The ending of my relationship

I was never in denial. I chose to move forward for specific reasons just before the wedding when I realized full on he was abusive. It wasn’t loneliness then either. It was not wanting to lose eight thousand dollars. I was also stuck in an apartment lease and had no way to move out and neither did he. I moved forward, hoping for the best but I saw trouble and certainly wasn’t in denial.

Oh ok. My bad.

I didn’t know you stayed with him for those reasons. I thought you could still stay on the lease and go on vacation together but not be married if you know he is abusive. Always easier to get out. I never thought those would be the reasons!

Lease and money spent on vacation is unusual reason to get married, but heck I did some strange things in life myself. I can sure say I was in denial several times in my life!

Yeah.. at the time I also really wanted to get married. I was 48 and tired of dating. Lots of reasons, really. At the time I thought I was being practical. I also couldn’t deal with a breakup then. Too much to get into and it’s neither here nor there. We’re divorcing and I’ve left him.. that’s what matters now.

He’s been silent the last day or two, with only one text and call to let me know his father was rushed to the hospital for an emergency blood transfusion.

I had asked my husband to keep me posted about his father. What I meant was not every time he goes back to the hospital, but if he actually dies. I didn’t want to be completely calloused towards him after he supported me through work and a hospitalization.

But do I want every update? NO.

I did this out of having a heart, now I’m regretting it because it keeps us in touch.

Sometimes we get small gifts when we want big gifts. Every gift is a blessing. (Fortune cookie fortune I've kept for 8 years)

Maybe this small gift of minimal communication only about what you asked is what you need and you don't know it yet.

Yes agreed. I do need distance from him again. Last night I let loose on him, and it’s because we were communicating. We were in touch yesterday over a concert. He was going so I chose not to go. Then all my anger came out towards him. Best to just not communicate at all.

I feel very shaky this morning. I think my husband is dragging his heels on the divorce paperwork. This means I may have to hire a lawyer again to file for divorce myself, but I really don’t have the money. I’m pissed that his lawyer hasn’t gotten back to me and over the fact that my husband is playing innocent as though he has nothing to do with it.

So I let loose on him, and all my anger that I haven’t expressed to him over the last two months came out. I feel out of control and I don’t like that.

I wish I could just gray rock him but it’s too hard for me. I react and I react strongly. My anger towards him is deep.

Yesterday was a bad day. Being alone during this time is very tough.

It’s Spring and the weather isn’t showing it - it’s been windy and cold. I want to be outside again, doing my favorite outdoor activities like roller blading or kayaking.

I did manage to see a concert Friday night and some friends on Saturday. I hung out at my friends’ home sat afternoon, but I wasn’t myself. I’m still not fully recovered mental health-wise. I’m still shaky and uncertain of myself. I made an off colored comment to my friends and I felt like total crap about it the whole day on Sunday. It wasn’t like me to say something like that and I felt really badly. I tried to apologize to my friend on Sunday and she didn’t reply.

I need friends and trying to reconnect with friends after several years of being away is a little hard while going through a divorce. These aren’t my closest friends - they’re party friends I’ve spent time with over many years hanging out and partying at their beach home during the summers. She did say she would go kayaking with me in June. I hope she still wants to, after my off colored comment.

Abuse takes a toll. I am not my normal happy upbeat self. I’m drained, insecure, ungrounded and wobbly. I need to get myself back again and I’m impatient about it though I realize it’s going to take time.

I’m holding in all my anger with very few outlets.

I’m feeling sorry for myself. I don’t want to sit and wallow in self pity. I want to feel and be more positive that life will turn around, that I will find a healthy love, that new friendships will form and that I will live a full and healthier life and be happy again. Right now I don’t feel that way. I’m going to try.

It takes time. Any change does. But you had several issues all at once. So it’s understandable you aren’t fully yourself.

We have a ton of meetups here, I bet bunch in where you at. There are many outdoors ones, kayaking, hiking and what not. As well as other social groups. I’ve met some good friends in a meetup group. Sometimes you might just need new friends. They are reopening activities now. I know it’s tough with covid but more and more people of my age and in my circles are vaccinated so we feel safe to resume some activities. Especially outdoors.

Thanks! My mom suggested meetups to me just last night. I need to do something to mix and mingle and meet new people for sure. I mean, I have friends but I want and need more friends who are local to me. Those local I can count on one hand.

And yes... I must give myself a break. I’ve definitely been through a lot lately - I shouldn’t expect the world from myself right away.

Having been away from him for three months made me somewhat forget all the nuances of his abuse. Having been with him for the last two months has reminded me of his shadiness and sneaky behaviors. He is so dishonest. I think it’s a way of life for him.

Yup. Way of life.

Sadly some people just are that way and they see nothing wrong with it. You can’t change their ways. That’s who they are

That’s in their core: cheating on taxes, manipulating books, committing welfare fraud, returning used items, switching tags, manipulating people for monetary gains etc These are all same categories of unethical shady people with no moral compass.

Sadly he is kind of one of them. Good riddance

You’ve had such a rough time lately, as divine1966 said. It’s understandable that you feel how you do right now. Just take things one day at a time and you’ll be back to kicking butt before you know it! You’re a survivor and will thrive again

Not to mention coercing their spouse to do cocaine on their wedding day!

Yes, sadly he is one of them. I cannot believe I married such a shady character.

Thank you, dear @RoxanneToto.

It's helpful to hear this - I am a survivor, and I will thrive again - very true words! I've been knocked down so many times, but I always get up.

Shady people often appear quite convincing and sweet on the surface. Otherwise how would they get what they want? Not saying he is a con artist but they are always very charismatic.

Some people think they are just entitled (maybe raised that way) and nothing would stop them from trying to get what they think they are entitled for. When people catch on to it, they look for new victims. In your husbands case he also has substance abuse issue. Cocaine isn’t a joke.

You’ll be fine. Just need time to heal.

He is charismatic - he's a salesman and can get people to do what he wants all the time at work.

And in the last few months, he's borrowed money from me, his roommate and his mother. Probably all to support a coke and drug habit, I am sure. I bet he kept a lot secret from me, including using porn when he knew I will not stand for that in a relationship/marriage.

He is ALL sweetness on the surface - pretending to be mr. generous, mr kind and mr good guy. It makes me ill in knowing what's really beneath the surface. A wolf in sheep's clothing.

And he is VERY entitled. He does as he likes, without any care of how it effects someone else. He is without conscience.

I think he IS a con artist - he conned me into believing he is an honest, FAITHFUL and eternally loving man. These are the things he told me he is in the beginning, and he is NOT any of these things.

I am SO glad I ended things again. SO glad.

Yes, this is going to take time.

I am really taken aback by how unconscionable and how much of a liar my narcissist husband is - on the surface, he is sweet, generous, loving and kind, but beneath that, he's a wolf in sheep's clothing.

He cheated and he lied. He lied numerous times to me - I think he lied a lot more than I even know about. When we first met, he told that he would never make me cry, hurt me, or cheat on me. And I believed him - yet, he did ALL THREE.

HOW in the world can someone behave this way? Be nice on the surface, yet be a mean, cruel, two-faced, lying, cheating bastard in reality?

Ain't that hard, lady. Takes some trauma combined with messed-up genes and no helping hand in early stages of life and its done.