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Old 03-04-2021, 12:12 PM   #71
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Default Re: When do you say enough?

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Well you have bipolar and cptsd too. I think what your husband is trying to say is that you can trigger him. It sounds like he loves you yet genuinely gets confused.

Mental illness is no picnic. And others struggle to understand it. People donít understand unless they experience it for themselves.

I think itís a step in the right direction that you are trying to listen. I think itís also a positive that you recovered instead of going on and on with anger etc. Thats a big deal.
The more I pursue answers, the worse it gets. This morning the first thing he said was that he was just waiting for the next meltdown that he's gonna have to deal with. After that it was just all negativity complaining about triggers and I don't remember what all. I was hyperfocused on staying calm.
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Old 03-04-2021, 10:25 PM   #72
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Default Re: When do you say enough?

Well it sounds like he needed to vent some frustration out. Donít absorb it and just listen and stay calm. Learning to manage your challenge takes time. Remember medication only helps so managing better can happen and it doesnít happen over night.
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Old 03-05-2021, 06:06 AM   #73
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Default Re: When do you say enough?

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The more I pursue answers, the worse it gets. This morning the first thing he said was that he was just waiting for the next meltdown that he's gonna have to deal with. After that it was just all negativity complaining about triggers and I don't remember what all. I was hyperfocused on staying calm.
It sounds to me like he isn'.t supportive to you through your meltdowns and instead is negative towards you about your illness and all that you go through. Ideally, he would try to support you through each meltdown and he would read up on your MI so he can support you effectively. It seems instead you receive negative remarks and condemnation.
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Old 03-05-2021, 12:14 PM   #74
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Default Re: When do you say enough?

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It sounds to me like he isn'.t supportive to you through your meltdowns and instead is negative towards you about your illness and all that you go through. Ideally, he would try to support you through each meltdown and he would read up on your MI so he can support you effectively. It seems instead you receive negative remarks and condemnation.
In all fairness, when I lose control, it's really bad, but I do wish he would try harder to understand what mental illness is. He believes he knows, but his ignorance is obvious at times.

This is all new behavior for him. He's always looked after me, reminding me to take my meds and eat something. I have no appetite. That's why none of this makes sense. Why does it bother him now. Is it just that after 25 years of dealing with me, he reached the end of his rope.
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The more the light shines through me
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I pretend I'm burning bright
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I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
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Old 03-05-2021, 12:29 PM   #75
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Default Re: When do you say enough?

He could word it differently. Like he worries about you having more meltdowns or what not. ďGonna have to deal withĒ is a little harsh. I understand he is tired and it cannot be easy. His delivery is a bit off though.
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Old 03-05-2021, 01:23 PM   #76
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Default Re: When do you say enough?

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In all fairness, when I lose control, it's really bad, but I do wish he would try harder to understand what mental illness is. He believes he knows, but his ignorance is obvious at times.

This is all new behavior for him. He's always looked after me, reminding me to take my meds and eat something. I have no appetite. That's why none of this makes sense. Why does it bother him now. Is it just that after 25 years of dealing with me, he reached the end of his rope.
Mental illness is hard even for those suffering from it to understand even when they try to learn about it. Itís good that you admit that you have had very bad episodes. IMHO your husband is probably triggered and wonders if you are going to have a bad episode. When it happens he probably feels helpless and men especially do not like to feel helpless.
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Old 03-05-2021, 05:41 PM   #77
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Default Re: When do you say enough?

I, for one, am not expecting him to be superhuman but to demonstrate basic human compassion towards someone (his spouse!) who is struggling with a MI. Is that too much to ask to show some respect rather than to lose it and treat you so badly? I really don't see how that is helpful.

I also don't see it as justifiable that just because someone (he) runs out of patience, it is okay to demean, shout down, abuse someone else.
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Old Yesterday, 07:08 AM   #78
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Default Re: When do you say enough?

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I, for one, am not expecting him to be superhuman but to demonstrate basic human compassion towards someone (his spouse!) who is struggling with a MI. Is that too much to ask to show some respect rather than to lose it and treat you so badly? I really don't see how that is helpful.

I also don't see it as justifiable that just because someone (he) runs out of patience, it is okay to demean, shout down, abuse someone else.
This is not normal behavior. He's been supportive all along through the decades. I really wonder if he's burned out.
My cousin who is also bipolar gave me some great advice. He told me I have to own it first, then it will be easier to control. I needed a few days to think about what he meant by that, and I think it means taking 100% responsibility for your illness and how it affects others. Own the meltdowns, the sudden outbursts of anger, own it even when you don't remember what you did (happens to me a lot). I stopped blaming everything I do wrong on my illness, stopped making excuses, like throwing a hairbrush through the bedroom window and saying I was aiming for the wall. I have damaged walls, doors, and furniture in a fit of rage. I don't know if it will stop or not. Time will tell.
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The more the light shines through me
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I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
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Old Yesterday, 09:04 AM   #79
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Default Re: When do you say enough?

When it comes to MI, it can be a lot of work to control how it affects us. You have two conditions that can be very challenging for your conscious mind to get under control. It's like when someone suffers from migrane headaches and they get so bad the person can't function. It's not something that person can JUST decide not to have and struggle with. And some have learned to do things despite the genuine pain of the migrane and others that don't have that problem don't know how challenging that makes doing tasks despite that pain is.

Quote:
In all fairness, when I lose control, it's really bad, but I do wish he would try harder to understand what mental illness is. He believes he knows, but his ignorance is obvious at times.
I have felt this myself in that I suffered horrible ptsd episodes and I felt frightened and very alone with it. Yet, as I mentioned other people are not going to genuinely understand it unless they experience it for themselves. In fact, people can say some throughtless and disrespectful things when it comes to ptsd. Like, it's the new in thing to say now. For someone who genuinely struggles with it, hearing that said in such a dismissive way can actually be triggering and disrespectful like what an abuser would say.

Quote:
The more I pursue answers, the worse it gets. This morning the first thing he said was that he was just waiting for the next meltdown that he's gonna have to deal with. After that it was just all negativity complaining about triggers and I don't remember what all. I was hyperfocused on staying calm.
Oh boy, can I relate to this! My husband has witnessed me experience flashbacks, and he has witnessed someone who is extremely toxic trigger me into having a flashback too. Yet, he can say all the wrong things even though he witnesses it. YES!!! I have had that same kind of reaction where there was negativity and I tune that out because I too am hyperfocused on staying calm. That is why I wanted to focus on "that thing" with you. And I also noticed that while you did get triggered, you managed to overcome it too. It can be something a medication helps with to a certain extent. At least enough to notice "the thing" and better define it. I know that's important because in order to tame something the first step is "name it to tame it".

Wouldn't it be nice if others around us could understand that? I wish I could say any therapist would know, but that's not true either. Yet when one does actually know, it can make all the difference in the world.

It IS important though to keep in mind that your husband has witnessed you experience some really bad episodes, so in all fairness to him he won't know how bad you are going to get. That is scary for anyone and not an easy thing to be around. I try to keep that in mind when my husband reacts badly when I need him to be calm and more supportive instead.

We cannot go and change our past, however, it's important to one's mental health to understand how our past affected us in ways we did not realize and cause problems for us in the present. There are times where I can't understand what is triggering me, it can take a lot of time to figure it out. When I do figure it out and try to describe it and put it into words? The one thing I hate to hear is "well if you know that then JUST or DON'T ALLOW". Truth is that just because we identify something, it doesn't mean it JUST stops affecting us or isn't intrusive when something similar takes place.

People can say some pretty mean things. Yes, they can claim they know because maybe they read about a certain MI challenge, yet, their responses clearly show they STILL don't get it. When that happens, I have to try to work on being patient with that too on top of my inner challenge with PTSD and so many traumas that go way back for me. Oh I can definitely relate to "the more I pursue answers the worse it gets". I can't say enough the patience one has to develop to slowly unravel the things we may not have consciously realized hurt us and can come forward so intrusively. What I can say is that when some else "gets it", it's such a comfort and can help us not feel so alone with it.
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Old Yesterday, 02:31 PM   #80
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Default Re: When do you say enough?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
When it comes to MI, it can be a lot of work to control how it affects us. You have two conditions that can be very challenging for your conscious mind to get under control. It's like when someone suffers from migrane headaches and they get so bad the person can't function. It's not something that person can JUST decide not to have and struggle with. And some have learned to do things despite the genuine pain of the migrane and others that don't have that problem don't know how challenging that makes doing tasks despite that pain is.


I have felt this myself in that I suffered horrible ptsd episodes and I felt frightened and very alone with it. Yet, as I mentioned other people are not going to genuinely understand it unless they experience it for themselves. In fact, people can say some throughtless and disrespectful things when it comes to ptsd. Like, it's the new in thing to say now. For someone who genuinely struggles with it, hearing that said in such a dismissive way can actually be triggering and disrespectful like what an abuser would say.


Oh boy, can I relate to this! My husband has witnessed me experience flashbacks, and he has witnessed someone who is extremely toxic trigger me into having a flashback too. Yet, he can say all the wrong things even though he witnesses it. YES!!! I have had that same kind of reaction where there was negativity and I tune that out because I too am hyperfocused on staying calm. That is why I wanted to focus on "that thing" with you. And I also noticed that while you did get triggered, you managed to overcome it too. It can be something a medication helps with to a certain extent. At least enough to notice "the thing" and better define it. I know that's important because in order to tame something the first step is "name it to tame it".

Wouldn't it be nice if others around us could understand that? I wish I could say any therapist would know, but that's not true either. Yet when one does actually know, it can make all the difference in the world.

It IS important though to keep in mind that your husband has witnessed you experience some really bad episodes, so in all fairness to him he won't know how bad you are going to get. That is scary for anyone and not an easy thing to be around. I try to keep that in mind when my husband reacts badly when I need him to be calm and more supportive instead.

We cannot go and change our past, however, it's important to one's mental health to understand how our past affected us in ways we did not realize and cause problems for us in the present. There are times where I can't understand what is triggering me, it can take a lot of time to figure it out. When I do figure it out and try to describe it and put it into words? The one thing I hate to hear is "well if you know that then JUST or DON'T ALLOW". Truth is that just because we identify something, it doesn't mean it JUST stops affecting us or isn't intrusive when something similar takes place.

People can say some pretty mean things. Yes, they can claim they know because maybe they read about a certain MI challenge, yet, their responses clearly show they STILL don't get it. When that happens, I have to try to work on being patient with that too on top of my inner challenge with PTSD and so many traumas that go way back for me. Oh I can definitely relate to "the more I pursue answers the worse it gets". I can't say enough the patience one has to develop to slowly unravel the things we may not have consciously realized hurt us and can come forward so intrusively. What I can say is that when some else "gets it", it's such a comfort and can help us not feel so alone with it.
I just love you! it's like you're in my head. 😳 Are you sure that's a safe place to be? Cuz there's some crazy s**t flying around up there.
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You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. ~ Robin Williams

Did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage? ~ Pink Floyd


The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I'm burning bright
The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I'm burning ~ Shinedown
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