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Poohbah
Member Since May 2014
Location: Betelgeuse
Posts: 1,472
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#1
Don't get me wrong, I adore my husband. We've been together for 30 years.
And then there's the Thing. It always manages to show up when I'm not doing well. Pouring salt on the wound sort of thing is all it's good for. Something else I hate about the Thing is the way it denigrates me. It tears down my defenses and leaves me feeling naked and helpless. The Thing is very unpredictable. You never know when it will get thrown at you and you pray it doesn't stick. The Thing is words. Awful words. Hurtful words. Words to be avoided. So who is it the Keeper of the Thing? The one who weilds it with great power and fear? My husband. Example: I recently received a sum of money from Social Security Disability - back payments - which he knew was coming soon and when it did, I bought a truck I've had my eye on for weeks. Beautiful truck! We'll, when I texted him at work about the truck, he got really nasty with me because he said (yet effing again) that I didn't "communicate" with him when I didnt tell him about getting the money and he's all rude and treating me like I've committed a capitol offence. I know one thing, I don't want the efing truck anymore. It hurts to look at it. And all I was trying to do is surprise my family. That's all. __________________ You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. ~ Robin Williams Did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage? ~ Pink Floyd |
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*Beth*, Bill3, Open Eyes, RoxanneToto, Tonorae, TunedOut
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#2
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*Beth*, RoxanneToto
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 23,117
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#3
Do you "feel" that in order for you to be happy about something HE needs to approve?
Could it be that he will have to worry about paying the insurance and taxes on this new truck, or is that something you pay for? |
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Poohbah
Member Since May 2014
Location: Betelgeuse
Posts: 1,472
9 1,217 hugs
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#4
Quote:
I don't feel that I need his approval, but he can make me pretty miserable when he doesn't. __________________ You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. ~ Robin Williams Did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage? ~ Pink Floyd |
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RoxanneToto
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Open Eyes
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 23,117
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#5
So the Thing is that you need him to care more about what you choose to make you happy? And if he doesn't you can't be happy about what you choose?
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,375
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#6
Being nasty to one’s spouse is literally never ok. And one time is one time too many. There is no reason to tolerate nastiness. I am with you on that
Having said that, I wonder if it’s more about communication than giving approval? I don’t need anyone’s approval about anything. But we still communicate to each other when we want to get new cars, simply because I think it’s a good thing to do. Not approval. Although I’d probably tell my husband to check his head if he wanted to buy Lamborghini, other than that extreme we don’t care. But communicating is kind of important. I mean we don’t tell each other ahead of time if we buy pair of shoes or a new coat. I’d not be communicating that. But a major thing like a car we would chat about. But again everyone’s marriage is different. It depends on how you normally communicate. I personally do not like surprises (beyond like normal gifts type of thing), anything major please no surprises. My husband doesn’t mind surprises. Everyone is different Would he listen to you about the fact that he can’t be nasty to you?. If he wants more communication, he needs to spell it out politely. “Honey I am happy you got a truck you wanted but you know I get flustered with surprises, could you give me heads up about major things like that?” Just my thoughts. Everyone’s marriage is different. Every couple has their own communication style. Everyone’s financial situation is different. |
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*Beth*, RoxanneToto
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
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#7
Often with a big purchase like a car/truck a husband likes to know the specifics so he can make sure of the value and what can go wrong with said vehicle. That's something my husband would be concerned with especially wanting to make sure it's safe for me to drive. If used my husband prefers to have a mechanic he knows and trusts look it over to make sure it's ok.
I have a feeling it's more than that though and am not sure my statement will help much with the overall Thing that keeps bothering you. Last edited by Open Eyes; Feb 20, 2021 at 12:04 PM.. |
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Legendary
Member Since Jun 2016
Location: Italy
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#8
So Sorry that you're hurting! i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters in speaking up about it to your Husband since this is clearly bothering you. You have every right to talk about what is making you happy or unhappy. Please do keep posting here if you want. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Werewoman, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Magnate
Member Since Sep 2013
Posts: 2,014
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#9
When do you say enough?
He has proved, seemingly time and again, that it is high time. The time for 'enough' is well overdue. This is verbal/emotional abuse. Set your boundaries as enough is enough. |
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Have Hope
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,090
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#10
Quote:
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Rive.
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,375
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#11
Some men (and women) still operate under the notion that men are wise and savvy and know all ins and outs while women are clueless and gullible and need men to guide them through life and make decisions for them. Yeah in 1800s that was the case.. So very outdated.
In addition some people think it’s ok to speak rudely to their spouse, they’d not speak like this to their boss because they’d likely be fired. But she’ll take it so it’s ok to be rude to her. So not right. Now even though i personally think it’s important to communicate re major purchase regardless of gender, I don’t think anyone needs to tolerate bad treatment. Same message could be delivered in a much more respectful way. |
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Werewoman
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RoxanneToto, Werewoman
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 23,117
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#12
I am focusing on the fact that you have been married to your husband for 30 years and love him a bunch/adore him. I am not one to encourage discard. I would rather consider working on the Thing and how to reduce it. No man is perfect and not all imperfections equate to abuse.
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Aug 2020
Location: England
Posts: 1,692
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#13
How long has he been talking to you like this, though? Do you think he would be willing to change the way he talks to you (I.e. not be nasty)? No man is perfect, true, but how you talk to someone else is almost always your choice... especially when responding to a text or email, where you have more time to think over your choice of words. What if he doesn’t want to change? Is the relationship acceptable to you as it stands?
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,090
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#14
I don't get how nastiness and love can co-exist.... not at all. To me, that is not love - it's hurtful, it's disrespectful, he kicks her constantly when she's down. That is not healthy love... it's a toxic love.
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Rive.
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since May 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 1,523
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#15
I have been married more than 33 years and appreciate that my husband has been loyal and caring but he also sometimes "blows up" and says VERY hurtful words. I now realize that some of it is anxiety. However, some of it was that I didn't have good boundaries--I had a tendency to become too enmeshed in relationships (it wasn't just my husband) which made it hard to see when I need to put my foot down, stand up for myself, etc. I am a lot less enmeshed now--though I do have occasional flare-ups. This video explains really well what I mean about enmeshment:
HEAL #1 | Enmeshment, Detachment & Interdependence | Relationships - YouTube |
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Werewoman
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Open Eyes, Werewoman
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,375
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#16
Werewoman I hope you are or will be able to speak to him about his rude ways of communicating his needs (nasty as you called it). Is he willing to take a look at his own behavior and make changes or he is not an introspective type? Is he communicating in this manner about other topics too? Of just particular one (lack of communication and major purchases)? In addition how does he speak to other people?
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,090
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#17
My guess is she's already tried to communicate this in a marriage of 30 years. I am sure he knows full well her pain and hurt from his disrespect and nastiness. My most educated guess. If he hasn't changed by now, he won't be changing at all.
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Werewoman
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Werewoman
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New Member
Member Since Feb 2021
Location: Alabama
Posts: 3
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#18
I don't think this is about the truck. I think this might be about control. It sounds like they are saying "You do what I say you can do or want you to do or I'll make you miserable."
Sorry. Speaking from my experience. Last edited by CANDC; Feb 20, 2021 at 09:53 PM.. Reason: clarification |
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Werewoman
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Rive., Werewoman
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Legendary
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,192
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#19
You expressed your feeling about not wanting the truck anymore, after he yelled at you about buying it. I can relate to this feeling, if I am understanding you correctly. Are you addressing how his turning the truck purchase into a struggle made you lose your feelings of joy about it? Has he done this to you about other things, too?
Was it far out of character for you to buy the truck without discussing it with him? His reaction depends on how your relationship is normally functioning. There are no right/wrong ways here, only how people decide to be in their communication. Personally, I would buy shoes without discussing...but not expensive ones without discussing, lol. A vehicle purchase without discussion is unimaginable for me. I agree, the nasty, hurtful treatment between people who supposedly love each other is not okay. It’s good to say ‘enough’, don’t engage, walk away, try to stop it from happening with better communication. __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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TunedOut
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
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#20
Often "the Thing" turns out to be when one does something that empowers them and gives them a sense of accomplishment for self and someone else devalues it or behaves in a way that turns it into something negative. This tends to be something that triggers ptsd symptoms when someone struggles with ptsd. And if it's cptsd, it can go way back for someone to something that person experienced in their childhood growing up.
The fact that you don't even want the truck now tells me that it's not so much the truck but that you were so happy when you got it and someone else ruined that for you. So, it's the feeling of that itself that you want no part of. Does that describe the "Thing"? |
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Werewoman
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TunedOut, Werewoman
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