I don't know what to do with my marriage

My husband asked if I will divulge to our couples therapist my recent spiritual problems. I told him how is that relevant to what happened in our relationship during the last 3 years? My spiritual issues were never a problem before..... not until now.

And I don't want to tell this therapist that I have channeled, that I hear voices and have been in the hospital for an episode recently. Why is that even relevant? It may invalidate my experience of my husband's abuse if I am seen and viewed as having severe mental health or spiritual issues. I certainly don't want the attention turned onto ME instead.

My husband tried to bring up my drinking as an issue and a problem towards the end before we broke up - again he's trying to turn the spotlight away from him - I told him that I drank MORE during the last 6 months because he was abusing me, because I wasn't happy in the marriage and because of HIM.

What bothers me is that he'll say these things, but on the other hand, he'll be as sweet as pie to me. He asked me if therapy will. be all about pointing out HIS issues. I need to address this further with him... HIS issues are the reason why we broke up.. or why I left him!

On one hand it’s a valid point that therapy can’t be only about one person’s faults. Therapist might ask what bothers him too and won’t just ask what bothers you.

On the other hand it’s curious that your husband focuses on your substance abuse and your mental health issue rather than in general what you might do wrong too behavior wise.

It sounds like he wants a therapist to see that you are not in touch with reality. It’s not the same as “are you telling a therapist about depression and anxiety?”. He wants therapist to know that you are specifically aren’t fully there so to speak, not just that you have mundane mental health issue.

Interesting he didn’t say if you are sharing you have auditory hallucinations. He wants you to share that you channel some dark forces or demons speaking to you or some other similar stuff. He wants therapist to think you aren’t in touch with reality plus you are often intoxicated. Pretty much he might admit he has been acting badly but it’s because he is married to a crazy person. That will be his defense

And he likely will bring it all up in therapy even if you won’t.

It’s just my thought on the matter. I hope I am wrong on this

For therapy to really work both sides need to be fully transparent about EVERYTHING because it ALL ties together in the relationship that is supposed to be working on. It isn't about leaving this or that out because you or he don't see the validity of something. Everything that each of you do is ALL part of the relationship & is a part of each individuals perspective of what is going on in the marriage

Thank you both.... I told my husband that I would inform the therapist of what's going on with me, if I felt like it. Divine, I see. your points.... I won't allow him to do that to me in therapy. IF he does, I am stopping therapy, I am stopping seeing him and the marriage is most certainly over.

I just spoke with him about therapy - he said he will take ownership of everything and that he won't blame me or any of my issues for his poor behaviors. We shall see.

That is not working therapy. Each does things that do create responses from the other & if those issues aren't dealt with.....why bother?

Even in my bad marriage there were things I did that made things worse not better & IF I HAD TRULY WANTED to save the marriage my issues would have needed to have been addressed too, not just ALL the bad stuff my H was doing.

Yeah? And the ONLY thing I ever did wrong was to abuse alcohol during the last 1.5 months of our marriage. And even then, I wasn't starting fights with him OR causing problems! I was nothing but loving and supportive of him throughout our entire marriage. So, no, I am not going to view it the way you are.

We are in therapy to address HIS abuse towards ME for 2.5 years. Not to address ME. I have my own individual therapist for that.

These therapy sessions are all about HIS abuse.

I think your husband should be able to bring up whatever issues. My concern was that he might bring it up in a light of placing blame and making you look crazy and unstable. That’s not right. Therapy will not work if it becomes about blame

If however he brings it up without blaming, then I think he should be able to.

You can’t really have successful therapy if certain topics are taboo. Like if he can’t bring up drinking, then he can say you can’t bring up XYZ issues either. I understand if the only issue is that he is an abuser, then I can’t imagine how therapy would work. You want a neutral party tell him that he is an abuser and he is going to stop because some therapist tells him. That’s why couples therapy with abusers isn’t even recommended. How would it work? How would a stranger make your abusive husband stop abusing you?

If however you approach it with the idea that this marriage isn’t working and you want help in making it work, then it’s a different story. But then some things might need to be disclosed to show a full picture.

Hope if you want couples therapy be only about his abuse then why have couples therapy? He already admitted he is an abuser. You told him he is an abuser. What could couples therapist do? I could see if he disagreed but I thought he is an agreement. So do you want couples therapist to tell him to stop abusing you?

IF this becomes about ME in ANY way, he WILL find ways to BLAME ME for HIS ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR.

I will let the therapist guide the sessions. But I am not making it about me. Of course, my husband has every right to bring up any issues that bother him, but I am in therapy to address his abuse AND my current mistrust of him. That's the only reason for the therapy.

We are there as a couple to help HIM learn better ways to communicate with me.

I hope it works the way you see it.

I will let the professional guide us.

That’s a good idea

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope I will let the professional guide us.

Will you accept the T's guidance if they don't make it ALL about his abuse?

Quote:

I am in therapy to address his abuse. That's the only reason for the therapy.

Marriage therapists don't see it that way. They are being paid to address ALL issues that are making the marriage unsuccessful. Sometimes they need to see the other person's blaming to KNOW it is not JUST your opinion.

I can only live my life the way I see fit. I can only follow and do what I think is right and best. I appreciate all the support and insights - however, I am only pursuing couples therapy for the reasons I outlined.

Sure, relationships are a two-way street, but as I've already stated, I have been NOTHING but LOVING, SUPPORTIVE and GIVING in this relationship. The spotlight is on HIM and HIM ONLY. HE is the one who has F'ed up this relationship- NOT ME.

Otherwise, I will DROP therapy and I will LEAVE my marriage IF this becomes about ME in ANY way.

I don't care to discuss this any further.

Marriage therapy is about two people learning how to communicate with each other. Each person in a relationship has to be able to understand how the dynamics of their personality, behaviors, history, feelings, communication interact with the others person’s personality, behaviors, history, feelings, communication. In order to have real positive change and be able to move forward, both parties have to make adjustments. It isn’t about blame; it’s about awareness and adjustment.

If therapy is only about your blaming of him, and he is the only person who needs to change, then that really isn’t marriage therapy.

You have valid reasons to mistrust him, and you will also have to work on how to effectively and respectfully communicate your fears and anger with your husband because your responses are also part of your marriage dynamic WHIlLE at the same time your husband has valid concerns about the relationship and will also have to work on how to effectively and respectfully communicate his own fears, needs, etc. because his responses and actions are also part of the marriage dynamic.

It’s a sort of “dance” a relationship gets into where both people have to understand how they play off of each other; only in exploring that push-pull together will they be able to truly change the dance. If only one partner is making the adjustments, they’ll just end up tripping over each other.

I hope you will be able to both be completely open about your concerns and needs and both be willing to hear each other and make the changes the relationship needs in order to move forward into a healthy one.

ETA: I wrote this before I saw your last post but I am leaving my post here. I’ve tried to frame what I wrote positively and supportively. Marriage is work. I hope the best for you.

Thank you. Your post made me reflect. I do get super angry and react strongly when he disrespects me. I think that’s only natural. But yeah, I could probably learn different ways of communicating as well. I appreciate your post and the way you worded it.

He took me out for a very nice expensive meal last night. As we were eating, the tears welled up inside me. I couldn't mask my emotions anymore. The last four days I have spent time with him and he's spent the night at my apartment. I have inwardly held inside my hurt over his infidelity. I didn't bring it up over the last four days, so it came out during our dinner. We couldn't finish our dinner and it ended abruptly. We were silent on the ride home. I told him how hurt I am still.

During our time apart, towards the end, I felt like I could forgive him. And now? It's still very present with me. His reasoning that it was unlike him and that he was out of sorts is not good enough for me. While he was flirtatiously texting with another woman, he was also showering ME with love, affection and attention, telling me how much he loves me.

Last night I told him it doesn't add up, and that it was VERY deceptive behavior - WHY shower me with so much love when he's doing something so secretive and deceptive behind my back?

IF he were truly angry with me, wouldn't he have been far more distant with me during that time period? I am not asking people here these questions... I am asking myself these questions.

And IF he loves me SO much, how could he possibly have gone behind my back the way he did?

At present, he claims to love me sooooooo much and tells me he doesn't want to ever live without me again. I don't even know why he feels this way, after ALL the horrible things I've called him.

So last night it all came out of me, how hurt I am still by his actions and how hard it is for me to trust him at his word at this point. If you truly love someone, then how can you hurt them as much as he's hurt me? He's broken SO many promises, how can I possibly trust him ever again?

We have our 1st therapy appt tonight. I am looking forward to this. I don't know how to get past my feelings of mistrust, IF we are to remain together. I really don't. He has hurt me more than he even knows... not just with the infidelity, but with all the abuse. How can I trust that he won't continue to break promises and revert back to old behaviors?

He tells me he doesn't have it within him to be the way he was before - he tells me it's his mission to make me happy and to always show his love for me.

Time will only tell. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I feel I need him in my life, but a part of me doesn't even want him there. A part of me does, and a part of me doesn't.

I need him to spend time at his apartment. I need space from him now.

@eskielover and @divine1966, my apologies - I now see your points about couples therapy being a two-way street, with both people working on their own issues, independently and together. I was SO focused on HIM and ALL that HE'S done WRONG, Iv'e been blinded by that and couldn't see how I may have contributed to certain things going awry in our relationship.

When I drink too much and bring up issues that are between us, it triggers him.... or, it has in the past .And I don't have strong coping skills in times of great stress. My anxieties and fears also can get the best of me, as well as my mistrust. These are all weaknesses of mine. I can fully admit this to our therapist... I need stronger and healthier coping skills, and I need to learn how to not let my fears take over.

So I know I have more to work on... probably a LOT. We BOTH do.

Anyways, I'm sorry for my reaction to your posts.. .I know you were just trying to help me see things from another perspective other than my own. Thank you for that.

We saw the couples therapist last night and I felt my husband was trying to manipulate conversations and charm the therapist. I kept interjecting because he wasn't providing the full picture every time he spoke. I am really not sure about how long this will last. I came out of the session feeling upset and angry.