advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
Goscratch
New Member
Goscratch has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2021
Location: ny
Posts: 8
2 yr Member
Default Apr 01, 2021 at 10:26 AM
  #1
I want to make a long story short and I really need help.Six years ago my son who is very close to us Introduced to us a mixed Asian decent woman. He has had serious relationships before and just came off of one. We are a loving Christian close knit family. After several months he asked us what we thought of her and she was going to move into his home. We really liked her and we were happy with the happiness she brought to our son. She even thanked us for giving our son to her and for our wonderful family. She has family that does not live in the area and she left them right out of college to start a new life elsewhere. That may be the cold part of her emotional status. They eventually got engaged and we threw them a beautiful party.They had told us they did not want a large celebration which was totally understood as they were frugal and would rather use money in a better area. We agreed. As they approached their mid 30s, I even suggested why not start a family...the wedding can come afterwards. Anyway they did and they gave me the most unbelievable beautiful grandchild which I babysat for her first two years because they were working parents. During the 2016 presidential election our family views and this woman’s views were so opposite and she became very defensive disrespectful and nasty to everyone in our family because of her passionate views of liberalism. It’s obvious it all became a political bias. I slowly saw how distorted she looked at our family. Anyway then Covid happened and they were serious quarantiners and kept themselves and their child away from us the grandparents. And the rest of the family.We held family gatherings cautiously and outdoors and we still had our togetherness but they never included themselves. We just learned after so many years that she felt hated and a racial tension coming from us. It is totally not true as we always loved her and my son whom is so happy and this beautiful grandchild. She seems to be creating stories that she thought she heard that tries to prove we are biased plus she is throwing instances in the mix because she felt un included in family events..My other son got married and we included her pregnant in every photo and each photo is hanging in our home from three years ago. She is twisting that day stating we slighted her by not including her in all the wedding plans. I had nothing to do with the plans yet she was in every photo and was in the procession of introductions to the reception. my husband and I had always loved her and I try to be her mother away from home because she doesn’t seem to have a relationship with her and I think she resents that and is taking away our son..He has taken her side and is supporting her to the point where he won’t even talk to us. We are very hurt. But she is seeing things so distortedly. I really don’t know what to do I’m being accused as being a gas lighter which is a new term I learned about. I am only defending what is rightfully true and what has actually happened in the last six years but she recollects something totally different. It’s possible that she has an envy for our family love that she is not getting from her family so she doesn’t want my son to be close to us anymore. I think it’s her underlying goal as it seems she became evil..I’m trying to save our family but it has gotten so bad.

Last edited by bluekoi; Apr 01, 2021 at 11:16 AM.. Reason: To bring within Community Guidelines - politics.
Goscratch is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Open Eyes

advertisement
MickeyCheeky
Legendary
 
MickeyCheeky's Avatar
MickeyCheeky My echo is the only voice coming back
 
Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Italy
Posts: 11,817 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
38.4k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 01, 2021 at 12:14 PM
  #2
So Sorry that things are being hard for everyone! It does seem that racial tensions may have increased recently these past few years. So Sorry about that. i think the best way to solve this situation may simply be to have an honest and straight conversation with her and with your son as well. Try to make them understand that you have nothing against them or her Family based on what you wrote at least. i think it is sad to see a Family broken up especially if it is because of a misunderstanding like in this case it seems. Of course it also takes effort from them to do this thing. Give it a try. Hopefully they'll listen to what you guys have to say. Hugs. Please do not give up. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Goscratch, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
MickeyCheeky is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Goscratch
Innerzone
Wise Elder
 
Innerzone's Avatar
Innerzone FML
 
Member Since: Nov 2009
Location: NW US
Posts: 9,383
10 yr Member
31.3k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 01, 2021 at 12:47 PM
  #3
I am sorry things are unpleasant.

A few things jumped out at me that I found troubling.

"She has family that does not live in the area and she left them right out of college to start a new life elsewhere. That may be the cold part of her emotional status."
"I try to be her mother away from home because she doesn’t seem to have a relationship with her and I think she resents that and is taking away our son.."

Regarding the first, we raise children to become adults. They grow up, they move out, maybe they move away. That doesn't make them cold.
The second... "she resents that and is taking away our son"? He is an adult. He can make up his own mind.

I truly am sorry there is strife. But what you describe as close-knit also has a whiff of control issues. And the type of assessments made might better be in the purview of a professional therapist. This kind of thinking is probably not helping the situation. Have you thought about therapy for trying to deal with your feelings about this?

__________________
*********
Mr. Robot
Racial sensitivities affecting Relationship with in-laws
Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.
--The Cure
Innerzone is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
ArtleyWilkins, Goscratch, rechu
ArtleyWilkins
Magnate
ArtleyWilkins has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2018
Location: USA
Posts: 2,786
5 yr Member
7 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 01, 2021 at 12:56 PM
  #4
I read a great deal of judgment about her politics and their carefulness about their own family choices such as quarantining. I’m not sure you see your part in that very clearly.
ArtleyWilkins is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Goscratch, rechu
Goscratch
New Member
Goscratch has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2021
Location: ny
Posts: 8
2 yr Member
Default Apr 01, 2021 at 01:07 PM
  #5
Thank you for trying to reassure me. We are a very close old-fashioned Italian family. I have tried to have a civil conversation with her but for some reason I seem to be getting more and more on her **** list no matter what I say. She does not want to talk anymore. This is her goal.. to alienate my son from us because she does not want to share him. and I want to add that they chose to get married a few years ago and they did not tell us or share this secret with anybody. Do you know how hurtful that is? It was something we always wanted for them and they went and did it behind our back’s.We have given them so much including the roof over their heads. How have we not accepted her?? It has tore our family apart.
Goscratch is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Goscratch
New Member
Goscratch has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2021
Location: ny
Posts: 8
2 yr Member
Default Apr 01, 2021 at 01:18 PM
  #6
Thank you for your honesty. In me saying she is taking away our son away from us I’m mearly Stating that he has changed and no longer values family time together.. example it’s, Mother’s Day and she feels no need to celebrate it because her mother is out of town. So he agrees and does not acknowledge it for me. She has said disrespectful things to me on social media and my son never stood up for me. Disrespecting me is also disrespecting him (My son). As for the quarantining, I respect their decision but as their alienating themselves started a few years ago, this pandemic made it worse.
Goscratch is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Goscratch
New Member
Goscratch has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2021
Location: ny
Posts: 8
2 yr Member
Default Apr 01, 2021 at 01:27 PM
  #7
We are not at all controlling. But we would feel more honored if we got a phone call when my husband was in the hospital.. how are you feeling? Nothing. or celebrating someone’s birthday… Just send a card! A cousin entire family got COVID,, See how they are doing?But to disregard the family that you’ve had over 30 years and have somebody else control you is mine baffling. And for her to bring up that our entire family has not reached out to her over Asian hate crimes makes her feel hated? Come on.
Goscratch is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Goscratch
New Member
Goscratch has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2021
Location: ny
Posts: 8
2 yr Member
Default Apr 01, 2021 at 03:24 PM
  #8
An addendum. I have always loved my Asian American daughter-in-law. I have never done anything to make her feel less than that. I had always put her and my son up on the pedestal especially in raising the most perfect child. They are fantastic parents. But now that she conjured up all of this craziness I am beginning to feel differently as her true colors came out.
Goscratch is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Molinit
Grand Member
Molinit has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2015
Location: Michigan
Posts: 838
8 yr Member
84 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 01, 2021 at 03:59 PM
  #9
Stop explaining. Stop defending. You cannot fix this and you need to let it go. She will feel however she is going to feel, rightfully or not, and there is nothing you can do to convince her otherwise.

Unfortunately, this also means that unless your son steps up to make sure you have a relationship with your grandchild, that relationship will go by the wayside.

Also, she is not "taking away" your son. Your son is going WILLINGLY. Pay attention to that. He can choose to come around or bring his child around and he seems to be choosing not to. Why don't you ask him why?

For what it's worth, I also read a LOT of judgment on your part toward her culture and her "coldness", their choice AS PARENTS to be very careful with quarantine/lockdown. I don't think her feelings are coming from nowhere - but again you cannot fix this or defend yourself, so let it all go.
Molinit is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
ArtleyWilkins
Goscratch
New Member
Goscratch has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2021
Location: ny
Posts: 8
2 yr Member
Default Apr 01, 2021 at 04:05 PM
  #10
We are really hurting. We are seniorCitizens and our days can be numbered. I just want to make it better. I need my grandchild to know she is loved. This is very painful. But I know I have to let it go. Thank you.
Goscratch is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
divine1966
Legendary Wise Elder
 
divine1966's Avatar
divine1966 Tired!!!
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,303 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,274 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 01, 2021 at 06:27 PM
  #11
I am sorry you are having issues. I noticed couple of things. I don’t think it’s of any use to make assumptions about people and their families. I see no point in assuming she is jealous or resentful or having no relationship with her family. Why assume she has no love in her family? Did she tell you that? Moving away and not living close by isn’t a sign of anything bad or cold or negative but is rather normal progression of events.

Following quarantine the way it was recommended does not make her cold. It makes her wise. Why should she endanger her child? She sounds like a loving parent to me and so does your son.

Unless your son is a minor or incapacitated, no one can take him away or make him stopping talking to you. He makes his own decisions. It sounds that you blame her for your son’s estrangement yet most of it is based on assumptions and you thinking that’s what is going on going with your daughter in law. She can’t stop him from doing this or that. It’s his choice. Address this with your son. But without assumption and judgement of his wife and her family
divine1966 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
ArtleyWilkins, Molinit, mote.of.soul
Molinit
Grand Member
Molinit has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2015
Location: Michigan
Posts: 838
8 yr Member
84 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 01, 2021 at 09:31 PM
  #12
Quote:
Originally Posted by Goscratch View Post
Thank you for trying to reassure me. We are a very close old-fashioned Italian family. I have tried to have a civil conversation with her but for some reason I seem to be getting more and more on her **** list no matter what I say. She does not want to talk anymore. This is her goal.. to alienate my son from us because she does not want to share him. and I want to add that they chose to get married a few years ago and they did not tell us or share this secret with anybody. Do you know how hurtful that is? It was something we always wanted for them and they went and did it behind our back’s.We have given them so much including the roof over their heads. How have we not accepted her?? It has tore our family apart.
Please re-read what you have written here. No wonder they don't want to talk. So what if they got married without telling you? Why do you need to know? It was perfectly fine for them to have a child without being married so why all this indignation that they married and didn't say anything? It's their own business.

FYI my father is from Italy (making me first generation Italian-American) and my family as a whole has never gotten into the business of extended family the way you seem to want to, with the need to be all involved in their personal business, the demand that he recognize Mother's Day to you, etc. When a son marries, he has his own family that he makes decisions for. The word I would use is "intrusive" and that is what has put them off dealing with you.
Molinit is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
ArtleyWilkins, divine1966, Innerzone
divine1966
Legendary Wise Elder
 
divine1966's Avatar
divine1966 Tired!!!
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,303 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,274 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 01, 2021 at 09:56 PM
  #13
I don’t understand why you blame your daughter in law for your son not calling you on Mother’s Day, not checking up on his father in the hospital or otherwise ignoring his parents. He is not a little child or a puppet. Whatever he does or doesn’t do as your son is on him. Not on her. You make it sound as he doesn’t have his own mind and only follows his parents and his wife. Was he raised to not be allowed to make decisions? And even if let’s say she brainwashed him, it doesn’t speak to his favor that he, a grown man, could be brainwashed in this manner.

If my daughter distanced herself from me and didn’t call to check up on me, it would be on her. Not on my son in law. How is it her fault he didn’t call you on Mother’s Day? Why is she to blame?
divine1966 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
ArtleyWilkins, Innerzone
Goscratch
New Member
Goscratch has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2021
Location: ny
Posts: 8
2 yr Member
Default Apr 02, 2021 at 07:23 AM
  #14
The Mother’s Day event was just an example. I’m having a little trouble understanding how my son can do a 360 with his attitude. Where does it come? It’s called being supportive. As for making an assumption on daughter-in-law’s coldness, her mother told us that she became a rebel and they used to talk all the time and now they don’t. She let her political beliefs take over in such a way that she does not want to see our family. We are not confrontational people. She is, and likes to start disagreements over a posted comic or funny social media meme. Well I am off of social media as well as many other people I know because of this political divide. She has forgotten that we are still the same people she liked before she knew we were Republican supporters. Which BTW we changed over. We do not condone any hate acts and our family is not one that discriminates against people. I have no idea why she feels this way. I know she is scared to walk the streets and I feel really bad about it. What else can I do to support her in this? She is the mother of my grandchild. I find it’s so important to keep a good relationship with her.?I am just being human. I guess you can say my husband is a little bit controlling but respect should still be there no matter what the generation is. Thank you everyone.

Last edited by bluekoi; Apr 02, 2021 at 10:55 AM.. Reason: To bring within Community Guidelines - politics.
Goscratch is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
divine1966
Legendary Wise Elder
 
divine1966's Avatar
divine1966 Tired!!!
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,303 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,274 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 02, 2021 at 02:26 PM
  #15
Just talk to your son and ask him why he isn’t talking to you. You aren’t going to solve this issue by focusing on what his wife is doing wrong. You can have relationship with your son even if your daughter in law is distant. If you truly are as close with your son as you said you were, you should be able to have honest conversation with him and ask him what could be done to repair the relationship
divine1966 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Goscratch
sarahsweets
Threadtastic Postaholic
 
sarahsweets's Avatar
sarahsweets has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2018
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 6,006 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
192 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 02, 2021 at 11:55 PM
  #16
I am assuming youre not liberal in any way since you brought up her liberalism. If you are republican and supported the previous administration than maybe she is offended that people she is supposed to love believe the same stuff that was being shared by the previous administration?

__________________
"I carried a watermelon?"

President of the no F's given society.
sarahsweets is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
ArtleyWilkins
Goscratch
New Member
Goscratch has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2021
Location: ny
Posts: 8
2 yr Member
Default Apr 04, 2021 at 07:38 AM
  #17
We didnt want our country to fail so we tried to support the old administration at first ,,,no more. To take it to such an extreme that it would divide the family is sad. It is not the total issue at hand about the alienation. There is so much more- like Saying that they lost all their friends because they devoted their spare time to our family celebrations and then saying they never feel included in our family is very contradictory. It truly seems they are just looking for a disagreement to stay away... it's just what it seems. I am truly going to let it rest and simmer down. I know my son is hurting as well and my big concern is to rekindle with him first.
Goscratch is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 09:19 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.