Degenerating relationship with my mother

I think you should look into frozen dinners that your mother can just pop in the microwave. I think that prepared meals that are healthy to eat and easy to zap in the micro wave will work out better.

If she is on insulin then perhaps she needs some carbs? (not sure, I am not a doctor). However, a member of my family was able to bring down his blood sugar (so that he didn't have to go on insulin) by cutting out carbs. What does he eat? Eggs for breakfast (with vegetables and sometimes meat) and salads with vinegar and oil, meats, and vegetable stir fries. Absolutely no breads, cereals, or potatoes but most nuts are really good for diabetics (but not peanuts which really is not a nut). He even found that using whipping cream instead of half & half in his coffee made a huge positive difference in keeping his blood sugar low. Meats and fats are satisfying and don't spike your glucose. (Dr. Hallberg on Carbs, Protein and Fat, and Their Surprising Impact on Blood Sugar (Ch 1) - YouTube)

An easy evening meal might be one of those organic salad mixes with some sliced rotisserie chicken on top. I find broiling a piece of salmon to be easy to do as well (though I like it with coleslaw which has sugar but I would steam or saute cabbage on the side for a diabetic). Anyways, since you are shopping for her, her requests for chops and chicken seem quite sound and also consider some of the items I mentioned above. Perhaps a low sugar, high fat yogurt (low fat yogurt will spike your blood sugar) like these would be good:

siggi’s Icelandic yogurt - Coupons

Open Eyes and TunedOut

Thanks again for your comments.

She's controlling diabetes with diet. However, the main issue is whatever nutritious food is in the house, it's not being eaten. There's no will to do anything than "the easiest". When I suggest something like a tin of soup with an individual veg portion (from the freezer to microwave), she tries it and said it was great. Then never does it again.

Likes salmon, has portions in freezer which again, could be cooked with frozen veg in under ten minutes. There will only be an argument if I write down a week's menu.

What's happened is she's lost her sense of worth, understandable as we've now grown up. The negativity has manifested itself like an obsession and taken over her day-to-day. If one problem is solved, unfortunately another will quickly replace it.

From what you have shared about your mother, her life was constant problems. Her requests seem to be that of a request that others get along somehow to reduce her stress. Sounds like your mother never had a man that took care of her, not her father or a husband or now not even her son. He is her favorite? Well, he is the only male around her and the only male she could love too. It's sad that he lets her down, he probably doesn't even know if he did help her it would mean a great deal to her. Sad!

Thanks Open Eyes

Spot on yet again!

Her father was very laid back. Husband (my father) died early so for 4 years she was a single parent. Second husband a poor choice. My brother is same character as his maternal grandfather, so his wife is "the boss". He always has an array of platitudes. Lockdowns have been used as an excuse to not visit and do at least outside jobs for her. When he didn't phone for two weeks, my aunt intervened and asked him to phone his mother. His wife got in first, saying "we're only doing it for your own good". She's full of bull***t and thinks we fall for it. At no stage has anyone announced Covid can be caught during phone calls!

It's sad that whilst she acknowledges he's let her down, others criticising him is met with defence. Her unacceptable attitude to me is borne out of this frustration. Know that when I speak to her again, there'll be more unjustified criticism levelled at me

Perhaps she feels that the female is supposed to be the fixer codependent. This sadly is common in her generation.

Women were very devalued in your mother’s generation. Many women struggled with their self esteem because of that attitude.

Very difficult conversation with Mother this evening. I apologised for raising my voice to her last week, which she accepted. However, said she was still waiting for apology from me that I would not show her some compassion by apologising to my sister in law.

Doesn't want me to do any shopping for her tomorrow, says she's made other arrangements. Five minutes later, she said she'd have to sort out who would do her shopping. When I raised this, got a lecture about how hurt she was by what I'd said to her. It was no good saying people say things in the heat of the moment, she considered it was just an excuse.

Has a telephone appointment with doctor on Thursday about her depression. Over two years ago, she raised this subject during a doctor's appointment I attended with her. Doctor told her she didn't appear depressed and seemed to have a good support network. This took place well before the incident with my sister in law. However, Mother is trying to say that it's been brought on by that incident.

Had long telephone chat with my aunt who doesn't know what to suggest. I got upset, she said it's understandable. She suspects my brother has been "chosen" to do the shopping. It was very enlightening to hear that my sister in law has no intention of apologising for her actions. It's only what I suspected. So now my mother has managed to upset my aunt and me. Doesn't like neighbour for telling the truth, so now only has my brother and sister in law to help her. She'll be happy that favourite child is now at centre of her life. This all seems pre-planned. Starting this argument three weeks ago, in anticipation of lockdown ending. Sometimes I can be too perceptive but it's useful. It's as if she's engineered the whole thing.

((Poshgirl)) I think it would help you if you understood how your mother is expressing her need for a sense of control. You tend to take what she says personally instead of just reading her. There is a difference between reading and absorbing. You have been absorbing too much. Your mother has insecurities and that’s what she is revealing when she interacts. Also she tends to be stuck in a mother role which is a role she has played a long time. From what you share your mother is showing signs of decline. That is not going to change it tends to be typical of her age. This means you have to practice reading and just letting her talk and she probably will repeat, that’s what happens and becomes rather routine.

Hey if she says she made other plans about handling her shopping needs GREAT and if your brother takes her? Let him have at it. And say in a kind voice “good for you mom for taking charge”. So what if your brother helping her makes her happy. At 85 it’s good to have a sense of control and feel happy. Your mother never really did that well when it came to males in her life.

You are not ever going to change the story so step back and learn how to read what she is in the book that is HER charector and no one is going to change her charecter.

Pay attention to the things you absorb and work on letting it pass instead.

Thanks Open Eyes

Sound advice as usual!

Had tried strategy of just listening but that didn't work either. She accused me of not being interested in her. This has been happening for years.

I've now put record straight with my aunt, who was only hearing one side of the story. She also realised it isn't something new. She noted that for as long as she can remember, my mother's always had this "hang up" about her mother's lack of love.

I do hope my brother steps up, as much as he's allowed to. This lack of action has also been long-running.

Am trying to avoid stress because psoriasis is going from one leg but starting a flare up on other leg and elbows (again). Taking a step back is very much needed.

It’s possible her mother was not nurturing and your mother did feel unloved. Her mother’s generation did tend to be cold and children were to be seen and not heard. Is it just the two of them or did your mother have other siblings? Is your aunt older or younger than your mother?

Your mother may unknowingly be replicating the relationship she had with her mother in the way she relates to you. People do tend to pick up communication styles from their parents along with generational messages.

Complaints often mean “mom never taught me to...” and her mother’s generation often lacked in communication skills.

Thanks Open Eyes, your perception is exactly right.

Her mother was one of 9. From what's been said, it was typical working class family, probably with 4/5 children to one bedroom. Both of my great grandfathers worked in heavy industry. Paid on a Friday, in pub Friday and Saturday, enough money for roast dinner on Sunday then anything of value in pawn shop so they could eat for rest of week. Don't think either men reached 50. Weren't averse to domestic violence either, especially when under the influence of alcohol.

She claims not, but is exactly the same. The nasty streak over many years became more noticeable as I have grown up. When I've challenged things, that's probably cultivated the angst more. My brother just goes along with what she says. Facial expressions can be hidden on the phone!

Her mother's mother told all her daughters "not teaching you to cook, you'll pick it up when you get married". To her credit, my mother was a good cook (traditional rather than modern).

May seem awful to say, but I'm much calmer. Almost like shaking off the shackles....

Well if you can step back instead of absorbing it’s better for you. Your mom grew up in the late 30’s and so different in that generation.

thanks Open Eyes

Just read your comments on "People constantly blaming others". Where you describe your sister, it could be my sister-in-law and mother.

Mother has just phoned me and the subject of our problem came up again. She said I can visit and talk if I want to. I reiterated that nothing had changed; I would not be changing my stance. It appears she has made other arrangements for her shopping and other jobs I did for her.

After her chat with doctor on Thursday, she's now got a positive attitude. Sadly, it won't last. "Others" have advised her to think only about herself. Well, I know who they are. My brother, sister-in-law and aunt so of course, everything is great in the world! I chatted with my aunt last week and she listened but couldn't really offer advice on how to deal with the situation.

I am going to work on not absorbing all the negativity generated. I haven't felt well recently, so have a valid reason too. This pandemic has taught me one thing. Despite thinking it would generate common sense and empathy in my family, nothing has changed. One good thing has happened, someone who I thought I'd lost as a friend, has contacted me again. He's always a source of good advice too.

It’s good that you are working on not absorbing. It takes time to gain on developing that new skill. Let your mother make alternative plans too. See that as a positive.

Well, I visited today to collect money owed to me. Nothing has changed!

As I was about to leave, she started on again about the situation after I'd sat through all the things my brother is now doing for her. When asked if I had anything further to say I said no, my views on the subject are still the same. After repeating this about 4 times, I was again accused of showing no compassion. There was silence when I said sister-in-law's behaviour totally unacceptable and I wouldn't respond to emotional blackmail. There's just no recognition of this. Was told off for not phoning for six days; reminded her she also had a phone.

When asked if I was still going to order her medication, I said yes. I am not that heartless, but gave option for her to make alternative arrangements. Same with "lifeline" alarm. Now not happy that I've put the responsibility back on her.

All those positive changes she was going to make didn't last long.

You can be disappointed poshgirl. Right now though you are practicing not allowing yourself to absorb. Talking about emotional blackmail with someone that is as old as your mother that has practiced it pretty much all of her life is not going to get the recognition you desire. And try to keep in mind that any "change" at this point probably won't last as your mother is just too used to following the same pattern of behavior.

Open Eyes, thanks again!

I've channelled my energy into jobs around house and garden. Last Friday, I indulged in a hobby I hadn't been able to do because of lockdown. Really enjoyed it, except for mild sunburn

I do realise that she will not change. Suppose I'm expecting her to behave to my standards. All she can say when challenged is "I'm your mother, show me some respect". I do respect her for some things, but not her stance on the family rift.

I think what you want from her is for her to respect you. Unfortunately she doesn’t understand that and you end up walking away from her felling frustrated. This is emotional neglect that you are feeling and this has been an ongoing challenge for you when it comes to your mother.

However it sounds like your mother was emotionally neglected herself and that is actually common for her generation.

Thanks Open Eyes. That's exactly right!

Have been expecting an irate phone call from my brother but it hasn't happened, thankfully. I still have feelings of guilt but I must live my own life. Now to get back the person I used to be.....