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poshgirl
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Default Dec 13, 2021 at 03:18 PM
  #61
My hope to not have to post an update was optimistic, sadly. Some of you may be aware that I've commented on another thread, about what we're doing for the holidays.

Saw mother on Saturday and would have discussed Christmas had it not been for a minor emergency. (Whilst moving the freezer into her kitchen/diner, my brother plugged it into a socket with a timer switch. Therefore, defrosting/ refreezing so she's had to throw away food and endured a dicky tummy because it's been like this for 2 weeks). She accepted my offer to get some ready meals which I dropped in today.

Took chance to ask about Christmas. She's decided to go to my brother's house, although can't stay because they have stairs. What ensued was more of the same vitriol. All the hurt I've caused her. When I said "what about me?", she said I didn't matter. Made it worse by telling her that my aunt had told me about her suggestion to contact me. Now she's accused us of gossiping. When I got ready to leave, she said "if you walk out on me, you walk out of my life". So, she's learned nothing. I didn't expect her to but meeting half way would have been nice.

Do I feel upset about not having a family Christmas? No! As I said in the other post, the only caveat for accepting brother's invitation would be it was for my 16-year-old niece only. Now accepting I have a family of hypocrites who've only made themselves look silly.
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Default Dec 13, 2021 at 05:15 PM
  #62
Quote:
Originally Posted by poshgirl View Post
...
Thank you all for your support and hope you'll understand that what I crave now is a 6ft guy to take me (a mere 5ft) in his arms and give me the best man hug ever...
Poshgirl - right there with you. I got that hug from my chiropractor a couple of weeks ago. That was nice of you to help your mom. Even tho you get nothing back.

Growing up, I always felt like i wasnt a part of my family. It doesnt get better as the years go on. Its like, they are now realizing the damage their pettiness caused. Cinderella's stepsisters can not live happily ever after.
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Default Dec 14, 2021 at 07:23 AM
  #63
One thing I forgot to add and don't want to portray that I'm gloating because I'm not.

Whilst they are congratulating themselves on this decision, they've succeeded in making themselves look silly. Certainly not me!

Unaluna, your comment rings true. As I told my mother yesterday, this hasn't all happened because of what my sister-in-law did, it started years ago. Of course, she's conveniently forgotten all the times she's belittled/criticised me and now tries to pass it off as old age.

Still "searching" for the hug....
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Default Dec 17, 2021 at 08:19 AM
  #64
A further update.

Spoke to my aunt last night and appears she wasn't told the whole story by my mother. I filled in the gaps.

My aunt is at a loss to understand my mother's actions/attitude, also acknowledging all I've done to help her over the years. She also agrees that my mother is difficult and seems adamant about antagonising as many people as possible.

More discussions on topic when I visit aunt on Monday....
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Default Dec 21, 2021 at 04:54 AM
  #65
Visit to aunt was very productive yesterday.

She now has a better understanding of how my mother is behaving. Whilst sad that mother and daughter can't have a reasonable relationship, she empathised when I put things into an historical context. In other words, this behaviour is nothing new. She listened, commented where appropriate, the most telling one being "I now realise it's not all you".

When touching on the problem with my sister-in-law, my aunt asked if I would have hit her back (if she'd connected with my face). My answer was no, I'd never behave like that. She agreed that sister-in-law has a problem which she won't acknowledge. The inability to "hold her drink".

The conversation was lengthy but at last I feel there's someone in the family who understands. My aunt even said she admired me for having my own home, car, etc. However, those are only material things. She agreed with the quotes I used from this site, especially about acknowledging my mother won't/can't change.
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Default Dec 21, 2021 at 08:18 AM
  #66
As someone who has always had a complicated relationship with my mother, your last comment is so true. Coming to an acceptance that she won't change has helped me to lower my expectations and has reduced my stress level in the limited situations that I have to deal with her.
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Default Dec 29, 2021 at 04:11 PM
  #67
Christmas Day on my own was liberating. Actually invited to lunch by mother on Boxing Day. My aunt was there. Neither asked me if I'd had a good day. Aunt was probably being tactful. Mother talked about Christmas Day at my brother's house. Know we don't have any strict covid rules in place in England this year (unlike last) but at one time there were people from five households there

Haven't felt this degree of liberation in ages. Next decision is new year. At moment, don't want to go anywhere or feel obligated to. I know that sooner or later, mother will revert to the unacceptable behaviour. Sounds selfish but I'm liking pleasing myself
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Default Jun 18, 2022 at 11:08 AM
  #68
Well, didn't think I'd revisit this topic but....

Today's visit to mother ended in the usual confrontation. I regret something I said behind the closed bathroom door. Although she has hearing problems, she heard every word. Now she's going to add a codicil to her will because I doubted my parentage. So much for her hearing problem!

Early in conversation, I mentioned my cousin (thread: not a time for bickering). Said I could relate to how she felt in doing what she did. Then I added that it would be nice if someone in the family asked me how I actually was. That was the trigger (different meaning to usual on here) for mother to start her rant about how badly I treated her. She's again said someone in the family is gossiping. Added that she knows I'm involved. Really?!When challenged, she wouldn't divulge what I've supposed to have said so I announced I would ask my aunt. "Don't you get causing any trouble" was the response.

Told her a couple more things which then generated the usual tirade because it emphasised that I didn't trust her. Ended in name calling (by her). Arrogant, hateful, smug; all the usual ones. And she had audacity to ask why I didn't visit her more often.

My parting statement, as she was becoming hysterical, was to stop and think about the cycle of these outbursts. She has no social life (doesn't phone anyone), usually happens after my aunt has visited, neighbour has phoned and now cleaner not doing what she should. Rather than challenge them, she decided to have a go at me instead. Have told her again it's unacceptable. Doesn't like to be challenged....

Have to go to a funeral next week. Hope it will give her time to reflect on her unacceptable behaviour, but I doub it
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Default Jun 20, 2022 at 06:26 AM
  #69
A further update...

Lengthy phone conversation with my aunt last night. She'd spoken to my mother and heard about the latest issues. Except there were vital parts missing. My aunt went very quiet when I filled in the gaps. She's also at a loss as to why my mother is behaving like this and said she could hear the anger in my voice.

When I repeated my comment about not being her daughter, my aunt sympathised and agreed that the treatment I was getting from my mother would make anyone wonder. She also agreed that some things looked like they were stage-managed, although she questioned my mother's ability to do that.

We moved onto other issues. My aunt has invited my mother to her new house including overnight stay. Also mentioned suggestion to stay at my mother's which was apparently met with instant rejection. All because there's a few things lying around in the spare room which my brother promised to remove. Still plenty of room to access bed, wardrobe, etc.

We explored possible effect of self-neglect or vitamin deficiency being cause of mother's attitude but there's no easy way to broach the subject. My aunt is also disappointed that her own sister is badmouthing her for no reason. We all have different personalities and how we express things. Aunt's closing words were "you've got to have a life of your own" and "whatever you do won't be good enough".

Will see what happens at family get-together on Saturday (aunt's birthday). Of course, I won't react if I hear any adverse comments. I don't do that.
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Default Jun 22, 2022 at 04:41 AM
  #70
And so it goes on....

Phoned mother last night to see if she still wants lift to funeral today. "No, I've made other arrangements". Silence. Extricated that my brother's taking her. Also to aunt's birthday party on Saturday. That's fine, if he wants to do extra miles to keep her happy. Doesn't matter, as he has company car anyway.

Conversation degenerated into usual blame fest, but this time I had to call out another lie. Then had lecture about how I was expected to behave today, at funeral. Made comment that I would never, ever be disrespectful to someone's memory or family. Shows how little she knows her own daughter. This is a mother who claims I show her no respect yet still treats me like a child. Regardless of how she behaves to me as an adult, I'm still supposed to take all the c**p that she dishes out. Oh, it's her birthday next week and she wanted me to know that she's yet to make up her mind what to do. So, I'll be to blame if she decides to cancel arrangements already in place. Playing the martyr as usual!

Have tried reasoning with her, counter-attacking, even staying silent. None of it works. There's got to be more to life at 60+ than this!
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Default Jun 22, 2022 at 08:59 AM
  #71
Is it possible to dial down the phone calls and visits to a lower level? It seems like they only cause you grief and stress and neither of you actually enjoy them.

In my case, I bowed out of the last contact with my mother (I live far away from family), which were family Zoom calls, because all she did scowl when I talked and direct rude comments to me. I got to the point where I dreaded them so much and I would start to feel stressed several days before. It has been freeing, although my sister, mom's mini-me, is not happy about it.
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Default Jun 22, 2022 at 02:28 PM
  #72
Thanks Rechu

I have done both. Visit once a week, likewise phone calls. My aunt, some time ago, said I was visiting too much. Others have said the same.

Well, today she was upset at the funeral but my brother buzzed round her. Frequently he used humour to keep her on an even keel. Although I hadn't seen him for months, he was very pleasant to me and even bought me a drink at the wake. She did talk to me about the people there but most of the time, I left her with my brother and it seemed to work. She could also see me talking/socialising with other people.

Saturday will be interesting, whether the same frame of mind continues. I did hear her trying to discuss her birthday with my brother, but a wake was not the right place/time.

I'm not under any illusion that anything has changed, it was just the circumstances today that made it better.
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Default Jun 22, 2022 at 05:56 PM
  #73
It is usually tough to decide what boundaries to put in place with family, I get it. I'm glad your brother was able to help keep her out of your way somewhat at the funeral. Discussing her birthday at a funeral sounds like something my mother would do!
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Default Jun 23, 2022 at 03:58 PM
  #74
After a funeral is often a time for reflection and today has been just that.

It was good to witness three children who grew up with the same level of love from both parents. Children who are now 64, 62 and 54! In my brother's case, because he hadn't attended their father's funeral, he had not seen them for around 35 years

It hasn't been my sole occupation all day but I've realised that her behaviour is causing me problems. For two weeks, since the start of this latest tirade, I've been suffering digestive problems (being polite here!). When I've moaned about the odd ache/pain (including Covid vaccine nerve damage) instead of sympathising, she's seen that as the ideal opportunity to start a tirade designed to demoralise me even more.

Enough said
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