Question about Acquaintance...

Since the pandemic I have gotten friendly with a co worker.

In a three way phone conversation (with another friend and co worker) he opened up a little and told some stories from a mutual boss we had. I was aware he has worked for this boss but had no idea it had been for a year.

This boss was abusive to me (and it turns out everyone else).

But, this co worker friend mentioned that the exact same abuse that was lavished on me was lavished on him for a year -- BEFORE -- just before -- I came to work there. The co worker went on to a non abusive boss. But it got me thinking about how this co worker didn't really try to help me when I arrived. No kind words, no tips for the unwary. When this co worker covered for me he didn't do any of the "covering" and I usually got hammered when I came back in that this wasn't done or that wasn't done.

This could be forgiven when I assumed the co worker didn't know the true extent of it but now, he admitted he knew exactly what would happen. He had been subjected to it himself.

On the one hand of course I don't expect him to ride in and banish my abusers but on the other hand now, thinking back, I never really got a heads up (like assistance with my work or suggesting that I get another job) for years.

Am I overreacting? Or am I wisely realizing that this guy is just out for himself and I should stop assisting him.

I don’t think it’s an overreaction, though on the other hand, abuse can be isolating and make people afraid to speak out as well. You never know what will happen if you confide in a colleague, especially a new one, and sometimes even an abusive boss can seem/literally be better than not having a job (I don’t condone working for such people, but it’s easy to see why someone might stick with a terrible job instead of leaving). It’s hard for me to see why he didn’t do the work he was meant to while covering, though.
I am sorry you’ve had to deal with all this, whether he’s out for himself or not it sucks, either way. It probably would be a good idea to maintain a more professional boundary with him from now on, if you feel he’s not entirely trustworthy.

So sorry for what you've been through! i agree with the wise and wonderful RoxanneTotot about perhaps being hard to speak up when dealing with abusive situations. i also don't know why he didn't tell you anything or didn't do much to Help. Perhaps that would be something worth bringing up with him? i understand it is not easy to talk about it. i think it is a question worth asking to him though. That is just my opinion. It is up to you to decide. i do think it may be scary to speak up in certain work environments although it depends on the person as Well i think. i may be wrong obviously. Sending many Safe, Warm hugs to BOTH you, @NatalieJastrow, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

The 3rd friend on the line - we bond over having abusive bosses. And one thing we agree on is that we go out of our way to get work done for those we know have abusive bosses... because we know, when the work isn't done.. the coward boss would never take it up with a person he doesn't know and would harass his employee.

In the case where someone doesn't believe you have an abusive boss, they might slack off when covering because they think YOU should do it... but if in fact, the person covering KNOWs the consequences for the person .... that kind of really makes me feel that this guy knew and didn't care.

I think then that you’re quite likely right about him, what you wrote does give me the same impression. Talk about being thrown under the bus!

He may have thought it was best to stay out of hot water.

Maybe he didn't know you well at that time to share such information.. or thought it would be unprofessional and inappropriate to share this. Now you've become friends and he's more comfortable with you.

Maybe it was a gender issue with regards to feeling emasculated and was too embarrassed to share.

Maybe as revenge, he behaved in a passive-aggressive way towards this boss by not completing the job.

Maybe he filled in for you without being given a say and having to work with this boss caused him further stress.

My point is, you can't assume. Abuse is abuse and when in that situation, we often don't behave "well" due to fear.

I wouldn't say anything more about it.

Oh I am not saying anything at all. My specialty is ghosting people.

But I admit I can see him not saying anything at first... but he was tasked with training me and he could have trained me in a way that would have me watching out for issues that would come up... also, for him not to ever tell this story until we had been working together for 17 years and the abuser is long gone...

Time to stop accepting his calls.

This is the part that really stands out for me. I gather that he knew the job perfectly well, he agreed to cover, and then he chose not to do what was needed. The fact that the boss was abusive just adds painful icing to the cake of his disregard for you.

There are many people who don't imho properly cover. But what is getting to me is that he knew the results from the "inside".

It now make me wonder what he is soo friendly with me now. Perhaps he felt bad before knowing he was going to make life difficult for me.

Thanks for your reply, which makes sense to me.