How to convince husband to care feelings that he doesn't agree with?

3 years of dating, 6 months of marriage and it's a wreck.

One pattern is that he will do/say things that make me feel terrible. But when I try to tell him That hurts or explain why it hurts, his responses are:

• You are too sensitive
  None of my friends would feel that way; if I asked them, they'd all laugh
  I can't be myself around you
  I'll just stop talking
  We're different.
  On the West Coast, nobody is like [you]. We aren't bothered by stuff like that.

So, for my feelings to be valid, I guess 9/10 Oregonians must agree?

Most recently, he was antagonizing me over a sleep disorder and (sorry), a sexual disorder.

Sleep disorders run in my family, as do depression. Even though I do most the housework, dog care, and executive tasks....when I take a 3-4 hour nap, he makes snide comments about how it "must be nice". I feel like I'm missing out on my life. When I explain my exhaustion isn't enjoyable, he responds as listed above.

I'm a 36 year old married virgin. I didn't want to have sex before marriage.....but it was painfully impossible when we tried. My pap smears were the hardest two doctors have ever seen. My sex drive is nearly non-existent, largely because of the disconnect between me and my husband.

I use dialators to try to fix what is wrong with me. They hurt bad. My husband will frequently interrupt holding a hammer, which bothers me. But he said, "Most girls get over this when they're 17. How old were you when you started using a tampon? Are you going to be the 40 year old virgin? This is teenage stuff, and it's bringing up teenage emotions."

Or, he'll ask me not to sleep with my cell phone near our heads at night, for radiation. No problem. But he will take Airplane Mode off during takeoff, on a plane to try to terrify me. When I explain why this is terrifying and makes me feel unvalued, he argues, "You're so sensitive, your [east coast] family is so different. All my friends would laugh, etc., etc." ......Sometimes after such an argument, he'll inexplicably start taunting me about my transgender little bro, who I love dearly and am very protective over.

I was a pro naturalist. I'd take people on bird walks and show kids cool bugs for a job. It took multiple huge, tear-filled, nerve-wracking fights for him to stop sending me pictures of dead wildlife when we were dating. He doesn't do that anymore, but why was it so hard?

Same thing with the racist words. His friends aren't racist, but he used to love "riling me up" and making me angry. I never yelled, but I'd challenge him every time. It took 2 years and a breakdown to get him to stop, and my opinion of him dropped a little bit every time.

He has broken dishes and thrown his playstation controller at our puppy's playpen (with puppy inside). He would be offended if he knew this still bothers me.

Last night I told him I as getting into counseling to try to learn how to reach him. He says he'll just have to stop behind himself.

What to do now?

I only have one question. Why are you two married? You don’t get along and have nothing in common and don’t even seem to like each other. What was the idea behind getting married?

I'm sorry that your husband is treating you like dirt, however it does seem as if your husband is sexually frustrated (Due to your sexual issues going on), and using you as his punching bag. As a woman I do salute you for waiting until after marriage to have sex... if only everyone does this.

There is a famous quote that's circulating on the web that I agree with 100 percent, and that is If a man expects a woman to be an angel in his life, he must first create heaven for her. So far hes creating a hell for you, and that is not right at all. There is no way for you to convince him to care for your feelings. Either he wants to or not.

If he doesn't treat you right and doesn't respect you as a woman, and cherish your feelings the way hes suppose to.. I honestly can't see this marriage working too well. I do recommend marriage counseling, thought.

Why did you marry him? I don't see any positives for you. For me throwing the control at the puppy's pen would have been the last straw for me. You've only been married for 6 months<,so there won't likely be much to fight over in a divorce. Honestly I'd say cut your losses and get out now.

i partly agree with the other wise and wonderful posters. It does seem like he is not treating you with the due respect and i am So Sorry that you're going through this. i'd suggest to make him understand that you want this Marriage to improve and that you're clearly stressed out about this, at least based on what you wrote here. Suggest couple counseling to him and perhaps even individual therapy if you feel like he needs it. If he refuses or denies there's something to improve i am afraid that there isn't much else you can do. Are there any positive qualities about him that you feel like make him at least somewhat redeemable? Please take care of yourself and everyone. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Sciurid, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

You’re entitled to feel how you do - if he were a decent, loving husband he wouldn’t call you “too sensitive” for feeling hurt when he said something nasty. That’s blaming the victim. He would apologise and at least try not to say it again, because in any case some things just don’t need to be said in the first place. He would also be supportive, not complaining that you have physical issues when it comes to having sex - which of course are not going to be helped by his attitude towards you.
I’m afraid you can’t change his attitude, this is who he is, and how he is. You need to decide if this relationship really is acceptable for you as it stands right now, because he won’t change for you no matter how many times you ask him.

I hate to tell you, but your husband is an ***. I don't read any amount of real affection for him, and he certainly does not display any real affection for you. I don't know why you two decided you should marry, but I don't think he's going to change - he has a horrible personality.

You talk about going into therapy to change you, and while you may have issues to work on, without him making his own changes, this is not going to work.

He doesn't respect you. Respect is the most important quality in any lasting marriage.

As others have asked, why did the two of you marry? The behaviors you describe are abusive. Please be safe. By breaking things and throwing the controller at the puppy he's already shown he can be violent.

I see some of the behaviors you are describing as narcissistic behaviors (but want to add that we have to keep the label in perspective--many of us have some narcissistic behaviors in some areas we need to guard against but are not "full blown" narcissists). That being said, I recommend you educate yourself about how people emotionally manipulate us by viewing some of Dr. Ramani's videos. Here is one that may apply to your situation:
Sometimes we can stop the manipulation by learning to value ourselves enough to enforce boundaries (when he antagonizes you and doesn't respect your POV, tell him to stop saying the things he is saying that are out of line then if he doesn't stop--walk away). Also, when you enforce a new boundary, there might be a terrible reaction/tantrum but we can learn to handle it and might find that when we demand respect we start getting more respect. If he does not respect your boundaries, then, IMO, this is a sign that he will never respect you.

Sounds controlling and abusive.

While I totally agree with Lizardlady that many of the behaviors you describe are abusive, I also think when we are treated like this it is a good time for self reflection and education. Was breaking and throwing things unusual and is he willing to discuss the cause/apologize? If he denies what happened or blames you for breaking or throwing things -- this would be a very, very huge red flag. I have done things that have hurt my husband and he has hurt me as well. We still have good and bad days but I am more aware of the situation and am able to handle it much better. It is hard to put into words in a post all of the dynamics of a relationship. Though it is a tragedy when people are trapped in abusive situations, we can also learn from them (so that we learn how to protect ourselves) and hopefully can walk away if it is appropriate. My husband also says I talk too much. Sometimes I do and I try to be more mindful of it. I think he has a hard time processing it sometimes. Sometimes he does listen to me but there are also some days where I feel like he is not a good listener. We all have good and bad days but it is important to evaluate if a person's bad behaviors are unacceptable and will never change. It can take time to evaluate the cause of bad behaviors too. So I I think all of the replies are useful but it takes time and self reflection to figure it out. Please stay safe though like Lizardlady said. I hope things get better for you!!!!

Are you aware that there is a medical term that seems to line up with condition you described: vaginismus. It is a known phenomenon and can be treated, often by a sex therapist. Still, I agree with the other posters here: his behavior strikes me as cruel and abusive. What do you see it him? Why not move on and look for a guy who builds you up, rather than tears you down?