Is it wrong to say your boyfriend was more attractive before he gained weight?

I remembered you had this thread too. I realise now that I don't know for sure if he's manipulative, sorry for making a quick judgment of him like that. He could be manipulative or not at all manipulative, I don't know. I realise that there could be a miscommunication, like, maybe he doesn't see all your mistakes in such a strongly critical way, maybe it's a fleeting thing to him instead and maybe your mindreading theory is off there and so maybe that's why he comes off manipulative. But maybe you read him right too, of course, I don't know. You would have to directly communicate with him about this issue of "fatal mistakes". Maybe in therapy again since therapy worked before.



Maybe it wasn't meant as interrogation either. You'd have to ask him what he meant. He may have genuinely wanted to understand and asked you questions in a way without nice "fluff" so it comes off as an interrogation even if that's not the intent. Where it could come off like that too is if he's trying to figure out whether to trust you, and then that's a problem if he loses trust so fast, but the positive is that he tries to be rational and figure it out by asking you questions to really understand what you intended. So it could be both positive and negative, as far as his behaviour goes.



Again I have a feeling that you'd need to ask him instead of mindreading, about the silence and hurt faces. If you think he felt hurt then what's wrong with a hurt face? Do you feel he was trying to guilt trip you? Best to ask what he meant, maybe his intent was not manipulative to guilt trip you. Of course, maybe it was actually manipulative. I don't know him.



Maybe this work isn't ideal for you? What type of work would you like to do? Or what is the problem at work that makes you so unhappy? It could be helpful to figure that out more. As it seems to affect your relationship a lot too.



Yeah, work is not where you talk about private matters, you don't talk about private stuff with your boss. You have a relationship with him so it can naturally be harder to separate the two and maybe it would be best if you didn't work for him, if separating them is too hard.

I still agree about discussing weight issues in a direct manner before they get out of hand.

These posts make me think of a few more things.

- Yeah, actually, when I first read your thread, I don't think I registered the emotional side of this sentence, "Is it wrong to say your boyfriend was more attractive before he gained weight?".

I mean, if your goal is to talk to him about losing weight, and you want to keep it factual and constructive, and make sure it can't sound like a personal criticism, then you would not bring up how the extra weight makes him less attractive. You could simply mention the weight issue itself without noting issues with attractiveness. That's the emotional side of the problem. I'm not sure why I didn't register the emotional side originally but I do now. So yes, it can be hurtful to bring up the issue in this way. And it's unnecessary to mention attractiveness.

I think I registered the emotional side when you said "I would not say something like that if I felt close." I agree. I wouldn't either. It's a hurtful thing to say.


Also you mention work again.

"So, I guess, yeah. It is a question of lifestyle. But at the heart is the weight of the work."
And "I am passionate about the projects. But I would probably scale them smaller."

Yeah, so you feel like he values work too high. Like he's a workaholic? Or is it just a difference in value systems? Or a bit of both? Maybe you want to only work for him part time? Or work for someone else entirely, instead of him?