FAQ/Help |
Calendar |
Search |
Member
Member Since Dec 2016
Location: Italy
Posts: 257
7 205 hugs
given |
#1
I went there searching bc i dont know im not feeling strong love but at the same time i like him when together, i want to kiss and cuddle and explore his life and interests, im curious about him. I get jealous from time to time, I worry when he doesnt reply soon. I dont treat him as the same level of friends or family members. He treats me right and with respect. I never cried over him like my exes.
I feel more like this: than this: Yet, I feel like im the culprit here. Bc i dont feel strong love. Affection, yes. Keep in mind that i have BPD, so me not feeling love could be because of that? Here's our story together: 1) we met on dating app, we had a lot in common, mind blowing we had evertthing in common even we liked the same color or small things and sincronicities! we liked texting to each other, after 2 days we met. I was the first that asked to meet, then during that evening he asked me to have a relationship. I didnt feel initial chemistry and when i saw him at first I felt like in my mind I imagined him different (different aspect for ex.) and I felt let down. End of that evening I said yes and we kissed but i didnt feel anything. But Im demisexual, keep this in mind, maybe it is important. 2)honeymoon phase: I dont feel this, i like him and feel affection and interest but i dont feel intense love. there are no reasons, he is not causing that. 3)no issues or even arguments between us. but we only see once a week bc of his job, and i want to see him more than that. 4) no arguments really, maybe a few at the start bc of my trust issues ( i got played by a guy that wanted a friends with benefits situation so i told my partner over and over that i didnt want a Fwb story,) but we both handled them well. But keep in mind, we only see once a week so....its easy not to fight. No fights. No arguments. 5) there are no issues. i want to see him more but its my fault bc i never said that to him. so he thinks im ok with that. I need to say this to him. I dont want to be seen as clingy. __________________ At every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss.
|
Reply With Quote |
Legendary
Member Since Mar 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 10,924
15 24.1k hugs
given |
#2
It sounds to me as though this relationship is developing nicely.
I think it would be okay, and good, to say that you wish you could see more of him. What if you just continue in the relationship and see how things are in six months or in a year? |
Reply With Quote |
*Beth*, alpacalicious, blubbbrabbel, RoxanneToto
|
Member
Member Since Dec 2016
Location: Italy
Posts: 257
7 205 hugs
given |
#3
Hi, yes that is my thought. First, I need to ask him to see him more than once a week, I think i need to see more than him. Then see if there are developments.
At the moment its a very nice relationship, he is treating me very good, but makes me think, is that because we only see once a week? Its so easy to agree with each other by seeing each other so little. __________________ At every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss.
|
Reply With Quote |
RoxanneToto
|
*Beth*, Bill3
|
Legendary
Member Since Jun 2016
Location: Italy
Posts: 11,817
(SuperPoster!)
7 38.4k hugs
given |
#4
So Sorry things aren't going too wel! Please Do not give up! i agree with the wise and wonderful Bill3 about waiting a bit perhaps. Hugs. Perhaps you simply need some more time to make it work. Although i'd say a year is quite enough but everyone has their own time i think. Just give it a thougth and perhaps consider seeing him more if you're still unsure. Please keep us updated if you want to. Sending Love. Hope things will Improve soon. Do try your Best. Stay Safe. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @alpacalicious, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
|
Reply With Quote |
alpacalicious
|
Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,386
(SuperPoster!)
9 1,277 hugs
given |
#5
Well I keep hearing that people think feeling love has to be this crazy intense feeling. Usually intense feeling isn’t really love.
Having said that I find it curious that he isn’t interested in seeing you more than once a week. Usually it’s ok in the beginning but then most people would either want more or split. Of course you can ask to see him more but I just don’t understand why doesn’t he want to see you more Do you live far away from each other? |
Reply With Quote |
*Beth*, RoxanneToto
|
Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,094
(SuperPoster!)
6 3,628 hugs
given |
#6
I had to look up demisexual. I’ve never heard that term before. Do you feel an emotional connection to him? And I’m wondering why you said yes to a relationship on the first meeting if you didn’t feel chemistry? It sounds to me like you jumped in and said yes before deciding for yourself whether you really were completely interested. Chemistry is either there or it’s not. It cannot be fabricated or develop later. Same with love. After a year together you usually know whether you truly love someone or not, even if it is just once a week seeing each other. Lots of people can treat you nicely or respectfully, but if he doesn’t fully do it for you to feel you’re in love, what’s the point? Eventually you’ll break up because you know the chemistry’s not there. And you initially felt let down when you first met him, then sparks were not flying for you during the honeymooon phase as they should be. My main point is that if you never felt the chemistry in the initial stages, it won’t develop later. I get the sense you fell into this relationship vs fully evaluating and deciding that this guy is right for you. Seeing one another more won’t make up for a lack of chemistry. And I don’t think BPD would interfere with falling in love with someone though I don’t fully know.
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
Reply With Quote |
alpacalicious, Rive., RoxanneToto
|
Grand Poohbah
Member Since Aug 2020
Location: England
Posts: 1,692
3 6,991 hugs
given |
#7
I get what demisexuality is - unfortunately, as you know as well, seeing more of him and over a longer period of time won’t guarantee you’ll develop stronger feelings for him later. I agree it’s a factor you can’t really overlook, though. How do you think he would respond to you asking him to meet more often? It’s not an unreasonable request, though I’m also curious about why he doesn’t ask you if you can spend more time together. I’m only speculating of course, but it might be possible he’s just got comfortable with how things are, and doesn’t feel the need to try and move things to the next stage?
|
Reply With Quote |
alpacalicious
|
Veteran Member
Member Since Dec 2020
Location: Hungary
Posts: 505
3 172 hugs
given |
#8
Quote:
Hey. Sounds like you have strong affection for your boyfriend but no passionate, intense romantic chemistry or "manic, magic" happiness. Love is defined as deep affection and attachment so I would say that based on your words you do feel love for him but it's more the long-term kind of love maybe. Also, maybe he has no idea you'd like to be with him more often, and maybe that's why he doesn't ask to spend more time together. Or maybe he really is just waiting for you to openly want to spend more time with him. Who knows. You definitely should let him know though that you'd love to see him more often. PS: I personally have no idea if we should feel the kind of passionate love. I have no idea if it can ever last longer than a few months or a year or whatever it does for most people. Some people claim it can last much longer. I don't know the trick to that. |
|
Reply With Quote |
alpacalicious
|
alpacalicious, Bill3, RoxanneToto
|
Legendary
Member Since Nov 2020
Location: johnson city tn
Posts: 11,731
(SuperPoster!)
3 6 hugs
given |
#9
im curious to know if you have any type of reason for what prompted you to bring this up.
|
Reply With Quote |
alpacalicious, Bill3
|
Grand Magnate
Member Since Feb 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 4,703
10 172 hugs
given |
#10
I could really reply to this topic. Im in a post engagement relationship and all I want is my soulmate back, despite the fact that I walked away from him over 2 years ago. You’ll know if you “really” love someone or not. More importantly, do they love you?
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk |
Reply With Quote |
alpacalicious
|
Legendary
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,195
(SuperPoster!)
9 1,873 hugs
given |
#11
This is a psychology article about limerence and ROCD. I think it addresses issues touched upon in this thread. I put trigger icon because it may be triggering to view emotions in this light. I find it pertinent for me and triggering . I hope you find it helpful.
And just for the record… My grandma actually coined the term of limerence as far back as I can remember (early ‘70’s), because she had it, but she called it something in Yiddish that meant ‘unrequited obsessive sickness’. Actually, she had both limerence and ROCD, others in my family too, and so do I . You mentioned you have BPD, and I have traits, emotional issues, probably OCD. Limerence And ROCD: Signs, Causes, Treatment __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
Reply With Quote |
alpacalicious, leomama, RollercoasterLover
|
Member
Member Since Dec 2016
Location: Italy
Posts: 257
7 205 hugs
given |
#12
Quote:
well he works everyday till 5 pm afternoon. We usually see on the weekend bc during the week he works till that hour and its impossible to see, he is tired. We see in the week end once so next morning he is not at work. But i only see him 1 day of the weekend. The others he does stuff with his friends and i do too, i visit my friends. __________________ At every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss.
|
|
Reply With Quote |
Member
Member Since Dec 2016
Location: Italy
Posts: 257
7 205 hugs
given |
#13
Quote:
I feel this love some days, other days im neutral. Yes i jumped in this relationship and I think bpd plays a big part. Fear of being alone, the emptiness I feel with bpd. I need distractions and I find them in romantic relationships. I like that my partner likes me and he give me attention. __________________ At every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss.
|
|
Reply With Quote |
AzulOscuro, Have Hope
|
Member
Member Since Dec 2016
Location: Italy
Posts: 257
7 205 hugs
given |
#14
Quote:
He plan his days. __________________ At every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss.
|
|
Reply With Quote |
Member
Member Since Dec 2016
Location: Italy
Posts: 257
7 205 hugs
given |
#15
Quote:
I will try, set this goal for myself and tell him for sure...and see what he says. __________________ At every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss.
|
|
Reply With Quote |
Alive99
|
Member
Member Since Dec 2016
Location: Italy
Posts: 257
7 205 hugs
given |
#16
__________________ At every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss.
|
Reply With Quote |
Member
Member Since Dec 2016
Location: Italy
Posts: 257
7 205 hugs
given |
#17
Quote:
I have a few ocd tendencies that i recognize in myself, for example, sometimes I think that a song will bring me bad luck and if i skip over it i am safe. Other things i think will bring me bad luck and i do an action to preven that from happening. __________________ At every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss.
|
|
Reply With Quote |
Magnate
Member Since Sep 2013
Posts: 2,014
10 |
#18
It feels more like a friendship than a romantic relationship.
Either there are sparks... or there aren't. |
Reply With Quote |
Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,094
(SuperPoster!)
6 3,628 hugs
given |
#19
Quote:
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
|
Reply With Quote |
Member
Member Since Dec 2016
Location: Italy
Posts: 257
7 205 hugs
given |
#20
But there is sex and intimate things...he is not at the same level of my friends in my mind. i see him as a partner i want have a future with..maybe i already know the answer, that i do love him. Yesterday i was mentioning him every secondd to my friends....and now i have to see him and i feel nervous, happy...
__________________ At every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss.
|
Reply With Quote |
Alive99
|