Are mother issues a real thing for a grown adult rational male

Hello everyone.

Thank you for creating this space.

I'm a 39 year old male. When it asked what my issue was, it listed a few dozen technical choices. I found it odd that loneliness was not on the list. That's what I would have chosen and it's not covid related.

In general you can probably know a lot about me and how I think by listening to the brace heart soundtrack. I'm listening to it right now. That's the shape of my mind and heart in many respects.

Alright I am very open minded, but in all directions. I find that "all directions" part must relevant and somewhat uncommon. I'm willing to entertain any idea but also throw out all conventional wisdom. One has to be, right?

I had a bad mother, emotionally absent to say the least. She was highly successful in her early years but she hid that part of herself. I knew her as emotionally absent, a stress ball full of denial and much else. My dad the complete opposite, inherited everything, lacked ambition but completely content and I realize later admired the heck out of her. Both gave us children far too little preparation for the world, which we didn't realize till much later. I got good traits from them both. My mother gave me high standards, and ambition and intelligence. Btw

Ok so I know they affected the direction of my life but do I really need to rummage around and go heal myself to move forward in my own relationships? I've always assumed that to probably be true or at least helpful. I read psych books when young. I read everything I could in my teens and twenties. The classic liberal self education that I find is actually atypical. But the older I get the more I question assumptions like that, that doing that helps, as opposed to applying reason to the present moment, or whatever. I'm not arguing or asserting anything. Just wondering. Also sharing feelings to build connection as a man. You think that would work. Also intellectual humility and cautious language. That might work in the sciences but maybe not in business or leadership.

I'm having relationship problems and my relationship problems are that I don't have any, and have never really had a serious one. I've had short term hookups despite always really wanting something meaningful and simple, ordinary but passionate. Think brave heart william wallace. I want to have a family, be a father and man. I'm not religious in the customary sense. Because I share a lot of the old fashioned values and appreciate what churches do, I wear religion as clothes but I'm more like an atheist scientist in some regards. But in religion is where I find a lot of my type. I could never be a church leader because I don't literally believe, and too much bores me. I just like a little, but that's where you find incredibly open and humble people, which I love.

I don't think I'm complicated, or if I am, it's strictly from using my mind and reason and going where it leads.

I do have gratitude for what I've got. I am financially secure, in a career I enjoy (software), have health, hobbies and houses. I have hate, pain, anger and rage occasionally, when I feel deprived or whatnot (not that I feel I'm owed anything, but you know), but I don't have anything definite like ADD, clinical depression whatever. I'm just sad that I have so much I want to be able to share, authentically, and make the most of my life. Life is short and could be beautiful.

Do I really need to dwell on my mother to fix my issues?

I've been told I'm so much in the head. Actually I think I'm equally in the heart. When in the head it's because I value reason and if my thoughts can reach the forebrain, it feels like it would be a win, checkmate.

I'm looking for connections. I make a lot but they're fragile. I'm willing to adapt but in some ways I can't. I really struggle. I'm too slow and whatever. Actually around certain types I crush it, if I don't mess it up. Not just romantically but certain types I really hit it off with including romantically but they're rare. They're also my types so it's a match. The rest I'm totally willing but it just doesn't work. I'm in Minnesota btw. This place is nice on the surface but I feel like it's very fake, inauthentic, intrusive about what doesn't concern them and many other things. Just like their priorities are so different from what I would consider important, but this is just below the surface. I'm not talking politics but culture. I don't care for politics but it's downstream of culture and yeah they are different in that respect but I care about connection. Everything is too fast and crazy and feel like I'm welcome and respected one moment and then the next persona non grata.

I feel like Disney's hercules, where do I belong? Belonging. I've slowly tried and largely managed, help from different sources but honestly mostly on my own, to put pieces of my life together, career etc. Many missteps I made, which also cost me time but I put a lot together. When I lived in different places, and I've lived around the country and world, I probably was in better cultures and geographic location for my needs. I'm sure I was. I have eyes and ears and memories. It's just that only here in the last several years did the career and house situation start to come together, and other things, so only now do I feel 100% ready, that other stuff can be ruled out. Only in Minnesota did I get the other pieces established and yet struggle with this emotional one. Btw I'm originally from a city in ND.

I have always hustled. I'm a pretty resourceful and DIY kind of guy so that's why this is particularly painful and why I occasionally have the sense of helplessness that I do. I've tried all I could think to try. As I continue on my journey I'm starting to rule things out as false leads, which I tried. I'm not saying dealing with early mother issues is one but maybe it is but I'm starting to consciously close off to certain ideas, which is interesting for someone who has always been open. I never want to close to anything but that's a kind of change in me, the saying of No to certain ideas and suggestions as they come to me! I don't know what's been bringing this out. It's so new. I've always been skeptical of dogma and I guess there was a little hidden dogma about openness and equality of ideas..

I don't want to try be like anyone else, any role model. Life's too short to copy, so I'm not trying to copy any given masculine archetype be it Patten or Chopin or whomever but I'm finding this to be sweetly masculine in line with how they act and are (but which you couldn't achieve by copying). Would they worry about the relationship they had with their mothers? How does this "excavating" stuff even square with what other advice we hear about being in the present?

The present is challenging enough. Asserting your desires, negotiating your relationships and pursuing your visions. I already struggle enough with this.

But I did have a crap set of parents who hardly trained me. So much waste and my dad is still the most naive and happy go lucky man I know. He didn't even manage his own investments that did so well on the money he's inherited. He gets up early to read the bible as he used to get up early to drive the tractor, and he treats people nice and is not reckless but is conservative, but for what he's worth he's had by and large no responsibilities on his shoulders, fewer than any man I know, and has made few decisions. On family trip asks my younger sister to make basic ones as she's getting stressed by that, while I learn later she was also going through a marriage breakup at the time. So I know there are things. I just feel like it's useless.

I don't know what to do to move forward and not waste my precious years. I either always blunder or can't find my people. I have some really nice male friendships. I'm grateful for them. I have to try harder at focusing, and doing things like throwing parties and being a leader. I think I've always been on track, it's just I've had to educate myself and unlearn so much and I am kind of different (but more normal in europe) and it's always been for me a race against the clock. I'll be 50 in 10 years. I don't feel "old" and I'm not against getting old. In fact I actually feel healthier and stronger than my early years. I'm not at the right way-point for my age. Like I said for me it's been a race against the clock to be the man I need to be and find my people, create my kindgom and community, but at the same time this does seem like a crazy place and there are modern challenges. I missed the college window for various reasons, being at the wrong college. I missed the high school window because of my parents and things, my brother's with downs syndrom and not being in team sport. I missed the early twenties window roaming about and not having a career (but also not knowing how). I missed the pre tinder smartphone window when people were perhaps more natural.

Look I hate excuses and that sort of thing. If as a man who hates how this is sounding and wants to help me get fixed and bang some strength into me, just tell me in list format what to do or try. I have hobbies, lift weights, have male friends, I have a library, I try take action, I try hustle as much as I can so do your thing but keep that in mind. I can always use new ideas but I have been around the block. Good ideas, the tried and true classics make things better, but not enough. Almost like doing them prevents punishment but doesn't grant reward. But hey, maybe life is just harder than I thought. But I'm doing well or am satisfied in every other respect and I see others with families. It's so deep in our dna having families, I shouldn't for some strange reason be the first in a line of hundreds of thousands to not understand. And yet for males it's always been a competition. And yet I have a pretty good life and a lot to offer. And yet I'm maybe more complex and am living in a strange place, and missed key windows and so now might be on hard mode. And yet THEY SAY a man's attractiveness increases with age peaking in 40s or whatever. But I think that's to some degree conditional.

But I'm just trying to forebrain it and once I do, then I can relax. I am always relaxed after I have solved something. It's not just about girls. It's about connection and community more broadly but those i hit it off with are more nerdy hot, intelligent and/or different in some way, like me. Like attracts like definitely true for me. But being different, like a masters and a phd girl I briefly crosses paths with, each european in my small town college, they have their own unusual plans and destinations. So here I am.

I am ready to receive. Ready to put my happiness first and not be an altruism martyr and deny pleasure and true happiness.. if I can find it

Life has always been hard. Don't wanna get dogmatic on you but we've each been given our issues. You have yours, I have mine, the long expanse of loneliness and loss upon loss, hoping the next one is a gain. But you have your completely different issues that I could probably hardly understand. Though I'm really good at hearing any type of authentic speech without judging and am really naturally good with conflict resolution when emotions are hot, I was not made to help people with their issues or even understand them. I see that
really clearlyy now

Dear Zguvpron,

Welcome to the Forums.

It is very nice to meet you. I admire you for your open mindedness and fair mindedness. Those virtues are often difficult to find. Perhaps I am biased because I am a philosophy instructor. I hope you will find these Forums a warm, friendly and helpful site. You sound like an interesting and remarkable person and I will be interested in reading whatever you post here.

When I was in graduate school working on a PhD in philosophy I had professors from so many diverse outlooks. One was a Marxist. Another had a passion for American philosophers. There was a man whose beliefs centered on ideas of Medieval thinkers. One woman was interested in Asian ideas. There was a nihilist atheist philosopher. One professor had been in a Communist prison and had very anti-Marxist views. There was an Aristotelian, a Platonist, a Logical Positivist, a Linguistic philosopher and many others.

These individuals disagreed on almost everything and yet we would all get together for dinners, parties, picnics and such and there was a lot of friendship and camaraderie. People would go all out to help colleagues in trouble. Those were very happy times for me and the memories of that times are very vivid and cherished. You seem quite philosophical to me and I think you would have been most welcome in that group.

I wish you the very best here on the Forums and in your continuing life journey.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen PS: Sorry my command of English is not very good.

Hello Zguvpron: I'm sorry I doubt there's going to be much of anything I can offer you here. But I noticed this is your first post. So... welcome to MSF. I hope you find the forums to be of benefit.

Reading your post, the one thing that occurs to me is to suggest you look into the concept of Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) if that's a subject you've not yet mined, so to speak. There's a forum, here on MSF, on the subject of CEN. Here's a link:

https://mysupportforums.org/childhoo...ional-neglect/

And then, also, here's a link to Dr. Jonice Webb's informational webpage on the subject:

About Emotional Neglect | Dr. Jonice Webb

My best wishes to you...

*Bible. Welcome! So Sorry that you are struggling! i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters about Wishing you the very best on the forums as we have one dedicated to childhood emotional neglect as well. Feel free to explore all the other forums as well if you want to! Contact the admins and moderators in case you need further assistance. Sorry i don't have much advice as far as relationships are concerned. Have you considered seeing a therapist? Perhaps that may help. Do consider seeing a professional. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Zguvpron, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

I would say look into therapy or adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families groups.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

It sounds like your mother’s high standards got in the way of her being able to love unconditionally. That’s important for children to have from a mother. I am concerned that you developed high stands that may be preventing you from engaging in an actual loving relationship. I agree with Zkeeskys that it may help if you do some mining into childhood emotional neglect.

I am sorry for how your mother passed, that’s a very hard life experience to heal from.

Zguvpron

Hope you find consolation that these issues can happen to any grown adult. It's very sad to learn that your mother had other very serious problems.

Can understand what you are saying. As children we look to our parents to provide love and guidance. The level of guidance seems to be the most difficult to achieve. No parent should ever expect their child to be an exact copy of themselves. There is a saying "be yourself, everyone else is taken". You develop a unique personality which parents can also find difficult to accept.

My mother has a totally different attitude to my younger brother. It's nothing new and probably stems from her mother's attitude to her. It's part of growing up that brings these issues to the fore and how we choose to deal with them. As her only daughter, she's expected me to behave in a certain way. In other words, how she was brought up. Yes, I can be outspoken (not offensive) but I refuse to be trampled on. I've taken criticism and acted on it, where it was justified. Now in my mid-60s, I've decided enough is enough. Very often, a child can be accused of showing no parental respect because you don't follow their ideas to the letter.

It isn't too late for you to address this and find the rational guidance/ perspective to deal with these issues. Soul-searching can be upsetting, enlightening, educating and much more. As a friend recently said to me "by opening your mind, you've realised that there's so much to be explored".

I hope this makes sense