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Default Apr 21, 2021 at 06:53 AM
  #1
I've disappeared....

Over the last 3 years, I've completely disappeared after dealing with emotional and verbal abuse from my narc husband. All the yelling, the gaslighting, the explosive anger from him... it took a toll. I am now very weakened as a result.

Our relationship was always about him, what he wanted, what he needed and how he feels that there was and is no room for me. I became so conditioned to this treatment that I began putting him first before myself and I lost myself.

Now that I am ending my marriage for good, I feel incredibly relieved but I am also SO angry. I don't know what to do with all my anger. My father is a narc and treated me similarly as a kid. All those old feelings have returned. I do not matter.

And my eating disorder completely disappeared the moment I left him last Fall. After trying to reconcile in the last 2 months, my eating disorder came back. I realized just yesterday that it's because I was shoving all my feelings down because there was no room for my feelings in the relationship.

I am sad..... I feel so sad in knowing that he never truly loved ME. He loved what I gave him: security, financial security, and I took care of his every need practically.

I need to find myself again. I started to by decorating my apartment without him in it, by listening to my own music and by doing the things I enjoy again.

But the anger.... I don't know what to do with all my anger. Journaling is one thing, therapy is another, but my anger runs SO deep that I'm afraid nothing will truly help.

Any suggestions on how to deal with anger and rage in healthy ways? I cannot express it to HIM: he won't validate my feelings.

And how does one get over abuse? I need some serious healing and treatment, after years of abuse from many different relationships. I need a better therapist.

Thanks for listening.

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Default Apr 21, 2021 at 06:57 AM
  #2
I recommend “Codependent No More”. It teaches you to disengage and enjoy your life.

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Default Apr 21, 2021 at 06:59 AM
  #3
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
I recommend “Codependent No More”. It teaches you to disengage and enjoy your life.
Thank you, @TishaBuv. I realize that I have had co-dependent tendencies. I appreciate the recommendation!

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Default Apr 21, 2021 at 07:20 AM
  #4
It focuses on relationships with alcoholics, which is not a factor in my situation, yet we are still codependent. For you, there are substance issues at play, though that is not the primary reason for your relationship’s dysfunction...still it is an underlying cause though.

I do understand why you feel so conflicted in your relationship because I can relate personally. Tbh, you’ve felt unsure about the whole thing since the beginning.

I’ve found, in a relationship with anybody, they will sometimes treat you great and sometimes be hurtful (unintentionally at best, intentionally on occasion- in any relationship). I have had to accept some very hurtful, intentional things my h did to me. I accepted it because I chose to look at the good acts that I wanted to keep receiving, and the only way to move forward was to ‘get over’ the hurts. I also had to be honest with myself that I was partly to blame in his choice to hurt me. I pushed him to it because I was already angry at him over something else. So, because I was already angry over our usual dysfunction (his sexual/emotional neglect), he chose to hurt me (going out to dinner with his friend who treated me like a total prick). I’d have liked to divorce him then, but I didn’t because I was still trying to fix this dysfunctional marriage. But then, every day now, he just keeps doing all the same dysfunction that disappoints and angers me with no end in sight. It’s so crazy-making I’ve simply had to emotionally detach from the whole relationship. I don’t feel strong enough to go and hire a lawyer and divorce him (again!) once and for all, so I feel trapped and continue with toxic dance—- with a therapist who has not really done anything except told me to this this book.

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Default Apr 21, 2021 at 07:28 AM
  #5
An interesting observation; The thing that is most an issue of concern, a fear, for all of us seems to be the very thing the other person does to hurt us.

For me it’s the ‘have my back’ thing. For you it’s the cheating thing.

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Default Apr 21, 2021 at 07:50 AM
  #6
i am So Sorry that you're going through this! Please don't give up! i think it will take some time to fully heal but of course everyone is different so i can't really be sure. i agree with the wise and wonderful ThisaBuv about buying some self-help books. Perhaps some online articles may Help as well. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Have Hope, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Default Apr 21, 2021 at 12:40 PM
  #7
You said, "Any suggestions on how to deal with anger and rage in healthy ways? I cannot express it to HIM: he won't validate my feelings." Of course he won't; that's why you have called it quits. He has never validated your feelings. He isn't going to start now, so don't seek that kind of validation from him.

It is really important that you truly separate from him. Limit your interactions to as little as possible. Get a lawyer and let the lawyer handle anything technical to do with your belongings, divorce, etc. (I'm assuming that is back on the table now.) There is just no reason for continued constant interaction with him. Each interaction is triggering for your anger AND it opens you up to further manipulation which has been difficult for you to steer clear of on your own.

I remember once my sister decided to divorce her husband of 17 years, she never spoke to the man again. Child custody, settlement of possessions, etc. was handled through the divorce attorneys, and she was free of the triggers of personal interactions. It gave her the personal space to deal with what was already rather traumatic and overwhelming without be further traumatized and overwhelmed by constantly having to deal with him personally.

It's going to take a clean break. There really isn't anything nearly as pressing as child custody or anything like that to warrant the constant interactions between you. Set your boundaries for YOUR mental and emotional health.
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Default Apr 21, 2021 at 01:22 PM
  #8
Anger mitigation techniques that worked for me.

1. Breaking things... take a trip to your local recycling center. Volunteer for a day. Break glass jars, stomp on aluminum cans, crush cardboard. Each break, each stomp, each crush say this is for that time (fill in the blank). This was an anger therapeutic activity suggested by my then T in my small town. It really helped me learn to express myself to myself. I got a few volunteer awards too which helped my self esteem.

2. Color therapy. My current T started me with coloring the same picture twice. Once by focusing and feeling my anger and once by controlling my breathing and focusing on things I enjoyed/liked. The anger ones were dark, ugly and sloppy. My "me" ones were colorful and pretty. This was done at first in my Ts office. Color therapy has become my favorite anger and anxiety reducing activity. My favorites are mandalas. I frame and name my creations and hang them on the wall. They help ground me if my ptsd is triggered.

3. Trying 1 new thing each day. Sometimes it was as simple as trying a new flavor or food, trying a new shampoo, etc. I found free samples were great for this. Also travel size things. I went to stores I never went to. Sat in parks I didn't know existed, I joined a meet up group. Played different versions of solitaire. Everything that was new was a step away from abused and broken me and a step toward the me I wanted to be. I found things I didn't like (I do not like ranch dressing or gain laundry detergent). I found things I love and keep them in my life (gardening and roasted asparagus tips come to mind). The point of it all is to discover myself.

4. I actively changed my environment. Besides coloring my own art, I painted walls, I switched furniture around, I replaced furniture if I could. I pained furniture I couldn't afford to replace, I sold things that were "ours" and replaced them with things that were "mine". Dishes, sheets, towels... I eventually replaced it all with things I liked. I'm still making environment adjustments. But the changes help to ground me and I can focus on them if I am triggered.

Some things are easier than others. A vision board was something my last and current T both suggested. I tried it and it just made me feel bad. So when my current T suggested it, I actually laughed. Told her no way and why. Thats when I started color therapy.

I hope you find what makes you feel happiness and joy.
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Default Apr 21, 2021 at 03:31 PM
  #9
Thank you everyone! Much to read and absorb here. I will have to come back and re-read everyone's replies. Lots of good suggestions and food for thought.

This time, I will distance from him for sure and will limit all interactions. All we need to do is file for divorce - paperwork is mostly done. There's no reason for us to be in touch about much since he already moved out in the fall. He has one small load of his belongings left that I found but that is it.

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Default Apr 22, 2021 at 04:33 AM
  #10
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
Tbh, you’ve felt unsure about the whole thing since the beginning.
These are the key words. I've been uncertain since the beginning. I've wanted to leave since the day we were married. I knew then that he was/is toxic.

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Default Apr 22, 2021 at 04:35 AM
  #11
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Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins View Post
You said, "Any suggestions on how to deal with anger and rage in healthy ways? I cannot express it to HIM: he won't validate my feelings." Of course he won't; that's why you have called it quits. He has never validated your feelings. He isn't going to start now, so don't seek that kind of validation from him.

It is really important that you truly separate from him. Limit your interactions to as little as possible. Get a lawyer and let the lawyer handle anything technical to do with your belongings, divorce, etc. (I'm assuming that is back on the table now.) There is just no reason for continued constant interaction with him. Each interaction is triggering for your anger AND it opens you up to further manipulation which has been difficult for you to steer clear of on your own.

I remember once my sister decided to divorce her husband of 17 years, she never spoke to the man again. Child custody, settlement of possessions, etc. was handled through the divorce attorneys, and she was free of the triggers of personal interactions. It gave her the personal space to deal with what was already rather traumatic and overwhelming without be further traumatized and overwhelmed by constantly having to deal with him personally.

It's going to take a clean break. There really isn't anything nearly as pressing as child custody or anything like that to warrant the constant interactions between you. Set your boundaries for YOUR mental and emotional health.
Agreed! I also don't have the energy to continue engaging with him. He just wants to rope me into the same old toxic dance, and I refuse.

The fact that. my eating disorder returned while with him again says it all: he is NOT healthy for me.

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Default Apr 22, 2021 at 04:36 AM
  #12
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Originally Posted by RollercoasterLover View Post
Anger mitigation techniques that worked for me.

1. Breaking things... take a trip to your local recycling center. Volunteer for a day. Break glass jars, stomp on aluminum cans, crush cardboard. Each break, each stomp, each crush say this is for that time (fill in the blank). This was an anger therapeutic activity suggested by my then T in my small town. It really helped me learn to express myself to myself. I got a few volunteer awards too which helped my self esteem.

2. Color therapy. My current T started me with coloring the same picture twice. Once by focusing and feeling my anger and once by controlling my breathing and focusing on things I enjoyed/liked. The anger ones were dark, ugly and sloppy. My "me" ones were colorful and pretty. This was done at first in my Ts office. Color therapy has become my favorite anger and anxiety reducing activity. My favorites are mandalas. I frame and name my creations and hang them on the wall. They help ground me if my ptsd is triggered.

3. Trying 1 new thing each day. Sometimes it was as simple as trying a new flavor or food, trying a new shampoo, etc. I found free samples were great for this. Also travel size things. I went to stores I never went to. Sat in parks I didn't know existed, I joined a meet up group. Played different versions of solitaire. Everything that was new was a step away from abused and broken me and a step toward the me I wanted to be. I found things I didn't like (I do not like ranch dressing or gain laundry detergent). I found things I love and keep them in my life (gardening and roasted asparagus tips come to mind). The point of it all is to discover myself.

4. I actively changed my environment. Besides coloring my own art, I painted walls, I switched furniture around, I replaced furniture if I could. I pained furniture I couldn't afford to replace, I sold things that were "ours" and replaced them with things that were "mine". Dishes, sheets, towels... I eventually replaced it all with things I liked. I'm still making environment adjustments. But the changes help to ground me and I can focus on them if I am triggered.

Some things are easier than others. A vision board was something my last and current T both suggested. I tried it and it just made me feel bad. So when my current T suggested it, I actually laughed. Told her no way and why. Thats when I started color therapy.

I hope you find what makes you feel happiness and joy.
Thank you for this!

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Default Apr 22, 2021 at 04:37 AM
  #13
Quote:
Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky View Post
i am So Sorry that you're going through this! Please don't give up! i think it will take some time to fully heal but of course everyone is different so i can't really be sure. i agree with the wise and wonderful ThisaBuv about buying some self-help books. Perhaps some online articles may Help as well. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Have Hope, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
Thank you Mickey!

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Default Apr 22, 2021 at 04:46 AM
  #14
In hindsight, I feel foolish for having let him back in my life one last time. I was weakened by life circumstances, I leaned on him, and he was there to catch me. Then it all turned out to be one long act of manipulation.

What gets me the most is his continued argument that he wasn't himself after I called the police and that's why he had an affair (of sorts). Yet, previously, he had promised me many times over that he would let me know if there was a problem - he did not! Instead, he had an affair. A-hole. And somehow, I am to blame for having called the police. His behavior is not excusable. After also promising 100 times that he would never step out of line with another woman, and then he does? He is not trustworthy... he breaks all promises, which are just empty promises in the end.

And he tried to get me to believe he's changed without any therapy? How stupid does he think I am?

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Last edited by Have Hope; Apr 22, 2021 at 05:15 AM..
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Default Apr 22, 2021 at 05:00 AM
  #15
Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post

I’ve found, in a relationship with anybody, they will sometimes treat you great and sometimes be hurtful (unintentionally at best, intentionally on occasion- in any relationship). I have had to accept some very hurtful, intentional things my h did to me. I accepted it because I chose to look at the good acts that I wanted to keep receiving, and the only way to move forward was to ‘get over’ the hurts. I also had to be honest with myself that I was partly to blame in his choice to hurt me. I pushed him to it because I was already angry at him over something else. So, because I was already angry over our usual dysfunction (his sexual/emotional neglect), he chose to hurt me (going out to dinner with his friend who treated me like a total prick). I’d have liked to divorce him then, but I didn’t because I was still trying to fix this dysfunctional marriage. But then, every day now, he just keeps doing all the same dysfunction that disappoints and angers me with no end in sight. It’s so crazy-making I’ve simply had to emotionally detach from the whole relationship. I don’t feel strong enough to go and hire a lawyer and divorce him (again!) once and for all, so I feel trapped and continue with toxic dance—- with a therapist who has not really done anything except told me to this this book.
@TishaBuv, you are not to blame for husband''s hurtful behaviors - he is. You are rightfully upset and hurt by how he approaches your sexual relationship. That in no way excuses his choice to be hurtful.

Given what I know of your relationship, it's certainly toxic, but perhaps not as bad as mine was. You're also years into the relationship, making it far harder to leave.

That being said, healthy love does not involve intention to hurt one's spouse.

I saw myself five years from now in the same exact position as now - and I refuse to continue to be miserable and involved in the toxicity that my husband brings. He is SO harmful to me, I cannot waste any more precious years of my life on him.

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Default Apr 22, 2021 at 05:37 AM
  #16
I am sorry you are going through this. I got a divorce after 31 years of verbal abuse. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. Sometimes it helps to write (to the abuser) a letter of "restorative justice." That means saying...this is what you did, this is how it made me feel. Most abusers will deny their abuse, the letter is more for you than the abuser. Keeping a journal is also helpful. After 20 years divorced, I still feel anger. All of our feelings are valid....do you have a friend you can share with what you are going through.....a therapist can help also....Unfortunately, some therapists aren't well trained in verbal abuse; it is necessary to interview some to find out who wlll meet your needs. It might help to do some physical exercise to help with that frustration and anger, but I found for me that talking about it with friends was helpful. I wish you love and hugs.
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Default Apr 22, 2021 at 05:45 AM
  #17
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I am sorry you are going through this. I got a divorce after 31 years of verbal abuse. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. Sometimes it helps to write (to the abuser) a letter of "restorative justice." That means saying...this is what you did, this is how it made me feel. Most abusers will deny their abuse, the letter is more for you than the abuser. Keeping a journal is also helpful. After 20 years divorced, I still feel anger. All of our feelings are valid....do you have a friend you can share with what you are going through.....a therapist can help also....Unfortunately, some therapists aren't well trained in verbal abuse; it is necessary to interview some to find out who wlll meet your needs. It might help to do some physical exercise to help with that frustration and anger, but I found for me that talking about it with friends was helpful. I wish you love and hugs.
I saw our couples therapist on my own last night. Right now, I am therapist shopping. I asked him if I can see him again next week. He could be very helpful to me, though I wasn't able to address all my anger with him last night.

I do have close friends to lean on, but they've heard this story for a year now. Round and around we go. A couple of my closest girlfriends are still able to listen and support me through this. They understand how hard it's been to separate from him, which has gone on for nearly a year.

I've journaled and I've written letters that I have not sent. It helps somewhat, but verbal communicaition works best with me, with friends or a therapist

I also have an abuse advocate with whom I have been working for months. She provides support and concrete advice and also strategies on how to manage him.

I do have help, but I am still processing... I need someone to process all of this with me.

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Default Apr 22, 2021 at 11:11 AM
  #18
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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
@TishaBuv, you are not to blame for husband''s hurtful behaviors - he is. You are rightfully upset and hurt by how he approaches your sexual relationship. That in no way excuses his choice to be hurtful.

Given what I know of your relationship, it's certainly toxic, but perhaps not as bad as mine was. You're also years into the relationship, making it far harder to leave.

That being said, healthy love does not involve intention to hurt one's spouse.

I saw myself five years from now in the same exact position as now - and I refuse to continue to be miserable and involved in the toxicity that my husband brings. He is SO harmful to me, I cannot waste any more precious years of my life on him.

I agree, and thank you for the support on this. What I see as my part in escalating it to where he went out anyway, is that I was already angry at him and in a knee-jerk, passive-aggressive reaction to the dinner invitation was that I told him to go if he wanted it. I egged him on. It was obvious I didn’t want him to and he knew it, but still, I told him to go. Then when he was going, I was even angrier and more upset that he was going and he knew it, but he still went anyway.

The hurt from that incident was 1) He didn’t feel angry at his friend for how he treated me, like I did. 2) He went to dinner with that friend (it was to be three couples, so it was two couples and him without me) and chose to do that knowing leaving me home seething about how he did not have my back to support me when this person was extremely disrespectful to me. It was his friend, so in my opinion, they really treated him with extreme disrespect by treating his wife that way...but he didn’t see it like I did.

Anyway, this topic started yet another argument with him about it. He will not give me an honest reason for why he went. He only deflects with BS reasons that are laughable. The truth is he did what he wanted to do, he didn’t care that it hurt me, he did not feel lovingly toward me at that time... Does that mean he does not really love me at all? That’s been a tough one for me to come to terms with.

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Default Apr 22, 2021 at 01:36 PM
  #19
What does your therapist say?

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Default Apr 22, 2021 at 03:57 PM
  #20
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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
What does your therapist say?
I kid you not- he shrugs his shoulders!

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