My friends are ignoring me for no apparent reason. What should I do?

Hi everyone. Some of my friends are ignoring me for no apparent reason. Last week I asked two of them in a group chat if they'd like to go out. Only one replied and said the place I chose was nice. The other one ignored me. Today I invited them both out again and the other lady replied to me this time and said yes but she couldn't talk now and she wasn't interested in the place I mentioned last week.

She said she'd get back to me tonight and I still haven't heard from her and it's almost 8 now. I feel like she's blowing me off. Should I say anything to these friends? If so, how should I state things so that I don't come across and being needy, desperate, or anything negative like that?

Why couldn't she have told me that last week? Weird! I saw them last month in n person and things seemed fine but one of them was a lot more interested in talking to the other lady than me. I was hurt.

That usually happens to be the case and they both never ever want to hang out with me one on one unless no one else is available to go out with. I was told by someone I used to know that it's a lot easier to ignore certain people who are "negative' in groups. They never invite me to hang out with them one on one aside from one time for my birthday last year. When I tired to invite them out one on one, they asked if the other women could come too.

I didn't do anything wrong, but maybe they both didn't want to hear me talk about this former friend again. I kept things brief. I asked them for advice on my marriage and they gave it to me. Maybe they don't care about my problems and are avoiding me because I'm not always fun to be around? They complain about things too like work and one of them complains about her husband as well.

We've known each other for 3-4 years. One lady used to send us lots of jokes in the group chat and even though I asked for more jokes, she didn't send any. It's weird. Another lady in our group moved away and I asked her if it's typical or not to not hear back from one of them. She said no.

Last time I saw them one of them asked me if I found a job which was odd since I did tell them I'm planning to apply for disability. I wonder if they look down on me now and see me as being lazy. They both work f/t. They're aware that I have depression and anxiety issues.

As for the friend I called, I told her not to say anything, but now that was probably a mistake and who knows if she might or not even though it's not likely.

Why do you think that they're ignoring me? Are they maybe doing a slow fade to not hurt my feelings?

Can’t tell you why they’re ignoring you, but it sounds like they’re not being very good friends to you. I’ve had similar problems with friends in the past - I gave up on them because it hurt less not having friends than being treated this way. I get it if you don’t want to do that, though.
Asking them directly what’s going on and explaining how it makes you feel might be a better approach here; you’d at least see where you stand, even if they couldn’t be totally honest with you.
I’m sorry you’re experiencing this, too.

I don't think you can ever really know why someone doesn't return a call or follow up on an invite. It's especially frustrating when someone agrees to go out and then just never gets back to you or responds when you try to pick a specific time. I used to get really bothered by these situations and wonder what I had done, but as I get older, I take it less personally. People are busy and have a limited amount of time to spend with friends. If someone says they want to get together but then never does, I am more likely to just move on at this point and make plans with someone who wants to see me.


In my own experience, friendship groups sometimes fall apart when one person moves. The group dynamic changes. The last time that happened to me, I stayed friends with the two women who were still in town but we saw each other separately and rarely did group things. Eventually both of them moved also!

i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters. i am not sure what the reason may be, but i think open communication may be the best route to go if you're feeling disappointed with some of your Friends' behavior. So Sorry you have to go through this. Please do not give up. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @jesyka, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

No, they're not being good friends. I'm starting to get a bad feeling about them both. I've had those feelings with one of them for a long time due to other things that I mentioned on here like feeling judged for being overweight. Anyways, one friend who doesn't know them told me last night that I'm to "needy' and that if I say anything to those other friends, that I'll just end up pushing them away.

She also said that I'm 'entitled' and that I get upset when I don't get my own way. I disagree as all I want is to be respected and being ignored is rude. They could easily say no if they didn't want to go out. This happened twice already, so it's not just one of those times of where they forgot to respond probably.

I don't think that I'm 'needy' for wanting a direct answer and that I don't like being ignored. No one does. She is a very independent person who seems to have lots of friends, so she doesn't get that. I've noticed a patter with independent types, they're distant and they're used to moving on easily.

I'm not like that. I'm a good friend and I wouldn't this to other people, so it upsets me when I get treated unfairly. I think that I will have a talk with them soon as if I don't, this b.s rudeness will continue. I'll be direct but polite about things. I'll used I feel statements.

It's to bad that my student therapist is now on Spring Break. She'd tell me that this is invalidating and frustrating like she normally does. She doesn't see me as being needy thankfully.

I understand that people get busy, but that's no excuse for being rude. A simple one minute no, I can't this time is not to much to ask for. It makes me feel like I'm not even worthy one minute of their time. I wouldn't be so rude as to ignore friend. I'd feel flattered that they'd want to go out with me and not blow them off like they're a pest.

I have a bad feeling that they might be doing the slow fade on me. As for the dynamics of the group, I'm almost positive that if I mention getting together with that other woman they both like a lot for her upcoming birthday that they'd be happy to get together then although she lives far away from us and she'd rather not drive down here to see us.

IF they still blow me off the, then that's a major red flag. This other friend I talked to last night told me that I was to 'needy' and that I'd push them away if I brought this up. I would do it politely of course. I disagree with her. She also called me 'entitled' and that I expect to get my way all the time, ugh, wth?

I disagree with her as there's nothing wrong with wanting to be treated with respect and courtesy. I'm sure that they'd be upset If I did that to them. If I don't speak up, they'll just think that they can continue to treat me like this which is not OK with me. I'll be firm but polite about things when the time comes. I plan to do things privately with them each.

You're right, open communication is the best option as they'll keep thinking I'm OK with being disrespected if I don't say anything about this. I can't believe that another friend who doesn't know them thought that I'm being 'needy', and that I'm 'entitled', and that I get to easily upset when things don't go my way.

She told me to not say anything otherwise I'd end up pushing them away. If they're going to get offended by my honesty, then they're no the right friends for me. I'll be polite but firm. Thanks for your kind words. I'll talk to them each using I statements soon privately with each of them.

It is very hurtful to be treated as you are being treated. Regardless of what negative characterustics you might have (being needy, etc.), let's look at these two women for a moment. Nice persons don't agree to do something and then bow out with not even telling you. Nice persons don't use you just to have you as a bridge to get together with someone else. I don't know these two ladies. I can't say they aren't worth keeping as friends. What I would say is that neither of them is going to be a great, true friend to you. You sound more sincere in your willingness to invest in friendship with them than they are to invest in friendship with you. If they were sincere women, they wouldn't string you along just to have a connection with you for when it suits them. What I'm saying is that you may have to reclassify them as "acquaintances," rather than "friends." I suspect they regard you more as an acquaintance than as a friend. That may be hurtful to face, but it's better than constantly hoping for something that isn't there and isn't going to be there. There's nothing wrong with having acquaintances in your life. Not every relationship can involve a deeper bond and commitment. So you don't have to blow them off completely, if you'ld rather not. But you might want to scale down the extent to which you are "invested" in them. Confide less in them. Being slower to share your troubles with them and slower to look for comfort from them. Those are ways you share with a close friend, which neither of them is.

Talking with one, or both of them individually, might be a learning experience for you, but it's unlikely to change their behavior. They sound like not very caring women. If that's who they are, then what you see is what you get.

Keep trying to connect with people from all walks of your life. I hope you encounter someone with whom you could have a more satisfying friendship. Meanwhile, occasionally meeting up with these two can be a way of just practicing social skills. What you hope to get out of a friendship is reasonable and worth seeking. Not everyone you meet is available for that with you. It's disappointing, but keep circulating and cultivating others.

You're probably right about what you said. You verbalized my feelings very well. I'm sorry that I ever introduced them to each other. They started treating me differently after they met each other. I feel like they only tolerate me now most of the time because of the other women in the group. Maybe this one woman in the group made plans with the other women or vice versa and left me out on purpose. Who knows?

One of the women who didn't respond to me the second time seems to like the other two women in the group more than she likes me. She tends to barely acknowledge me in the group. I've only been invited out to hang out with her one on one on my birthday last year.

When I try to make plans to hang out one on one, they all ask if so and so from the group can come too. Ugh! I guess that they are using me for a connection to the other women in the group. It feels like they're just tolerating me at times since they think the other women like me enough to want to hang out with me too.

The nicest lady in the group moved away. Things seemed to be better before she moved away. I was told to not say anything at all and to just wait to see what happens.

Should I say anything to these women or not? I was thinking of saying, is everything OK? I thought that you were going to get back to me, did you forget to text me back? And this also, can you please give me a yes or no answer in a day or so next time. If you say no, that's fine. That way I can invite another friend out instead of having to wait for a long time for a reply.

How does that sound? Good or could it use improvement? Also, when people don't respond to invites, is that an indirect no? I heard that some people don't like saying no directly.

I do have a few good friends. My best friend told me these women are not my friends either and that actions speak louder than words. She used to have crappy friends like this too who she's no longer friends with. She thinks I'm not needy either which is good.

I wholeheartedly agree with Rose76.


These "friends" are anything but. If they wanted to spend time with you they would make the time to do so.


I have lost a few friends over the years, some due to getting divorced years ago and some due to moving away from home. I come back to see the ones that amicably stay in touch. If it's one-sided, I back off.


If you feel must confront, be ready for a bit of pain. I have done this before myself and it hurt. I didn't agree with her either, but I accepted the demise of the friendship and moved on.


Stay to true to yourself, and to heck with them. Don't hang on to people who don't try, because you could spending quality time with someone who does.

New update:

At least one friend finally did reply to me after I was about to send her a text asking her if everything is OK and if she forgot to respond to me. She kind of did. She had some drinks and was talking to coworkers about her evil boss.

The other one just said that place I choose the second time sounds good, but she didn't agree to go. She didn't say yes or not. It seemed like she wasn't sure or by not giving a yes or no, that was an indirect no.

Weird as she usually said yes or no in the past. My other friend asked if tomorrow is good and I said yeah, so I'll be seeing her tomorrow.

Jesyka - The desire you have to "talk it out" with these two is understandable. I think you may need to attempt that, regardless of whether it would accomplish much. Yes, some people dislike saying "no" to an invitation and will just say nothing as an indirect way of conveying their "no." What you propose saying to them, individually, sounds fine to me. I think it could be a learning experience for you. They'll probably just get defensive and say you're misinterpreting things. I don't think you're misunderstanding anything, but that's what they'll likely say. Still, such a conversation might change the dynamics between you and them - a little. Mainly, it might crack apart some of the phoniness in these relationships. At least they'll know you aren't buying their B.S. I would caution you to not be either attacking or whining in what you say. (Your ideas above are fine.) What you say is nit going to make either of them feel bad IMHO. That's because I don't think they care a whole heck of a lot about how their behavior has impacted you. If anything, they may use such an encounter to give you negative feedback about you, such as you unfairly judging them. That'll be B.S., but it might be instructive for you to see their responses. Some of the haze in how you view them might clear up.

I'm so glad you do have other friendships that are more satisfying. I'm glad others could give you feedback about this matter. Ultimately, I think you have to just greatly scale back your expectations of what you are going to get out of involvement with these two. If I find myself calling someone more than they call me, I back off on my calls. I look for "reciprocity." When it's not there, I withdraw until the contact is more balanced. I'm not everyone's cup of tea, and I'm okay with that. When I've expressed hurt and anger at someone for giving me less of themselves than I had hoped for and felt I had a right to expect, I've pretty much always regretted doing so.

I was getting annual Christmas cards from an old friend, who urged in every card that I visit her on my next trip to her part of the country. I guess what she had in mind was our meeting at a restaurant for lunch. We live in opposite corners of the country - 2000 miles apart. One year when I was expecting to be visiting a family connection about 90 miles from her, I wrote to her. I suggested that I come out at stay a night with her. (We had a history of sharing an apartment years ago, so I felt it was okay to suggest that.) She never responded. I was hurt. I took it that she did not want to me as a guest in her home. I'm still confused as to why she kept up the annual pleading with me to get together with her. Meeting up with someone on the other side of the country can be a challenge to arrange. I guess I'm supposed to rent a car and drive 2 hours to meet her for lunch and then drive 2 hours back to where I would be staying with my family. It seems she'ld be up for that and eager for that. She kept updating me on her current cell phone number and pleading about when was I going to come see her. But it seems she did not want to be put out by more than a few hours visiting with me.

I'm still confused. She is a very decent person. We still exchange Xmas cards. She even phoned me a few times since to talk at length with me. Neither of us mentioned me visiting her home. I feel like she set a boundary that she would do lunch with me, but not have me as her houseguest. That would be very burdensome for me to arrange . . . so I won't arrange it.

I'm kind of pleased that she stays in touch, but I'm wondering why she does? I believe I will never really understand this. I accept that I won't. I have too much pride to go probing the matter with her. She was a good friend to me when we were both young and single. We drifted apart over many years. I kind of think she calls once every 5 years or so, just out of idle curiosity as to how my life turned out. The phone calls are warm, but I still do not feel she would want me showing up on her doorstep. I'm embarrassed that I suggested that to her back when I did some years ago.

So I think I know about the hurt you feel. Some things we never get to fully understand. A part of me still has trouble moving on from the connection I had with her.

Well, Jesyka, your last post came after I posted above. So you got some feedback, but it was not very satisfying. That's probably a sign of how things will remain.

Wow Rose76, that friend who did not even respond after asking to get together for years! I stopped talking to a friend under similar circumstances. We'd known each other for twenty years and had made plans to meet up that fell through. She was finally coming to an area where we could have each had a four hour drive to meet half way. She was visiting family she didn't even like and we both enjoyed long drives. It came as a huge shock when she suggested I drive 8 hours to meet her for lunch.


I think 'we should get together' is kind of like 'how are you doing,' something people say but don't mean literally.


Jesyka, I hope you have a good meet up with your friend today! Btw, I don't think you are needy or entitled for wanting a polite answer to your invite. Unfortunately, other people feel like the indirect no is more polite. I would personally lean towards not confronting and just moving on to other friendships, but there are good reasons for each approach.

So you see, Jesyka, you have company in what you are experiencing. Hvert and I know the bewilderment and pain of disappointed expectations. As hvert says, you have choices in how to handle it, and there is no one right, or best, choice. You could flip a coin to decide - confront or withdraw. I agree with her that an argument can be made for either. In my case, pride usually stops me from complaining to anyone. I don't want to beg for anyone's company. Probably it's best to be forthright in an assertive way - a middle approach. No hostility or whining. Just holding others to an account. If you can do that gracefully, it may be the way to go.

Bottom line: Friendships that are real and lasting aren't full of this kind of drama.

It doesn't sound like they are interested in any kind of deep friendship, and you seem to want what they aren't interested in giving.

I'd just right it off as these people, upon further review, are not going to be people I'm that interested in spending much time with (which may have been why they are backing away - they've already decided that for themselves.) It isn't really a comment on any of us individually; sometimes we just don't mesh the way we thought we would. It happens.

I think that's a very reasonable thing to say. If I were your friend I would appreciate your being direct.

I guess we do all have different expectations of friendships but how these women are behaving wouldn't really sit right with me.

It all depends on how you feel about them though. Are they people you spend enjoyable time with (maybe akin to acquaintances) or do you have a deeper bond? For acquaintances I would just shrug it off/walk away, for closer bonds I'd try to work it out.

Sorry for the slow response. I've been more depressed lately, so I'm taking longer to do everything these days. Anyways, you're right about what you said. I'm sure they'd B.S me and make it sound like I'm being "unreasonable' and expecting to much from them. I deserve to be treated with respect. I think that their indirect no is annoying.

One of them DID respond back to my second invite finally. We did meet up and she did claim that the last place I suggested didn't interest her, but then why didn't she say that before? Weird!

It doesn't seem like I matter that much to them even though we have a special name for our group, I do not really feel like I'm part of the group usually. I never said that though. Sometimes I suspect I'm just being tolerated.

Sorry to hear about your friend. I would've talked to her about things. I still didn't say anything to my friends. I'm afraid that if I 'complain' that they'll never want to talk to me again. Ugh!

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Thanks. We did have a nice time together one on one which is super rare these days. The other woman who always dominates the convo was with her family that day. You're right about what you said. I believe in open communication to improve friendships. Why would you not recommend that?

You're probably right about what you said. I think that they mostly tolerate me since I introduced them all to each other. Two of the other women in the group already knew each other. I really regret that now as they never want to hang out with me one one one anymore.

It seems like they don't have as much in common with me as they do with each other. I think that they're fine with having a more casual friendship. I used to be a little closer to them before, but now we just text and once in awhile go out to eat. They're just people I hang out with now once in awhile at their convenience of course.