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Default May 09, 2021 at 06:34 PM
  #1
I feel too easily influenced by what others say. If I have a choice to make, I listen to one person and they make great points, then another person makes great points too, then I’m confused and don’t know what I want to do.

What makes me so impressionable?

I’ll read others’ comments on here and change my mind about an issue of mine several times over. You all make such great points!

I’ve always been like this; apt to change my mind based on the last person I speak to.

Does anyone else have trouble like this? Is it common?

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Default May 09, 2021 at 09:02 PM
  #2
Yes, I experience this sometimes too.
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Default May 09, 2021 at 11:18 PM
  #3
I would say that I end up doing what I've decided to do for myself more than being influenced by others. There are times in life when "crossroads" come into our journeys and a decision has to be made. At those times for me, all kinds of advises come my way from others. I take them with a grain of salt and some I just don't bother with. Practically all of the time in those moments, I ended doing what I decided to do even when so many disagreed with me. But the ones I didn't take advice from made some very good points.

There were times in the past when I was going to make a decision and the most influential individuals in my life were abhorred. I would be told that, "I'm going to go down like a lead balloon". And they would swear by it. Well, guess what? I did what I thought was best for me and didn't go down like a "lead balloon". And I prospered more than those who told me that.

Speaking of being in a crossroad in life, I am in one right now. I had stated that quite a few times on here in the Work & Careers forum, and at times on the Daily Check In.

I would say that I tend to go for what I decide what is right for me a lot more than do what others suggest I should do. That tendency seems to run in my family for some reason.
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Default May 10, 2021 at 12:38 AM
  #4
I’m also like this to an extent. When it comes to certain people, I can easily ignore them, but I’d like to learn better how not to care so much about what others think. I think things like the “lead balloon” comment will19 referred to are like insecurities being projected onto you (I’m glad you did your own thing and that it worked out!).
I think it’s a good idea to learn how to trust yourself more and be more discerning about the advice/opinions you get, perhaps? Not always easy, but worth it!
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Default May 10, 2021 at 05:39 AM
  #5
After my attempt, I went through a period of time where I was deeply confused. "I did it because I was mentally ill; no, I did it because of my circumstances and because of my H." I have come to accept responsibility for the things I did (we are responsible for our reactions to others) and not feel as responsible for other people's actions. I have learned not to internalize other people's emotions and criticisms too much. Sometimes when people criticize us, there could be a valid basis for us but it is important to learn not too let others guilt trip or shame us. We all make mistakes and sometime people talk about others mistakes in order to deflect any criticism of their own mistakes. I am trying to not voice concerns, advice, etc. as much because some people don't want to hear it and it has less impact when we are repetitive. I am learning to keep more thoughts to myself and have quiet time to myself everyday where I am not reacting to anyone and doing what I choose. I still do things for other people (we gain a lot for ourselves by serving others) but realize how important it is to have quiet time for me.

You are a very compassionate person and I wonder if you internalize others feelings and requests to the point that you are not being your own person? Also, you were a mother taking care of four males for a long time and some mothers might lose themselves a little doing such a big job--if that makes sense? Perhaps you are an empath? 40 Character Traits of an Empath | Discover If You Are an Empath
An empathic person is highly affected by other people’s feelings, emotions, and energies but also their actions and thoughts. Empaths have the innate ability to deeply understand the people they are confronted with. They perceive the underlying motivations of other people’s actions, their intentions, and their desires. In a sense, they are – consciously or unconsciously – able to tune into other people and to deeply understand them on an emotional level. At the same time, empathic people unknowingly adopt the emotions and feelings of others.

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Default May 10, 2021 at 07:33 AM
  #6
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Originally Posted by will19 View Post
I would say that I end up doing what I've decided to do for myself more than being influenced by others. There are times in life when "crossroads" come into our journeys and a decision has to be made. At those times for me, all kinds of advises come my way from others. I take them with a grain of salt and some I just don't bother with. Practically all of the time in those moments, I ended doing what I decided to do even when so many disagreed with me. But the ones I didn't take advice from made some very good points.

There were times in the past when I was going to make a decision and the most influential individuals in my life were abhorred. I would be told that, "I'm going to go down like a lead balloon". And they would swear by it. Well, guess what? I did what I thought was best for me and didn't go down like a "lead balloon". And I prospered more than those who told me that.

Speaking of being in a crossroad in life, I am in one right now. I had stated that quite a few times on here in the Work & Careers forum, and at times on the Daily Check In.

I would say that I tend to go for what I decide what is right for me a lot more than do what others suggest I should do. That tendency seems to run in my family for some reason.
That is so inspirational to me!

The only time I did what I wanted was when I had an opportunity to go with a group to Israel on a spiritual journey event. My mother, who always says something to stop me from doing something she doesn’t want me to do said, “If you go, you will die!” I was feeling sui anyway, so I said, ‘okay, I’ll die, I’m going.’ I went, had a good time, and didn’t die!

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Default May 10, 2021 at 07:37 AM
  #7
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After my attempt, I went through a period of time where I was deeply confused. "I did it because I was mentally ill; no, I did it because of my circumstances and because of my H." I have come to accept responsibility for the things I did (we are responsible for our reactions to others) and not feel as responsible for other people's actions. I have learned not to internalize other people's emotions and criticisms too much. Sometimes when people criticize us, there could be a valid basis for us but it is important to learn not too let others guilt trip or shame us. We all make mistakes and sometime people talk about others mistakes in order to deflect any criticism of their own mistakes. I am trying to not voice concerns, advice, etc. as much because some people don't want to hear it and it has less impact when we are repetitive. I am learning to keep more thoughts to myself and have quiet time to myself everyday where I am not reacting to anyone and doing what I choose. I still do things for other people (we gain a lot for ourselves by serving others) but realize how important it is to have quiet time for me.

You are a very compassionate person and I wonder if you internalize others feelings and requests to the point that you are not being your own person? Also, you were a mother taking care of four males for a long time and some mothers might lose themselves a little doing such a big job--if that makes sense? Perhaps you are an empath? 40 Character Traits of an Empath | Discover If You Are an Empath
An empathic person is highly affected by other people’s feelings, emotions, and energies but also their actions and thoughts. Empaths have the innate ability to deeply understand the people they are confronted with. They perceive the underlying motivations of other people’s actions, their intentions, and their desires. In a sense, they are – consciously or unconsciously – able to tune into other people and to deeply understand them on an emotional level. At the same time, empathic people unknowingly adopt the emotions and feelings of others.

I am ‘overly’ emotional according to others. I got diagnosed with emotional dysregulation disorder by one psychiatrist because I have been hysterically crying for my whole marriage because I am so unhappy with him and he won’t/can’t do the few things I need to be happy no matter how I communicate it and he promises to. Would that have driven anyone to hysteria, at least anyone who didn’t have the self esteem to leave? I do absorb the emotions of others too much as well. The latest diagnosis was NOT EDD, rather it was now a mood disorder. I think these doctors are just grasping at straws.

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Default May 10, 2021 at 08:13 AM
  #8
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I am ‘overly’ emotional according to others.
IMO emotions, in and of themselves are not wrong and can help give us signals; however, when we are feeling emotional, sometimes it is best to be careful what we say and do--not to do anything impulsively, but to wait and think about what we should do. And sometimes not doing anything at all is appropriate too. I am speaking about what I have learned works best for me of course.
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Default May 10, 2021 at 08:44 AM
  #9
i think i can relate to what you're saying. i too also feel easily influenced or convinced by others. i am not sure why that is the case but i think it may be because i haven't developed my personality properly perhaps. Of course that doesn't mean you necessarely haven't either! Perhaps it simply indicates that you pay attention to other people's opinions and i think that is an admirable quality. i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters about you being a compassionate person or at least so it seems here! Hugs. Try not to be hard on yourself! i think it is useful to listen to others and to give ourselves some time and space to think. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @TishaBuv, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Default May 10, 2021 at 08:58 AM
  #10
Well, i THINK this answers your original question. Lots of good advice here from the other posters.

I could never understand why you would say you need your h to do certain things to make you happy. But what i do understand from another recent post of yours, is that he seems to be encroaching on your territory, or not giving you space, or sometimes giving you too much space.

Either way, he is not respecting your boundaries. Like with the children - you cannot fill a space he purposely leaves empty. Your decisions - what you REALLY want to do - i believe are found within your space, if your boundaries are respected, and you respect others' boundaries.

You cant change the past. I think its wonderful that your boys will have each other to depend on in the future. Thats not a given. And how to be an older woman in this society is pretty open really.
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Default May 10, 2021 at 09:30 AM
  #11
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Well, i THINK this answers your original question. Lots of good advice here from the other posters.

I could never understand why you would say you need your h to do certain things to make you happy. But what i do understand from another recent post of yours, is that he seems to be encroaching on your territory, or not giving you space, or sometimes giving you too much space.

Either way, he is not respecting your boundaries. Like with the children - you cannot fill a space he purposely leaves empty. Your decisions - what you REALLY want to do - i believe are found within your space, if your boundaries are respected, and you respect others' boundaries.

You cant change the past. I think its wonderful that your boys will have each other to depend on in the future. Thats not a given. And how to be an older woman in this society is pretty open really.
Is that your photo from Florida? Is it Cape Canaveral? It looks like a giant falice!

I wanted him to initiate sex with me in a time frame and way that I need it to be (very reasonable, totally vanilla tbh). He was neglectful which led to a cycle of abuse for intimacy. Maybe that is what he really wanted and he got it all these years. I wanted him to be on my side when others hurt me and have my back. I had an expectation that a loving husband would. He wouldn’t.

The simple truth is he didn’t give me those simple things I needed to feel loved and he still got all his needs met. Maybe insidiously hurting me was his need and he met it and I played into it.

Then people who know us tell me he’s such a great guy and I have it so good I shouldn’t complain. I wish I could appreciate what good I do have and go along and not complain, but it’s too awful and depressing for me.

I’m not handling this life well and I don’t know if I am going to find the strength to actually help myself.

I’m sorry for the frustration I must cause others on here. I’d be sick of me too.

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Default May 10, 2021 at 11:34 AM
  #12
Well, the people who think a person is great when their spouse doesn’t are generally only seeing what said spouse wants them to see. What really matters is how you feel, because your relationship with him is closer (in terms of time/proximity, at least) than the people who think he’s a great guy. So naturally you’re going to see him differently than they do, and it’s ok to acknowledge (even if just to yourself) that he isn’t who they think he is. The next issue is what you do with this knowledge, or what you’d like to do, bearing in mind that he won’t change unless he wants to.
You could be a multimillionaire living in a palace and still be miserable because of unmet needs.
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Default May 10, 2021 at 11:44 AM
  #13
You give other people too much power. Unless you are consulting a professional on a specific issue they are trained in (doctor, is my tumor growing or accountant, is my retirement account has enough growth or roofer, is my roof leaking) what does it matter. Certainly no one’s opinion on your marriage matters. Especially since your issue is mostly of such intimate sexual nature that no one could possibly know or have much of an opinion on.
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Default May 10, 2021 at 02:13 PM
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You give other people too much powerUnless you are consulting a professional on a specific issue they are trained in (doctor, is my tumor growing or accountant, is my retirement account has enough growth or roofer, is my roof leaking) what does it matter. Certainly no one’s opinion on your marriage matters. Especially since your issue is mostly of such intimate sexual nature that no one could possibly know or have much of an opinion on.
^Yes, exactly this! I have always been told I give people too much power! This goes together with listening to the last person I speak to. This goes with having shaky sense of self.

He and I decided to be more kind and gentle to each other. He got frustrated by my changing ideas on him, and instead of saying I was stressing him out, he took a low blow jab at me. He says he doesn’t mean it and he’s sorry.

Do people just take the lowest blows just because they feel frustrated? It doesn’t make sense to me, but I’m willing to buy it for the sake of ending the argument.

So, the next thing he does to trigger me, I need to learn better coping skills. This has been the problem all along. I do not have healthy coping skills. I harm myself.

The man knows this and so still this is how he treats his ‘beloved’ wife? Still doesn’t make sense but I’ll try to go with it.

He otherwise truly is a really good guy. It’s not just an act. That’s why I can’t really end it. But, we need to stop this toxic dance and only we can stop it. The doctors didn’t help. We’re on our own again.

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Default May 10, 2021 at 02:23 PM
  #15
I am wondering if you are trying to get him to heal a challenge in you that you have never figured out how to heal on your own in a certain area.
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Default May 10, 2021 at 03:38 PM
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I am wondering if you are trying to get him to heal a challenge in you that you have never figured out how to heal on your own in a certain area.
I must be. That’s why it’s so triggering.

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Default May 10, 2021 at 05:18 PM
  #17
You are not the only person that can be easily influenced. These so called psychics that send out emails that seem to hit on a person a certain way make lots of money from individuals that buy into their warnings and special readings. I see them all the time in my inbox. I click on them just for a laugh because only they can help me and they even say they keep getting messages about me and can’t take it. What a crock! Yet people believe it and get suckered into paying out money.

You are not the only one that can be influenced lots of people are influenced all the time.
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Default May 11, 2021 at 01:24 PM
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I think I was born an independent thinker. As a child I learned that my parents didn't know what they were talking about so when they did, I probably blew them off then too. I learned young to think for myself & make my own decisions I thought from a logical point of view but I am sure there were emotions thrown in like "I want to do this & not that & you aren't going to make me".

I used to be less diplomatic about it than I have learned to be but guess I would have been catorigized as the strong willed child, I just did it more quietly.

My logical mind is probably why I became a computer design engineer & I used that same logic in my life. Even my attempts at SUI were based on logical thinking rather than emotion (go figure). I thought through my trapped situation & how it might be possible to escape & when I could find no logical way & I knew I couldn't tolerate more....that became my solution. So glad it didn't work or I wouldn't have been alive to enjoy the REAL solution that hit me out of the blue & nothing that ever could have been expected. But I acted on it without asking anyone about it because I knew it was the right thing to do & left.

I have in my new life found people whose opinions I now truly respect but mostly I talk through situations with them & listen to what they have to say. I kinda throw it all into the pot, stir it around & come up with what to do based on a combination of all the ideas thrown together (parts of them all) based on the foundation I know to exist. I love having people I trust & respect to discuss things with more than just asking for their opinion. Sure is nicer than totally depending on my own thoughts for everything & hoping I didn't overlook anything. Many times it actually validates the thoughts I have to formulate action on

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Default May 11, 2021 at 04:53 PM
  #19
“People with Histrionic Personality Disorder tend to be suggestible; that is, they are easily influenced by other people's suggestions and opinions.”

I looked up and found much on Histrionic being easily influenced. . Well, I don’t fit all the other criteria, but I may have a little of this.

I was always told things like, “If Billy jumped off the roof, would you have jumped too?” (Um, probably yeah…)

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Default May 11, 2021 at 05:17 PM
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“People with Histrionic Personality Disorder tend to be suggestible; that is, they are easily influenced by other people's suggestions and opinions.”

I looked up and found much on Histrionic being easily influenced. . Well, I don’t fit all the other criteria, but I may have a little of this.

I was always told things like, “If Billy jumped off the roof, would you have jumped too?” (Um, probably yeah…)
Lol....I probably would have jumped off too after seeing if Billy didn't break anything when he landed. That was how I learned to control my FEAR growing up....keeping up with the boys in the neighborhood, climbing fences & walking on walls & jumping off. Lol....I knew if one of THEM got hurt, it wasn't safe to do.

But I made the decision to play & do those things on my own. Only pressure was my own desire to keep up with the boys & not look like a "sissy girl"....lol.....(that all internally came from me, no one else)

I often wonder how much of these tendencies we are actually born with (nature) vs developed as we grow (nuture). Some of these things are not easy to separate between the two, but interesting to ponder on.

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