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Poohbah
Werewoman
Is a bit, well...wered.
Member Since: May 2014
Location: Betelgeuse
Posts: 1,472
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#1
I always knew my mother was abusive, but I see now there's a part of me that wanted dad to be safe, but he's not safe for me either.
He has lived with my husband and me for just over three years. I truly believed he would be with me until he died. He's 83 now. Ever since he's been with us, he always talks about buying a car. I drove him anywhere he needed to go until recently. It was really stressing me out because he always comes up with someplace else to go. Sometimes we are out shopping for 4 or 5 hours. It had gotten too far out of hand, so he began using a local car service for seniors. I thought the problem was solved. Nope. This past week, dad comes home with a car, if you could call it that. It was pretty banged up. We couldn't figure out how he managed it. He only gets social security. Turns out one of the car service drivers sold it to him and was going to let him make payments. So knowing full well that my husband and I made it very clear to him that the reason we wouldn't let him drive is because we worry about his safety as well as others on the road, he still chose to go around us. I was furious, but I knew I couldn't deal with him without losing it so my husband agreed to talk to him. I thought it was over, at least for the time being. Shortly after my husband left for work that afternoon, Dad calls my phone. I hung it up because I was too unstable emotionally to deal with him. Then he stood at the bottom of the stairs shouting my name. I thought surely he'd realize that I didn't want to talk to him. The next thing I knew he had managed to get up the stairs (very bad knees) and pounded on my bedroom door. I lost it completely. I screamed at him several times to go away. He started talking, most of which I didn't hear because I was now screaming at him to shut up - at least a dozen times but he just kept coming at me. I shook from head to toe, and I can't stand to look at him. It makes my heart rate go up as well as my anxiety. My throat hurt like hell the next day. I don't come out of my room if my husband isn't there. __________________ You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. ~ Robin Williams Did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage? ~ Pink Floyd |
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Discombobulated, mssweatypalms, Open Eyes, RoxanneToto, TunedOut
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seesaw
grieving
Member Since: Apr 2014
Location: Home
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#2
I'm sorry this is happening to you. I don't have any solutions. I just know what it feels like to have a parent terrorize you. (((Werewoman))) HUGS!
__________________ What if I fall? Oh, my dear, but what if you fly? Primary Dx: C-PTSD and Severe Chronic Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder Secondary Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder with mild Agoraphobia. Meds I've tried: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Risperidone, Abilify, Prazosin, Paxil, Trazadone, Tramadol, Topomax, Xanax, Propranolol, Valium, Visteril, Vraylar, Selinor, Clonopin, Ambien Treatments I've done: CBT, DBT, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Talk therapy, psychotherapy, exercise, diet, sleeping more, sleeping less... |
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Werewoman
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Open Eyes
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divine1966
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Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
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#3
I hear you. It’s not easy. Don’t get me started. It’s rough. I am sorry you deal with it. Does he have dementia?
My dad is same age. It’s hard to take care of elderly parents. Mine is still in ok shape and needs very little help but it won’t last forever and he is so stubborn he probably won’t even move in with me or my bro so we’d have to drive back and forth. Mine is also very difficult, he is quiet but still a pain. Now he all of a sudden refuses to let us clean his house. But it’s becoming unsanitary. So I try to do it when he is distracted. I manage what I can before he wises up and starts arguing. Makes me think of people who don’t take care of their elderly parents but complain how other people don’t clean that well after their elderly parents or don’t do this or that. Must be nice judging doing nothing seating on the bleachers! You do what you can! I commend you for taking him in but oh boy it’s insanity. Buying old car and yelling banging on doors omg I am sorry. The only suggestion I have is taking breaks from dealing with him. As long as dad isn’t in danger, put headphones on and close your door and take a break. But it’s just too hard. Hopefully he gets tired and goes takes a nap |
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RoxanneToto, TunedOut, Werewoman
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Poohbah
Werewoman
Is a bit, well...wered.
Member Since: May 2014
Location: Betelgeuse
Posts: 1,472
1,217 hugs
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#4
He told my cousin, Dr. Jeff, that he has dementia, but his doctor here hasn't said anything in that regard and he seems okay...usually. Frankly, he's more immature if you ask me.
Regardless, I can't feel safe with my dad here anymore because 1) he always waits until my husband leaves to say or do something he knows my husband would never approve of. This behavior is what led up to recent events. He was very angry after my husband told him he had to take the car back. That and hubby caught him in a big lie and called him on it. So I get that he was upset, but 2) he has absolutely no business living in the same house with a mentally ill person. He doesn't give a rats *** if he triggers me to the point of hysteria. My therapist had to talk me down and I seriously considered going IP because I didn't want to see what would happen next. __________________ You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. ~ Robin Williams Did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage? ~ Pink Floyd |
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Open Eyes, RoxanneToto, TunedOut
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divine1966
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Location: US
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#5
Is there any way for you to leave the house for few hours when your husband is at work?
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Werewoman
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Poohbah
Werewoman
Is a bit, well...wered.
Member Since: May 2014
Location: Betelgeuse
Posts: 1,472
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#6
Yes, but it's MY house. Plus, there are times when I can't drive because of my treatments, so yes it is an option and the first day after all this happened, I left the house when my husband did and stayed gone all evening.
__________________ You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. ~ Robin Williams Did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage? ~ Pink Floyd |
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Legendary Wise Elder
divine1966
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Location: US
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#7
Yeah I don’t mean leave and never come back, just give yourself a break from him. Especially when he acts out. I know it’s hard
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Poohbah
Werewoman
Is a bit, well...wered.
Member Since: May 2014
Location: Betelgeuse
Posts: 1,472
1,217 hugs
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#8
__________________ You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. ~ Robin Williams Did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage? ~ Pink Floyd |
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poshgirl
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#9
Werewoman, please excuse me if I'm going to sound blunt. It's based solely on how I feel at the moment. As children we expect to have the correct guidance from parents, but dare I say, we do not deserve our parents behaving badly. As we become adults, that unacceptable behaviour is more noticeable.
Putting aside those people actually diagnosed with dementia or displaying signs of it, there are others like your father and my mother who feel they have a right to behave in this way. I do not live with my mother, thankfully. My mother does not shout, instead she constantly brings up the same subject each time I see her. This can go on for months, then all's quiet before she finds something else to "pick away" at. Each time a subject is raised, it makes no difference if I repeat the same response. Then it's time for tears. It's almost like she's trying to wear me down to change my stance. Every time she's raised the latest subject, I've walked out (a family rift not caused by me, but for which she says I should apologise for the sake of her health). The advice given to go out, if only for a few hours, is sound. I did this a couple of weeks ago and it really helped. Have caught up on jobs around house and garden. Covid and lockdowns haven't helped and I can understand frustrations generated. Stay strong and rise above it. It's tough but you're not alone |
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Discombobulated, Werewoman
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MickeyCheeky
My echo is the only voice coming back
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Location: Italy
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#10
i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters. Please do consider going out for a bit when you feel stressed out. So Sorry this is happening. i think it can be hard to deal with parents as they get old. Is there anyone in your Family whom may be able to assist you and your Husband somehow? Please take things one step at the time. Just try to do the Best you can. Sorry if my post isn't really Helpful but i Hope things Improve between you and your Family. Sending many Safe, Warm hugs to BOTH you, @Werewoman, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Werewoman
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Legendary Wise Elder
Open Eyes
Not a Unicorn, just another horse
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
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#11
Is there a way to get your father in an assisted living place instead of living with you? I don’t know what is available in your state.
Last edited by Open Eyes; May 02, 2021 at 07:13 PM.. |
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Poohbah
Werewoman
Is a bit, well...wered.
Member Since: May 2014
Location: Betelgeuse
Posts: 1,472
1,217 hugs
given |
#12
Quote:
Also, I do frequently leave the house, usually to have dinner with my girlfriend, but sometimes I just drive down to the lake. The day this happened, I had just had a ketamine infusion a few hours earlier, and I can't drive for 48 hours so I was trapped. The effects of the ketamine hadn't even completely worn off yet. __________________ You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. ~ Robin Williams Did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage? ~ Pink Floyd |
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Open Eyes, RoxanneToto
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Open Eyes, RoxanneToto
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Open Eyes
Not a Unicorn, just another horse
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#13
Oh that’s good that you are taking action to resolve this challenge. He may fair better if he is in a place he can socialize with others his age.
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Werewoman
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Werewoman
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modestlychee6463
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Member Since: Mar 2021
Location: MA: Stanberry, Missouri
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#14
I went through a rather similar situation of a father like this being so stubborn and I had to try my hardest to be empathetic. I would make sure to take his driver's license away without him knowing it. Then he wouldn't be able to drive again, and no one would be able to sell him a car.
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RoxanneToto, Werewoman
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modestlychee6463
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#15
Can you hire in home help? It would relieve this burden.
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Poohbah
Werewoman
Is a bit, well...wered.
Member Since: May 2014
Location: Betelgeuse
Posts: 1,472
1,217 hugs
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#16
__________________ You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. ~ Robin Williams Did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage? ~ Pink Floyd |
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Grand Poohbah
RoxanneToto
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Location: England
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#17
I really feel for you and hope you can find somewhere suitable for him to go. I haven’t been terrorised as such by my own dad, but I see similarities in his behaviour that you describe in your dad (e.g. going against the wishes of XYZ person when they were out of the way), so I can understand some of the stress you might be under.
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Werewoman
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Werewoman
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Poohbah
Werewoman
Is a bit, well...wered.
Member Since: May 2014
Location: Betelgeuse
Posts: 1,472
1,217 hugs
given |
#18
Update: my dad now lives in a senior complex just across the road about a quarter mile or so away.
I have not been to see him. I am so stuck! Everytime I try, I get too anxious and I chicken out. It's strictly a PTSD response, I know, called avoidance, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier to try to dislodge it from my brain. __________________ You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. ~ Robin Williams Did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage? ~ Pink Floyd |
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Discombobulated, hvert, Open Eyes, poshgirl
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Legendary Wise Elder
Open Eyes
Not a Unicorn, just another horse
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Location: Northeast USA
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#19
From what you have shared you did the right thing. You needed to have your home be your own space. It’s understandable that you don’t want to visit him right now as he may complain and act out and try to encourage you to feel embarrassed and guilty.
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Werewoman
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Werewoman
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Member
BorisTheAnimal
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Member Since: Jul 2021
Location: NJ
Posts: 31
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#20
Sorry to hear what you're experiencing. It has some similarities to what I am dealing with now with my 84 year old dad. Hopefully, we all can help each other here.
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Werewoman
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Werewoman
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