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divine1966
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Default May 25, 2021 at 05:06 AM
  #321
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Originally Posted by RollercoasterLover View Post
This is what you posted about a month ago.
I hope you will reread your thread and talk to your abuse advocate and therapist about the current situation.

I've had that high lust fueled chemistry in the past. It's intoxicating, but it isn't real love. Lust has no judgement to make good decisions. You need to make the good decisions for yourself.

Ftr, I don't think you are stupid. I think the dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin released in your brain when you are in his presence are clouding your rational thoughts.
Amount of dopamine and serotonin and oxytocin released are directly correlated with how wrong the guy is as a partner. Cant stay away, love of my life, madly in love, intense chemistry, can’t move on from him was exactly the same Hope felt for abusive homeless addict man, then some other inappropriate man after and likely other men before that.

It seems more abusive and wrong they are, more intense is the lust and infatuation

And it’s not abnormal to feel this way. Our bodies respond to familiar. Unfortunately what’s familiar here is constant drama, abuse, struggle, all kind unhealthy things. But these emotions and these attractions aren’t signs of a healthy relationships or signs that you must continue going for these kind of men.
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Default May 25, 2021 at 05:53 AM
  #322
Wow - an unexpected landslide of comments. I guess it's to be expected though, under the circumstances.

@eskielover, I can understand how you may feel, but you sounded unsupportive by saying it's hard to feel sympathy if I choose to go back again. He is going into therapy. He knows it's a prerequisite for me being with him again.

And someone said that I don't love him because I talked about erectile dysfunction? That could not be more far from the truth. Just because I talked about what is dysfunctional doesn't erase the feelings I have for him, and still have for him.

I understand everyone's concerns. I am not saying that we're definitely getting back together. We've hung out a couple times since the concert, and it was really nice. I cannot say what is going to happen, but it feels right between us. Something does feel right. It's not just lust or infatuation. We have something between us that hasn't gone away. I've tried to hang out with another man - it made me realize how hard it is to truly find that certain chemistry in someone. And my husband and I have it between us. There were undeniable sparks flying between us at the concert - and not just lust or because of loneliness. I can be alone and have been before. There's something very natural and genuine there.

I don't know what's going to happen. I am going with how I feel right now and this feels right. I get it - that I've laid out all sorts of problems that have occurred and that I've described how unhealthy he's been for me. I guess I hope that therapy truly helps him - he's very willing, and wants me to give him a list of things to work on. It's going to take a long time. Perhaps I'm being stupid, but that's my decision and choice. I know I do still love him and that there is love there still between us. That's all I can say right now.

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Default May 25, 2021 at 06:27 AM
  #323
When someone intentionally makes the decision to go back into an abusive relationship & ends up complaining about the same things, it is no longer support but ENABLING behaviors that need to be changed.

If therapy makes a difference great. If not just take action without complaining about what he is like any more

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Default May 25, 2021 at 06:32 AM
  #324
People complain on here about their spouses all the time, yet remain in the relationship. This is a support forum and I should be able to post about my husband in any way that I wish to.

You sound very condemning, unsupportive and judgmental. A more compassionate reply would have been along the lines of "I can see how hard this is for you... leaving someone is not easy, nor is divorce. It's a big life decision, it's one of the most difficult life experiences one can go through, and emotions can be contradictory".

Perhaps he can change - perhaps not. But at this point, I cannot deny my feelings. If he cannot change, then I truly will have my answer.

He has spoken with his mother about his anger issues, even. He is accepting of it now and wants to address it in therapy. This gives me some amount of hope.

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Last edited by Have Hope; May 25, 2021 at 07:10 AM..
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Default May 25, 2021 at 06:46 AM
  #325
I wish you the best. I hope both you and your husband have success in therapy.

Also, thank you for opening your discussion about the end of relationships. Its never easy to open yourself up to points of view that are difficult to hear. Its helped to reinforce for me that our choices are our own and the outcome of those choices are also only our own.
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Default May 25, 2021 at 06:49 AM
  #326
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Originally Posted by RollercoasterLover View Post
I wish you the best. I hope both you and your husband have success in therapy.

Also, thank you for opening your discussion about the end of relationships. Its never easy to open yourself up to points of view that are difficult to hear. Its helped to reinforce for me that our choices are our own and the outcome of those choices are also only our own.
Thank you.

I had NO idea it would be THIS hard to leave him and to separate from him. There's something still very powerful between us that is undeniable, and I am just going with my feelings right now. There is no logic to it, but I am also watching out for myself, and I know what needs to happen in order for me to truly be with him again. He needs therapy and serious behavioral changes.

And yes, I am responsible for my own choices and decisions, as well as the outcomes of those decisions. Sometimes we make poor choices, and sometimes those decisions turn out for the best.

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Default May 25, 2021 at 07:41 AM
  #327
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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
People complain on here about their spouses all the time, yet remain in the relationship. This is a support forum and I should be able to post about my husband in any way that I wish to.

You sound very condemning, unsupportive and judgmental. A more compassionate reply would have been along the lines of "I can see how hard this is for you... leaving someone is not easy, nor is divorce. It's a big life decision, it's one of the most difficult life experiences one can go through, and emotions can be contradictory".

Perhaps he can change - perhaps not. But at this point, I cannot deny my feelings. If he cannot change, then I truly will have my answer.

He has spoken with his mother about his anger issues, even. He is accepting of it now and wants to address it in therapy. This gives me some amount of hope.
We don't get to choose the support we receive from others. We choose to accept or discard the support given. I saw your pre edit post so I thought it was important to point out that support does not mean agreement with your choices. I think many here have been very supportive of your stated desire to end your relationship. I think you would be wise to not discard the support you've been given. You don't know when you may need it again.
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Default May 25, 2021 at 11:22 AM
  #328
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Originally Posted by RollercoasterLover View Post
We don't get to choose the support we receive from others. We choose to accept or discard the support given. I saw your pre edit post so I thought it was important to point out that support does not mean agreement with your choices. I think many here have been very supportive of your stated desire to end your relationship. I think you would be wise to not discard the support you've been given. You don't know when you may need it again.
This is a support forum with specific rules about how to be supportive. This too, sounds judgmental and unsupportive and puts me on the defensive. I have appreciated all the support I've been given to date and I have stated that several times in my thread, but I have changed my mind about my relationship. My response to one person's post does not mean that I am discarding all support given.

I will ask mods to close this thread now. This thread no longer serves it's purpose - ie, to help me and to support me in my plight. In fact, I think it's time for me to take a break from PC altogether.

Thank you to all who have been supportive of me.

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Last edited by Have Hope; May 25, 2021 at 11:35 AM..
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Default May 25, 2021 at 11:43 AM
  #329
No more comments are needed or requested. I’ve asked a mod to close the thread. Thank you. And a big thanks again to everyone who has helped. Your support has been amazing to me.

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