The ending of my relationship

That’s pathetic!!

I guess it comes down to that no one can tell you what to do. Only you can make a decision when you feel sure and are ready.

If you are truly done now, fine. If there is still back and forth, be gentle with yourself. It takes two to tango. He is doing the dance with you.

Have you had difficulty ending past relationships? Was there back/forth?

I’ve typically gone back to relationships one more time after a blowout, so this isn’t unusual.

But I’m truly done. I only fell back in with him because I was in a bad place in my life and was vulnerable. Now that I’m more stable, I can see things more clearly again.

He keeps repeating himself - that supporting me, loving me and being there for me over the last 2 months was all for naught. If he’s trying to instill guilt in me, it’s not working. I now 100% see that I must take care of myself, and that it’s imperative I do for my own survival and mental health. He negatively impacts me. I cannot afford to be hospitalized again, or traumatized again so that I end up in the hospital. Plus my eating disorder has once again dissipated since I broke up with him a second time. This is for my health.

I saw the couples therapist on my own the other night. I told him I’ve lost myself, so he asked me questions about my life to try and revive a sense of self. He’s good. He intuitively knew what I needed, though I do want to process my relationship with him.

With my husband, I don’t truly matter. My feelings do not matter, my needs do not matter, and most everything I say I need gets ignored. I can’t live like that. I need to have my stated needs met and my opinions heard. He’s a true narcissist, and I see this more clearly than ever.

Even after breaking up with him this time, he continues to bombard me with how he feels, ignoring the fact that I’ve said I’ll never trust him and that far too much damage has been done. He’s still trying to convince me, despite this.

He’s such a self centered a-hole, and I don’t have the energy to engage or argue. The last time he told me it was all for naught, I ignored it. I just can’t keep going there with him - I’ve said all there is to say. Since he chooses to ignore it, that’s not my fault or responsibility.

I think I hate him all over again. I feel sick that I fell for his BS one more time. On average, it takes seven times to leave an abuser. For me, it was three times.

Perhaps he needs to be blocked and all communication should go through lawyers. He keeps writing because he knows you are reading it. It might be best to not read his rants.

I don’t have a lawyer anymore. I cannot afford the additional fees. I hired a lawyer to negotiate the divorce agreement only, which should be all set now unless my husband decides to make additional changes.

The only things we have to communicate about are taxes and two more boxes of his belongings that he missed when moving out.

Engaging with an abuser is like going to the zoo and arguing, trying to explain yourself to the monkeys. Abusers are emotional vampires....they want and NEED you to keep explaining yourself and responding to their abuse. It is a never-ending cycle.

This couldn’t be more true. That’s exactly what it feels like!

Tell him in one single message, no back and forth needed, that boxes of his stuff will be outside the door until noon on Saturday. After that it gets pitched. It could actually be pitched now. I thought the deadline for him to move stuff was like in the winter. At this point I’d file taxes separately to minimize interaction. Of course it’s up to you but it’s going on for too long and effects your mental health.

I just discovered the boxes the other day buried in our attic space. I will definitely minimize contact from now on.

Most family courts have mediators for preventing domestic violence or even just to help commu inaction during a conflict filled time. A mediator doesn't necessarily negotiate on your behalf, but are simply present with you as you negotiate the last bits. They can also help offer a compromise that meets state law. Using the court mediator put him on his best behavior and helped me feel safe. In my state it was a free service.

As for personal belongings, if you make a mediation appointment, bring the items along and make the exchange with a neutral 3rd party watching. It certainly limited my ex's options for name calling and verbally assaulting me.

I hope things go smoothly and quietly for you.

Yeah, give him a reasonable deadline for picking up the stuff you’ve found recently - make this the final opportunity for him to pick his stuff up. You could sell/pitch anything else you find later on, rather than contact him again. If there was anything he’d desperately wanted to keep with him, he’d likely have already dug it out and taken it. And if there was something he wanted but didn’t dig out? It’s just going to be collateral damage when you purge his belongings from your space. Consequences!

And his point is?

It is a revealing comment in that he is saying that supporting you isn't just out of love for you but rather so as to gain something for himself.

If he didn’t ask for those boxes, he likely has no need for them. It’s nice of you to worry about him getting his stuff but he had since November and if it was anything of value he’d pick it up. He still has stuff at his ex wives. That’s how he keeps foot in the door. Annoying. Take to Salvation Army

Thanks everyone!

I do want the boxes out ASAP. He will want them, I know. One has family photo albums. He just didn’t see them before because they were underneath my own stuff in our storage. He’s coming Monday after work to pick up tax papers so I’ll have him take the boxes then. That way, it will be the last of it and there no further reason for him to come to my home.

As far as safety goes, there’s no reason for a mediator or anything like that. We’re more amicable than that and there’s no threat of violence.

@Bill3, you make a really good point about his motives! He did sound like he was trying to gain something for himself! I didn’t see it that way at first, but I do see your point. Of course everything is about him getting what HE needs, so of course his so called loving gestures toward me are really in order to gain something for himself. Grrrr...

I am so resentful of him right now.

You knew that six months ago ...

And..? This sounds insensitive. Have you read the thread?

Yeah. What I mean by that is there is no surpirse here. Narc is a narc. Didnt mean to sound insesnsitive.

Well she knew before they even got married but so what. Most people know that their relationship sucks early on but most people still stick around.

When we are lonely, we tend to be in denial.

Now she didn’t stay that long. She was out after just a year and a half of marriage. Many people stay miserable with wrong people for way longer and some spend their whole life in denial. So I think Hope got the real picture pretty quick

Thanks.. he made such grand promises, I tried to believe him but the whole time deep down I did not believe it.