Easily Influenced

I have always taken the road that has presented itself to me and seems an easy, good one. I never went looking to get what I wanted. If my mother did not want me to do it, she subtly and not so subtly took the wind out of my sails and stopped me from pursuing it. She only approved me doing what she wanted for me. This is the foundation of me learning to not follow my own dreams, a disapproving mother.

Now, Eskie, conquered that with her strong will. I towed the line.

I can’t think of anything I really wanted that I pursued!

I had crushes on a couple guys and ‘chased’ after them, but they didn’t feel quite the same about me, so I went with the ones who wanted me (that I particularly didn’t want). Why did I feel I had to go with any of the ones I didn’t want? I guess because I knew it was my ticket out. Mom wasn’t going to have it any other way. She taught me to be dependent, and I stupidly obeyed. I could have been more like Eskie. Good for you, Eskie!

The Melinda Gates divorce really hit a chord with me. While, yeah, she has all the money in the world, I am not destitute! And she’s my age. Does she look like a washed-up middle-aged over-the-hill…you know what I’m getting at. This is all my insecurity talking of how society tells us women of a certain age we are nothing!

Perhaps the thing that truly speaks you just has presented itself yet. And keep looking at listings in the place you want to move to. Don't let your H discourage you from doing your homework. Why couldn't something work out if it could be paid for by renting it part of the time? It is hard to find good properties right now but if you keep on looking--something might come up that could work. You will know it when you see it and you can stand up and insist when the right thing comes along! Sorry to give advice but it is never too late to have a breakthrough....

What you shared in your first paragraph Tisha is what can trigger you. And left you needing to have someone else take over for you as that is how you learned to feel safe. Unfortunately many parents think the child is supposed to obey and only do what the parent tells them to do. That’s not how to raise an independent thinker.

Totally agree with you. I was on one side, overprotected and on another side, belittled. Result= insecure person for almost everything.

I'm not sure exactly when I became so different from other members of my family. My maternal grandmother could never make up her mind on something, an attitude she passed on to my mother and aunt. Perhaps it became more noticeable when, age 16, I went to college. Stepfather didn't think my grades were good enough for anything other than working in a shop. Starting work at 19 and mixing with adults was the turning point. I was listening to different opinions, some well-meant, others not.

Am I easily influenced by others? Mostly not. People have let me down; relatives and friends. My relationship with my mother is poor because she can no longer influence or even manipulate me. Recently I met an amazing man on a hobby website. We've talked privately by e-mail and he's opened some of the doors that I'd firmly locked. He's never told me what to do, just offered a different "angle" when I've sought advice.

One of the side effects is those emotions I had firmly under control are now very much to the fore. I'm seeing things differently. I've cried more in the past few months than in the years before and sometimes I don't know the trigger. Have realised that relatives may have a different (and unacceptable) agenda for wanting you to follow their influence.

As my new friend said "listen to your inner voice. It may be quite loud or so quiet you have to strain to hear it". I think this can be translated as your gut feeling. Hope this makes sense!

My dad pretty much hid in his own little world & I very seldom interfaced with him ever. My mom had zero self- confidence about much of anything. I was an independent & only child they had no idea how to raise. Just a good thing my focus was on doing good in school from 5 years old on & had good neighborhood boys for playing with who were also the school & good grade types so nothing led me into a direction. That would have been bad for me from the beginning.

I remember thinking in grade school how I seriously did not like the sheltered life I was actually in. My mom didn't drive, my dad worked nights, so any after school activities I had to figure out how to do on my own. My parents didn't know other people in the community so I was either out of luck or figure it out myself. Life felt very sheltered when home & neighborhood was my whole life. I grew up basically resenting my parents for how they were & swore to never be like them. That was the foundation for this independent thinker but I know those thoughts had to come from somewhere, not just made up in my mind but for the life of me I have no idea from where.

I had an awful day not coping well with how my h triggers me. Thank you all for your wise and supportive comments.

He continues to do the same triggering behaviors no matter what. The therapists were useless. The meds were useless. I used meds today to ‘rescue’ my mood, but that’s not coping in a healthy way.

The big indecision in my life now is whether or not to move forward with him and stay married. I am terrified of being alone. I know we can’t change our problem— it’s too long going and never changing. I’m stuck, but, something will just happen and I’ll take it.

I’m basically alright, a good person, a capable adult for the most part. I have the intelligence, but never applied myself. I have severe anxiety, depression, and was diagnosed with a disorder.

I can’t state enough how much it bothers me at the suspicious way I was diagnosed yet my h is the non-stop button presser! He is an abuser and I go to the moon over it.

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Originally Posted by TishaBuv I had an awful day not coping well with how my h triggers me. Thank you all for your wise and supportive comments. He continues to do the same triggering behaviors no matter what. The therapists were useless. The meds were useless. I used meds today to ‘rescue’ my mood, but that’s not coping in a healthy way. The big indecision in my life now is whether or not to move forward with him and stay married. I am terrified of being alone. I know we can’t change our problem— it’s too long going and never changing. I’m stuck, but, something will just happen and I’ll take it. I’m basically alright, a good person, a capable adult for the most part. I have the intelligence, but never applied myself. I have severe anxiety, depression, and was diagnosed with a disorder. I can’t state enough how much it bothers me at the suspicious way I was diagnosed yet my h is the non-stop button presser! He is an abuser and I go to the moon over it.

In my situation, everything I was diagnosed with (major depression, major anxiety & even my anorexia) went away when I left my bad marriage. It doesn't always happen that way. My T definitely said it showed that my diagnosis was situational & nothing permanent.

We are individuals & we all react differently to situations. Sometimes we need to accept that as who we are & not compare ourselves to others. There are some things about ourselves that won't change any more than the things we want others to change. Sometimes the best we can do is learn how to function better within the constraints of who we are

The stress from this situation brought out disordered behaviors in me. It brought out the worst in me. Maybe had I chosen a different path, none of this trauma hysteria would have ever happened. Thanks for the reassurance, Eskie!

When the psy question me about my childhood, I did have things happen that mark off the boxes for trauma/disorders, etc…. However, none of that bothered me that much tbh! I never had severe emotional problems before the intense frustration from my marriage.

It’s my reaction that bothers me the most and I have to learn to control. They say it doesn’t matter what someone does to you, it matters how you respond. So, I’ll look at this as a challenge. He is going to keep pushing my same buttons. He has no ability to learn and change although he lies to me and believes his own lies. I have to learn to not respond to his triggering behavior by staying calm, disengaging, not getting upset, seeing it as his problem and not letting it be mine. Much easier said than done, but I want to try this. Let’s give it one month. If no luck, I’ll try plan B- to move without him.

I was influenced by a book I read that said:
You have a right to have your needs met.
You have a right to your feelings.
You have a right to be respected.
You have a right to leave an unfixable situation (paraphrasing).

So, I took a stance to say enough is enough. But, I back down hours later. I am in back/forth limbo.

The influence that brings me back into it part compassion, part fear and self doubt.

If I read ‘you should go’, I want to go. If I hear, ‘you should stay’, I back down and say I will change myself so we can make it work. But my trigger is severe, rigid, pervasive, unchanging. However, I sunk far less deep and I bounced back much sooner than ever before. This swinging back/forth is getting less, at least.

My gf said, ‘He’s such a great guy! You’d regret it so much if you ended it.’ Nobody says I’m such a great gal.

Goal for the day is to stay positive for getting on the right track.

I’ve been going back and forth like a yo-yo and I don’t want to live like this anymore. Eventually you get so dizzy you puke.