The ending of my relationship

What do you want from him and how can we help you get it?

I guess it’s that even on his best behavior he was still abusive, crossing my boundaries and ignoring my stated needs and requests. He won’t acknowledge this and thinks he was mr Golden boy husband over the last 2 months, but he wasn’t. He constantly shoved his feelings at me, leaving no room for mine. He pushed the relationship on me constantly, despite me saying several times that I needed him to go slowly. He practically moved himself back in within a matter of weeks! Then In therapy when I told him I am still very angry with him over his abuse and infidelity, he completely ignored it!

I feel like anything I said and asked was just completely dismissed. When I hear on here that I give him too much power, the truth is, he gave me no power at all by ignoring everything I stated and needed.

I guess I need to find other places besides with him where I can feel empowered again and need suggestions. I had NO voice in this relationship, and therefore, I feel really disempowered right now.

You know it’s foolish and futile to expect an abuser to validate and take responsibility for it. He never will. You don’t need any validation from anyone aside from yourself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope I'm seeking valIdation right now, not logical reasoning. I cannot be validated by him, so I am looking for validation here right now. I do know all this in my logical mind - I am dealing with the emotions of it. Telling me I give him too much power feels like criticism when I'm already very low and feel disempowered. I am seeking empowerment, not criticism. I need to be lifted up.

Maybe your logical thinking is what is in need of validation rather than the emotions. Feelings are just that....feelings, NOT FACTS. Sometimes self validation works best for emotions because we need to accept in our own mind that our feelings are accurate for the circumstances for what we are experiencing. When our emotions override our logicical thinking we create our own problems & when emotions do not speak the truth others will not validate them when they speak against what truth is. Emotions being validated is one thing, validating wrong thinking is a whole other thing

Maybe I’m really sensitive today, but what is going on here? Are you angry over something? I’m not foolish... I’ve been abused. Why am I getting beaten up on my own thread? I give up. Maybe I’ll just close the thread.

Yes, precisely! My logical thinking needs validation. But I also need emotional validation too. He didn’t listen to me for the last two months. I feel completely powerless against him and without a voice. He chooses to hear what he wants and ignored everything important to me.

I’m not taking constructive feedback well today. It’s hitting me the wrong way. I am weakened by life lately and I’ve been through far too much. I cannot be beaten up any further. I’m done with life,

I didn’t say that to insult you at all. You are very sensitive. I’ll bow out.

Your logical thoughts are VERY valid and normal. Logically speaking, abusers do not validate emotions or normal logical thought. I believe that you have likely said everything and done everything you can to this point.
I can only tell you what worked for me when I was in a similar situation. I gave myself permission to grieve the loss of a relationship. I gave myself permission to want better than the relationship where I wasn't important, loved or treated with respect.
I gave myself permission to feel anger and I self validated my anger. I crushed and broke things at my local recycling center and gave my anger a voice. Eventually., after saying everything I was angry at my abuser for doing, saying, I said out loud I was angry at myself for not standing up for myself sooner and for believing my abuser for 20 years. That's when I worked on forgiving myself.

I hope the hurt you feel fades quickly. I hope the emotional validation you need comes to you. I hope that you can accept my thanks for reminding me how far I have come in my own journey to healing from abuse. I have no doubt that you will heal with time.

Thank you, dear!! This is MOST helpful!!!! What you did for yourself is exactly what I need to do for myself. This is exactly what I needed to hear today, so I thank you with all my heart!

Yes today I feel especially sensitive, as I wrote above. I think sometimes you project what you’re experiencing or feeling from your own relationship onto me. Not sure if that was the case at all today, I’m just saying I think it happens from time to time.

I think I’ll bow out myself for a while. I’m feeling beaten up overall. Bye for now.

Ok, that didn't last long. I am back and need to get this off my chest.

He texted a barrage of texts yesterday - hoovering types of texts, begging me to come back to him. He keeps claiming he's come to Jesus and God to atone for the way he's treated me. He's prayed to God to take his life if he doesn't make me happy for the rest of my life. He keeps saying he's changed dramatically because he lost me and while we were apart for three months. Of course, two weeks after our break up, he still has not begun any therapy for himself. It's all words and just talk.

But I stood my ground, barely responded, and gave only a brief one-sentence reply: "NO" is what I said. He continued to barrage me with texts, while I was working. I didn't reply.

He will not wear me down this time - not this time. He doesn't listen to the fact that I've said I cannot live with the constant mistrust and that I will never truly trust him again. I've stated this several times to him since we broke up again. But does he listen to me or believe me? NO, and it's infuriating. I want to slap him. He just keeps trying to convince me instead.

And I feel it mostly comes from loneliness. He is alone without his roommate these days, he lives far out of town in the middle of nowhere, and he spends his nights alone in his apartment.

I am NOT giving in and I will NOT reply to these texts anymore. I hope he got the message yesterday with my minimal engagement and my brief reply.

It's just maddening - a while back, he hoovered me for several months, I was in a vulnerable place and needed support, so I caved and gave into it. Not this time.

He's just a big fat liar is what he is - and he's all talk and no action. Like hell he's changed.

He managed to ask you for money more than once while separated and despite the fact that you were out of work for awhile and should be the last person to be giving people money. . No shame. That’s enough reason to be done with him.

Pray to G-d to take his life sounds so unnecessarily dramatic. Who speaks like that. Is he even Christian? All of a sudden he is praying to Jesus. .

He just throws stuff at you in hopes something would stick

You're sooooo right. He throws ANYTHING at me hoping it will stick! It' sickening the lengths he will go to to try and convince me to stay with him.

He doesn't have any shame. I couldn't believe he asked me for money again. I think I mentioned that he also borrowed money from his roommate and his mother. I am sure it's to support a secret coke habit or drug habit of some kind.

He's Jewish by the way. And yes, he's completely over the top overly dramatic. Everything is dramatic with him. "I cannot live or breathe without you" he says. "I am destitute without you." Get real. He can live without me. He's just freaking lonely. Give it a couple weeks and he'll be fine, I am sure. He just misses his creature comforts that I provided. I see right through him. He cannot BS me any longer.

Destitute? Meaning broke? Sounds about right.

Hahahhahaahaa. YEP!

I truly hope things get better for you. The emotional tornado he's creating can be devastating.
I can relate to the barage of phone calls. If I may offer a simple suggestion, change his contact name to "do not reply" or something that reminds you to disengage. I dated someone for a few weeks a few years ago who I called "tornado warning" and eventually "Satan's competition".

Stay strong and focus on your life.

LOL - you're sooo funny!!

I should do just that! Seriously, the barrage yesterday was crazy! And they all seem alike!

He's leaving me alone today, so that's good at least!!

I just caught a fraudulent credit card charge and wondered if my husband still has a photo of my credit card saved. He may have made the charge. I haven't used this card in ages. Unless someone hacked into my account somehow. I reported it, canceled the card and am getting a new one.