The ending of my relationship

Hey, I'm back on the forum after a few months and like I said in my response to your earlier post, I was going to check out your thread ...So I've read some of your newer thread here. I'm sorry to hear this guy is still giving you a hard time. And that's an understatement. I think you are getting good advice here But I wanted to say that the post I quoted above is familiar to me. This is the state that I was left in after that guy I talked of in my thread (where we talked before).

I think you said you weren't this low before with other guys. Maybe it is with it being your first marriage at your age. Maybe it's why it went so deep and that is why it's so hard to get past it all and maybe you are also ready to really learn about some deep patterns from it all. I don't know, these are just my thoughts after reading your threads. I am just trying to say, I understand it's hard and well-meaning outsiders may see the full situation correctly from the outside but while we are inside it all, in the "bubble" and in all the unprocessed details and patterns of the experience it's very different than for outsiders. It's very different acutally having to go through all that and having to find our way through it all and out of the whole bubble and the situation.

I wish you luck with getting through it all and getting out of it in time before he possibly gets you even lower with all his extreme and remorseless emotional manipulations. And I said remorseless, yes, I still feel like he's a psychopath with how far he's willing to go with the emotional manipulations. I felt that before and I still have that feeling. Psychopaths do suck people dry and make them low like that, too. I saw your thread on the hospital (though I didn't have time to read it all yet). So things like that also make me think of how bad his emotional manipulations must be.

And in my case, it's taken more than 3 years to be decently over it (still not 100% over it but much better), after I went No Contact and that was with No Contact remaining in place, not breaking it, I got lucky with making him go away like he must have been so offended that he would never try and come back and pull me in again. That saved me because if I had got pushed lower then I'd have been def even more weakened than I was and I was very weakened and I still feel a lot of it even tho I got better.

I don't know how well I am reading your situation overall in an objective way but I just feel like I relate in a subjective way. So yes, I wish you luck very much. I'll hope I'll be able to be on the forum more and follow your thread again.

And I so wanted to post to this one too. I have exactly the same problem. I am establishing boundaries around all these people now, one by one. It's been so painful figuring this out and establishing the boundaries. You remember my thread is titled about vampires? These people are sorta all like vampires even if they don't all do it intentionally, even if they are not always psychopaths.

And again, I find it shocking how similar all this is again with me, how much I can relate to your posts with all that. And I think of this other person who I used to know (she's very busy now and I was too), she was exploited and traumatised deeply by a psychopath, she got very bad PTSD from it. I am thinking of her here because she was also a strong person and that's why the guy wanted to take advantage of her. She, even years later, still was being manipulated by the psychopath. And she still thought nice things about that guy. It wasn't easy for her also because they did live together. I didn't live together with that guy. That was my luck really. But I still had intrusive thoughts years later too about how he had nice stuff. Even if my common sense, sane brain, all that knew that that is b*******. It was why it was so intrusive. But it's possible to move on. The intrusiveness stopped for me eventually and I started healing more and more. Just an incredibly slow process. The guy in my case may not even have been a psychopath but manipulative definitely. Yours sounds like a psychopath alright. I would say, please focus on completely removing him, complete No Contact, and then you can truly start healing.

I again wish you luck with that, with No Contact and then healing without further hindrances. And yes, setting up those new boundaries!! With your friends or "friends". That is completely part of healing is what I'm finding.

Perhaps try "regular" listening lines such as:

Caring Contact - We're Here To Listen

@Alive99, thank you, and yes, when you're in it, it's a very different situation than when looking at it from the outside.

I don't know if he's a psychopath, but he's certainly narcissistic and he's sucking me dry. HIs manipulations are quite extreme!

Thank you, again. I have trouble with boundaries because I am a people pleaser and I don't like to create conflict.

I am having trouble right now at work because of one woman with whom I must create strong boundaries - it's very challenging and draining for me.

I am drained all around. It's hard for me to write at length right now in reply because I am SO drained in general.

Here's to our healing process.

Thanks for this, @Bill3.

A difficulty I face and which I described to my abuse advocate last night: I am conflicted about asking my husband about his failing father's health from time to time. If I don't, then I look like a calloused a-hole to all our friends, and if I do, it invites more contact between us. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, and I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.

So, I reached out last night to ask, and he said his father is now supposed to move out of the hospital to a rehab facility, but no rehab facility wants to take him. They say it takes too much "man power" to take care of him. The truth is his father is very abusive to staff, and I suspect this is also a reason why they won't take him.

Anyways, I feel I must do the right thing here - and the right thing to do is to check on his dying father and to show compassion from time to time.

I know people here say don't worry about what my friends think - but it's important to me to not be more isolated and alone than I already am... I don't want any judgements right now in my life. What matters most to me is what I think and what I need in my life. And I need my friends.

Oh these boundary issues yeah...I'm thinking, if you are able to focus on just doing exactly that and no more, what you decided in advance, in this case it's checking up on what's going on with the dying father,... then that is a way to keep boundaries and not get sucked into more contact and manipulative emotions. But I think it definitely means it's going to a burden, requiring lots of efforts to keep up the boundaries in the face of all that, and you would have to calculate the costs of this burden in your life. This is what I am realising myself about keeping boundaries around the people who try to drain me by default.


To respond to your other post, I thought of this guy as a psychopath because of the irresponsible and parasitic life style on top of the shallow emotions & manipulations.

Nothing wrong with asking how the father is doing but the reasoning behind it is confusing. How do you appear callous to your friends? How would they even know what you ask your husband? They are not omnipotent mind readers. My or my husbands friends wouldn’t know if I ask him this or that. Even my very best friend doesn’t know what I tell or ask my husband. Even if you ask how his father is doing he could still tell your friends that you didn’t ask.

I think if you want to maintain good friendships you should ask how their parents are doing and be good friends for them, I don’t see how asking your husband questions ensures that they keep you as a friend. It’s not their business what you talk to him about.

21 Tips to Stop Being a People-Pleaser

I think this is a good resource.

If I were your friend in real life, I’d be understanding if I knew you didn’t ask about your husband’s father - on paper, it’s not a situation I’d want to keep any ties to myself. They likely would be understanding too, if they knew.
I think it is like you said before, it is different when you’re still in the situation rather than outside looking in, so I can also understand why you’re trying to manage these boundaries rather than just go no contact. I’d still say going NC would help you more in the long term.
I do get a sense that the light at the end of this tunnel is getting closer, though.

I agree too that going NC would help Have Hope more. But since they haven't completed the official divorce process yet I can understand if that's hard. Though the option of only communicating through the lawyer would work too...?

You said it, on a couple of fronts. He is parasitic and irresponsible! So far, I've been able to maintain the boundaries pretty well, but it is burdensome. I just feel asking about his father periodically is the humane thing to do.

Because he could retaliate if I piss him off and tell everyone that he supported me for two months through several crises, then I broke up with him and never asked him about his dying father. It matters to me.

@divine1966, thanks for this!

Thank you for understanding!

The key wording is "... if they knew".

I no longer have a lawyer and cannot afford one.

It is hard since the divorce is not final... we have yet to even file for divorce!

I am looking into how to file on my own, since his own lawyer is dragging his heels, although, I missed the one time per month window yesterday to call "Dial a Lawyer" in my state yesterday. My therapist told me last night that I can go directly to the court and work with a lawyer there on how to file for divorce. I want to get this going ASAP, so I will likely need to file on my own.

Other life issues are taking precedence right now though.

I get it, but he could say all kind of nasty things regardless if you ask about his father. He could lie for all you know. He could say you didn’t ask even if you did or you didn’t ask enough or you ask because you have a secret agenda secretly wanting him back or he could say you manipulate him by asking and giving him false hopes and you send him mixed messages. I am pretty sure he’ll use your phone calls as a sign to keep trying to keep this marriage going.

The point is that you can’t let him control your life. Even if you two get divorced, he could still be bad mouthing you to people (sadly many people do and some keep going years after divorce). Heck he said some nasty things about his ex and continued bad mouthing her and likely spoke poorly of her to friends too, not just to you. He could do the same to you or maybe he won’t. You really don’t know,

So does it mean you are on the hook for life being scared what he’ll do or say?

No - not on the hook for life. And I do see your point. To date, no one has come back to me saying he is talking nasty about me.. YET. He'll probably say nasty things as soon as I can actually file for divorce. I know it's something I have zero control over, and right now, I am attempting to think I have some control when in fact, I have no control.

Hi!

I am new here and don't know where to start but i read your post and I am sorry your going thru this. I am in the process of starting a divorce and I am a mess. I can relate to a lot of what you said but especially the anger and what to do with it and journaling. I feel the same way thre is so much anger and pain and hurt. I don;t even know where to start. your post made me feel not alone. Thank you for sharing. I wish you the best!