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Old 04-08-2021, 04:38 AM   #21
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Default Re: My friends are ignoring me for no apparent reason. What should I do?

How they're acting doesn't sit right with me either. I have always had a very hard time making friends no matter what, so I tend to hold on to friendships that aren't always good for me. Even though I'm introverted, I still don't want to end up alone with no friends. If I had more options, I would've ditched them a long time ago! Ugh!
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Old 04-08-2021, 09:29 AM   #22
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Default Re: My friends are ignoring me for no apparent reason. What should I do?

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Thanks. We did have a nice time together one on one which is super rare these days. The other woman who always dominates the convo was with her family that day. You're right about what you said. I believe in open communication to improve friendships. Why would you not recommend that?

I guess because I don't think it makes any difference in situations where someone doesn't respond to invites the way I wish they would. I'm thinking of my own experiences here, not your specific situation with these two women and I am also conflict averse in these kinds of situations, so much more likely to just move on than talk things out.


If someone can't be bothered to reply to an invite or if they say they are interested but never follow up, they are demonstrating how important our friendship is to them. Sometimes friendships go through low contact periods and that's fine, I don't mind. But if I start to notice that I'm the one doing all the invites or the one who always has to compromise or go out of my way, it gives me pause.


If the problem is that someone says they want to get together next week but then never gets back to me when I suggest a date, all they do if I bring up the situation is tell me what they think I want to hear. In reality, I think they *don't* want to see me but don't want to say it directly because it seems rude.
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Old 04-17-2021, 06:19 PM   #23
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Default Re: My friends are ignoring me for no apparent reason. What should I do?

I suspect that some of my friends also don't want to see me sometimes, but by saying no directly, it might be seen as being rude. Why are some people like that? What's wrong with saying sorry, I can't, I'll be busy, I'm to tired, etc...????
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Old 04-18-2021, 08:16 PM   #24
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Default Re: My friends are ignoring me for no apparent reason. What should I do?

I think in any relationship when one person claims they "didn't do anything wrong" shows an unwillingness to look inward at themselves. In all troubled relationships, we ALL play a role, somewhere, somehow. Take some of your feedback into consideration without feeling the need to defend yourself. Communication is hard for a lot of people. We're not all therapists and able to explain things in a way that will be well received so oftentimes, even our good friends don't know how to bring up sensitive topics.

So I guess my thoughts are, if they're truly judging you, they're not good friends. I didn't read all your posts so I don't know how direct they've been with their judgements and please try not to assume if they haven't done or said anything specifically.

Take a step back and look at what you're bringing to these friendships. Are you the "Debbie Downer" in the group? Are you unintentionally passing judgments/negativity towards them, via body language, because of how you feel? Are you authentically interested in their lives or are you always worried/anxious about what's going on in their minds?

I'm being blunt because I, too, am looking at my friendships and am being more aware on how much positivity I'm bringing to the table and am working on being more present and enjoyable (I'm working through a lot of stress).

It's about balance. It's ok to vent or say something negative when a need arises. But it's emotionally draining when a single person uses their friends as sounding boards... and I'm not at all suggesting you are.

I also think "group" hangouts is more about having FUN.. to keep things light.. and to destress a hectic week/month/scenario.

So, you likely are doing SOMETHING to contribute towards their distancing. See if there's something you can do for yourself.. however that may be.

It's a sucky place to be in. I'm sorry you're feeling down about these friends.. and I totally get where you're coming from.
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Old 09-11-2021, 04:32 PM   #25
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How they're acting doesn't sit right with me either. I have always had a very hard time making friends no matter what, so I tend to hold on to friendships that aren't always good for me. Even though I'm introverted, I still don't want to end up alone with no friends. If I had more options, I would've ditched them a long time ago! Ugh!
I've related to so much of what you said, esp. this post. I've been struggling whether it's better to have no friends than mediocre or "fair weather" friends. Esp. during these times when we need friends more than ever. Life is hard enough without COVID, but now it's dragged on and on.

I have one "friend" who won't reach out to me first due to her illness. I don't know about Lyme disease, but I don't see what it has to do with why she can't reach out at least once in awhile. All of 2020 I heard nothing from her, and it wasn't until I reached out that communication resumed. Still, one sided. She won't share her life with me or let me be supportive to HER. She WILL answer my questions about her life or herself, but it gets exhausting to keep doing this. I feel like I give more than I receive, not with just her but everyone.

If I had just 5 genuine friends, I'd drop her. But she's had a lot of experience moving, so I'm picking her brains on that. Yeah that's not nice but is it nice to insist that I be the one to initiate contact?

Your story about the two woman resonated with me. Back in July, J suggested and she, M, and I get together for lunch. (I use initials since it's easier than saying this woman and the other woman, LOL) After 2 cancellations from both of them, finally got together. J said it would be something to look forward to.

But I didn't enjoy it much. Not only could we not go inside this restaurant as hoped (it was the same week they reinstated masks indoors but didn't say if indoor dining was still allowed). We ended up going to a fast food place. And J was sitting next to me and across from M. Yet J acted like I wasn't even THERE. It could have been just the two of them; I wouldn't have been missing much.

J can never talk on the phone literally more than a minute. That's not a real conversation. I tried sending her a text but she doesn't respond. She gets these cheap phones from Rite Aid which don't work long or right. You can't leave a message or it won't even ring. Then she gets a new number every 2 months or so. I haven't talked to her since July during lunch, cause calling her it goes to vm.

These two women are more like close acquaintances than friends, as neither of them are people I think of when I need to talk to someone, confide in someone or need support. M always says stuff like "You should ______" or "Why don't you just _______?" That's not support.

I asked her can she recommend a tax advisor. I said I'll have to withdraw from my measly retirement early since I'm running out of money. She said "I guess you better if you're running out of money." NOT "OH! Can I help?"

She gave me the name of the person she uses, who didn't call me back.
M told the advisor's assistant, who finally gave me an answer. But I had to tell M first. I also tried calling the assistant again to see if she can recommend someone if they can't take on new clients. She didn't call me back.

And J is so bossy, telling me "Do ______" without even listening to me first.

Years ago I had a friend, V, that I met at work. For a few years things were great, then she disappeared so to speak. 5 years later out of the blue, she calls and acts like nothing happened. As if we talked just 2 months ago rather than years. I told her how I felt and for a few more years we were back on track. At one time we were both unemployed, but when she got a job I heard from her less and less.

She'd ignore my vm or email, finally saying she's "just been busy". I haven't spoken to her since, that was in 2014. I never said get lost; I decided she wasn't even worth that effort. I gave her that second chance and regret it, as I just got hurt again. If she was really my friend, she'd MAKE time. Or at least say it's been crazy and we'll catch up soon. And FOLLOW UP.

Since my experience with V, I've been less trusting of people. I'm trying to expect less to spare some disappointment. I've never missed V; good riddance. I did a HUGE favor for her, and in hindsight I'm sure she only "reconnected" cause she wanted something from me. I was there for her, then she drops me claiming she's "busy".

I've found it harder and harder to make friends as I've gotten older. It's an ongoing mission and very tiring.

J & M used to call me at beginning of COVID, as they both know I live alone, have no family, no neighbors who check on me, and no pets. Then, the calls tapered off and I had to call THEM to keep things going.

Another "friend", B, is someone I thought I connected with, but again the one sided crap. Back in July she called a mutual acquaintance, C, but never called ME. Last time B called, it was in April! (2021) I called her since, but not the other way around. Finally last week I called her to clear the air. I asked are we still friends and why did she call C but not me?? She gave me some kind of BS answer. I pretty much read her the Riot Act and she was contrite, yet I still doubt her. After all that she started calling daily or asking me what time to call.

I said we don't have to talk each week, but middle of the spectrum between daily and 5 months would be good. All that just to get a phone call from her.

What's interesting about all this to me is that I don't even MISS talking to J, M, or B. That's a red flag there, as if there was a connection, you miss it and feel it.

C has never shown interest in ME as a person even. Like what do I LIKE to eat? To read? What did I DO when I had a career? Just talks about herself. Then she keeps asking me, "Have you talked to B lately? How is she doing?"

Yet not asking me how I'M DOING and REALLY wanting to hear the honest answer, not the trite "Good" we do in our culture.

A couple of women volunteers give me a friendly call each week. They are with a non-profit that created a special COVID program to help seniors with isolation. And I enjoy talking to these women way more than my "friends". They are objective and supportive. I don't mind being a volunteer assignment.

If that's what it takes to get a freaking phone call, so be it.

Gosh I didn't realize how long this is, but it's been bottled up in me for so long. COVID maybe brought up their true colors? I know this pandemic has messed with everyone's heads, but why can't they just say they've been out of sorts or down in the dumps? Instead of just not calling or responding? It's hurtful and rude. I wouldn't do that to them.

A few years ago I went to a support group and reached out to 2 members I seemed to click with. But neither woman would call ME, I called them but stopped when realized they aren't as receptive as I thought they'd be.

In a grief group once, I did the same thing. It takes so much courage! I exchanged a few texts with both women, then they both stopped responding.

I called a lady I knew at the library a few times, but she never called me when I said, "Give me a call sometime."



I thought I'd check PC and see if it's just me. I'm glad it's not yet sorry it happens to you too.
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My friends are ignoring me for no apparent reason. What should I do?

Hmmm....looks like some good tips in here.


My friends are ignoring me for no apparent reason. What should I do?

"Okay, enough photos. I'm a very BUSY Business Kitty, so make an appointment next time."

Last edited by nonightowl; 09-11-2021 at 06:54 PM..
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Old 09-11-2021, 06:47 PM   #26
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Unhappy Re: My friends are ignoring me for no apparent reason. What should I do?

And after all that, I forgot to say how these "friends" know I struggle with rent and now have to go live with some stranger eventually, renting a ROOM.

Not one of them offered even the smallest gesture, like helping with food, rent, or something. I don't even have anyone to go with me to look at a place, whenever that happens. Going alone would not be safe, but if someone killed me at least I won't have to worry about rent or finding genuine friends.

B said their house is cluttered when I said I've got no family or friends to take me in. She then said "Unless you want to sleep on the kitchen floor." I said, "It's better than a tent." NO comment from her. What kind of "friend" doesn't care if I end up on the street? I wouldn't do that to HER.

In general, people don't reply to my voicemails, emails, or texts. I have to send a SECOND message. Christ, it takes 10 seconds to return a call but people won't do it! I hate leaving messages at places like doctor's offices because they don't call me back.

I've been trying to get a human to make an appointment with my eye doctor. I keep getting VM, so I had to leave a message with my number, med ID#, and name. The recording said someone would call me back in 1 business day. Well I never got a call...

The volunteer who is a "walking buddy" from the same place mentioned before didn't return my call after 2 days. I thought 2 days was more than reasonable to WAIT for a call. I then left a message that I left her a message 2 days ago and heard nothing back. I also said to please call, and if she changed her mind about walking, that's okay too but at least CALL and say so. I added if she's not comfortable talking to me, then call the office and I'll call them to find a replacement.

She calls back and says sorry I didn't call you. Right...

This all happens to me so much I'm not even shocked anymore. I've gotten to the point where I expect it. My only consolation is this thread. Until I saw this, I felt it was just me and something about me!

I think I'm a good person, and I've got warmth and empathy. Yet I can't find same in "friends".

NOW it's out of my system....for now.
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My friends are ignoring me for no apparent reason. What should I do?

Hmmm....looks like some good tips in here.


My friends are ignoring me for no apparent reason. What should I do?

"Okay, enough photos. I'm a very BUSY Business Kitty, so make an appointment next time."
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Old 10-10-2021, 09:04 AM   #27
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Default Re: My friends are ignoring me for no apparent reason. What should I do?

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Hi everyone. Some of my friends are ignoring me for no apparent reason. Last week I asked two of them in a group chat if they'd like to go out. Only one replied and said the place I chose was nice. The other one ignored me. Today I invited them both out again and the other lady replied to me this time and said yes but she couldn't talk now and she wasn't interested in the place I mentioned last week.

She said she'd get back to me tonight and I still haven't heard from her and it's almost 8 now. I feel like she's blowing me off. Should I say anything to these friends? If so, how should I state things so that I don't come across and being needy, desperate, or anything negative like that?

Why couldn't she have told me that last week? Weird! I saw them last month in n person and things seemed fine but one of them was a lot more interested in talking to the other lady than me. I was hurt.

That usually happens to be the case and they both never ever want to hang out with me one on one unless no one else is available to go out with. I was told by someone I used to know that it's a lot easier to ignore certain people who are "negative' in groups. They never invite me to hang out with them one on one aside from one time for my birthday last year. When I tired to invite them out one on one, they asked if the other women could come too.

I didn't do anything wrong, but maybe they both didn't want to hear me talk about this former friend again. I kept things brief. I asked them for advice on my marriage and they gave it to me. Maybe they don't care about my problems and are avoiding me because I'm not always fun to be around? They complain about things too like work and one of them complains about her husband as well.

We've known each other for 3-4 years. One lady used to send us lots of jokes in the group chat and even though I asked for more jokes, she didn't send any. It's weird. Another lady in our group moved away and I asked her if it's typical or not to not hear back from one of them. She said no.

Last time I saw them one of them asked me if I found a job which was odd since I did tell them I'm planning to apply for disability. I wonder if they look down on me now and see me as being lazy. They both work f/t. They're aware that I have depression and anxiety issues.

As for the friend I called, I told her not to say anything, but now that was probably a mistake and who knows if she might or not even though it's not likely.

Why do you think that they're ignoring me? Are they maybe doing a slow fade to not hurt my feelings?
I'm sorry you're going through this. I know what it's like to have friends suddenly start to distance themselves from you. It's worse when they suddenly go cold turkey immediately without reason or warning. If you were too negative all the time then that could be part of the reason but still no excuse for them to treat you that way. They could easily politely ask you to not be as negative if that bothers them and they are clearly complaining as well so they're being hypocrites.

It honestly sounds like they don't see you as a close friend especially since you mentioned one of them always seems more interested in the other friend than you. It sounds like it could also be an unfortunate case where they may just simply not feel as close to you as you thought they did or as close as you feel towards them. It hurts, it really does and I've had this happen to me many many times. It's happened so many times that I actually expect people to do this to me and don't really get close to others now.

I don't think you did anything particularly wrong. If they complain then they shouldn't be getting annoyed with you complaining as long as it's not done constantly 24/7 since that can be draining. Although if they are doing that, then perhaps you could tell them that they complain too so you didn't see a problem in sharing how you are feeling. The fact that they know you are depressed and anxious makes their behavior even more rude since they know how much that would affect you. It would be better if they were honest rather than giving you the silent treatment.

If they claim they're too busy, that's their way of just trying to avoid hanging out and talking to you. Yes everyone is busy, but in the age of technology at your fingertips, there's absolutely no excuse why they can't send a brief message. People even use their phones at work during breaks or brief moments of downtime. No one is busy 24/7 so they should be able to text or call you back. It sounds like they are making the conscious choice to slowly end the friendship. I hope you are able to make new friends and I know that can be hard. I'm always here if you want to talk or message me.
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Old 10-10-2021, 02:22 PM   #28
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Default Re: My friends are ignoring me for no apparent reason. What should I do?

Jesyka, I can related to how you are feeling.

Friendship dynamics do change, especially when people are obsessed with wealth, looks, etc. Maybe it's jealousy, which can be hard to accept. Perhaps they are embarrassed by your situation and want to distance themselves. Genuine friends will stay and offer help/advice.

Then there's the type who only befriends you as another outlet for their unhealthy obsession with themselves. You won't have any opportunity to share anything about yourself but you will have to listen!

Until you get to know people, be very careful what you say to them. Those who genuinely listen when they ask how you are, they're the ones who will make good friends. Unfortunately, there are very few around these days!
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Old 10-11-2021, 06:27 PM   #29
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Default Re: My friends are ignoring me for no apparent reason. What should I do?

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Originally Posted by jesyka View Post
Hi everyone. Some of my friends are ignoring me for no apparent reason. Last week I asked two of them in a group chat if they'd like to go out. Only one replied and said the place I chose was nice. The other one ignored me. Today I invited them both out again and the other lady replied to me this time and said yes but she couldn't talk now and she wasn't interested in the place I mentioned last week.

She said she'd get back to me tonight and I still haven't heard from her and it's almost 8 now. I feel like she's blowing me off. Should I say anything to these friends? If so, how should I state things so that I don't come across and being needy, desperate, or anything negative like that?

Why couldn't she have told me that last week? Weird! I saw them last month in n person and things seemed fine but one of them was a lot more interested in talking to the other lady than me. I was hurt.

That usually happens to be the case and they both never ever want to hang out with me one on one unless no one else is available to go out with. I was told by someone I used to know that it's a lot easier to ignore certain people who are "negative' in groups. They never invite me to hang out with them one on one aside from one time for my birthday last year. When I tired to invite them out one on one, they asked if the other women could come too.

I didn't do anything wrong, but maybe they both didn't want to hear me talk about this former friend again. I kept things brief. I asked them for advice on my marriage and they gave it to me. Maybe they don't care about my problems and are avoiding me because I'm not always fun to be around? They complain about things too like work and one of them complains about her husband as well.

We've known each other for 3-4 years. One lady used to send us lots of jokes in the group chat and even though I asked for more jokes, she didn't send any. It's weird. Another lady in our group moved away and I asked her if it's typical or not to not hear back from one of them. She said no.

Last time I saw them one of them asked me if I found a job which was odd since I did tell them I'm planning to apply for disability. I wonder if they look down on me now and see me as being lazy. They both work f/t. They're aware that I have depression and anxiety issues.

As for the friend I called, I told her not to say anything, but now that was probably a mistake and who knows if she might or not even though it's not likely.

Why do you think that they're ignoring me? Are they maybe doing a slow fade to not hurt my feelings?
Iím sorry that this has happened to you. You didnít deserve to be treated this way. It sound like they are the problem and not you. Can you find another hobby that might help you meet someone?
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Old 10-11-2021, 06:52 PM   #30
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Default Re: My friends are ignoring me for no apparent reason. What should I do?

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I suspect that some of my friends also don't want to see me sometimes, but by saying no directly, it might be seen as being rude. Why are some people like that? What's wrong with saying sorry, I can't, I'll be busy, I'm to tired, etc...????
I'll tell you why. We are conditioned to avoid conflict by repressing our real feelings, in order to avoid making the other person unhappy with our true feelings.

It's a terminal condition -- no matter how many coaches or self-help gurus out there advise to be vulnerable (Brene Brown). People at the end of the day, when given the choice will avoid a) tell the other person the truth b) lie to save face (to protect themselves from being judged by the person they are rejecting, to avoid feeling guilty for having boundaries).

It's a boundaries game. Boundaries are necessary. But...boundaries aren't always used correctly, or developed well.

Also, it's about communication style. Example: I am a literal communicator. Someone who is an abstract communicator will be driven crazy by my style of communication b/c unlike the abstract person who speaks in metaphors and analogies and euphemisms, I speak in facts and I speak straightforwardly.

So, when I tell an abstract communicator/thinker "I don't like it when you do x,y,z" my brain thinks, "I'm telling them facts so that they will respect me." Whereas the abstract communicator/thinker hears, "I hate you. You are a terrible person" and their brain thinks "Motts is dramatic and hysterical and I want nothing to do with someone who is outspoken and direct."

Does that make sense?

These young women you chase after do not want a genuine friendship with you. They've both shown you this with their actions and told you this. Yet, you continue to chase them.

Once you see value in yourself, you will learn to stop chasing after people who don't see your value (instrinsic value, not the kind of value where you serve a purpose for them like, they need a 4th person so they just call you for example).

It's hard to extract yourself from fair weather friends. But at some point, you need to stop this pattern. It's like you choose to chase after people whom you know will reject you, b/c you already reject yourself. So, it seems like you are seeking out negative validation from others to reinforce your own negative invalidation of yourself. Does that make sense?

Until you accept yourself for who you are and see your own value, you will continue to be stuck in this cycle of chasing after people who don't like you.
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Old 10-13-2021, 12:12 PM   #31
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Unhappy Re: My friends are ignoring me for no apparent reason. What should I do?

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Originally Posted by rdgrad15 View Post
It sounds like it could also be an unfortunate case where they may just simply not feel as close to you as you thought they did or as close as you feel towards them. It hurts, it really does and I've had this happen to me many many times. It's happened so many times that I actually expect people to do this to me and don't really get close to others now.

If they claim they're too busy, that's their way of just trying to avoid hanging out and talking to you. Yes everyone is busy, but in the age of technology at your fingertips, there's absolutely no excuse why they can't send a brief message. People even use their phones at work during breaks or brief moments of downtime. No one is busy 24/7 so they should be able to text or call you back. It sounds like they are making the conscious choice to slowly end the friendship. I hope you are able to make new friends and I know that can be hard. I'm always here if you want to talk or message me.
Thanks for this. Now I feel less alone. It's happened to me many, many times too so like you I expect people to do it at some point.

You're right that nobody is tied up 24/7 literally. They can take a few minutes to send a quick text or make a call, but they don't.
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My friends are ignoring me for no apparent reason. What should I do?

Hmmm....looks like some good tips in here.


My friends are ignoring me for no apparent reason. What should I do?

"Okay, enough photos. I'm a very BUSY Business Kitty, so make an appointment next time."
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Old 10-13-2021, 12:53 PM   #32
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Unhappy Re: My friends are ignoring me for no apparent reason. What should I do?

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Jesyka, I can related to how you are feeling.

Friendship dynamics do change, especially when people are obsessed with wealth, looks, etc. Maybe it's jealousy, which can be hard to accept. Perhaps they are embarrassed by your situation and want to distance themselves. Genuine friends will stay and offer help/advice.

That reminds me of that old saying: Real friends stick by you through thick and thin. I agree! Through good and bad times, not just the good.
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My friends are ignoring me for no apparent reason. What should I do?

Hmmm....looks like some good tips in here.


My friends are ignoring me for no apparent reason. What should I do?

"Okay, enough photos. I'm a very BUSY Business Kitty, so make an appointment next time."
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Old 10-13-2021, 03:10 PM   #33
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Default Re: My friends are ignoring me for no apparent reason. What should I do?

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Originally Posted by nonightowl View Post
Thanks for this. Now I feel less alone. It's happened to me many, many times too so like you I expect people to do it at some point.

You're right that nobody is tied up 24/7 literally. They can take a few minutes to send a quick text or make a call, but they don't.
You came to the right place and yeah everyone has some free time to spare, even at work. Theyíre just making excuses to not talk, they just donít want to be rude and hope you get the hint even though ignoring someone is still rude. Unfortunately people are very quick to drop others at the drop of a hat, especially if they find out they like someone else more. When that happens, itís a sign they didnít see you as a friend in the first place.
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