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Jessy1239
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Member Since: Sep 2013
Location: California
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#1
Hi everyone. I'm just having a difficult time with something. Here's a short background. So, I've been with my current boyfriend for 2 years and I've never felt a love so strong before. My ex boyfriend and I were in a relationship for 8 years and we're still very close. We're just better off as friends. We like all the same things and have a mutual respect for each other.
My mom needs a lung transplant so I recently reached out to him to let him know. Him and my mom were always VERY close. So we've been texting a little here and there. Nothing crazy, just check in's and asking how she's doing. My current by is 13 years older than me and very self conscious about that and other things. Anyway...the other night we were having a great time and I went to sleep before him and had my cell phone under the pillow. I always have it there. So he comes in and sees a text message from my ex...I was half asleep and so confused but he got so angry. He told be to get out and never come back. I tried to explain what it was about but he wanted nothing to do with it. Anyway, long story short, he called me some bad things. Like a cheating ***** and a slut and some physical stuff. So i drove home that night. The next morning, I had a bunch of hospital appointments with my mom and my phone was on silent, it was hidden in my purse somewhere. So I get home pretty late and look at my phone. There's like 30 messages from him saying terrible things. Like really bad things. I couldn't listen to it anymore so I turned my phone off. He ended up drinking a bottle of vodka and a bunch of sleeping pills and driving to my apartment. I let him in (my mistake I know) and everything was calm and then all of a sudden he got crazy. Just like yelling at me and he tried to choke me. So i ran out of my apartment and told him I was going to call the cops. He must of left when i got back to my apartment. I live on the second floor and I could hear him yelling from the street. I was scared for him to drive but I was also scared of him. He got home safely just to message me nasty things and threats. So, around 2am, knowing he probably passed out, I explained everything about the texts with my ex bf and apologized and started self loathing a bit (that wasn't smart of me). But anyway...my question is this: Am I in the wrong for not mentioning that I told my ex boyfriend about my mom? Honestly, for me, its such an insignificant thing, I didn't even think to tell him. He's acting like I'm a ***** and calling me terrible names and everything. My ex and I rarely talk. Like RARELY. We've exchanged maybe 5 texts between each other in the last few weeks, ALL ABOUT MY MOM. I'm just confused and sad. What do I do now? |
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blubbbrabbel, hvert, Open Eyes, RollercoasterLover, RoxanneToto
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seesaw
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#2
This is just my opinion. If he reacted so violently to you texting your ex about your mom needing a lung transplant, then you need to end it. What you experience with him is not love. There can be no love where there is no trust. He does not trust you. He physically assaulted you (tried to choke you). I'm sorry this has happened to you, but this man is not healthy, he sounds very controlling, and he is violent. He has been physically and verbally abusive towards you. There is no question that this is a boundary that a man should never breach with a woman and still have a relationship with her.
I'm confused about why you're confused. He physically assaulted you, he's verbally assaulted you, he's abusing drugs and alcohol and driving. You almost called the cops to protect yourself from him. Considering those facts. What would you tell someone you care about who experienced that? It does not matter if you were wrong for not mentioning texting your ex (you weren't btw). What matters is he has shown you how he behaves and what he's willing to do to you. I'm not trying to force an opinion on you. But if you were my daughter or my sister, I'd tell you to block this guy's number and never talk to him again. __________________ What if I fall? Oh, my dear, but what if you fly? Primary Dx: C-PTSD and Severe Chronic Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder Secondary Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder with mild Agoraphobia. Meds I've tried: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Risperidone, Abilify, Prazosin, Paxil, Trazadone, Tramadol, Topomax, Xanax, Propranolol, Valium, Visteril, Vraylar, Selinor, Clonopin, Ambien Treatments I've done: CBT, DBT, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Talk therapy, psychotherapy, exercise, diet, sleeping more, sleeping less... |
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RollercoasterLover
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lizardlady, Open Eyes, RoxanneToto
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divine1966
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#3
I don’t think it matters if you should’ve told him this or that.m
A man who calls you names, tries to choke you, drinks a bottle of vodka mixed with pills and drives around endangering people is NOT a relationship material. He is very dangerous. This needs to end now and police needs to get involved re drunk driving and violent behavior. Stay safe |
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blubbbrabbel, leomama, RoxanneToto
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Anonymous42048
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#4
Stay away from that lunatic you call a boyfriend, call the police, and get him arrested before you end up in a body bag.
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RoxanneToto
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LiverpoolMummy
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Member Since: Mar 2021
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#5
For your own safety dump him. He's an abuser and sounds dangerous. If you do dump him and he harasses you call the police. Please think of your safety.
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TishaBuv
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#6
As to your question about texting your ex, my feelings are honesty is needed to disclose that to any new relationship. You’d let them know that you are still occasionally speak, and it’s up to the new bf to accept it or address their issue with it to you in a civil way, and you both to come to a compromise that works for you both— or the relationship isn’t going to work because it will cause a fight whenever you speak to your ex.
With your bf though, this is a very dangerous person! You say it’s such a deep love. It sounds to me like it’s way too intense and unhealthy all-around. When he was ranting vile names at you and tried to STRANGLE you, why did you find that acceptable enough to be in the same room with him again? If someone put their hands on my throat, that would certainly be enough for me to do a disappearing act and probably call the police. If he acts intensely loving when things are good, but then intensely abusive when he is angry, it’s a very dangerous situation to put yourself in. It’s not love. You are confusing his ‘loving’ behavior with love, but it isn’t. If he is strangling you when he’s mad, it’s not love. Please protect yourself and get away from him safely. __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Bill3
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#7
You were not wrong.
Stay permanently away from him. Block him, involve the police if he comes near you again. |
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Open Eyes, RoxanneToto
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Magnate
Rive.
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#8
No, he is in the wrong for abusing you.
He didn't know what was going on, yet he shut you down (wouldn't give you a chance to explain), no communication and was yelling abuse, threatening and trying to choke you?! He showed you his true colours right there. I would not have anything to do with him. He is dangerous. Period. At this point, you do not owe him any apology nor explanation. I would not initiate communication nor let him in. Get the police involved if need be. For your protection. |
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Bill3, RoxanneToto
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MickeyCheeky
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#9
While it perhaps would have been best to tell him about that from the start as i think Honesty is important that doesn't justify at all the reaction he had! i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters about leaving him! he didn't even give you a chance to explain things over and tried to physically assault you. i think that would be enough reason by itself to leave him. Plus, if he reacts that way how would he react with other things that may come up in your relationship? i am So Sorry you have to put up with this. Please do stay Safe. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Jessy1239, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Bill3, RoxanneToto
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Nammu
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#10
Stay away from him. Frankly I see nothing wrong with remaining friends with ex’s. But there’s a lot wrong with his response.
__________________ Nammu …Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …... Desiderata Max Ehrmann |
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bpforever1
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#11
???? I've been with abusive men also. I think you should listen to the replies here. You are wise to seek advice!! So, you know something is wrong with your relationship with your bf. Please stay away from him and take a break from men for awhile. Your mother needs you, not your drama with your boyfriend. I always knew that I attracted the wrong type of man because of my low self-esteem and lack of confidence. I would focus on your life and mom first. It took me a long time to break away from abusive men. I married one and it was a nightmare. So, please do yourself a favor. Please work on yourself. Build yourself up. Please don't give into abuse or think that being abused is acceptable. I wish you the very best!! And, please remember you are a priority as well as your mother. I never thought of myself as a priority and always put others before me allowing them to step all over me. So, please don't be like me and treat yourself well with respect. Run away from abuse and cherish yourself!!
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Bill3, RoxanneToto, TishaBuv
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TishaBuv
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#12
It’s so clear cut when someone puts their hands around your throat to realize the danger, the abuse, and know to run. When it’s emotional and psychological only, it’s much harder to run for those of us who put ourselves in those kinds of abusive relationships due to low self esteem.
__________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Bill3, bpforever1
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Have Hope
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#13
Quote:
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Bill3, Insomnium, RoxanneToto
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Insomnium
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#14
I don’t care how long you’ve been with this person, you are in danger. He is a dangerous person and anyone who would react in such a violent manner is someone you should avoid at all costs. I’m so sorry he did that to you. You would be very wise to cut ties with him and move on.
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Have Hope
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blubbbrabbel
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#15
I agree with many of the above! This kind of behaviour is more than one red flag!! Get away! And keep in mind the parts were you said things like, you would rather not have let him in not started any self loughing.
Yes, it can make things easier when you know how your partner feels about you beeing in contact with an ex. People have different opinions about this and can avoid unnessary conflicts to talk about it. This is not to say, you did anything wrong! It is just my learning and they dont have to apply to anyone else. And again, there is no excuse for this kind of aggression! Stay save! |
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sarahsweets
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#16
Domestic Violence Support | The National Domestic Violence Hotline
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk __________________ "I carried a watermelon?" President of the no F's given society. |
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Open Eyes
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#17
Honestly, the behavior you faced is horrific and clearly a huge red flag that your feelings do not matter and this individual can also be dangerous. Better to see it now and not be trapped with an individual that can get dangerous like this.
IMO you should tell the police and have a restraining order and you should block him from being able to text or call you. I would send one text explaining the truth and that his choice to blow up and threaten you is not anyone you care to engage with. End it with telling him you do not want any more interaction period. Then immediately block him. Someone that can behave this way is not anyone you should spend any time with. This is not just bad behavior it’s extreme and dangerous. |
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RoxanneToto, sarahsweets
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divine1966
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#18
Jessy you haven’t been on here for few weeks and I worry if you are ok, please let us know if all is good
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Werewoman
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#19
No one is obligated to tell their current SO about past relationships. They can choose to if they want, but it can often cause problems because the new person may feel like they have to compete.
Idk, we've been together for 30 years and the only past relationship of his I know about is his ex wife. I could care less about any other women in his past. He married me, not any of them. The one he did marry didn't last a year. Apparently she had difficulty keeping her knees together. 😱 If you had told him in the beginning about talking to your ex, the reaction would have been the same. Get out while you still can. __________________ You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. ~ Robin Williams Did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage? ~ Pink Floyd |
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RoxanneToto
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RoxanneToto
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#20
I can understand the jealousy, but there are healthy ways of dealing with it. Certainly, there’s no excuse for choosing to fly into a rage and be violent over it. His mask is well and truly off, now, and like the others I’d say get as far away from him as you can. I wouldn’t put (attempted?) murder past him, if I can be honest.
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Werewoman
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