When do you say enough?

The "thing" is called verbal abuse. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. I got a divorce after 31 years of verbal abuse. It took all of my courage. One sentence helped me. "Try to let the side of you that is trying to save yourself. win." Verbal abuse also affects your immune system....every time you hear it, cortisol is released, and cortisol affects you physically....damages the immune system. Verbal abusers are angry people, and haven't resolved whatever issues they have, and take their anger out on others. They will rarely admit to their abuse. Abusers are emotional vampires....they want and need.....you to continually explain, respond to what they say.

I routinely make $100 purchases on anything I want and make $200 purchases too (knowing on some things--like groceries and a few other things, it is OK); however, my husband would not be happy with me making purchases over that amount (the exception right now is hotel rooms for our son--we have agreed that this is OK, so long as he is working) without consulting me. And he would not make a large purchase without consulting me. Not that I think that all marriages should have this rule. If your husband makes purchases this large without consulting you then perhaps what you did was within the framework of the expectations you have in your marriage. I think the real issue is why you feel so bad about what happened and how to use that information to improve either yourself or your marriage. When we feel really bad, we need to listen to what our emotions are saying. Also, IMO, if we have PTSD, sometimes our emotions get exaggerated and we have to weigh where they are coming from....

Werewoman how are you? Are you doing ok?

Thank you for saying this @Marie123. And I agree with you that it's abuse. As you know, I have been in multiple abusive relationships, and I have learned to distinctly identify what is abusive and what is not abusive. And this, as described, sounds like abuse to me. A healthy/non-abusive person does not kick someone when they're already down, and repeatedly. That is cruelty, and is not love. And a non-abusive person does not rain on their partner's parade in a controlling manner about buying a truck that brings great joy to their partner. It should be the opposite. A healthy partner would support anything that brings their love, their partner, joy and happiness. This man was the opposite - he was very controlling about it, and made her feel guilty and bad about it to the point where all joy about the purchase was squashed. And that is exactly what abusers deliberately set out to achieve: to squash their partner's joy and happiness, and also their self esteem, and self worth - kicking someone repeatedly when they're already down is abusive. It is not kind, it is cruel.

So while some members may downplay or deny that this is abuse, respectfully, I disagree and I also support that this is definitively abusive behavior. And abusers do not change simply by communicating with them about the disrespect and harm they inflict - quite the opposite. The more one tells the abuser how much it hurts, the more the abuser targets their partner's vulnerabilities. It simply arms them to continue abusing in the ways that they know will harm their partner the most. They will exploit their partner's vulnerable spots.

Abusers need intensive and long term individual therapy before change can even occur. Even then, abusers typically won't change unless they take full and complete ownership of their abuse.

In the light of werewomans marital history with her husband and his rudeness in the current incident it’s fair to say this marriage has history of abuse

But with just this incident I’d say many happily married people in a stable good marriage would have a problem with spouses buying a vehicle without a discussion or heads up. I don’t know any good marriage where such thing takes place. It’s not an unanimous decision. With boyfriend and girlfriend sure. Legal spouses, not so much.

But taking in consideration husband’s past abusive behaviors this isn’t really about this truck

Werewolf I hope you are safe and the issue with this is resolved. Let us know if you need anything

Agreed - open communication is important for such a big purchase, yet at the same time, it's her money owed to her. Did she need permission from him? No - it's her money.... with which she is allowed to do as she pleases.. Sure, perhaps communicating about it to him would have avoided any surprise and upset on his part, but to treat it like a "capital offense" and in a nasty manner? That is not called for and any kind of nastiness is unacceptable. He could have communicated his upset in a respectful manner, as it should be in a healthy relationship. This man, however, is abusive and toxic and did this in an unacceptable and nasty manner, so much so that she lost all enthusiasm for the truck. That personally makes me most angry on the OP's behalf.

No, it's more like "stop blindsiding me everytime I don't tell you something" and he just pissed all over my parade and it's not the first time.
I actually love the truck, it just took all the joy out of buying it all by myself. I don't function well, and I needed to know I still could when I needed to.

But no, I didn't communicate...again. I don't know what it is I'm supposed to and what doesn't matter? I thought the money didn't matter when I got it, but I found out it did.

That's a beautiful truck. Personally, I would sidestep your blindsiding husband who pissed all over your parade, once again. Enjoy this purchase - you deserve to feel joy and happiness about it. Screw him ... sorry, I'm a bit blunt! =)

Also, if I were in your husband's shoes, I certainly would not be nasty or pissy about a purchase that my partner made without my consultation. He knew the money was coming to you - and again, it's YOUR money, NOT his. IF it were HIS hard earned money, then I can understand better the upset that occurred. But it's YOUR money, to do with whatever you please! And in my humble opinion, he had no right to get so nasty and negative with you. Sure, perhaps you could have simply informed him of the purchase, but I don't think it was truly necessary either.

Werewoman,

The truck IS beautiful and if your family needed it and is not struggling to pay monthly bills then I can understand how you might have thought it would be a wonderful surprise.

Currently, I have been spending more on groceries than I usually do (pantry items, cleaning supplies, etc.) because I am convinced our currency is being inflated (groceries will keep going up). I feel the same way about vehicles. However, my husband and I have been able to make the most progress financially when we work together. He is frugal. I am not. Frugality is necessary to save money but sometimes it pays to not be frugal (for instance, sometimes higher priced items retain their value while cheap things just break!) And maybe deep inside you were afraid he would say no so you just did it anyways (I don't know, I have done this on occasion and am trying to be a better person about these sorts of things now...)--I do think that when you are married, how we spend and earn impacts one another greatly.

I'll try to answer everyone if I can. Mine is not an abusive relationship. I'm well schooled as part of my training in such matters having taken many classes and seminars over a couple of decades on how to identify and stop or prevent it. I'm perfectly safe.

The issue is that I have CPTSD (sometimes I'm the abuser when I dissociate) and you just can't blindside me like that and tell me I did something wrong when I know I didn't. It will cause an episode every time. He doesn't always know this, though. That's what I wish he understood. Don't tell me that I don't communicate unless you're willing to understand the reasons behind my fear.

I would like to delicately and also honestly approach this topic -- to me, the signs of abuse are present in him given what you have described of him so far. It also sounds now like it's a mutually abusive relationship and that you in part, or deep down, accept his abuse towards you.... you say it's not abuse because of your own training on the topic. I circle back to the notion of cruelty and healthy love not being able to co-exist. So perhaps it's not abuse in your mind because you also abuse him.

I respectfully disagree. Perhaps this topic is too complex. Nothing is ever that cut and dry.

My partner & I have been together 18 years. We were both married before, so we know what unhealthy relationships are like. I think it's important to set ground rules for communication & to realize the consequences of opening our mouths when angry; some words or tones can't & shouldn't be used or excused. Dropping "F-bombs," or raising one's voice unnecessarily can have lingering consequences. There's no excuse for the type of reaction you described, Werewoman. I hope he doesn't treat you like that on a regular basis.

That stated, neither my partner nor I would ever make a major purchase without consulting each other. For us, it's just a matter of mutual respect. Others have pointed this out quite well already, so I won't beat a dead horse.

While I understand you feel scarred by his angry attacks, I hope you are able to work things out. Good luck.

So, do you think this took him by surprise and triggered him and he reacted badly?

It's not that the car isn't nice, I can see it's a nice truck.

Hey, that’s ok. You know the ins and outs of your relationship. I do not. I can only go on what is stated on here. Relationships can be complex, I agree.

I just now saw the truck! Lovely color! Another Chevy girl! GM folks unite! I drive Chevy Trax at the moment. So does my dad. Two of my best girlfriends both just got Equinox. It this Silverado? They have a new truck this year, I think it’s called Colorado

I agree, relationships, especially ones that have been long term have lots of challenges to them. It's not cut and dry or black and white. Both learn a lot and have a lot of challenges they face together and we don't JUST have all the answers. I was only 24 when I married, things are VERY different now then at that time. No cell phones or hopping on the computer like so many are so accustomed to now. So many changes we both had to navigate around. And boy trucks are so expensive now, it's insane.

No there's no excuse. My MI frustrates him. Sometimes a little too much. I try to be patient because I know how hard I am to live with and I'd give anything not to be sick. I don't like not being able to control my emotions, and sadly, I have taken it out on him a few times, not realizing it until I 'come out of it'. I'm not saying it makes the way he acts sometimes okay. It just explains it.

The truck purchase was discussed and agreed upon weeks ago. We agreed when the money came in, I would buy the truck if it was still there and it was. I didn't tell him the money came. That's my crime. I didn't think it mattered since it was back payments for disability owed to me. I don't tell him every time my monthly check comes, so why would I think it necessary to tell him I received the back payments? To me, it's all one and the same. I guess he doesn't see it that way. From his perspective, I 'failed to communicate' when I didn't tell him about receiving the money.

It's a Colorado. It's a crew cab but its smaller than a Silverado. I just sold my old 2003 trailblazer. I only drive bowties. I wasn't aware there was any other make of vehicle.

It's good that you are recognizing this @Werewoman. I have a feeling you may trigger each other and you both end up frustrated. A trigger can help uncover "the Thing" though where that very sensitive injury you have personally reacts and creates an episode. I know for myself, when I experience a bad trigger it can literally cripple me for a few days depending on what the trigger is. That can be hard for a spouse to live with even though the sufferer believes "if only he would JUST, doesn't he get it?".

I believe you got that check and wanted to get that truck you really wanted and you wanted to get it yourself and bring it home. You wanted to embrace feeling empowered, being able to get something for yourself. You wanted others to respect that and be happy for you too. But, you got what you felt was a negative reaction and it ruined the experience you so wanted to have that was a positive for you that helped you feel empowered. That experience you wanted got ruined and triggered you to the point where you crashed and did not want to have anything to do with it. It isn't the truck either, it's still a nice truck and something you wanted that represented a big positive. It's the "hurt/bad feeling" you experienced that caused the shut down.

Does that help describe "the Thing"?