[RoxanneToto]

Things that still stick out to me as a bit weird in my last relationship (only 4 months long): he was vague about who the other guy was in a photo of him drinking shots (on prominent display in his home, so he shouldn’t have been surprised that the question might have come up at some point).
He also threw himself across the room like Superman flying off to save Lois Lane at one point when we were at the art group we’d met at, all to get a closer look at this other new girl. She was very shy and quiet, but I felt he was attracted to her and he spent a lot of that day trying to stall her in the doorways and offering her a chair etc when he could - almost completely ignoring me (his actual girlfriend at the time). I asked what he thought of her when we left, feeling off kilter about the whole thing, but he just said she seemed “nice”. I don’t think she really liked the attention, though, as she was gone soon after. I had realised I didn’t like him as much as I thought I did at this point, but still felt jealous and didn’t know how to address it diplomatically, so I just didn’t. I wondered if he was using her to make me feel jealous, or if he just didn’t care how I’d feel.
I think we’d been together a month before he said “I love you”. I felt like I needed more time, but I never actually got there.

Possible trigger:

he also told me how depressed he’d been over his last breakup, and that he’d self harmed/considered suicide. I’m not judging him for that in itself - I haven’t self harmed, but do understand why others do, and I’ve been depressed to the point of not wanting to live after a breakup. We were having an honest conversation. It’s just that when I was breaking up with him later, he said he was going to cut himself again, and admittedly, knowing that he’d self harmed before had prevented me breaking up with him sooner. So, I wonder if he told me because he wanted to be honest, or just to try and hang a sword over my head? I want to be tactful here - I know some people do have this type of conversation with no ulterior motives, but the later half-hearted threat to self harm again makes me pause, in his case.

Through a lot of this relationship, I was having nightmares, panic attacks out of nowhere, a general feeling of “shell shock” and my emotions were on a rollercoaster. Most days I’d feel depressed, some days, I had a very fleeting feeling of euphoria about being with him.
Even when he talked to me one time at the group, I was self soothing without realising until he’d walked off again. I was rubbing the back of my neck. But I still found him attractive so agreed to go out with him when he asked.
I made a mistake dating him, looking back. My body/gut was screaming at me and I ignored it. I think I just gaslit myself to avoid hurting him and it felt stupid to walk away - I could never put my finger on what seemed so wrong, so I just stayed until I woke up one morning (a Friday 13th, which now seems fitting ) knowing I had to break up with him.
That was 5 years ago, and I haven’t spoken to him since the group got disbanded, but it’s like I’m still trying to make sense of these particular things. Did my body try to tell me he wasn’t good for me, while my mind dismissed it?

[divine1966]

Usually our guts tell us that things are off but we are sometimes in denial or don’t trust ourselves or are lonely and are willing to settle. Sounds like he wasn’t a good relationship material/match for you.

Honestly 4 months is a short time and you don’t really know people in that short time frame. I’d not call a mistake per se, just unsuccessful dating experience that is just part of life and normal dating experience. Maybe some people meet their dream come true right away and never have dating disasters. But those are few and between. Most of us earthy human being dated some questionable characters at some point.

Mistake would be to marry him, financially entangle yourself, move 1000 miles away for him or some other drastic measures. Dating someone unsuitable for 4 months is just what it is

[RoxanneToto]

Thank you, divine! Well, I did consider it a mistake because I was always anxious in previous relationships, but every time told myself it would be different (never was). I just didn’t realise how badly my mental health would tank when I was with him - in some ways it was the best, but also worst relationship I’ve been in.

Possible trigger:

I ended up being suicidal towards the end

But what you mentioned definitely would have been bad choices to make, I agree.
I’ve never felt lonely for a partner, so really I was trying to avoid hurting him in the end (stupid, really). I’m still happy being single, and I’ve learned a lot in counselling - this relationship was the catalyst to getting therapy for myself.

[Bill3]

Did my body try to tell me he wasn’t good for me, while my mind dismissed it?

It sounds like that to me.

Good job getting yourself away from him!

[MickeyCheeky]

So Sorry for what you've been through but i think if the relationship wasn't working then you Hopefully did the right thing! Hopefully he will get the Help he needs if he's struggling! i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters in that you did a good job! Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @RoxanneToto, your Family, your Friends, your ex-boyfriend and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[RoxanneToto]

Thanks, everyone and @MickeyCheeky - I did break up with him, as respectfully as I could. It was a real relief! Even my boss had pulled me into the office before then and asked what was wrong because I looked so unhappy. She tried to encourage me to stay, as did my mum when I told her, so I did try but it just felt worse the longer it went on.

[WovenGalaxy]

You have good insight RoxanneToto. Did you maybe feel a pressure from society to be in a relationship? I'm glad you did get out of it. It sounds like you've gotten some helpful and good advice here and so I'll leave it at that. Feel free not to even answer if you already have closure or don't want to get into it again. Hugs.

[Rive.]

He didn't feel 'safe' as in, not a safe partner with whom you could give/receive emotional support.

I see his 'if you leave me, I will cut' as emotional blackmail, pure and simple. If you truly love someone, you simply don't say something like this.

My body/gut was screaming at me

And yes, I think the body tells the truth. I would trust what your body (or guts) tells you instead of one's rationalising what we sense at a deeper, truer, level.