The ending of my relationship

Have Hope · May 15, 2021 at 06:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alive99

I told him. I also told him I can't be okay with his personality. That is a long story as to why I said that but basically I wanted to push him away/turn him off, I was building that message on his lies because he did this sob story that no one likes his personality, just his traits, to try and get me to be nice to him and "serve" his needs. So my message was to ensure he will not bother to play nice and stuff to placate me or try and keep the "relationship potential" with me or have any relationship with me on his own terms. I made it clear there was NO relationship potential whatsoever anymore. It worked, he understood the message, that I wasn't gonna play along with the sob stories or other "nice" placating ********. I *think* he saw that his lies didn't work on me and he didn't bother to try and figure out what new lie to weave that would be believable enough. It made my No Contact easier. He was so intrusive before it but that message worked.

But maybe that is still too much drama in your case, for you it could be easier to just simply say this is your last message to him to let him know you are done and going No Contact. And then keeping to it and not even reading anything from him. It's not worth the time. Whenever I decided that I was not going to read/hear anything from someone, it always helped. If I tried to read/hear something anyway from those - truly toxic - people, it was never worth it. It was always a waste of time, always a drain on my mental and emotional well-being. They really feed on drama and lies so much. It's just junk, whatever they write/say to you, no usable information whatsoever.

If I were you, I would also arrange all communication about the divorce through a third party. So then it's true No Contact.

@Alive99, Thank you.

I did warn him a few times, then went silent. Unless it has to do with divorce, I will not read or reply to his emails.

It IS very draining. I am afraid the toxicity of it all has conditioned me now to accept things I wouldn't normally accept. He has worn me down in every way possible.

Have Hope · May 15, 2021 at 06:22 AM

So I cannot figure out how to file for divorce on my own. My husband also has our marriage certificate, or his lawyer does. I asked for it back. And I contacted my former lawyer late yesterday to ask how much the fee would be to have him file for divorce for me. I am tired of this and just want to file for divorce. Enough is enough already. I imagine I won't hear from my lawyer until Monday, which is not soon enough for me.

May 15, 2021 at 06:40 AM

Have you thought about some dating or dating-like expierence? I mean it's all about him trying to make contact, playing games, and you trying to push him back. I can imagine how tired you are expierencing this.

Have Hope · May 15, 2021 at 06:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MisterPaul

Have you thought about some dating or dating-like expierence? I mean it's all about him trying to make contact, playing games, and you trying to push him back. I can imagine how tired you are expierencing this.

@MisterPaul, thanks and I am very tired. I cannot even imagine dating right now. I feel entirely broken down and damaged.

eskielover · May 15, 2021 at 07:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

So I cannot figure out how to file for divorce on my own. My husband also has our marriage certificate, or his lawyer does. I asked for it back. And I contacted my former lawyer late yesterday to ask how much the fee would be to have him file for divorce for me. I am tired of this and just want to file for divorce. Enough is enough already. I imagine I won't hear from my lawyer until Monday, which is not soon enough for me.

You don't need your marriage certificate to get a divorce. Mine was 2100 miles away & I never needed it to file or to get the divorce.

Basically you fill out a form & you pay to have it filed with the court....you also have to pay to have him served with the papers. Best to hire this to be done. In my case they mailed it registered mail. I had a stupid husband who refused to respond to the first notice so in my state they had to hire a 2nd lawyer just to serve him a 2nd time & he still never responded so they got a court hearing date & the judge just gave me everything that was mine where I live because I had another case against him in the state we lived it because he stole the money from the sale of the house & the judge here had no ability to deal with that. 3 years later I am divorced but still in a legal battle there....but that is not a normal situation. It usually is over easy with just the final dissolution of marriage hearing. Really easy especially when there are no marriage assets to divide

divine1966 · May 15, 2021 at 07:25 AM

You can obtain a copy of marriage certificate if need to but I don’t think you need it. Why would his lawyer have your marriage certificate. Call your county probate and family court and ask for help to file or look up forms online, fill them in and ask courts how to file it

divine1966 · May 15, 2021 at 07:30 AM

Get a no-fault 1B divorce | Mass.gov Or you do 1-a divorce if he agrees. It does ask for copy of marriage certificate, you can get a copy

Have Hope · May 15, 2021 at 07:38 AM

Thanks @eskielover and @divine1966!

That's great to know I don't need the marriage certificate to file. My husband asked for it months ago to give to his lawyer, so his lawyer has it. Since we were married in St Lucia, it could take some time to get a copy, but if I don't need it to just file, then great.

I would have to get a no-fault 1B divorce if I file. And I know my husband will drag his heels on filing with his lawyer as long as possible, so I might as well do it myself. I am going to go back online this morning to see what I need. If I still cannot figure it out, I will ask my lawyer for help.

Have Hope · May 15, 2021 at 07:42 AM

Ok, I just looked it up online - in order to file for divorce, I need a copy of my marriage certificate in my state. ARGH!

divine1966 · May 15, 2021 at 07:53 AM

Web Portal of the Government of Saint Lucia

You don’t need to be married in your state in order to be divorced in your state. Just order a copy of marriage certificate from wherever you got married 5-10 business days and you’ll have it

Have Hope · May 15, 2021 at 09:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

Web Portal of the Government of Saint Lucia

You don’t need to be married in your state in order to be divorced in your state. Just order a copy of marriage certificate from wherever you got married 5-10 business days and you’ll have it

@divine1966 Thank you!!!!

I downloaded the application and am mailing it in. There is no way to submit the form online, so I have to mail it in, which will take more time. Best that I do this regardless and not wait on my husband.

Bill3 · May 15, 2021 at 10:31 AM

Quote:

Best that I do this regardless and not wait on my husband.

I agree! Keep moving forward on the paperwork without him.

Have Hope · May 15, 2021 at 10:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill3

I agree! Keep moving forward on the paperwork without him.

@Bill3 - absolutely. I know my husband, and I'm betting he won't lift a finger to get us filed for divorce. We'll see if he actually produces the marriage certificate for me.

eskielover · May 15, 2021 at 10:54 AM

The one wanting the divorce is the one who usually does the filing whether it is no fault or otherwise. From communication you have had with your husband, he doesn't want a divorce so why would he consider filing?

ALWAYS do what you want & don't depend on others to do what you want especially when it isn't what they want

They have no incentive to do what you want or are waiting for them to do.

Have Hope · May 15, 2021 at 11:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eskielover

The one wanting the divorce is the one who usually does the filing whether it is no fault or otherwise. From communication you have had with your husband, he doesn't want a divorce so why would he consider filing?

ALWAYS do what you want & don't depend on others to do what you want especially when it isn't what they want

They have no incentive to do what you want or are waiting for them to do.

@eskielover, SO true! And I've come to realize this over time. I've been waiting on him this whole time. Granted, we were back together for 2 months recently and I just broke up with him again only 1 month ago. But it's time to file now. Enough of this waiting on him business.

eskielover · May 15, 2021 at 12:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

@eskielover, SO true! And I've come to realize this over time. I've been waiting on him this whole time. Granted, we were back together for 2 months recently and I just broke up with him again only 1 month ago. But it's time to file now. Enough of this waiting on him business.

I learned awhile ago. Never wait for someone else to do something you want done. Just do it yourself & get it done.

I tried for 33 years to get my now EX to do things, thinking he needed to learn how to do things but the things he did (mostly financial) I had to go back & clean up the mess he made anyway.

Lol.... Think that is why I love living alone cause there is no one but me to mess things up & I know what I am doing if I do. The one thing I took away from my marriage into my living alone is that I had no one to put expectations on or to try to depend on & the good thing is that it made me totally take on the responsibility for my own life & learn to TRUST my own capabilities a lot more. I get help from professionals for things I can't do myself. (My mechanic was more than willing to remove the screws on my truck tail light I was replacing because they were too rusted for me to remove with the tools I have). I limit the help I need to exactly those things I can't do or don't want to spend time doing now instead of constantly nagging the H to get it done when in reality he probably never intended on doing it in the first place.

Have Hope · May 16, 2021 at 07:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eskielover

I learned awhile ago. Never wait for someone else to do something you want done. Just do it yourself & get it done.

I tried for 33 years to get my now EX to do things, thinking he needed to learn how to do things but the things he did (mostly financial) I had to go back & clean up the mess he made anyway.

Lol.... Think that is why I love living alone cause there is no one but me to mess things up & I know what I am doing if I do. The one thing I took away from my marriage into my living alone is that I had no one to put expectations on or to try to depend on & the good thing is that it made me totally take on the responsibility for my own life & learn to TRUST my own capabilities a lot more. I get help from professionals for things I can't do myself. (My mechanic was more than willing to remove the screws on my truck tail light I was replacing because they were too rusted for me to remove with the tools I have). I limit the help I need to exactly those things I can't do or don't want to spend time doing now instead of constantly nagging the H to get it done when in reality he probably never intended on doing it in the first place.

@eskielover, thank you for your post. I used to be far more independent for a number of years, then I met my husband, and I became more and more dependent on him. We were tied to the hip. So now I must rely on only myself again. I see this as a good thing.

Have Hope · May 16, 2021 at 08:03 AM

I'm struggling with an issue. Last fall when we broke up with his infidelity being the last straw, I was able to hold him accountable for his actions, including the abuse. I finally felt I had a voice after two years of not having a voice. I was able to hold this over him for being the reason why our marriage was ending.

But now, this second go around, because he "found God" and was "so good" to me, I have no voice or power anymore. There is nothing I can hold him accountable for because he claims he's been nothing but loving and kind to me in recent months.

I know with abusers there IS no accountability, so I already know this. It won't help me if people tell me to not expect him to take responsibility because I know he will not.

What angers me is that now I am in a far more powerless position than I was before. Before, I was able to hold it over him and make him accountable, and now I don't have a leg to stand on with him. He has repeatedly told me how he's dramatically changed and how he's come before Jesus and God to make amends and to make things right with me.

I'm just really angry that I've lost the position I used to hold over him, and now I feel powerless all over again and without a voice.

With abusers, there is no accountability, and I am left feeling and experiencing the injustice of it all.

eskielover · May 16, 2021 at 08:19 AM

What do you mean you feel powerless? You have the POWER to get the divorce & end this crap once & for all. You hold ALL THE POWER & CONTROL over your own future & that is really the ONLY power that counts.

Have Hope · May 16, 2021 at 08:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eskielover

What do you mean you feel powerless? You have the POWER to get the divorce & end this crap once & for all. You hold ALL THE POWER & CONTROL over your own future & that is really the ONLY power that counts.

@eskielover thank you. I needed to hear exactly this message this morning.

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Anonymous42048 Guest Posts: n/a	May 15, 2021 at 06:40 AM #223 Have you thought about some dating or dating-like expierence? I mean it's all about him trying to make contact, playing games, and you trying to push him back. I can imagine how tired you are expierencing this.

divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,386 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	May 15, 2021 at 07:25 AM #226 You can obtain a copy of marriage certificate if need to but I don’t think you need it. Why would his lawyer have your marriage certificate. Call your county probate and family court and ask for help to file or look up forms online, fill them in and ask courts how to file it

divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,386 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	May 15, 2021 at 07:30 AM #227 Get a no-fault 1B divorce \| Mass.gov Or you do 1-a divorce if he agrees. It does ask for copy of marriage certificate, you can get a copy

Have Hope Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2017 Location: Eastern, USA Posts: 9,096 (SuperPoster!) 6 3,628 hugs given	May 15, 2021 at 07:42 AM #229 Ok, I just looked it up online - in order to file for divorce, I need a copy of my marriage certificate in my state. ARGH! __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes

divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,386 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	May 15, 2021 at 07:53 AM #230 Web Portal of the Government of Saint Lucia You don’t need to be married in your state in order to be divorced in your state. Just order a copy of marriage certificate from wherever you got married 5-10 business days and you’ll have it