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Default May 12, 2021 at 06:04 AM
  #201
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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
Yes, I received the payment that is still coming out and being paid. I filed my taxes in April, so I just received mine.
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Since I've blocked him on my phone, I now instead am receiving a barrage of emails. He's trying to convince me to speak with him. I am not caving or giving into him,. At one point he tried to twist it to be all about supporting HIM through a rough time, when he had supported ME through a rough time. He only wants to convince me to get back together, and he thinks I'm being heartless. I don't care. I am not allowing him to manipulate me again, and I am not allowing him to guilt trip me into talking to him. I am setting strong boundaries, and that feels good to do.

But he continues to ignore and dismiss everything I've said to him so far: I don't trust you, I cannot trust you, I don't want to be with you, this is over. He still thinks he can convince me and turn me around again. It's truly astounding the lengths he's going to to change my mind and get me to speak with him.

Now I'm going to have to work towards not reading the emails. Next step in the process. At least I've taken certain measures to reduce the contact between us.
He doesn’t “think” you are heartless. He knows you aren’t. He says it because he knows in the past he could guilt and manipulate you and he hopes it will work again

If he needs support about something he could see a therapist. Typically separated people in the process of divorce do not offer each other support, unless maybe in regards to kids they share, other than that I don’t see how it’s even reasonable to expect “support”. He is a manipulator
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Default May 12, 2021 at 06:08 AM
  #202
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He doesn’t “think” you are heartless. He knows you aren’t. He says it because he knows in the past he could guilt and manipulate you and he hopes it will work again

If he needs support about something he could see a therapist. Typically separated people in the process of divorce do not offer each other support, unless maybe in regards to kids they share, other than that I don’t see how it’s even reasonable to expect “support”. He is a manipulator
Exactly - he can see a therapist, but of course, to date he has yet to get one, despite telling me repeatedly since July that he will do anything to keep us together, including getting his own therapist. Has he yet? NO. He wants ME to take care of him instead - he wants a mother, not a partner.

And yes, he's trying every manipulative tactic he can think of to wear me down and get me to speak with him. It's not working.

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Default May 12, 2021 at 07:05 AM
  #203
It sounds as though you have set very clear boundries. That's terrific!
Can you set up a folder in your email and have all his emails automatically sent to it? It may help to not have them in your regular inbox. You mentioned he should only email you about your pending divorce, so I get why you need to check the emails even if he isn't respecting that particular boundary.
My ex kept saying he wanted a faster divorce, but he was too busy to file or some other excuse. I got sick of it, called my county family court and within 10 minutes, I found out what form to complete and had an appointment (free of charge) to get help completing the form. Once the form was complete, I paid $100 to file with the court. Taking control was huge deal for me, but it stopped my ex cold in his tracks. It was a massive boundary marker that very clearly screamed "you don't get to mess with my head and emotions anymore."

I hope you stay strong in maintaining the boundaries you set. I hope happiness keeps finding you.
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Default May 12, 2021 at 12:59 PM
  #204
It’s very hard to maintain zero contact. I know it.
I understand what you are living.

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Default May 13, 2021 at 05:16 AM
  #205
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It sounds as though you have set very clear boundries. That's terrific!
Can you set up a folder in your email and have all his emails automatically sent to it? It may help to not have them in your regular inbox. You mentioned he should only email you about your pending divorce, so I get why you need to check the emails even if he isn't respecting that particular boundary.
My ex kept saying he wanted a faster divorce, but he was too busy to file or some other excuse. I got sick of it, called my county family court and within 10 minutes, I found out what form to complete and had an appointment (free of charge) to get help completing the form. Once the form was complete, I paid $100 to file with the court. Taking control was huge deal for me, but it stopped my ex cold in his tracks. It was a massive boundary marker that very clearly screamed "you don't get to mess with my head and emotions anymore."

I hope you stay strong in maintaining the boundaries you set. I hope happiness keeps finding you.
Thank you.

That's what I need to do next: go online and ask the court for help filing.

I know at some point communication will completely stop. I can put his emails in another folder, yes, or direct them there so I don't see them all the time. I think in Gmail it means creating a filter.

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Default May 13, 2021 at 05:17 AM
  #206
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It’s very hard to maintain zero contact. I know it.
I understand what you are living.
Yes, it is very hard. Thank you for understanding.

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Default May 13, 2021 at 08:28 PM
  #207
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It’s very hard to maintain zero contact. I know it.
I understand what you are living.

Yep it's hard but I find it's worth it, I did No Contact myself when it got bad enough with a "relationship", and it saved me. I just didn't want to repeat it more in this thread, but I can't emphasise this enough...it really feels so much better (well, relatively, yeah) after you get used to No Contact. No more bad stuff, no more abuse, no more trauma
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Default May 13, 2021 at 08:36 PM
  #208
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So now I've blocked him for real.

He texted yesterday and within his lengthy barrage of texts, he once again used the police as an excuse for his infidelity, yet when we were together again just recently, he claimed he would never use this as an excuse again. So, once again, he is not taking responsibility for his actions and is changing his tune, yet again.

He makes me absolutely crazy - his deflections are crazy making. In one minute, he says it was a bad decision and a mistake, then the next, he's blaming ME again for it. I am seething over this once again, hence my blocking him, finally. I also unfriended him on Facebook.

At least I've taken the step to cut off all contact except for email communication where he can send me the divorce paperwork. I told him this - do not contact me now except for divorce paperwork.

So it's finally done. Needing peace in my life trumped worrying about any retaliation. I cannot control what he says or thinks, and I no longer wish to try. It's out of my hands. Clearly, he still wants to blame ME for HIS infidelity - and I will NOT accept that. It's completely unacceptable. Being unfaithful was HIS CHOICE and HIS DECISION. I am NOT responsible for HIS hurtful actions.

Awesome about blocking him! Keep going!
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Default May 13, 2021 at 08:48 PM
  #209
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it really feels so much better (well, relatively, yeah) after you get used to No Contact. No more bad stuff, no more abuse, no more trauma
No more drama.

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Default May 14, 2021 at 05:06 AM
  #210
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Yep it's hard but I find it's worth it, I did No Contact myself when it got bad enough with a "relationship", and it saved me. I just didn't want to repeat it more in this thread, but I can't emphasise this enough...it really feels so much better (well, relatively, yeah) after you get used to No Contact. No more bad stuff, no more abuse, no more trauma
Did you tell him that you would no longer reply, or did you just stop replying?

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Default May 14, 2021 at 05:29 AM
  #211
He's been sending me sob story emails about how he has no friends to talk to, no one to see, and all about how alone and destroyed he is. So I eventually replied, telling him to get a therapist and to talk to a therapist if he's so bad off. Well. then next he tells me he's going to a friend's home for dinner last night and tells me about a concert he's going to with friends! BS he's all alone! He's seeing friends, going to concerts and is getting out! Once again, I got suckered into one of his manipulative ploys to get me to speak with him, and I am pissed.

So I looked up my divorce court in my county and plan on calling them today to ask how do I file for divorce on my own.

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Default May 14, 2021 at 07:19 AM
  #212
I now have filtered his email out of my inbox to another folder so that I won't see his emails anymore.

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Thumbs down May 14, 2021 at 07:20 AM
  #213
He still manages to manipulate you. He isn’t all alone and miserable. He is miserable as no one to give him money but other than that he is having fun. Even when he was supposedly distraught by you calling the police, he was lining up romance with a coworker. Everything he says is a lie. But he knows how to guilt you. Go no contact
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Default May 14, 2021 at 09:41 AM
  #214
I think you are doing great at making your needs a priority to yourself. Keep maintaining your boundaries and working toward your goals. Each small step adds up.
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Default May 14, 2021 at 11:21 AM
  #215
Each experience is a "lesson learned" until we have had enough & we put a stop to it all.

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Default May 14, 2021 at 11:25 AM
  #216
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Did you tell him that you would no longer reply, or did you just stop replying?
With the old acquaintance from high school/college I blocked completely, I gave 2 warnings & when they weren't respected, I blocked totally even when another old acquaintance tried to guilt me into reconnecting with the other guy.

No one guilts eskie into anything!

I decided long ago that I would rather have people know exactly where I stand & respect that even if they don't like it or like me because of it than have people disrespect me & think they can manipulate me & treat me like a doormat because I don't take a firm stand & blow with their hor air.

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Default May 14, 2021 at 03:21 PM
  #217
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Did you tell him that you would no longer reply, or did you just stop replying?

I told him. I also told him I can't be okay with his personality. That is a long story as to why I said that but basically I wanted to push him away/turn him off, I was building that message on his lies because he did this sob story that no one likes his personality, just his traits, to try and get me to be nice to him and "serve" his needs. So my message was to ensure he will not bother to play nice and stuff to placate me or try and keep the "relationship potential" with me or have any relationship with me on his own terms. I made it clear there was NO relationship potential whatsoever anymore. It worked, he understood the message, that I wasn't gonna play along with the sob stories or other "nice" placating ********. I *think* he saw that his lies didn't work on me and he didn't bother to try and figure out what new lie to weave that would be believable enough. It made my No Contact easier. He was so intrusive before it but that message worked.


But maybe that is still too much drama in your case, for you it could be easier to just simply say this is your last message to him to let him know you are done and going No Contact. And then keeping to it and not even reading anything from him. It's not worth the time. Whenever I decided that I was not going to read/hear anything from someone, it always helped. If I tried to read/hear something anyway from those - truly toxic - people, it was never worth it. It was always a waste of time, always a drain on my mental and emotional well-being. They really feed on drama and lies so much. It's just junk, whatever they write/say to you, no usable information whatsoever.



If I were you, I would also arrange all communication about the divorce through a third party. So then it's true No Contact.
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Default May 14, 2021 at 03:28 PM
  #218
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He's been sending me sob story emails about how he has no friends to talk to, no one to see, and all about how alone and destroyed he is. So I eventually replied, telling him to get a therapist and to talk to a therapist if he's so bad off. Well. then next he tells me he's going to a friend's home for dinner last night and tells me about a concert he's going to with friends! BS he's all alone! He's seeing friends, going to concerts and is getting out! Once again, I got suckered into one of his manipulative ploys to get me to speak with him, and I am pissed.

So I looked up my divorce court in my county and plan on calling them today to ask how do I file for divorce on my own.

Yes. Totally lies. On top of the guy I mentioned, I even had a friendship that I discovered was full of lies like that. I did talk about it in my thread before. But anyway I'm responding to this message of yours because I wanted to say, how hard it is to really face and feel that these are the facts, that it was all just BS and our emotions have to really adjust to that. It's hard and takes time.

Good luck with the divorce filing! Very good decision there.
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Default May 15, 2021 at 06:17 AM
  #219
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He still manages to manipulate you. He isn’t all alone and miserable. He is miserable as no one to give him money but other than that he is having fun. Even when he was supposedly distraught by you calling the police, he was lining up romance with a coworker. Everything he says is a lie. But he knows how to guilt you. Go no contact
@divine1966, yes, and that's exactly what I keep thinking. He says he's found God and that he would convert to Christianity now. He keeps leaning on this as being his big "aha" turnaround moment. I don't believe it for one second. I am sure he is lining up the next woman right now, even as he is wooing me to stay together.

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Default May 15, 2021 at 06:19 AM
  #220
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With the old acquaintance from high school/college I blocked completely, I gave 2 warnings & when they weren't respected, I blocked totally even when another old acquaintance tried to guilt me into reconnecting with the other guy.

No one guilts eskie into anything!

I decided long ago that I would rather have people know exactly where I stand & respect that even if they don't like it or like me because of it than have people disrespect me & think they can manipulate me & treat me like a doormat because I don't take a firm stand & blow with their hor air.
@eskielover, I greatly respect this motto! I need to implement this myself. I did tell him I no longer will be emailing him back and to leave me alone from now on.


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