The ending of my relationship

Thanks @eskielover. Your personal story gives me hope and inspiration. I am really looking forward to getting to the point where he's not on my mind at all and doesn't even cross my mind. Until then, I will keep redirecting my thoughts away from him so that I do not dwell in the negative. That's precisely what I wish to avoid at this point - swimming in negative thoughts of the past vs thinking positively about my present and bright future.

I never got that far with the guy I had in my life. Glad you got that out of him at least. That there was some persistence lol, with trying to explain so many times.




Thanks for this post. I agree he knew how to try and manipulate people to get them to focus on him. Really good that you didn't let him do that anymore. And this post, yeah, I like your attitude and I said thanks for it because I want to feel the same way (not about him because I'm past him but my other traumatic relationship because I'm still dealing with that one sometimes from time to time and I had to process more about it recently so this topic is very timely for me). I think I've already started doing it about this other relationship (not romantic), i.e turning away from the negatives and focusing on the positive in the present and in the future, but your post gives me good energy anyway.

He still tries to blame me, however.

And thanks.

Sometimes we just have to push forward and focus on all the good things in life vs our hurts and pains from the past. The joy burns out the pain.

Sooooooooooo..... please don't come down on me for this since it's the last thing I need. But yesterday he had to pick up more belongings from my home (yes, there were a couple more boxes I found in our attic space), and I last minute decided to come outside to greet him. We haven't seen each other since breaking up over a month ago because I have refused to see him. The motivation to do so now was to finally see him and face him after the breakup.

We talked for about 20 minutes - most of it was Ok and amicable. But when we began talking about us, which inevitably he brought up, it wasn't so amicable. He told me that I cannot get over the past, and that's why we broke up. So of course, he's still throwing the blame my way by saying you're the one who cannot get past things. So I turned it around on him and told him: you caused too much damage for 2.5 years of our relationship for me to move forward.

So, of course, we're playing the blame game, with him still clearly not taking responsibility for our marriage ending. What can I expect? Nothing from him except blame. Of course he blames me; otherwise, he would have to own up to all of the abuse and that would shatter his already frail ego and false image.

I also asked him if he's in therapy yet, and of course the answer is no. He won't ever go, I am sure of it, despite ALL his clams that he will.

So today I feel some amount of peace after having seen him, and I feel I did the right thing by doing so. I wished him well, and I wished his father well. I feel good about it. I finally took the high road and I feel that's a better place to be than feeling bitter and angry.

And.... I last minute received a ticket for a concert with a whole group of our mutual friends for Friday night. I told him I am going, and even though he doesn't know I'll be with probably around 20 of our friends, he tried to get me to feel badly for him by telling me he's only going with one friend and that he won't be mingling with any other friends. What a total manipulator. And for a minute, I felt guilty until I realized that's exactly what he was trying to achieve. He has plenty of friends - he has a huge circle of good friends, while I do not and he knows this. He even went last weekend to spend time with some of his closest friends, and he had dinner at another friend's home last week. He's making it seem like there's no one for him to hang out with, when it's sooo not even the case. He truly astounds me how manipulative he is - each and every time. He will do anything to pull on my heartstrings to guilt me into feeling sorry for him. Well, I don't. He's got plenty of friends around, so don't even try to make me feel guilty. I'm the one who is more alone than he is.

I don't know anyone who regrets taking the high road in the long run. You chose what makes you feel peaceful. That's a great choice to make!

Sometimes there are reasons to have controlled contact. And it sounds like you were the one in control. Keep moving forward to your peaceful happy future.

@RollercoasterLover, thank you! It does feel better to take the high road! Whenever I've been badly hurt in the past, I've ended things very bitterly. This time is different, and I feel good about my decision to see him last night. It kind of tied a nice bow on the whole relationship, and I can now pack it up into a box and send it down the river.

I am open to new adventures and new friends and am excited for my future.

He won't go to therapy and even if he did, don't expect him to change substantially in the next 10 years or so.

I don't know if I'd wish anyone well or assume such nice things like maybe they are going to therapy, if they had done enough terrible things.

In such a case my goal would only be, not be bitter and angry about the rest of the world. But stay angry about the terrible, immoral things committed, to keep up boundaries about such things in future. I don't mean the anger would have to be expressed (or if expressed it would have to be controlled enough), it's simply my own feeling inside, to protect me.

But that's me. Maybe you deal with these things differently. I agree, don't become bitter/angry about the whole world just because of him. To me, that's enough of a high road. Some people never get over their negativity from such experiences and will project them into other situations and people instead.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alive99 He won't go to therapy and even if he did, don't expect him to change substantially in the next 10 years or so. I don't know if I'd wish anyone well or assume such nice things like maybe they are going to therapy, if they had done enough terrible things. In such a case my goal would only be, not be bitter and angry about the rest of the world. But stay angry about the terrible, immoral things committed, to keep up boundaries about such things in future. I don't mean the anger would have to be expressed (or if expressed it would have to be controlled enough), it's simply my own feeling inside, to protect me. But that's me. Maybe you deal with these things differently. I agree, don't become bitter/angry about the whole world just because of him. To me, that's enough of a high road. Some people never get over their negativity from such experiences and will project them into other situations and people instead.

I tend to agree with this probably only because I am still being messed up by the STUPID choices my now EX has made that are still screwing up my life financially & I have been divorced 3 years now though the marriage assets were never resolved in the still pending court case.

I actually had an interesting & civil conversation. With him 3 years ago when I was there for the court hearing. Civil but my concept of him making STUPID choices has never been changed only reinforced. You can be civil & still dislike their behavior & everything still reinforce that being outtake the marriage was a very WISE decision. Lol....I can be civil to people I don't even like & my EX is an example of that though before I left 14 years ago all I saw was literally RED when I had to deal with him.

It was kinda entertaining when I went back, I found out from him that in his arrogant mind when I left 14 years ago, he was sure I would come back to him in 2 years. Like he thought I was having a mid life crisis or something. He said when I didn't come back in 2 years he guessed he did have something to do with my leaving. Ya think!!!! Just proved that he really NEVER heard any of the things I said was wrong in the marriage & thought by magic the problems would disappear because we weren't together. Some people are fools & will be fools all their life...in his case, even with a PDOC & therapy.

It is nice to end things on a positive note but he is going to have a rude awakening still because of his poor choices & a contempt charge is nothing to be messed around with in his case. There comes a point where the consequences of his poor choices are going to smack him over the head & given all the crap I have dealt with, I feel no guilt in making it happen.....while I seriously love my life & the community I live in but he has tied my hands financially as long as I am willing to tolerate.

Be glad you never owned a house together.

Yes. When the damage is long lasting, you can't just forget about it quickly. It's a lesson learned for life.

I can be civil to people even when I'm angry inside. With well-controlled anger this is easy enough to do. I would think that kind of civility is very different from being outright nice and kind and well-wishing.

With people with bad behaviour patterns (abuser or not), they could have their bad, harmful past behaviours reinforced if you act too nice and kind with them. This is independent of whether they intentionally want to be reinforced about them or not. Could be a totally unintentional and automatic effect.

Also, acting nice, kind, well-wishing in my opinion poses a risk for keeping proper, distant enough boundaries and protecting from further harm.

To guys, kindness could even inadvertently send a message that you are still open to something with them. It's not direct enough for many guys. (I'm not talking about your husband, he's already learned over the years that you are NOT coming back)

Oh and you only seeing RED...familiar to me, ha ha, I had that phase myself with such people. I get what you mean. It feels great when you become able to control that anger and are able to behaviours that are constructive for your goals and maintain healthy boundaries and all that, despite feeling angry.

Ha ha ha good. I've wondered before if the guy I did the No Contact with figured out eventually that I was just not going to come back.

Yeah sounds like a lot of pain in the ****** with him. Good luck with dealing with him.

This has been such a long time coming and such a long process that I am pretty much over the bitterness I used to feel. I am not really angry anymore and I am not really bitter anymore. It is what it is and it's now over. I can finally move on in my life and can make it far better for myself now. That's something to celebrate.

Having said that, today I felt enormous waves of sadness. Seeing him again was like the final goodbye. And now I feel the grief.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope Having said that, today I felt enormous waves of sadness. Seeing him again was like the final goodbye. And now I feel the grief.

I found it personally helped me to put definition to those grief feelings I felt.....grief has stages....always a personal benefit to "for yourself" define those feelings more in depth within yourself

Well, I've been through the anger and rage phase.... I've cried and I've grieved already... and now it's more acceptance that it's really over and it's hitting home to the point of feeling an overall sadness. I am sure that this phase too shall pass.

I did have a guy friend contact me out of the blue. We slept together once about three years ago before I met my husband on a random whim one night. I had known him as a friend for years. So out of the blue he contacts me, telling me he had a dream about me the other night, One thing led to another in our conversation, and now I may be seeing him next week. An interesting turn of events, to say the least.

I would just beware of doing anything that could be held against you in divorce court before your divorce is final. Be WISE.

Oh, I live in a state where that kind of thing doesn't hold water legally. And my husband doesn't know this person or any of this person's crowd. Entirely separate, so he would never know or find out.

I don’t believe going on dates makes a difference here unless minor children are involved. In general dating new people while being vulnerable and contemplating divorce is not a good idea, but not for that reason. I don’t think it will make a difference in divorce proceedings though. Courts don’t care about it

I still hold with the be WISE statement & I'm sticking to it....lol

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966 I don’t believe going on dates makes a difference here unless minor children are involved. In general dating new people while being vulnerable and contemplating divorce is not a good idea, but not for that reason. I don’t think it will make a difference in divorce proceedings

Exactly.....the word vulnerable is KEY.

Oh absolutely. It’s very wise to take one’s time with such things.