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Yisi
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Member Since: Mar 2021
Location: Italy
Posts: 1
2 yr Member
Default Mar 31, 2021 at 09:02 PM
  #1
Hi, my name is Yisi and I'm of Chinese descent. I'm stating my ethnicity openly because it plays a role in the relationship I have with my parents, at least according to them. As with all "problematic children", something probably went wrong during my childhood although if I try to pinpoint the exact reason I'm left with flimsy facts all with which can be reasonably explained.
My parents beat me but that's kind of normal for Chinese parents and to be fair they stopped pretty soon (8 years or so), even sooner with my little sister and my little brother. My parents made me feel guilty about my expense because I ate and needed clothes and I went to school. Again, they were struggling financially, even more than now, and my grandma did basically the same thing with my mom. Not really open to having their ideas questioned, but that's something every family experience to some extent. You just learn to keep your ideas for yourself. They had high standard and liked making comparisons with other kids, as with all Asian parents. The only bad thing was that I met those expectation. The usual ones that is. I like writing so I won some writing contests. I like learning languages so I learnt English, Spanish, French, I learnt Chinese writing (my parents speak Chinese and I was able of speaking Chinese but the language I was most fluent in was Italian) and I'm currently working on my German. I did very good at school, all throughout my academic career and as of now, I'm a second-year biomedical engineering student. I'd say that I'm still a good student, not the excellent one anymore but I started working part-time last year before the pandemic. That's what I mean with "usual ones". But yes it's true that I can't cook and I have next to zero eye for fashion and when I was 18 I was still without a job, studying for university entrance exam but jobless nonetheless. I moved back home with the lockdown. I'm still at home. Again without a job... But that's not the problem and my parents are making remarks on the fact anymore. I'm seeing a psychologist and it's kind of helping. I'm trying to lower my own expectations, accepting some not-so-perfect grades, not obsessing over getting a job and all. My parents have been working on themselves too even when it's very difficult for them which is why I appreciate their effort all the more. They'd like a more normal relationship with me where I can talk freely, even though it has not ended very well when my opinion differed from theirs. I talk more, but I'm always very careful with the choice of subject, lexicon, intonation. I still mess up sometimes when say something that triggers them. They say that now they're feeling nervous because I always recoil from them. I agree on that fact, especially since it's not only on a communicational level but a physical one too. I tried to stay in the same room as them. I'm still trying but I can't study, or read, or write, or exercise as long as I'm conscious of their presence. I end up waiting for them to leave or I leave myself if they're taking too long. I jump when my mom touches me. Whenever they call me my facial features droop down even when I was laughing and joking the moment before. I can recognize those too. But my parents told me it's making them feel as if their effort amounted to nothing. Because they really tried, not making a big deal of my defects. I can't understand that either, I just know that I feel terribly uncomfortable when I'm around my parents. I told them that it was probably my childhood and they told that I was bringing up the past as excuse and I should look just at the effort they put in during the last year. They're right. Somewhat right at least. They're excerting themselves and are not really seeing results. My mom just said to me that the pressure is killing her and asked what was wrong with me, why I look so sad when she looks at me. It's irrational, I know, it's more like a phobia than a human interaction but I just can't bring myself to share the same space as them. What should I do?
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Default Apr 01, 2021 at 12:41 PM
  #2
Wow you sound VERY intelligent and very capable of learning, good for you!! It's amazing that you speak so many different languages and you can write English very well too.

Just so you know, when a parent hits a child that experience never truely goes away. It was your parents that created this deep challenge in you and it doesn't matter how they are now because they put something there that simply cannot be erased. Things parents choose to do with very young children can be there for a life time. This is something we are learning more and more as we learn about the human brain and development. This can lead to a person developing a need to have private space when they are learning and this can be this way for a life time. Unfortunately, parents tend to think in the moment and they often don't realize how a choice they make can be an important foundation that is a negative for a young child.

It's good that you have let go of needing perfection too, the brain isn't going to be perfect while learning, this is something that takes time and lots of practice and repetition when it comes to grasping any new skill. When we go to school, the entire purpose of education is in fact "learning how to learn". What every parent should focus on the most is supporting their child while learning so the child develops enjoyment about learning MORE than being stressed about perfection. When a parent hovers and demands too much, the child learns "stress" and often tries to distance in order to experience learning without the stress of that parent hovering.

There is always going to be certain conditions that help when it comes to learning. When learning a person is very much in their own head so to speak and it's best done without outside negative influences and this tends to be especially true for genius IQ's.

At this point, what you parents will need to understand, and as I say this they may not, is that you have formed your own learning style and they have to NOW respect that about you. They are still making this about THEM too much. They have to learn to let go of that and understand you are beyond that now. And YES, with some cultures that can be extra hard. Things are changing on a global level and younger generations are learning HOW to integrate with humanity now and this means distancing from old traditions of certain cultures and cultural traditions.
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