder actually do have a real personality - very few with NPD do something about it. That's all.

All of you keep saying word "perfect/perfection". I wont be perfect, no matter what I do. And it's not about impression, or not making a mistake. It's about me being the best I can be. And I won't deny it, I want to be Mr. Smooth - every single time I "did the stunt" in the past, I freaking loved it, and so did she (I know, those were drunk party encounters, but I liked it).

Of course, all it takes is one girl who hates my sarcastic sense of humor and it's all gone, but that's okay. I don't care. It's natural.

I have two exes that have narcissistic traits, my parents do , and I worked through my own traits in therapy.

I never used the word perfect.
My only concern was “push it to the limit”.
Just go for it.
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Default Feb 21, 2021 at 12:37 PM
  #54
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I never used the word perfect.
I didn't mean you. I thought of you only in the first paragraph of my post. Sorry for confusion.
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Default Feb 21, 2021 at 12:44 PM
  #55
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I didn't mean you. I thought of you only in the first paragraph of my post. Sorry for confusion.

No problem. I disagree with some posters who are going after me for asking what you have to offer so I want to make sure you don’t group me with them. Just live your life. Go for what you want. Don’t overthink it.
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