When a new guy GOES TOO FAR

What are your boundaries when it comes to a new guy (in a romantic way)? What do you expect to happen on the first date? What are the red flags (it's too much/too far/too quick)? When is it okay to get intimate? What about the first time with the new person? What would be considered "inappropriate", or simply "too far"? What about the dynamics you two have afterwards (assume it's not a one night stand)?

I know these are personal, but the thing is that I'm a little bit of a hot-head, action-seeking kind of guy. Whether things look good or bad, I tend to "push it to the limit" just for the sake of the thrill, often leaving empathy behind. It's a big and immature flaw. I want to fix it and I need to hear other people's voices to do so. Thank you in advance for sharing!

I honestly believe this varies between the individual. You cannot truly place a rule-of-thumb on this conceptually. My suggestion is leave the action and thrill for a later date. Like date 3+.

By a third date you'll know enough to be able to get your answer.

My experience:

5 relationships + 12 sexual partners + 1 marriage.

Cheers !!

Thank you for the advice! I like it too!

Depends what you mean by pushing things to the limits?
Are you respecting the other person when pushing things to the limits? or just seeking thrills for yourself? It takes two to tango and if you want a lasting relationship remember it involves trust, love, and respect. There is no relationship without these things. How about work on getting to know the other before you try for thrills and find out what the other likes too so you both can develop a good relationship based on mutual respect.
take care.

My only hope for the first date is to see if there is anything in common with a guy and if I might be interested in a second date. When I dated I kept first date short and nothing too overwhelming. Just to see if he is interesting and appears to have similar values. As about when to be intimate, it depends. Not on the first date, that’s for sure.

Not sure what you mean by “pushing to the limit”. I don’t see what’s that to do with empathy. Hopefully ladies have a voice and object if they aren’t interested. If both you and they are interested then whatever you two want to do. What’s too far? I’d make sure you both are staying safe. It takes two people to decide how to proceed.. nothing is too far if people are into it. “Pushing” anything wouldn’t get a guy a second date. So I’d just see if you like her and if she likes you and not worry about expectations.

Dynamics depend on what kind of relationship you are in and what dynamics you already established.

I have to add that I am sure you weren’t referring to a situation when a man goes too far without consent.

i don't really know anything about relationships but i'd say honesty and respect are the two biggest qualities that need to be emphasized, not only in the first few appointments but in Life as well. i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters that it depends on the person but waiting at least a few appointments before things get serious seems like a good option to me. perhaps this is something you learn along the way as you start going out with more people. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @MisterPaul, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Thank you, very on point! Let me describe what I mean:

Before covid I meet a girl on a train in the middle of the day. Everything went pretty amazing - dynamics, content, emotions... the entire conversation was very teasy-flirty and funny at the same time. It lasted for about 30 minutes and we pretty much couldn't take our eyes off each other... And so I can't picture me and that girl on a date that doesn't have a "happy ending" (we didn't catch up because of logistics, she was living 500 miles away from me lol). Again, I know getting intimate so quickly, in general, is a bad idea, but what in the world should I do with her when a thrill is already that strong?

There's an old Tom Waits lyric that states, "The thrill is in the pursuit, & not the apprehending." I've often found this to be true. It's sometimes best to savor the thrill for a bit to avoid screwing things up.

Could you elaborate?

You can’t imagine a good date without happy ending? Lol Are you saying you can’t wait till at least second date? You don’t think you can enjoy woman’s company without necessarily jumping to bed? I can ensure you that you can wait.

I don’t know if it’s a bad idea to have sex on the first date if you are both into it. It might not be safe but people do it. No rules against it

“What do you do with her?” I hope you don’t think that there is nothing for people to do together but have sex after 30 minutes conversations? Talk? Share more? Some people end first date with a kiss or a hug. Ask to see them again?

You also want to be mindful that what you perceive as “dream come true” “meant to be” “mind blowing encounter” might not be what the other person’s perception is and they might be taken aback by anything forward. They might be just having fun conversation. I am very social and can talk to a wall, if I chat to someone for 30 minutes and make eye contact it doesn’t mean I am about to jump to bed with them or that I am even into them. That’s why it’s wise to wait to meet people couple of times before even making a conclusion about where it’s going

Have you dated before or plan on dating or is this hypothetical?

The thrill is in excitement of anticipation.

Especially if you really like a woman.

Waiting a bit to be with her would be likely more thrilling than necessarily get into it with her as soon as you felt attraction.

There is a difference between making eye contact and staring. Also, there is a difference between chatting and having those emotional exchanges with full understanding of one another. Seriously, I can tell the difference. It doesn't happen too often, obviously, but it does happen. And no, 30 minutes is nowhere near enough to build attraction, but if you add, say, 2 hour-long date? Maybe.

Well, I struggled with my personality disorder for a long time. Then I used to seek for adventures. Right now there is no night life at all (covid) and I've made some progress with my PD, so I'm thinking about something more casual - but I just don't feel like I sense realities of the game, sort to speak.

I know what you mean, but I just don't know/feel when to proceed and when to keep talking. My senses are damaged by the anxiety and the past with the PD. That's the real problem. And because of it, I often chose to step up rather than wait (when I'm not sure what to do).

Well they say attraction is there actually pretty quick most of the time. It’s either there or it isn’t. It doesn’t mean you must proceed with physical actions.

Usually if you feel strong attraction, you ask if they like to see you again. Even the most adventurous woman will be apprehensive re sex after 2 hours but they might be up to kissing or what not. Nothing wrong with casual if both parties are up to it. But even with casual you might not want to suggest intimacy after 2 hours. No harm in meeting again

Great explanation. I believe that's the way to go. I've learnt something new. That was the point of this thread. Thank you! (I mean it, it's not a sarcasm)

I don’t suggest you proceed to anything forward on the first date. Ask to meet again. If she keeps meeting you few times she is clearly interested, then things develop naturally. It’s ok to feel anxious and not knowing what to do.

It’s also ok to say that you aren’t sure what’s dating etiquette and what’s the best course of action. Women might be understanding. Many people feel anxious on dates because they don’t want to be too forward and don’t want to appear disinterested.

Glad you find it helpful! I always answer with intent to help. Bluntness is just my nature but I am not in here for distraction or running my mouth. Much obliged to help other humans, especially young folks, we are all in this crazy world together in one way or the other

And you do it very well.

I’m grateful for people like you.

Paul, good luck with your date.

When you say pd, what do you mean? In light of that, I would bring phrases like “push it to the limit” to my therapist for discussion. Also when you say you used to have casual encounters, have you had an actual relationship?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder. My therapist knows. And no, I didn't have an actual relationship.