Unsolved problems

So, as people know, I have a new man, or I’ve been with another man since my ex fiancé and I split up for the 2nd time over 2 years ago.

I’ve learned that some people can actually sit down to dinner with all their exes.

I want to be able to sit down to dinner with my ex fiancé.

I’m not yet engaged to another man so I’m still available for marriage

I broke up with my ex fiancé the first time because he was still married and the second time because he was homeless. Now he claims to own a house in my city so I’m like ready to give the relationship a third try.

The man that I have been with lives in his mother’s house so he is much less viable for marriage at this point in time then my ex fiancé as I am not a traditional girl who could live with her mother in law.

Now all are going to tell me I’m not thinking clearly, right?

Like my family all discouraged me from picking up my relationship with my ex fiancé a third time.

Is your ex interested in starting over?

I’d check if he really owns the house. Not saying it’s important (for me it is not, it is important that a man is independent but he doesn’t need to own property) but I’d still like to see how he went from being homeless to buying property relatively fast. Is he reasonably gainfully employed?

There is nothing wrong with sitting down for dinner with exes. But I only find it comfortable if there’s no romantic feelings. I socialize periodically with my ex husband. For sure there’s no feelings, plus it’s typically something family related and it’s not just us two. I only find it uncomfortable if ex has romantic feelings for me. I had an ex significant other who’d not let me go, so sitting for dinner would be awkward, he used every opportunity to try to convince me to come back.

No harm in meeting ex for dinner. See how it goes. Personally i think if relationship did not work out then, it wouldn’t work now but there are no rules. Why not meet as friends and see if there is a possibility. Especially if he is in the same city

He told me I was not a close friend so I’m not sure what guise we’d be meeting under. I’ve tried to find out if he owns a house in my city. He says his income is from passive income, like trading stock.
He said he had a couple of apartments in neighboring city along the way to owning a house in my city.

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Hm honestly if a person told me they don’t consider me a friend, I’d not be meeting them for dinner. Did you ever tell him that you consider rekindling your relationship with him? You said you are ready to get back with him, do you think he is ready as well? (What’s up with saying you aren’t a friend then?)

Oh yes , it’s part of his mental abuse, as I said I’m waiting for y’all to tell me I’m making a mistake. He said he would only tell a fiancée or close friend where he lived, in so many words.

That’s why I posted here, cause I’m stuck . I haven’t posted much recently until now.

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Yeah you don’t need mental abuse in your life. No one does. But it’s not always easy to let it go. Takes time.

If I was happy with man I have been with I wouldn’t be checking my blocked messages. The man I have been with not only shares of my ex fiancé’s deal breakers, he takes some of them a whole new level.

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Leomama, you have made such great strides these past few years, and I remember your ex-fiancee, and forgive my bluntness, he was not good for you. You are a bright, still young woman. If you are unhappy with the man you've been with, wouldn't it be better to be single and look for someone who doesn't have all those deal breakers than go back to a guy who hurt you so many times? There is no evidence that he is going to behave any differently. He has shown you what kind of partner he is. So just be prepared, if you go back with him, to deal with the same hurts and injuries.

Thanks seesaw, the man I’ve been with has not hurt me the way my ex fiancé has, he has a mother instead of a wife as a third party in the relation , both men smoke tobacco although my ex fiancé lied about being a smoker, and the new man drinks daily and not in moderation . My ex fiancé never drank in front of me but his now ex wife insinuated he was a bar goer or a drinker.

I can see that my ex fiancé still thinks he divorced and moved because of me. It’s like no you couldn’t even propose to me until you were divorced and stably housed locally. He was like I signed my divorce papers because of you. Um.

I think that’s what I need to accept, that despite all my ex fiancés gifts and the powerful impact his proposal had on me, it wasn’t reality based. My ex fiancé got angry at me when I pointed that out .

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Sounds like a bad idea to me. He sounds either like a liar or a cheat, being homeless and suddenly owning passive income? Not terribly believable. And what divine and you say about your past with him is not encouraging at all, either.

It sounds like this new man isn’t a good choice of a partner either. In addition you aren’t even happy with him. Life is too short to be unhappy. Honestly neither man is worth pursuing relationship with.

Um the second man is pursuing me while the first man is ignoring me and I’ve tried to tell the first man that someone is trying to take his place and he’s not listening. I refuse to tell him outright in a voice mail or text . He never answers when I call.

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If he is ignoring you and doesn’t answer your calls, I don’t think there is anything you can do. How would you rekindle your romance if he isn’t responding?

Is this guy who is pursuing you is a long term serious candidate for commitment or happily ever after? Doesn’t sound like it to me. So are your only two options are a guy who you are unhappy with or an ex who is ignoring you? In addition current guy is a daily heavy drinker, is he an addict? Typically healthy relationships with daily not moderate drinkers are not possible (unless they seek help and enter recovery). And the ex, if it’s the same pathological liar from before then this is a disaster waiting to happen. You can never trust him, but that’s a moot point since he isn’t responding to you. Both guys are bad news.

I know it’s hard to find right people. I was single for many many years simply because there was no right ones coming along. But being with wrong men isn’t going to solve it.

I’m not sure if he’s a moderate or heavy drinker. He has 3 double beers that he spreads out over 6 hours . The other problem is he lives in his mother’s house. That’s an even bigger problem for me. Current guy is also a smoker and a stoner although he doesn’t consume much weed as alcohol .
Ex says he wants to get together in 2 weeks , or won’t be able to get together for another 2 weeks due to physical health problems.

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It's best to avoid anyone who uses either alcohol or pot or both. Often all you become is just some other high and that's not healthy for anyone as you are only secondary to whatever drug is being used as some kind of coping aide.

Also, what many do not know about is how THC in pot can lead to a person having psychotic episodes and paranoia.

paranoia is a mental condition characterized by delusions of persecution, unwarranted jealousy, or exaggerated self -importance, typically elaborated into an organized system. It may be an aspect of chronic personality disorder, of drug abuse or a serious condition such as schizophrenia in which the person loses touch with reality.

Sometimes a person will turn to marijuana to reduce their consumption of alcohol. Well, all they are doing is trading one drug for another and it's still an effort to "escape". With that said, there really isn't a way to experience a healthy relationship because the other person is often more interested in pursuing the escape. So often that leads to "the lady in waiting" where you never really get to be part of the person in any real healthy way.

Also, both constant alcohol use or constant use of pot can lead to a person experiencing psychosis. This is a very confused state of mind and eventually has to be addressed as it can get worse with time. It can be a very confused state of mind where the person begins to believe all bad is happening to them and there is not going to be any room for you to experience any kind of "normal" relationship. It sounds like you are trying to make sense out of individuals that have substance problems and you simply can't make sense and any relationship you pursue with a person that has these challenges is not going to be a healthy one. From what you have shared, you are trying to rationalize the irrational. It's a lot of wasted effort and not healthy for you.

It’s still a lot of alcohol. Plus he is a stoner. Yikes. Not marriage or cohabitation material (if that’s what you consider). Living with mom is the whole another issue(can’t afford his own place?).

Your ex wanting to meet in two weeks I am not sure about. Does he want to meet because there’s something important he wants to share or is it because you suggested to meet and want to propose to rekindle your romance? I’d stir away from both men. They sound like they’d make your life more stressful and harder, not more enjoyable and less stressful. Who needs that

There's a reason you broke up with him twice before.
I would move on.

Wanting to get married is not a reason (not saying that's what you are doing) to settle, in life.

I’m not abstinent from alcohol or legal cannabis, I just use in moderation. I’m more in favor of delta 8 thc which is closer to cbd then delta 9 thc. I drink a 5% seltzer once a week or so. I’ve never seen the man I’ve been with drunk .

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I wouldn’t consider cohabit and yes he lives in his moms house for economic reasons and also because she is a widow and he cares about her. She actually depends on him , as she is retired . The alcohol and tobacco and marijuana don’t bother me as much as the mom.

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I hear you re mom. Is she at least nice? My brother and I always planned on taking our mom in if dad passed first. But sadly she passed away before there was any need for that. She was so easy going, it would be a piece of cake to live with her and she’d not mind either. Our dad isn’t interested to move in, unless maybe he becomes incapacitated but he isn’t easy going at all. Is his mom easy to live with? I’d hate to live with anyone to be honest especially if it’s not my parents! But sometimes it has to be tolerated