How would you feel or react to this?

How would you feel/react if you had an unexpected pregnancy 5 years into a relationship then upon announcing it to your boyfriend, who has anxiety issues, he has a panic attack about finances and figuring everything out during it considering you both were unemployed, living at your seperate parents? He shares he doesnt know if he is ready to be a father but he will do whatever he can to make it work.

Then once he calmed down, he wrote you a letter apologizing about the panic attack and explains his panic, then wants to support you and figure everything out.

How would you react/feel about him panicking to this situation?

Would you feel like he does not love you or does not want to be with you?

The panic attack would strike me as a genetic predisposition and or something caused from the environment (learned from parents or caused by stress or PTSD). IMO, he can figure out how to treat it, live with it successfully, etc. but it may come up as a parent since parenting can be stressful at times. So long as he acknowledges/realizes he has this issue, he can be a good partner and parent. That he says he doesn't know if he is ready to be a father sounds like him being open about his feelings. Given the situation you described, his feelings seem totally reasonable. That he said he would do whatever he can to make it work and that he apologized for the panic attack sounds like he wants to make it work. I have been married more than 3 decades--perhaps the "feeling" of love is means different things to different people? I only know how I feel, I don't know for sure everything going on in other people's heads. My husband is a traditional type of guy who would likely not admit to having any kind of lack of confidence about being a successful parent. There are good things about this but I have also had times in our marriage where I wondered if he was saying things just for my benefit and not telling everything. There is no right or wrong about these kinds of things (words). What matters is what he does. Talk is cheap. If we rely too much on feelings only, that can sometimes cause problems too. Does he have good character? Is he reliable? Do you trust him? These are the kinds of things I would evaluate....Congratulations on your pregnancy!

i likely wouldn't like that to happen but if i knew my partner already had anxiety issues i wouldn't be too surprised about the panic attack she has! i agree with the wise and wonderful TunedOut. It does seems like he is being honest and although the panic attack was unfortunate i don't think he was something he had a lot of control over. As long as he keeps working on it i think you may be able to trust him especially since 5 years of Marriage does seem enough to build some sort of bond. Did you two have any other major problems in your Marriage? In any case congratulations on your pregnancy and i wish you BOTH the best of Luck! Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Lostpossum, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, Ok?!

No, the panic doesn't mean anything except that he doubts his ability to be a dad (including $$$ support of a child) and he's scared shiteless. In my experience, most men panic at the word "pregnant" - and it passes. Guys are very visual. When they actually SEE and HOLD the baby they fall in love with it. The abstract concept of "baby" seems to confuse and terrify a lot of men. Don't get stuck worrying about it, just shine it on. And kudos to your dude for apologizing.

Honestly, looking at it from the outside I think it's a completely understandable reaction.

But if I were in the position of the girlfriend..... I can also understand feeling insecure over it. She might be just as freaked out over the unexpected pregnancy as you are and then your reaction would maybe fuel her worries.

Panic attacks is not something one can control. But I’d be concerned if my boyfriend still lived with parents (after being 5 years in a relationship? He must be an adult not a teen?), does not work (why doesn’t he work?) and we still do not formal commitment (why does he need that many years to commit?) and now he is panicking about pregnancy on top of it.

Honestly if a man is not ready to be a father he should refrain from intimacy because that’s how one becomes a father. Sure there is birth control but clearly it was either not used by you both or if used it failed. If he enjoys intimacy, he better be prepared for a consequence of it. It’s health education 101. Does he not know about birds and bees?

I just realized that you posted before. Relationship is over. Is she pregnant again or you are talking about what happened before? I recommend seeing a therapist to work on letting it go. I’d start working on how to have better success in future relationships. I don’t see how it’s helpful for you to keep looking into what she did wrong and analyzing her. It’s over and placing blame on her is not going to change anything. Going by your previous posts most women wouldn’t go on with the relationship in your situation (not just because of pregnancy situation). You better off moving on with a help of a therapist.

Whatever this was, it is over. There is no gain from picking apart what went wrong.

What you need to do is get a job, any job, and fill part of your day with work or some other activity. Move into your own place. If you can have a 5-year-long relationship you can do those things.

I wouldn't take it as a sign of not loving me. Even with a stable job, age 36---I'd 100% freak out and would still be freaking out non-stop. Because he emphasized he'll do whatever it takes to be a family to you and Baby, I'm thinking his panic could have sounded like, "How am I going to do this? Kids are exhausting--where will I find the energy? What if I don't raise him right? Are all my other interests and free-time cancelled?"

Meanwhile, someone who didn't love you would be thinking, "Oh, I'm not doing this! How can I get out of it? I am *not* cancelling my hobbies and sleep. I have a right to my life! It's her mistake, she's on her own!"

So, my thinking would be that he does love you and wants to be with you. Although I can also understand why a reasonable person in your situation would think, "Well darn. That is not the reaction I wanted. Does it mean he wants to leave?" Because right now, support is what you need the most! And so it's natural to keep an eye out for clues that support might fall away.

But I think he recovered well!

He panicked because he knew he'd be there for you the very moment you told him If he had known right away that he'd leave you, he'd not have panicked.