[lovethesun]

My mother in law (susie) lives 5 hours away from us. she's in her late 70's but still able to live independently. She's been making repeated phone calls to us whining about fake health issues, fake fears (claimed someone jiggles her door handles) and trying to manipulate us into saying "come live with us". basically she is lazy and wants to sit around our house and be waited on hand and foot. It's probably only a matter of time before she starts losing bodily functions and I refuse to be wiping her behind when 1 she's not my mother 2.) I've still got 2 teenagers that I'm taking care of and causing me enough stress. Susie has another son who lives a couple states north of her (7 hours from us) and he has washed his hands of the whole deal claiming he "doesn't have the patience to deal with her". My husband told me last night he wants to buy a house near our house for her to live in. That made me FUMING ANGRY! First, because it's not fair to us to take on the financial burden of another mortgage when the other son is perfectly capable of contributing financially but is trying to skip out on his end of the responsibilities. Second, the next step after she moves into a house near us is for her to actually move into our house. NO WAY is that going to happen! My husband is a push over with his heart on his sleeve and doesn;t see it that way. But again it's not fair for our privacy and home to be invaded by this old woman and the other son (jimmy) gets to skate free of the whole thing. I told my husband NO to the house idea, raised all these issues that have me so angry and suggested an apartment instead (with the idea that Jimmy will be forced to contribute half to the rent). At this point, my husband said "forget I said anything about this. Just forget I brought it up."

What should I do? Just let it drop like he said? Or go ahead and charge this topic head on and have the fight now?

[MickeyCheeky]

So Sorry this is happening! Please do not give up! While it would be nice if you were able to take care of your mother, i don't think it is fair that only you should get this responsability and not her son as well. You also have a right to your privacy as Well. i think it can be difficult in cases like this. Perhaps this is too much but a caring home may be a possibility? Give it a thought perhaps. Sorry if this offends you. As for your Husband, it seems like you have explained what you think about this to him so i am not sure if there is much else to add. Maybe apologize or try to make amends if you feel like he may have felt hurt. So Sorry things are being difficult. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @lovethesun, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[divine1966]

I think living near by is a valid option. How about retirement home? Small apartment? Hiring help for her? Taking another mortgage is unreasonable. She doesn’t need to be living with you but other arrangements could be made. Your husband feels he needs to do something. She is not just any kind of random “old woman”. Not like he wants to take care of a neighbor.

I don’t see any need to fight. It could be discussed kindly and some compromise could be reached. Sure his brother is a jerk but it doesn’t mean your husband should also wash his hands off and be just as horrid.

Sadly sometimes one sibling washes hands off elderly parents. The reality is usually the other one picks up a slack. What else could be done? If my brother decided to become a jerk, I’d not abandon my dad or become a jerk myself

[Open Eyes]

Does his mother have her own home or is she living in an apartment? How are her living expenses covered now?

Most likely your husbands brother’s wife has the same opinion you have. There are other options when it comes to addressing elder care that don’t have to include having an elder parent move in with you.

[lovethesun]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Does his mother have her own home or is she living in an apartment? How are her living expenses covered now?

Most likely your husbands brother’s wife has the same opinion you have. There are other options when it comes to addressing elder care that don’t have to include having an elder parent move in with you.

His mother has her own home, but my husband has been paying the mortgage. Husband's brother (jimmy) was supposed to split the monthly cost with my husband per their agreement, but Jimmy never pays unless he's forced to. He'll go months without paying his share and won't pay anything unless he is reminded. This agreeement has been in place for almost 10 years and still Jimmy has to be reminded each month to pay his share. Ridiculous!! So my husband has bore the weight of that. And husband's brother's wife (Kim) had one comment when my mother in law brought up living with someone. Her comment to my mother in law was "you have another son"....meaning my husband. She's an evil witch!!! And to top it all off, my brother in law and his lovely wife (kim) have a fully furnished apartment complete with it's own kitchen in the lower level of their home, but they won't take the mother in law in......but they did take Kim's mom in for 3 years....so more nasty evil hypocrisy on their part!!!

[lovethesun]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I think living near by is a valid option. How about retirement home? Small apartment? Hiring help for her? Taking another mortgage is unreasonable. She doesn’t need to be living with you but other arrangements could be made. Your husband feels he needs to do something. She is not just any kind of random “old woman”. Not like he wants to take care of a neighbor.

I don’t see any need to fight. It could be discussed kindly and some compromise could be reached. Sure his brother is a jerk but it doesn’t mean your husband should also wash his hands off and be just as horrid.

Sadly sometimes one sibling washes hands off elderly parents. The reality is usually the other one picks up a slack. What else could be done? If my brother decided to become a jerk, I’d not abandon my dad or become a jerk myself

Thank you Divine for this answer. It helped calm me a bit. I've been boiling with rage. I've watched my husband's family take advantage of his generosity for years and I'm just tired of it. I suppose we shouldn't wallow in the mud with the pigs (husband's brother) and instead rise above it with class and provide a solution for his mother.

[Nammu]

She’s lonely. It’s hard to get old alone. And she probably is fearful. Be aware too that this issue is being watched by your kids and how you treat your mother in law is how they will likely treat you.

[lovethesun]

Originally Posted by Nammu

She’s lonely. It’s hard to get old alone. And she probably is fearful. Be aware too that this issue is being watched by your kids and how you treat your mother in law is how they will likely treat you.

You know what Nammu? Normally I'd agree with you about her being lonely and old and fearful, but this woman has lied about me to other family members resulting in epic fights that brought my husband and I to the brink of divorce twice. She's a manipulative back stabber. And she's so selfish, that when my husband first told her years ago that he'd gotten engaged...guess what......she cried! Not tears of joy, she was sad because now she would not have her son to support her day in and day out. I have no sympathy for her. Even in her old years she's still being selfish and trying to get her son back. I'm just trying to remain dignified and keep myself from unleashing a verbal explosion on her that would rock her world. Which is all the more reason this woman should not be under my roof.

[divine1966]

Do you see a therapist? You have a lot of anger in you about this situation and about all family members involved and I’d run it all by a professional.

Your mother in law doesn’t need to live with you. But your husband doesn’t need to abandon his mother either. He is coming up with solutions. He sounds like a good man to me. You are upset because he helps his mother but would you rather be married to someone who washes his hands off his parents?

[poshgirl]

Lovethesun, this is a complex situation but very common. Have not experienced directly but hope I can shed some light on this behaviour.

Firstly, do not feel guilty for voicing your opinion. The one time my mother did, after it was assumed she would just accept her father-in-law visiting every Sunday. What did my stepfather do? Took off and spent the day at his father's house, even taking him out for lunch. All she wanted was a break of routine. Father-in-law was a lovely man, always appreciative of meals, company, etc.

A late family friend's mother made it her life's work to ensure he never married. She was a single parent and thought he owed her for the difficult life she'd had. He had his own house, went on foreign holidays to escape her clutches. Unfortunately, she was taken ill so he had her to stay to recover. Complained to us that he couldn't get rid of her. Okay, she didn't want to be ill but she was able to execute her plan easily.

It may seem harsh but you didn't marry your mother-in-law. She's finding it difficult to relinquish control and unfortunately, your husband is caught between his life with you and "doing his duty".

Stay strong!

[Bill3]

I suppose we shouldn't wallow in the mud with the pigs (husband's brother) and instead rise above it with class and provide a solution for his mother.

I agree with this approach. You don't need to have sympathy for her, or how she handles things, in order to help her get set up in a reasonable and not-too-close way.

[lovethesun]

Thank you all for your input. I've read all of your comments. I feel I've calmed down a little. I know my anger was very obvious but that's why I came to this forum. Most of the time, anger does not solve a situation. But I had to get it out. Personally I don't think my mother in law would be happy selling her home and most of her stuff and moving down to our city. I don't think she's considering that she'd be leaving behind all the close friends she has had for years, her church and the support they've given her for 20 years as well as the convenience of living in the very small town she lives in where literally everything she needs (doctor, grocery store, pharmacy, fast food, gas station, library, church, etc) is on one little road that her house is also on. She would be coming to our city which is 10 times bigger, lots more traffic with aggressive drivers that would scare her, everything is unfamiliar to her and none of the support she has from people she's known for years. I think she'd be miserable. And as for wanting to be near family, well.....everytime she's around us for a holiday she fights with us! She yells at us! In her head she thinks she needs to move, but she's not thinking it through. And my husband is giving an emotional knee-jerk reaction to her by saying "okay lets move you close to us". Neither one of them has their thinking cap on.

My hope is that she will stay where she is. If not, then I will suggest she be moved into a 1 bedroom lower level apartment in our city and hope she does not become an even greater burden on us when she realizes she's even more alone and miserable than she was in her old town. But I will NOT allow her to move in with us. I draw the line somewhere and that is where.

[Open Eyes]

Well it’s true that aging individuals do best when they get to stay where things are familiar to them.