Describing others as toxic people

That’s your opinion.

I think that there are people who grab that label for small stuff and small disagreements.

I know I use it to describe very unhealthy behaviors. Mostly about my sister who has behaved so badly right in front of people it’s actually embarrassing. Actually toxic is rather mild in comparison to what terms I have heard others use tbh.

I think labeling someone toxic can be seen in a few ways. When it comes to someone who has been abused multiple times and they are in a relationship with a manipulative person who abuses them then those people are toxic. I don’t think it matters if the person calling the other person toxic has been in abusive relationships their whole life or if they are a completely healthy person that somehow stumbled into a relationship with somebody who is toxic. It’s a very personal label in my opinion. At least when it comes to experience.

I think people who generally use the word toxic all over the place for anything that happens that is negative, is different than someone Who may have been in multiple abusive situations.

I struggle with the idea of people tolerating abuse and then other people saying they are allowing something to happen. A distinction has to be made as far as people that have been abused, and people that just seem to have no understanding of how to have healthy relationships.

Haven’t we all had that friend who constantly complains about everything? Work, school, personal relationships, romantic relationships: all they do is complain and talk about wanting to solve the problem yet somehow stay in those relationships or situation, not really wanting to change anything? In those rare circumstances I guess I would say that person sort of feeds off of the idea of toxic people. Sometimes these people will use the word toxic to rationalize unacceptable behavior.

But that has nothing to do with the many people who have legitimately been in abusive relationships. Or grown-up in a situation that has taught them that abuse is tolerable. That abuse is part of a romantic relationship. That abuse should be an acceptable form of relating to a partner.

I’m surprised at people who are saying that toxic people are more rare or maybe a result of the person calling them toxic. Don’t you think most people have had an experience with a toxic person? Or at least a person who is toxic and not necessarily abused you? Hasnt everyone experienced the person in the office who is a **** stirrer and stirs the pot in order to feed off the drama?
Maybe not I suppose but I think if there was some kind of scientific study done you would find that most people have had some kind of an experience like that.

I also think if there were some kind of scientific study done, you would find that there’s large swath of people that at one time or another have been in abusive relationships.
And if you were to dig deeper you may find that those who have been in at least one abusive relationship have grown up with abuse, experienced trauma, have PTSD or are in treatment for a mental health issue. That’s not to say that anyone with a mental health issue will always be in abusive relationships. I don’t want to imply that mental illness somehow makes you incapable of healthy relationships.

So I think the word toxic can apply in the general sense to a person that you have interacted with that behaves in a way that brings an air of negativity wherever they are.
At the same time I do struggle with the overuse of words such as toxic, narcissist, narcissism, etc. specifically when it comes to narcissism I think some people will just throw that term out without truly understanding what it is like to experience a relationship with a narcissist. To me it’s like everyone saying they are bipolar. Something happens with their moods or they get upset and then happy and they say they are bipolar or they say
“I’m so bipolar today “.

Ultimately what does it matter if someone uses the word toxic frequently in their life? It’s really not my business to judge whether they are genuinely in a relationship with a toxic person, or if it is somehow their fault for tolerating that behavior. It is not my business to judge an experience that somebody else has. I know I’ve judged people At one time or another and I regret that. Only because I try to use compassion and empathy when it comes to forming relationships or interacting in general with other people. So when the mirror turns and faces me and I realize that I have judged somebody, especially if it ends up being unfairly, I try to reevaluate my behavior and determine what it is about the other person that made me feel I had a right to judge their experiences.

A phrase or quote that I made up is this: “toxic people are like toxic waste- they both need to get dumped. “

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So according to @sarahsweets definition, I am also toxic because I've been in an abusive marriage with a partner who has been manipulative, and since I have had multiple abusive partners before him? That's not right at all.

According to Psychology Today:

“Toxic” is obviously not a formal psychological term but rather is descriptive of how people often feel when dealing with certain individuals. Toxic describes interactions where boundaries are often blurred, where individuals themselves and/or their behaviors are felt to be difficult, challenging, demanding, often adversarial. Toxic relationships are not fueled by mutual care and support but are often skewed to accommodate an individual’s needs and demands.

If we're going to continue to use the term, let's at least get the definition correct.

My husband has been the toxic one in this relationship, not myself. He has been difficult, challenging, demanding and adversarial, not me. So, I am not myself toxic - he has been toxic to me. Now wer'e in counseling and we're trying to resolve this and make the relationship healthier together. There's nothing toxic about that.

My goodness. What I see here is people who like to use that word to describe people upset and defending why they need to use that word. Use it if you like. It does say something to others when you are describing relationships to other people and person after person is described as abusive and "toxic." Until you fix what is in you that's attracting and allowing these people in your life, this will be your lot in life. Period. You do you. You can go to a million counselors trying to fix that other person. You will just be doing that with person after person until you fix the WHY this person is in your life.

According to the definition "toxic is a feeling". In that case, toxic may breed toxic feelings in each person in a relationship. We only KNOW our own feelings about someone else. Bottom line is, when continuous fighting exists in a relationship, there are issues on BOTH sides & each person most likely feels the other person is toxic if they choose to define it that way.

I know before I left my marriage I am sure my now ex "felt" I was just as "toxic" to him as he was "toxic" to me....even though he didn't want the marriage to end & I did. Many times "toxic breeds toxic" & then the whole relationship gets destroyed. When I was dealing with that relationship, I saw that my response to his kind of abuse was an abuse in my own way retaliating to it. The personalities of each person involved basically determines the kind of response will occur. I am a fighter, don't mess with me kind of person so when I "feel" someone is toxic, I used to respond in my own like manner as my defense. Now I walk away because I don't want or need those kind of people in my life & they are firm boundaries now... most times cast in concrete

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Originally Posted by Have Hope So according to @sarahsweets definition, I am also toxic because I've been in an abusive marriage with a partner who has been manipulative, and since I have had multiple abusive partners before him? That's not right at all. According to Psychology Today: “Toxic” is obviously not a formal psychological term but rather is descriptive of how people often feel when dealing with certain individuals. Toxic describes interactions where boundaries are often blurred, where individuals themselves and/or their behaviors are felt to be difficult, challenging, demanding, often adversarial. Toxic relationships are not fueled by mutual care and support but are often skewed to accommodate an individual’s needs and demands. If we're going to continue to use the term, let's at least get the definition correct. My husband has been the toxic one in this relationship, not myself. He has been difficult, challenging, demanding and adversarial, not me. So, I am not myself toxic - he has been toxic to me. Now wer'e in counseling and we're trying to resolve this and make the relationship healthier together. There's nothing toxic about that.

Why would you think I think you are toxic? If I somehow typed that I’ll need to edit because that’s not what I meant at all

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So toxic is a feeling? I had not thought of it that way eskie. So basically people are sharing what social behaviors and types of individuals are too emotionally uncomfortable for them to be around or interact with.

I am thinking about this in terms of my older sister who insists on having all the control and power otherwise for her unless things go her way someone is bad. It’s all about HER feelings and drama otherwise she rages it has to be her way with everything according to her feelings. She even states with her there is only one rule. “Do as she says”.

In fact she would insist all members posting in this thread agree with her otherwise ya’ll would be toxic or bad.

I agree that this matter is complex and there are several different aspects to it.


Additionally, I agree that there can be several reasons for someone to use the word "toxic".

I think it's interesting to hear from about all the aspects as long as there is no judging or insisting to oversimplify how it works when someone gets exploited, manipulated or abused, etc.


No, I did not mention anything about their experiences. I made sure to clarify that that is not what I am talking about. Please try and understand what I originally meant. Thank you for the effort.

What I did say in that post and what did feel was that they did not display an understanding and it felt invalidating for me though I did not take it personally so I thought I would just like to speak up more about my opinion about the topic in general.

So, I would not like to argue about this. If they have an issue with my post, they can let me know themselves. I hope you understand. Thank you.

True. There are good books on this topic. E.g. the one about the High conflict personality. These books - incl. that one - have clear guidelines about how to identify such people and such behaviour, then how to find and keep boundaries etc. With an emphasis on how it's about extreme behaviours that most people would not display.

Which definition does emphasise that the majority of people (luckily) are not toxic. But it does also point out how these things do still exist (unfortunately). And how to differentiate between the two.



That is a really good point too. If someone has unhealed childhood trauma they will have a disadvantage in terms of that until it's healed. And lots of people have such childhood trauma.



Yes. I really like the way you worded the last sentence. Really good wording for some reason. Internal radar, danger for psychological damage, self-care and self-preservation, yeah.


I do think though that you don't have to have your spirit actually damaged. Maybe a risk of that if things go on long enough but even then... I'd like to believe that it's usually not true damage with it being irreversible or anything like that. Maybe damage to outer layers, losing vitality but not forever. If that made sense.







A lot of great useful distinctions in here.

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I struggle with the idea of people tolerating abuse and then other people saying they are allowing something to happen. A distinction has to be made as far as people that have been abused, and people that just seem to have no understanding of how to have healthy relationships.

And yes, very good distinction again.

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I’m surprised at people who are saying that toxic people are more rare or maybe a result of the person calling them toxic. Don’t you think most people have had an experience with a toxic person? Or at least a person who is toxic and not necessarily abused you? Hasnt everyone experienced the person in the office who is a **** stirrer and stirs the pot in order to feed off the drama?

Yes. Unfortunately I used to ignore and deny the existence of such things. That really bit me in the ****** in the end. So now I try to tell people that they need to watch out for themselves, and recognise and accept that such things do exist, and be prepared for them and know how to avoid them, how to put boundaries up around all this. All that is a very important part of psychoeducation to me.

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Ultimately what does it matter if someone uses the word toxic frequently in their life? It’s really not my business to judge whether they are genuinely in a relationship with a toxic person, or if it is somehow their fault for tolerating that behavior. It is not my business to judge an experience that somebody else has. I know I’ve judged people At one time or another and I regret that. Only because I try to use compassion and empathy when it comes to forming relationships or interacting in general with other people. So when the mirror turns and faces me and I realize that I have judged somebody, especially if it ends up being unfairly, I try to reevaluate my behavior and determine what it is about the other person that made me feel I had a right to judge their experiences.

That's a great note and insightful to me. Thank you for this.

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Originally Posted by Open Eyes So toxic is a feeling? I had not thought of it that way eskie. So basically people are sharing what social behaviors and types of individuals are too uncomfortable for them to be around or interact with. I am thinking about this in terms of my older sister who insists on having all the control and power otherwise for her unless things go her way someone is bad. It’s all about HER feelings and drama otherwise she rages it has to be her way with everything according to her feelings. She even states with her there is only one rule. “Do as she says”.

I get that it is a way of expressing how we feel about someone's behaviors. Remember, what is toxic behavior to you may just feel like a "pain in the @$$" to someone else because they have different coping skills.

Like my ex, someone else could have seen him as a great husband while my standards of "great" are much different than someone else's & I saw his behavior as financially abusive where others could have seen it as just incompetent. While at the same time you called the MIA lawyer of mine "toxic" while I see it as an annoyance that I have to deal with & get on with my legal issues.

There are some people I will be around & even help but will NEVER allow into my personal space to be friends with. The people up at the barn are an example of that. While I have a very good friend who is a great part of my life & she & I see things politically in a total different light & any political discussions do get very animated (not heated or angry)

I definitely get how words like "toxic" describe our own feeling about someone or a situation. While others may totally agree, that agreement is based on their own feelings while someone else may see them totally different.

My mom thought my husband was great & I was the bad person for fighting with him. Lol....she never had a concept of reality but by the end of my marriage there was absolutely NOTHING my husband could do that was right. Sadly he has proven my point of view to be accurate

It is a feeling to me, yes, the particular way these things affect me.



I think that it's also about luck. That different types of manipulative people will manipulate differently, or different types of toxic people will have a different effect on you (whether intentional manipulation or not intentional at all), and it's luck if one hasn't run into people who could affect them deeply enough like that. Because everyone has different vulnerabilities, and not everyone is going to manage to touch on them.

So I really think it has nothing to do with being healthy or unhealthy. If you (general you) are a healthy person but someone finds a way to e.g. lie to you effectively enough, then it's going to be a problem anyway

(See more below too, I'm responding to your newest post too)



Yes. Great way to put this. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses too. So this does partially influence this. And then someone may be at the best time in their lives, high vitality, lots of happiness, lots of resources and support, so they will be able to take more negativity than someone else who's already drained of their energy. This also partially influences things.

Then some things are of course too extreme for everyone, but then with some things this is individual, a pain in the ****** for someone and toxic poison for someone else as they can't clean it out fast enough. And vice versa, something else could be poison to the first person and only a PITA to the latter. But then yes, some things are going to be toxic for anyone. Lots of lying, or violence for example is not something anyone would want.



Yeah, I practice not engaging, too. I'm a fighter too and I also like constructive discussion so I used to think there was a point in interacting with the assumption that we each would look at our responsibilities, instead of escalating the issue into really bad, negative drama or other toxic behaviour leading nowhere. I used to believe that such people operate like the majority of people. But no, they do not operate like the majority. Too many issues of their own get in the way, probably. Either in general too many issues, or for the particular type of situation that's ongoing. But it's not my job to solve their issues. I have only one life and can't spend precious time on other people's issues like that. So I just do not engage.

Stephanie Bennett-Henry

Because you had written that if a person has had multiple abusive relationships and is in an another abusive relationship, that both people are toxic... my bad if I misunderstood! Sorry about that.