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Default Feb 22, 2021 at 09:01 AM
  #41
Commercials depict someone surprises the family with a car in the driveway with a big bow on it and they are all delighted. You had discussed your intent to purchase the truck. It sounds like your h didn’t like the surprise that you did it without him. It came from his sense of lack of control. Maybe he worried you hadn’t gotten a good deal or something to that effect. Tbh, my h would have freaked out too. Sexist, I know.

It would have been nice if it had been that Hallmark moment where they saw the truck and were happy. Yeah, it was about control. You really didn’t do anything wrong. It’s just that your h isn’t the type of person who reacted the way you had hoped.

Enjoy the truck and try to get past the moment that didn’t fly. Is he glad you got the truck overall?

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Default Feb 22, 2021 at 10:08 AM
  #42
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Commercials depict someone surprises the family with a car in the driveway with a big bow on it and they are all delighted.
LOL, yeah "The Fantasy". Who wouldn't want that?
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Default Feb 22, 2021 at 10:34 AM
  #43
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
Commercials depict someone surprises the family with a car in the driveway with a big bow on it and they are all delighted. You had discussed your intent to purchase the truck. It sounds like your h didn’t like the surprise that you did it without him. It came from his sense of lack of control. Maybe he worried you hadn’t gotten a good deal or something to that effect. Tbh, my h would have freaked out too. Sexist, I know.

It would have been nice if it had been that Hallmark moment where they saw the truck and were happy. Yeah, it was about control. You really didn’t do anything wrong. It’s just that your h isn’t the type of person who reacted the way you had hoped.

Enjoy the truck and try to get past the moment that didn’t fly. Is he glad you got the truck overall?
He has no issue with the truck. I have bought many vehicles on my own. He has his work truck and I have the 'family' car, so to speak, so I'm the one who makes that decision, usually. I needed a truck because I take care of my elderly father.

His issue with me is when the lump sum from disability arrived in my bank account - I keep a separate account for the disability checks. I pay my medical bills out of it - I didn't inform him that it arrived.

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Default Feb 22, 2021 at 11:26 AM
  #44
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Originally Posted by Werewoman View Post
It's a Colorado. It's a crew cab but its smaller than a Silverado. I just sold my old 2003 trailblazer. I only drive bowties. I wasn't aware there was any other make of vehicle.
I am loyal to the brand too
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Default Feb 22, 2021 at 11:34 AM
  #45
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
Commercials depict someone surprises the family with a car in the driveway with a big bow on it and they are all delighted. You had discussed your intent to purchase the truck. It sounds like your h didn’t like the surprise that you did it without him. It came from his sense of lack of control. Maybe he worried you hadn’t gotten a good deal or something to that effect. Tbh, my h would have freaked out too. Sexist, I know.

It would have been nice if it had been that Hallmark moment where they saw the truck and were happy. Yeah, it was about control. You really didn’t do anything wrong. It’s just that your h isn’t the type of person who reacted the way you had hoped.

Enjoy the truck and try to get past the moment that didn’t fly. Is he glad you got the truck overall?
I think it’s more about type of personalities. Rather than sexist. My husband wouldn’t care and wouldn’t skip a beat if I showed up with a truck but i’d freak out if he showed up with unplanned major purchase, he is easy going. I am a planner. lol He also tends to sign up for things that dealer offers without thinking he needs it (extra care plan and some other unnecessary things). He does it because he has hard time saying no to a dealer. I have no issue saying no.

I think if someone was sole bread winner I’d not mind to see a new car on a driveway that he bought for me without my involvement. But we contribute to our life style equally so I’d not want unexpected cars!
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Default Feb 22, 2021 at 11:41 AM
  #46
If he already knew you buying a truck and that the money comes in, then he really can’t complain it’s a complete surprise. He had reasonable heads up
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Default Feb 22, 2021 at 11:45 AM
  #47
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If he already knew you buying a truck and that the money comes in, then he really can’t complain it’s a complete surprise. He had reasonable heads up
Thank you! My thoughts exactly.

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Default Feb 22, 2021 at 11:50 AM
  #48
A lot of what I was referring to in my original post regarding his words was how people like him, unknowingly I hope, say the most horrible, painful things because they really don't understand MI at all and I gave up trying to get him to educate himself. My dad is the same way.

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Default Feb 23, 2021 at 06:25 AM
  #49
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He has no issue with the truck. I have bought many vehicles on my own. He has his work truck and I have the 'family' car, so to speak, so I'm the one who makes that decision, usually. I needed a truck because I take care of my elderly father.

His issue with me is when the lump sum from disability arrived in my bank account - I keep a separate account for the disability checks. I pay my medical bills out of it - I didn't inform him that it arrived.
I don’t understand why he got upset about that, so upset that he was mad about the truck when you arrived with it.

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Default Feb 23, 2021 at 07:25 AM
  #50
Whoa... so in reading the latest entries, let me get this straight. He already knew of your plans to buy the truck? And he also knew the money was coming in from disability? Yet what he was not informed of was when the money came into your account? And that is it? And then you bought a truck because you are taking care of your father and needed the truck?

This puts a whole different spin on this situation..... if he already was aware of your intent to purchase the truck, AND of the money coming in, then yes, this does seem like an overreaction on his part.

I still remain of the same opinion that his nastiness towards you was completely uncalled for.

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Default Feb 25, 2021 at 09:43 AM
  #51
His highness is the only one to make decisions and take any action? Otherwise, he treats you like crap?

Sorry, I still see it as abusive and highly controlling.
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Default Feb 25, 2021 at 12:29 PM
  #52
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I don’t understand why he got upset about that, so upset that he was mad about the truck when you arrived with it.
He's not mad about the truck. He's genuinely glad that I found the one I wanted. He's mad because I didn't tell him I received in my bank account the lump sum of back payments. I keep wondering if it was the amount that was the issue. Like he's afraid I can't handle it responsibly. I don't know.
I am.

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Default Feb 25, 2021 at 12:46 PM
  #53
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His highness is the only one to make decisions and take any action? Otherwise, he treats you like crap?

Sorry, I still see it as abusive and highly controlling.
You may be right. It's hard to see what's going on from the inside.
He just wants me to TELL him when I make decisions and take action.
He feels I don't communicate enough. I don't. I always come away feeling like I'm in trouble or something because my bipolar gets so out of control.
I am 100% disabled. I can no longer care for myself. I can't just leave and go wherever I want. Plus, I need my treatments every month unless I want a one way ticket to the nuthouse.
There are definitely issues that need addressing, and they will be as always (that's how you stay together for 30 years). I am still mystified by his reaction - that he made it about communication.

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Default Feb 26, 2021 at 08:49 AM
  #54
I hear what you are saying Werewoman... but even then, that does not give him licence to treat you like crap. There is no respect, nor care, in his communication towards you i.e. his spouse. This is what I am having issues with.

Shouting, belittling, hurting someone you supposedly love is unacceptable.

He is accusing you of not communicating with him. Does he not see that his way of communicating with you is pretty appalling?
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Default Feb 26, 2021 at 07:15 PM
  #55
I have a feeling your husband tries and gets triggered at times. I have myself had awful triggers and ptsd challenges and it’s hard to deal with a spouse with mental illness. I don’t just jump on the abuse band wagon as it’s not so black and white.
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Default Feb 26, 2021 at 08:41 PM
  #56
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I hear what you are saying Werewoman... but even then, that does not give him licence to treat you like crap. There is no respect, nor care, in his communication towards you i.e. his spouse. This is what I am having issues with.

Shouting, belittling, hurting someone you supposedly love is unacceptable.

He is accusing you of not communicating with him. Does he not see that his way of communicating with you is pretty appalling?
I wasn't aware he was THAT bad. I just want him to stop telling me that I'm hard to live with (I KNOW ALREADY) and tell me what he wants to know. He could have said "Let me know when you get it". I would have been fine with that.
We're talking about it.

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Default Feb 26, 2021 at 10:43 PM
  #57
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I wasn't aware he was THAT bad. I just want him to stop telling me that I'm hard to live with (I KNOW ALREADY) and tell me what he wants to know. He could have said "Let me know when you get it". I would have been fine with that.
We're talking about it.
I've been following your thread @Werewoman, and I wouldn't call this abuse but rather communication issues with the two of you.

I think it's reasonable that your husband would want you to communicate about big changes to finances like a big payout and the purchase of a vehicle. If it were me, I can imagine that I would be perhaps taken aback that you hadn't mentioned it to me, and maybe, in a not so great moment, responded not so positively.

I don't think he's trying to trigger you. He is allowed his reactions too, and he is human, remember.

And of course you should be able to enjoy the purchase of a new truck. And you've been married long enough that he should know that perhaps this type of criticism will trigger you when given sharply. What I would like you to consider though is that even as your husband, is it his job to remember your triggers and avoid them? That would equate to tiptoeing around you. That's not really fair to him.

However, if there is a way you can ask him to very specifically raise these concerns because it triggers you, then he should be able to respect that request.

I hope I'm not invalidating, that's not my intent. What I think is in order is a discussion with the two of you on how he can best communicate his feelings, even when they are negative, and for you to handle them. I understand that this triggers you, and it also sounds like he is not so nice sometimes about your disability, which is not okay.

But it does also sound, from the way you describe your love for him, that you both could discuss very openly the best ways to communicate when these feelings arise. Like how he can best communicate his surprise and concern to you without triggering you but also in a way that allows you two to discuss it.

I think he might need to join like a family group for support or something like that. It is hard for family to cope with mental illness in the family, and they need a place to discuss without hurting family. Maybe he reacts poorly because he also could use support?

I think you deal with things so well, all things considered. The way you've thought this through and coped with your own triggers about it. Maybe your husband needs a place to deal with his own triggers?

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Default Feb 27, 2021 at 07:52 AM
  #58
I agree with seesaw, and I really wanted to put more focus on "the thing" that triggers you. Thinking about you got me thinking about "the thing" that challenges me as well. It tends to stem from wanting to have one's own power, freedom to feel happy and having that challenged by a controlling negative presence. This can be something that repeatedly happened in one's past/childhood.

Others don't live in our head like we do, they don't have our history and our memory. So they don't always understand our triggers. Communication can be challenged because of this. I believe that you wanted to feel the freedom of what it means to have some money and get to go out and buy what you want. You ended up experiencing a reaction that triggered you to get angry and reject instead. It was not the car, it was wanting to get it the way YOU wanted.

Your husband reacted in a way that triggered a "kill joy" in you. My guess is that it's not him being abusive but he got triggered and concerned instead of giving you the reaction you wanted. I think your husband does try to understand you and he tries to be patient. It's just that "thing" that challenges you that he can't seem to get yet. That is what I wanted to focus on with you. I can struggle with that myself and it's very hard to articulate.

I don't think the response of "he is abusing you" is a fit. Instead he gets triggered and confused and has tried very hard to be patient with you.
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Default Feb 27, 2021 at 08:16 AM
  #59
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I wasn't aware he was THAT bad. I just want him to stop telling me that I'm hard to live with (I KNOW ALREADY) and tell me what he wants to know. He could have said "Let me know when you get it". I would have been fine with that.
We're talking about it.
To tell you you are hard to live with is difficult to hear. What concerns me is that he says this to you repeatedly and you have also stated that no matter what you do to try and educate your husband, he will not learn on his own about your MI. Instead, he chooses to say insulting and hurtful things by labelling you as being difficult to live with. That only will generate shameful feelings on your part, and perhaps even guilt and my guess, is it also lowers your self esteem?

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Default Feb 27, 2021 at 12:40 PM
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To tell you you are hard to live with is difficult to hear. What concerns me is that he says this to you repeatedly and you have also stated that no matter what you do to try and educate your husband, he will not learn on his own about your MI. Instead, he chooses to say insulting and hurtful things by labelling you as being difficult to live with. That only will generate shameful feelings on your part, and perhaps even guilt and my guess, is it also lowers your self esteem?
Nah. My self esteem is intact. It's not dependent on what others say or do. I outgrew that a long time ago. All I feel is anger. No shame, no guilt, just a lot of frustration and anger.

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