Is it wrong to say your boyfriend was more attractive before he gained weight?

Hej everyone,
I am interested in your views! Things have been rough with my boyfriend. He is always complaining about how little sex we have. I feel unappreciated a lot and unhappy for some reasons.

This morning I told him, I thought he was more attractive when he was a little thinner. It probably did not come quiet out the way, I wanted. (More like: You know, it was also very hot, when you worked out more...) I tried to get it right by saying, I liked him and we could go running as we used to, if he wanted.
He got very upset and we had a big fight. He was sure that I had implied he was too fat. That I was body shaming and discriminating him.

But we talked about this. And we agreed that we would tell each other, if we felt the other was putting on to much weight. And he has asked me, how I feel about him putting on some weight. Now, he says, he would never tell me, because I could never gain too much weight.

To me it is not black and white. I can like him and still want to address this before it gets a issue. I get that this is touchy. But does it have to be a dealbraker when you agreed to talk about it?
Now, I only regret addressing it. Because I feel there are other things more important. I just thought we were ok with this. I tried to appologize. But I was very angry for other reasons, too. I dont know how things will go.

Also, we were invited to his parents that day. He canceled and his mother texted me. I made the mistake to call her and talk about what happened.
She told me, how thankfull she was, that HER partner acceptet her, as she is. And how very heroic her other son was about the weight of his wife.
That made me very angry (another mistake), because I felt she was telling me, how I was not accepting my partner. Which is not true. That she was also putting words in my mouth... And because it felt hypocritic. She wants her boys to have slender girls, who will take them no matter what? But she can judge that wonderfull daughter in law, whoms body is giving her the second grand child? When addressing something is not the same as saying: if you dont loose weight, I will not love you.

Please, tell me if I am being unreasonable. Or as unemphatic as I was told.


And sorry for getting silent on a former post. I was very thankfull, just in a dark mood and had no strength to reply at one point.

It sounds like you feel unhappy with him for several reasons. How do you feel about what you said to him? Do you regret saying it?

I don’t think these kinds of things are right or wrong. Comments can be hurtful, and they will get you in a fight and won’t be good for a relationship.

I’ve said things and been told things in my relationship that sure weren’t helpful and we wish we hadn’t gone there.

Do you think you want to address with him the things that you want to improve in your relationship instead?

Thanks! I regret it very much. Because, yes I felt less attracted to him. But this is a minor reason. The main reasons are about are emotional connection and appreciation. I would take it back, if I could.

I was so angry with him today that I told him many many things I am unhappy about. We both got unreasonable at some point.
We had huge fights in the past, when he would tell me all friends he aksed agreed I was beeing so horrible... and when it went of that way, I lost it.
To be honest, I got so angry I no longer cared, weither it could work out. He wined about how he is the last in my list of priorities. He works 50-60 hours out of passion. But he is blaming me for being tired some days. Or for visiting my mother, who might not live very long...
And that is below the belt. At least to me.

I think we had some constructive exchange in the end. But seeing as conflicts go.... this will hover over us for some time. No matter what. No matter how often I appologize. I had to explain my rudeness again and again.

I personally think it's not rude or wrong. You said you tried to reassure him when you let him know about this issue, right? I knew this guy who divorced eventually because his wife wouldn't lose the weight (extremely overweight), after him having pleaded to her for years. It's a valid preference/need, to want physical attractiveness in your partner. Especially if it's important to you for sex, and he wants more sex with you.

Thank you for your thoughts!
I get that it might get an emotional reaction. I just feel so exhausted. Because my 'mistakes' seem to be so fatal to him. And I am tired of getting told how his friends judge the version he hold them. I think this is because of insecuruty. But it seems of topic to me.
And I dont get, why you would ask your partner for honesty in a matter if it is conditional.

I would feel better, if he would just say, he felt hurt and didnt want to change. Instead we have this interrogation again: Why did you behave this way? So, you are sorry, but why did you do it then? Why? Explain yourself!

He, honestly, texted me, whether it would be ok for me, if he ate something small. Why would you ask for permission? To me it is just not how grownups act.

And I dread the silence and the hurt faces...


I know, I should not have addressed this issue and not in this way. It is just. I work for him as a freelancer and most of my unhappiness is linked with work. And it seems to be like, any conflict at work is decided by him saying: You work for me.
And when I try to talk about the private side to it, he says: This is about work. We talk about it at work. And this just seemed to be one thing I could address. Because I, wrongly, thought, we wanted to be honest in this matter. It is not that he is heavily overweight. I think when it is a question of health is the point were it has to be ok, to address this. And he is not. He just gained some 10 kg or so. It is more like... I know it is also because of the work he put on weight.

I'm so sorry for saying this, but you're dating a manchild and a p*ss.

Firstly, although this isn’t what you were asking about, I’m kind of horrified that he would begrudge you visiting your mother, regardless of whether she’s very ill or not, but especially now (I’m sorry to hear she’s ill )
On the whole weight issue, I get it’s tricky, but you did agree to talk about it before so really he should be willing to hear what you have to say, at least.
I think he’s playing mind games/emotional blackmail of some kind here - he’s asking if you’d begrudge him eating something now that he’s put on weight, because obviously he has to eat. If you said yes, in his mind (according to the rules of this ‘game’ he’s playing) you’d be asking him to starve. If you said no, then he might think it’s not such a big deal to you after all so why bring it up? You can’t win here.
Also, the silent treatment and sulky face is manipulation because he doesn’t want to communicate unless it’s all on his terms. Ditto for the work issues. I hope I’m not sounding too harsh, but he either can’t handle the issues appropriately and doesn’t want to say so, or he just doesn’t care how they affect you.
Lastly, have you asked his friends their opinions, if you know them? Or is this all stuff he’s telling you, as a way of backing himself up, when they might not have said anything?
You are right, this isn’t how adults behave.

I don’t think it’s a good idea to share with his mother whatever going on between you two. I don’t think that’s the right audience. Especially since it’s his mother. Much better to share with a neutral party like a therapist. Or at the very least your girlfriend.

If my son in law called to tell me that he said to my daughter how she was more attractive before gaining weight (if that was the case), I’d think very low of him and honestly would feel very bad for her. I’d be hurt on her behalf. I am not sure why you shared with his mother.

It sounds like you two have more issues than his weight. Weight is just probably easier topic to focus on

i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters about there being perhaps some other issues in relationship besides weight? i think being emotionally disconnected may be more of a deal-breaker overall. Have you tried to offer couple counseling to him? Perhaps that may Help if you're both willing to put the work into it. i Hope you'll both be able to work this out. Please don't be hard on yourself or others. i Hope things will improve. Stay Safe. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @blubbbrabbel your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

With manipulative people....yeah weight isn't the biggest issue in this relationship. I wouldn't recommend counselling either when the partner is this manipulative, it would just make things worse. I'm sorry @blubbbrabbel that my advice after reading the new information is to end this relationship. I wish you luck either way.

I agree. We have the right to state what we want in a partner.

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Your bf mother is a b.
You right to call her to tell her why her son cancelled and you were right to tell him.
Sometimes bf’s mothers are the biggest problem in a relationship.

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Thank you all for your thoughts and replies!
@divine1966 You are probably right. I regret calling her.
I just didnt know how to reply to her text. And when I called she confronted me straight away with "Why dont you accept him as he is?" Which is not what I said... I should not have replied at all... I get that any mother would feel obliged to protect her child and to take sides.

I am not sure how to be around her in future. At the moment I guess be both are glad if we dont have to see each other. I guess time will take care...
I told my bf about the call. That was some kind of relief somehow.

@RoxanneToto Yes, it felt like mind games. Allthough, I dont think he is doing this conciously. More out of desperation and spite..
Maybe this is mostly about past conflicts we had. But I am just so tired to be judged for what some may call "my missbehaviour". Last time I took it too much to heart andI ended up hating myself and losing all selfrespect. I had to go to a clinic. I know, I can't blame anyone else for this. It was because of my conditioning that I decided to internalise all these things. This way I got so angry. I just feel I can't take that path again.

@MickeyCheeky yeah, I think you are right. I feel bad for the whole thing and regret bringing it up. Even more, since I realised afterwards that it was about completley different issues.
It was just... I felt so pressured for intimacy and so distant at the same time. I tried to explain and appologize. It is better now between us.
I just feel exhausted with work and I am not sure how I can change the work relationship so that we can feel better...
Or maybe we should not work together? But he works so much...
@MickeyCheeky maybe councelling could be a good thing....

Thank you all! This is such a wonderfull community!

You work with your bf? It sounds to me like you’re being triangulated into his relationship with his mother and they’re both narcissistic. You’re blaming yourself for having to go to a clinic. Sounds like you’re being abused.

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Well, I dont think it is good to blame anyone for having to go to a clinic... it's a place to seek help. So maybe it was a way to try to get better. Allthough I only got better recently.

I just feel better about it, when I don't put myself in a position, where I am a victim only. I still have unconscious moments, when I want to blame others. Because it feels easier. I did this a lot in this threat, I am sure. And yes, they have theire share. But it makes me feel passive, as though I had no choices. I could have left this relationship. But I didnt. And maybe it would have been better at that time. That is for hurts I had in the past... mostly in childhood. I am still working on this.

Now the relationship changed. For the better I think. But we still get tangled up in drama at times.

Did you say you work with your bf? So you’re excusing him and his mother? You don’t think they did anything wrong?

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I think it was unwise of her to contact me. And unwise of me to call her. I dislike her harsh opinion on her daughter in law. And I think we both said many things we should not have. And I would not want to face her for some time...

I dont like how he took it and how we got into drama. And how he told me about his friends view. And all that. Looking back, I know when I feel emotionally close, I dont care about his weight. So, maybe, I get his hurt on that level. I would not say something like that if I felt close. So maybe I can find compassion there. Is that excusing?

I still think, the whole weight issue is not as black and white to me, as it seems to them.

Can you relate to any of this?

Yes, I freelance for my bf. I am passionate about the projects. But I would probably scale them smaller.

How you spoke to him is separate from how they spoke to you.

Yes I can relate, I’ve had partners that smoke, were married, lived with their mothers, drank too much, were coworkers so I understand all that.

I think it comes down to lifestyle choices. If your bf is overweight due to a sedentary lifestyle and you have an active lifestyle, that may be an irreconcilable difference.

The mother issue is even harder.

At least he doesn’t live with her, right?

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Thank you for sharing!
I think, ironically, if there was any reason for him putting on a little weight... it would be the work. Too much of it. And unconsciously this might have played dome role in the back of my mind.
So, I guess, yeah. It is a question of lifestyle. But at the heart is the weight of the work.

He has a place of his own. Why would you call it a mother issue? To me it was more a seperate conflict I had with her. If anything he was not happy when I told him, she had texted me. Because he had declined her offer to talk to me.
Did you have bad situations with a mother in law?

It sounds like it isn’t a mother issue then, I would think it was when she had an opinion on how you talked to her son.

I don’t currently have a mil.

The last man I dated lived in his mother’s house, so I definitely had some issues there .

It sounds like you love him.

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