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RDMercer
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Default Feb 17, 2021 at 12:59 PM
  #1
Really frustrated lately, but oddly relieved too.

My wife and I have done a lot to be open to extended family on both sides. We reached out often, we travelled to visit family often, despite illnesses, sick kids, extensive work commitments. We did it because we saw it as important to be present, to reach out to family and old friends, and because we wanted connections with family and people from our childhoods, and wanted the same for our kids.

Now, 15 years later.... We have given up. The efforts really, really weren't reciprocated. We were told "you and your kids are a priority to us", yet no one came to us. We only saw family on holidays if we went there. No matter what was going on with us the responsibility for relationships was on us.

We said this, we pointed it out, we told people things were really one sided, we said we need some emotional support in our home, while CONTINUING to reach out for two years.

Then we just stopped talking about it, and we stopped trying. And we let it all go.

I hate that this is my truth. It's not the life I wanted to have, but it is what was dealt to us. I wanted a house filled with extended family and old friends. I feel so isolated, but I also feel free. I feel like all these years of longing for connections and relationships was wasted, but I'm actually happier and more relaxed now that we recognized things for what they are and stopped trying.

My home is really cool. I like my town. I like the water and the river, I like my job. My kids are funny and interesting, and they're good kids. I don't know why others that SHOULD want to be a part of this in my life don't see this stuff or want to take part.

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Default Feb 17, 2021 at 01:51 PM
  #2
So Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately sometimes it can be hard to deal with Families for one reason or another. From what you wrote it seems like you've tried so i am afraid i don't have a lot to suggest outside of maybe trying it out again sometimes but that is your decision. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @RDMercer, your Families, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?! :yourock
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Default Feb 17, 2021 at 02:01 PM
  #3
Some people don’t like to give up the control of having functions at their home. It tends to be more of a subconscious control thing. Try not to take it personally. It can become a competition and it’s just not worth it. It’s nice that you enjoy your home and family. Good for you that you have decided to let go of the BS and focus on enjoying what you have.
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Default Feb 17, 2021 at 02:11 PM
  #4
Mickey, this is real.

It was played off to me for a long time on my side that it was in my head, can't I see the good, can't I see how others are trying, why couldn't I just see. the positive.....

But, when it is year, after year, after year, and when you DO travel to see people, and they stick to their regular plans, or even accept invites from other people while we are these, so that me, wife, and kids, are ALONE in a family member's home when they've gone to a dinner or a party at someone else's.... More than once.... You start going, "OK, I've been doing the heavy lifting for this relationship, you can do your part. You are on notice that I need you around more, my kids need these connections, and I need to see you step up and try harder with us," and my siblings and parents just don't.

When you call people and say, my kid is sick, my wife is sick, we could really use some support, and they, instead, don't just go to, but HOST a party for other family members that we couldn't attend due to serious illness. Twice. You start thinking to yourself....

"You know, I really don't think it is me. I really do think it IS you guys who are the problem. I think we've been pushed aside too much."

So you stop..... And you just don't hear from anyone any more.

If it was just me, I'd keep taking it, just to have extended family connections.

But I won't have my kids grow up thinking they are less important than someone else. No way. They're good kids.

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Default Feb 18, 2021 at 10:36 AM
  #5
I am sorry, it's unfortunate but there are people who set things up so that everyone comes to them for connections. Could be out of habit like I mentioned where your parents just got used to holding things at their home and hosting. (at least when it comes to family). Often that happens because otherwise it would mean having to make a choice of who's place to go to in order to celebrate and gather. And when it comes to family that is too sick to make the trip, often that is taken that these family members prefer to distance due to illness and should be excused and not imposed upon.

It sounds like your family simply doesn't know how to function any other way then what they consider the norm, their norm. People can be funny that way where everyone gets used to whatever the established norm is and they genuinely don't see it as an issue. People can get settled into a routine and just don't care to change.
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Default Feb 18, 2021 at 12:04 PM
  #6
Well, to your credit you tried.

If other people won't meet you halfway, or even part of the way, I am afraid there is nothing you can do. We can't force people to care or show their care through their actions.

Yes, it is a loss. But seeing you are happy with your life and relationships, it is their loss. I would move on and cultivate those relationships that are more than hot air and that are mutual.
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Default Feb 19, 2021 at 01:28 PM
  #7
Totally agreed with @rive, I know it’s hard and disappointing but I would rather cultivate relations where there’s a mutual care. I know you and your wife are feeling bad because they are your family but you deserve the care you give. Your kids, even more for being so innocent.

I don’t think any family is perfect. As in any group of people, there are tensions, differences in treatment, etc.
I feel reflected with you and your wife and I had a very hard time, even nightmare, felt the lack of affection, but you know....this is their loss. You are happy with your kids and wife and have a lot to offer to them and others who probably deserve it more.

You already did your move, your effort...you have to be proud of you.

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Default Feb 19, 2021 at 01:32 PM
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Talk to them about it. Lay cards on the godd*mn table. Uncomfortable? Very likely. But if you just stop and then they stop, then it's over for sure, so it's worth trying. Difficult conversations are the real deal. We're humans. We supposed to communicate.
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Default Feb 19, 2021 at 01:45 PM
  #9
Quote:
Originally Posted by MisterPaul View Post
Talk to them about it. Lay cards on the godd*mn table. Uncomfortable? Very likely. But if you just stop and then they stop, then it's over for sure, so it's worth trying. Difficult conversations are the real deal. We're humans. We supposed to communicate.
Agreed. It worthy try it at least once. I did it three times (stupid of me) but I learnt what each person in my family was made of and it helped me to distinguish and recover some bonds that are worthy.

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Smile Feb 20, 2021 at 09:22 PM
  #10
My wife and I used to live across the country. Even with a baby, we traveled to see grandparents and aunts uncles over 5x as much as anyone came to us.

We moved specifically to be closer to family about 13 years ago. We told them we wanted them all as connections for our growing family. We were able to get work within a few hours of where everyone else lives.

Since that time, we had my parents with us for a holiday once. My siblings have been here twice (total 3 days) ever in 13 years. No holidays.

In 2013 my wife began having real health problems. So did one kid. Over the next 3 years I asked for support quite a lot. We still went there. Not reciprocated.

In 2017 I blew my cool. Big. I told everyone off, and pointed this stuff out bluntly. I said, my kids are the only grandkids in the family. You all need to start showing more interest. This is way too one sided. I said, we need some support here. I can put you all up, and feed everyone for Christmas. Instead, they hosted a party for other family at their home in 2017. Did it Again in 2018.

What do you say to 200+ ballgames and never a family member in attendance. Never someone at a school concert or recital. I can say, I never missed one. Nothing, ever. Spouse went depending on health, always. She was committed to the kids too.

My wife and I have had our issues, but DANG she was committed to having my family in our lives. Whenever someone did come, she rolled out the red carpet. She told them all she loved them and wanted them in our lives. She told them her health made traveling really hard. She begged them for more involvement, and more connection.

In the last few years, nothing changed. We went for a visit for 4 days last year, and while there, a cousin invited grandparents for supper. I declined, saying we had plans made for the kids to have time with the grandparents on their last day of summer vacation before we went home. My parents instead broke plans and went to cousins. I said, you do that, don't ever say again my kids are any kind of priority to you. They still went.

Heck... We've been invited for Christmas and arrived to an empty house because they changed their plans and went to church with other relatives a day early. One year a toddler got really sick (ER sick) on Christmas day and we were told we'd have to leave for home because it would interfere with the distant cousins who were coming that evening for a visit. Yup, I blew my cool then too. I said, we're staying, and my kids can be important for today. If you don't call everyone and cancel, I will. Nothing changed in following years.

I had this longing homesickness in me for years. Whenever I pointed this stuff out, I was asked why I was being difficult. Why couldn't I be more positive.

Never once an apology.

God.... I'm exhausted from writing that.

See, they are all HIGHLY regarded in the community and our large extended family. I think that image takes priority.

So, I'm viewed as difficult. By remaining distant, I look like the issue to all those extended family too. But I'm more at peace now. I encourage the kids to call and FaceTime here and there, but that's it.

I don't think it was me that was difficult.

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Default Feb 20, 2021 at 10:33 PM
  #11
It sounds aggravating. I am sorry you are dealing with it. They sound a bit like my husband’s family. His parents aren’t with us anymore but the rest of the family are quite dismissive of my husband.

Are you and your wife are a bit different from them? We differ from his family a lot. When I came to the picture they made some positive changes mostly because they are embarrassed to be that dismissive in front of me and they like me but still don’t ever make us a priority. (At least they have relationship with me, they had none with my husband’s first wife.).

My sister in law prefers distant cousins to her brother. Growing up she was embarrassed of her brother (he has Tourette’s so it could be embarrassing for people with low tolerance and narrow mind, and he is nerdy and dorky, lol they are very mainstream and can’t relate to this. They value machismo in men, which my husband is the opposite of that. They like to party and are somewhat vulgar and we aren’t like this at all. But we are the type to go with the flow, we join in. Still we don’t exactly fit. And they play favorites. They like one of my stepdaughters and openly dismiss the other. So bizarre. My husband is hurt by it. We just have to accept that it is what it is. My husband prefers my family now. They aren’t dismissive but as every family they could be a bit weird too. My sister in law (brothers wife) can be strange too

I totally understand how it hurts you. At least we don’t have young kids or kids together. I’d be devastated if my family dismissed my daughter.

I’d say when you have grandkids, you’d not be dismissive of your children and grandchildren because you have this negative experience. You’d not repeat the cycle. You’ll be different

Hang in there
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Default Apr 14, 2021 at 03:05 PM
  #12
You know how you leave something, put it aside, and think about it for a while? Well, this is eight weeks or so now I've been thinking about this since I posted last. My thinking on this hasn't changed.

I can say, I had a longing, homesick, feeling for years and years. I realize now that it wasn't homesickness, it was unreturned emotion. I was extending myself and extending emotion that just wasn't coming back to me. I feel a lot better these days than I did when extending myself.

There's a righteous Christian narcissism in all this too. The importance of prayer, and family, and care for others, but it is always OTHER family. Like I said, when faced with choices, repeatedly, of being with us on religious holidays, like Christmas, or being with others, my parents and siblings chose others every time. When we had to rush a toddler to the hospital on Christmas day, we were told we'd have to leave their home and drive the few hours back to ours, because it would interfere with the planned visit from other extended family if we stayed with a sick kid. That's a level of "appearances matter" that is hard to push past.

I deal with a lot of people, and it is very important to treat them like humans regardless of their circumstance. So.... How are my parents and siblings going to regard it if MY kids, the only grandkids in the family, don't end up following a strict Christian lifestyle? What if.... They move in with someone, or experiment with drugs, alcohol, or sex at a young age, or change religions, or decide they are non-believers, or whatever?

They get to have a shot at their own lives and their own choices someday too and they deserve to not be judged too harshly for it.

I'm increasingly OK with the distance, at least for now. Maybe that will change.

Thanks everyone

RDM
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Default Apr 14, 2021 at 06:30 PM
  #13
I'm really sorry this happened to you. Being angry and resentful with people because of their behavior, when they'll never change, just ends up hurting you and can really damage your life enjoyment over time. I think you and your wife will be better off without that. I'm in a somewhat similar situation with my "best friend" who always expects me to be the one to visit her (I used to visit almost every year, she visited me once in over 10 years) and has a somewhat one-sided expectation when it comes to phone calls. She'll say she misses me and we should talk soon. But the burden is always on me to actually schedule the call, which she often flakes out on. I got sick of it and resolved not to visit her until she visits me and we haven't seen each other in about 4 years so far. I'm not sure what will happen to this relationship, but I do find myself often thinking that just cleanly ending it, so I don't have to feel angry at her anymore, would be better for me.

Maybe you've opened some space in your lives to explore some new friendships and find people you're more compatible with? I also have an instinct of clinging to friends I've had for a long time, or to family/extended family. But it's the friends I made more recently, in the past 10 years or so, that are the best friends I ever had.
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