I don't know what to do with my marriage

Have Hope · Apr 07, 2021 at 11:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RoxanneToto

I’m 38 and I don’t want to join the dating scene either, cos it sounds utterly awful now, so no criticism from me on that point.
While I admittedly have reservations about your husband, you are trying again with open eyes and are prepared to put yourself first if things don’t turn out as they should. Not everyone who decides to reconcile is able or willing to do that, so kudos to you, and good luck.

@RoxanneToto, thanks so much.... and I have reservations about my husband too, trust me. They're there and they are all valid. I am prepared for sure to walk away if I must. I am also prepared to dial down on some of my own idealistic thinking... I am very idealistic, and that perfect man just does not exist. Nor does the perfect relationship. That being said, I know where the lines are drawn and I will never put up with any abuse ever again. He needs to prove to me that he won't venture in that direction.

RoxanneToto · Apr 07, 2021 at 11:22 AM

Well, let’s hope he’s being genuine about wanting to change and put the necessary work in

Apr 07, 2021 at 12:03 PM

Sorry for the off-topic question, but could you say a little bit more about reasons standing behind your opinions of the dating scene? Why is it so bad?

Have Hope · Apr 07, 2021 at 12:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MisterPaul

Sorry for the off-topic question, but could you say a little bit more about reasons standing behind your opinions of the dating scene? Why is it so bad?

Nothing wrong with the dating scene when you're younger. But at my age? Forget it. Men my age typically want younger women in their thirties. Then younger men want children and only seek a thrill with an older woman. Then on the flip side, most men are married or divorced with kids. I don't want to deal with kids. Slim pickings!!!!!

divine1966 · Apr 07, 2021 at 12:57 PM

Nothing wrong with giving it a chance. Good idea with couples therapy. Then you can always feel you tried it all.,

Have Hope · Apr 07, 2021 at 02:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

Nothing wrong with giving it a chance. Good idea with couples therapy. Then you can always feel you tried it all.,

Well, he was headstrong and I softened up as time went on. And I leaned on him and needed his support. Still do. I do feel therapy is worthwhile.

Apr 07, 2021 at 03:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Men my age typically want younger women in their thirties. Then younger men want children and only seek a thrill with an older woman. Then on the flip side, most men are married or divorced with kids. I don't want to deal with kids. Slim pickings!!!!!

Christ...

Have Hope · Apr 07, 2021 at 03:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MisterPaul

Christ...

I want to laugh at your response.. I wish there were an LOL button on here.

Apr 07, 2021 at 03:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

I want to laugh at your response.. I wish there were an LOL button on here.

It's not the first time

Have Hope · Apr 07, 2021 at 03:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MisterPaul

It's not the first time

Have Hope · Apr 08, 2021 at 05:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RoxanneToto

Well, let’s hope he’s being genuine about wanting to change and put the necessary work in

That's my worry and concern.. that he won't want to do the actual work. Moving back in with him is not something I am even willing to consider.... and not for a very long time. He needs therapy and long-term before I would ever consider it. Maybe 5-6 months from now. Perhaps.

AzulOscuro · Apr 08, 2021 at 12:59 PM

To be honest, I would file for divorce and then, see what happens.

Have Hope · Apr 08, 2021 at 01:15 PM

Um... no. Why on earth would I do that when we’re already together and we’re going into counseling? That kind of advice does not apply here.

AzulOscuro · Apr 08, 2021 at 01:23 PM

I tell you my opinion. What I would do? My opinion is so valid as anybody else’s. It’s up to you to take it or not.

I mean, you are not gonna tell me what to reply to a thread in a public board. You exposed a problem and I feel free to give my insight.

Anyway, I already took that you don’t want to hear my insight. It’s fine.

Have Hope · 02:52 PM

This is my thread and I have every right to shoot down your opinion and advice when it’s not even remotely applicable or helpful to me.

Have Hope · Apr 09, 2021 at 06:26 AM

Guess I was in a mood yesterday.

I had a very candid conversation with him last night. I told him I don't know if I can ever trust him again. A very real reality. I am curious to see how therapy goes.

eskielover · Apr 09, 2021 at 06:41 AM

How do you think therapy might change your trust issue? Trust & change takes time to prove.

When I left my now EX 14 years ago, I told him even from 2100 miles away I would KNOW if he changed. He never did & now I finally have a good lawyer to wrap up the mess he made in my life over those 14 years before I could get my divorce. Pathetic people never change any more than leapords change their spots. Giving them time only gives them more time to mess up your life & keep the drama going.

Yes we all make our own decisions for our life & then we deal with the consequences of OUR choices.

Have Hope · Apr 09, 2021 at 06:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eskielover

How do you think therapy might change your trust issue? Trust & change takes time to prove.

When I left my now EX 14 years ago, I told him even from 2100 miles away I would KNOW if he changed. He never did & now I finally have a good lawyer to wrap up the mess he made in my life over those 14 years before I could get my divorce. Pathetic people never change any more than leapords change their spots. Giving them time only gives them more time to mess up your life & keep the drama going.

Yes we all make our own decisions for our life & then we deal with the consequences of OUR choices.

I know what you're saying. I need his actions to always back up his words, and I've told him this. I don't know yet how therapy will help - it may not, so we'll have to see. It's possible that I may decide I cannot trust him, regardless of what happens in therapy. He does have to prove himself, over time. Right now, I don't know how things will unfold. I feel too weakened by life to walk away.

eskielover · Apr 09, 2021 at 07:17 AM

Quote:

Right now, I don't know how things will unfold. I feel too weakened by life to walk away.

Just make sure this doesn't add to your weakened state. Sometimes walking away gives strength.

Have Hope · Apr 09, 2021 at 07:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eskielover

Just make sure this doesn't add to your weakened state. Sometimes walking away gives strength.

Agreed. The last thing I need right now is more stress or trauma. That's what landed me in the hospital recently. I am very much all about taking care of myself right now, and about taking care of my needs first. I cannot go back to the hospital and never want to experience that ever again.

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RoxanneToto Grand Poohbah Member Since Aug 2020 Location: England Posts: 1,692 3 6,991 hugs given	Apr 07, 2021 at 11:22 AM #42 Well, let’s hope he’s being genuine about wanting to change and put the necessary work in
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Anonymous42048 Guest Posts: n/a	Apr 07, 2021 at 12:03 PM #43 Sorry for the off-topic question, but could you say a little bit more about reasons standing behind your opinions of the dating scene? Why is it so bad?
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divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,369 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	Apr 07, 2021 at 12:57 PM #45 Nothing wrong with giving it a chance. Good idea with couples therapy. Then you can always feel you tried it all.,
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AzulOscuro Grand Magnate Member Since Nov 2014 Location: Spain ( the land of flowers and gladness, lol!) Posts: 3,825 9 1,758 hugs given	Apr 08, 2021 at 12:59 PM #52 To be honest, I would file for divorce and then, see what happens. __________________ Social Anxiety and Depression. Cluster C traits. Trying to improve my English. My apologies for errors and mistakes in advance. Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON)
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Have Hope Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2017 Location: Eastern, USA Posts: 9,089 (SuperPoster!) 6 3,627 hugs given	Apr 08, 2021 at 01:15 PM #53 Um... no. Why on earth would I do that when we’re already together and we’re going into counseling? That kind of advice does not apply here. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes
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Have Hope Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2017 Location: Eastern, USA Posts: 9,089 (SuperPoster!) 6 3,627 hugs given	Apr 08, 2021 at 01:35 PM #55 This is my thread and I have every right to shoot down your opinion and advice when it’s not even remotely applicable or helpful to me. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes Last edited by Have Hope; Apr 08, 2021 at 02:52 PM..
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Have Hope Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2017 Location: Eastern, USA Posts: 9,089 (SuperPoster!) 6 3,627 hugs given	Apr 09, 2021 at 06:26 AM #56 Guess I was in a mood yesterday. I had a very candid conversation with him last night. I told him I don't know if I can ever trust him again. A very real reality. I am curious to see how therapy goes. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes
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