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Default Jun 26, 2021 at 12:25 PM
  #1
Anyone have the mentality that no one really cares about what's going on in your life regardless if they ask or not? I've been conditioned to believe that in almost all cases, even when someone asks how you're doing or what you've been up to, people truly don't give a crap about what's going on in your life. If they do ask, in most cases it is out of obligation or politeness and they could truly careless. I've been told by others that people don't care, and not just towards me, but towards others as well and that most people are only in it for themselves.

In fact, a casual friend I had in college had this mentality and anytime me or anyone else would tell others what's going on in their lives, whether it was online or in person, her response would be, "Okay, but you need to think and be truly honest with yourself, do they actually care? Like, actually think, do you think they really give a crap? Nope, they don't." Now I think the way she went about it was a bit arrogant and I would sort of ignore it, but at the same time, I believe she was right too. And as time went on, I developed that same mentality especially since it was drilled into my head by her and others, so it really stuck to me.

I use to post stuff on social media, like Facebook and Twitter, but anytime I would post it, I would think, "Does anyone care? Do they really want to know? Nope, they don't." And I would delete whatever I posted. I only post photos now and even then I'm careful how often I post photos. Same thing in real life, when someone asks me how I'm doing or what has been going on, I usually keep it superficial or even just say not much because I ask myself the same question I was asked by a friend, as well as other people, which was whether or not they truly cared.

I'm sure there are some people that do care. Some family members and close long time friends probably really do care, but other than that, I don't think anyone else does. Even when a coworker asks how I'm doing or what's been going on, I believe they don't truly care and are just asking out of politeness and to make small talk. Especially since I"m not close to my coworkers, basically coworkers are on the same level as acquaintances. Has anyone else developed the mentality that no one truly gives a crap about what's going on in your life? I believe there is truth to this, but at the same time, there are some that do care but not many.
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Default Jun 26, 2021 at 01:19 PM
  #2
I have heard that .
The question is : what are you looking to get out of those interactions?
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Default Jun 26, 2021 at 01:51 PM
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I am very much so can relate to these feelings. I was brought up in a household where we didn’t talk about our feelings and how they resonated with us. I struggle to this day to actually think that somebody really cares and they’re not asking out of obligation. It’s the hardest thing to recondition our brains. I hate little petty conversation with people because it seems pointless. The one thing that I have learned is that the few people who are really in my life and have been for many years, regardless of circumstance, they really mean they want to know. I’m 38 years old and I still talk to my high school librarian because she’s the only one who took the time out to understand me and help me get through some of the toughest times in my life.It’s hard to reach out you don’t have to suffer alone. People are here for you even if you don’t think that they are, a lot of times strangers are going through the same thing and they’re the best ones to talk to. Sending much understanding and support
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Default Jun 26, 2021 at 08:42 PM
  #4
I ask them how they are doing, and I care. If I don’t feel like I know them well enough, then I don’t feel like I should ask just to be polite. So I presume people generally feel the same towards me.

Sometimes I think I may have given TMI. Then I am embarrassed I told them how I really am doing instead of the polite response of “fine”. When I was going through a trauma a couple years ago, I made a new friend and went to lunch with her. I spilled the whole story then felt mortified I told too much. I never called her again to nurture the friendship because I was embarrassed. That was dumb self sabotage on my part. She may not have even thought badly of me.

Another old friend I reconnected with had a lunch with me. We had to give each other a brief history of our lives since we had known each other 20 years prior. I hadn’t even told her anything negative. She stopped me before I told her about my life and said she didn’t want to hear my stories of “gloom and doom” and she didn’t want to be friends! 😱. I didn’t take that personally. It was her issue as I had given her no reason to say that. She was just that closed and curt of a person. At least she was honest! I told her she should get a mat for her front door that says “unwelcome”.

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Default Jun 26, 2021 at 11:04 PM
  #5
I don't have that mentality. I pick & choose who I tell things to IRL & if anyone does ask I will give them the "cliff notes" version. If they really care to ask more they are welcome to.... but it is their choice & I don't force details on them

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Default Jun 27, 2021 at 11:44 AM
  #6
Well of course family and close friends mostly care but other than that why would you expect every single person care about what’s going on in your life? It’s not possible.
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Default Jun 27, 2021 at 01:32 PM
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My small family don't seem to care. My aunt makes an effort but I don't think she knows what to say in various situations. My 16 year old niece has empathy but obviously not the life experience. As for my brother, he only does what he's allowed to do (by controlling wife!)

When someone asks about your life, it can be difficult to work out whether they mean it or not. I have a good (male) friend. We've never met in person but he's had to remind me on more than one occasion "when I ask how you are, I want to know how you really are". I'm more open with him than anyone in my family.

It's an individual's choice how to deal with this. Family traits can influence how you interpret someone's interest (or lack of it). My mother's neighbour usually listens for about two minutes when asking how she is, then proceeds to turn the conversation to everything about her. Is that genuine interest; no. That's my take on it
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Default Jun 28, 2021 at 01:02 PM
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Originally Posted by leomama View Post
I have heard that .
The question is : what are you looking to get out of those interactions?
Not sure if I know what you mean.
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Default Jun 28, 2021 at 01:04 PM
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Originally Posted by Purplegoat83 View Post
I am very much so can relate to these feelings. I was brought up in a household where we didn’t talk about our feelings and how they resonated with us. I struggle to this day to actually think that somebody really cares and they’re not asking out of obligation. It’s the hardest thing to recondition our brains. I hate little petty conversation with people because it seems pointless. The one thing that I have learned is that the few people who are really in my life and have been for many years, regardless of circumstance, they really mean they want to know. I’m 38 years old and I still talk to my high school librarian because she’s the only one who took the time out to understand me and help me get through some of the toughest times in my life.It’s hard to reach out you don’t have to suffer alone. People are here for you even if you don’t think that they are, a lot of times strangers are going through the same thing and they’re the best ones to talk to. Sending much understanding and support
Yep exactly, I was raised to be that way too. And not just from parents, but I've heard that from other people, even friends before. Although yes, some of the people that told me did come off as arrogant, as if they have all the answers, even they were right to a certain extent. Usually once something like that is drilled into your brain, it is hard to remove it.
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Default Jun 28, 2021 at 01:07 PM
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I ask them how they are doing, and I care. If I don’t feel like I know them well enough, then I don’t feel like I should ask just to be polite. So I presume people generally feel the same towards me.

Sometimes I think I may have given TMI. Then I am embarrassed I told them how I really am doing instead of the polite response of “fine”. When I was going through a trauma a couple years ago, I made a new friend and went to lunch with her. I spilled the whole story then felt mortified I told too much. I never called her again to nurture the friendship because I was embarrassed. That was dumb self sabotage on my part. She may not have even thought badly of me.

Another old friend I reconnected with had a lunch with me. We had to give each other a brief history of our lives since we had known each other 20 years prior. I hadn’t even told her anything negative. She stopped me before I told her about my life and said she didn’t want to hear my stories of “gloom and doom” and she didn’t want to be friends! 😱. I didn’t take that personally. It was her issue as I had given her no reason to say that. She was just that closed and curt of a person. At least she was honest! I told her she should get a mat for her front door that says “unwelcome”.
I'm sorry you had to deal with that. I experienced that myself. A long time ago, I used to think anyone who asked me questions about my life or how I was doing genuinely cared. But then I soon realized they really didn't care and that I told them stuff that they didn't need to know or didn't want to know. I learned better as I got older and I'm very cautious about that now. I agree that you shouldn't feel like you have to ask others how they're doing out of obligation, but in some cases it happens. I usually don't do that, but sometimes I catch myself asking out of politeness just to fill in awkward silences.
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Default Jun 28, 2021 at 01:07 PM
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I don't have that mentality. I pick & choose who I tell things to IRL & if anyone does ask I will give them the "cliff notes" version. If they really care to ask more they are welcome to.... but it is their choice & I don't force details on them
Yeah that makes sense and I am the same way. I'm very careful.
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Default Jun 28, 2021 at 01:08 PM
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Well of course family and close friends mostly care but other than that why would you expect every single person care about what’s going on in your life? It’s not possible.
Yeah I wouldn't expect it. I used to have trouble knowing if someone was asking out of politeness but now I know the difference.
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Default Jun 28, 2021 at 01:11 PM
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My small family don't seem to care. My aunt makes an effort but I don't think she knows what to say in various situations. My 16 year old niece has empathy but obviously not the life experience. As for my brother, he only does what he's allowed to do (by controlling wife!)

When someone asks about your life, it can be difficult to work out whether they mean it or not. I have a good (male) friend. We've never met in person but he's had to remind me on more than one occasion "when I ask how you are, I want to know how you really are". I'm more open with him than anyone in my family.

It's an individual's choice how to deal with this. Family traits can influence how you interpret someone's interest (or lack of it). My mother's neighbour usually listens for about two minutes when asking how she is, then proceeds to turn the conversation to everything about her. Is that genuine interest; no. That's my take on it
Yeah it can be difficult to work it out, but as you gain life experience, it becomes easier. I used to think anyone I knew that asked questions about me actually cared, but then I soon realized in most cases they actually don't and are just being polite. Now I'm very careful and if I do give details, it is very basic small amounts of it. If they truly care and want to know, they'll keep pressing for more information.
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Default Jun 28, 2021 at 01:57 PM
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Yeah I wouldn't expect it. I used to have trouble knowing if someone was asking out of politeness but now I know the difference.
They ask out of politeness unless they are close friends, people you know very well, family etc and even then it’s no guarantee
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Default Jun 28, 2021 at 02:19 PM
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I'm sorry you had to deal with that. I experienced that myself. A long time ago, I used to think anyone who asked me questions about my life or how I was doing genuinely cared. But then I soon realized they really didn't care and that I told them stuff that they didn't need to know or didn't want to know. I learned better as I got older and I'm very cautious about that now. I agree that you shouldn't feel like you have to ask others how they're doing out of obligation, but in some cases it happens. I usually don't do that, but sometimes I catch myself asking out of politeness just to fill in awkward silences.
I feel it’s nice to ask out of politeness. If I run into an acquaintance I ask how they are doing. It seems like basic social grace to me. Of course, I don’t expect them to go into a whole story while meeting in passing. It would just be a quick response and then we go about our way.

The friend I gave TMI, I was really in trauma and it blurted out. Right after that, I learned (on this forum) how people feel about TMI and I was so embarrassed!

The friend who was so curt, well that was just her personality. I wasn’t even put off by it, I thought it was funny. Though I would have liked to have another friend.

People used to conform more to societal norms like asking how you are and probably pretending to care….but so what? I thought that was nicer than being honest to someone’s face that you really don’t care about them. Now, people generally (in USA?) are brutally honest and make no pretense about not giving a hoot.

I kinda like phoney caring better. And some people truly do care, taking a moment to connect on a human level and make someone feel good.

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Default Jun 28, 2021 at 04:25 PM
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Not sure if I know what you mean.

What are your expectations?
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Default Jun 28, 2021 at 04:36 PM
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How are you expecting them to SHOW they care? Are they supposed to listen to a detailed explanation of what you are going through every time you feel like telling it?

Do you expect them to FIX your problems if they REALLY care?

Basically the question really is, what do you expect out of others behaviors to prove to you that they care?

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Default Jun 28, 2021 at 05:30 PM
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They ask out of politeness unless they are close friends, people you know very well, family etc and even then it’s no guarantee
Yep I agree. In fact, now I only give very brief responses to any questions they ask about me or about how I'm doing. The way I see it, if they truly care, they'll keep asking. And honest, even then there is no guarantee as well like you said.
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Default Jun 28, 2021 at 05:33 PM
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I feel it’s nice to ask out of politeness. If I run into an acquaintance I ask how they are doing. It seems like basic social grace to me. Of course, I don’t expect them to go into a whole story while meeting in passing. It would just be a quick response and then we go about our way.

The friend I gave TMI, I was really in trauma and it blurted out. Right after that, I learned (on this forum) how people feel about TMI and I was so embarrassed!

The friend who was so curt, well that was just her personality. I wasn’t even put off by it, I thought it was funny. Though I would have liked to have another friend.

People used to conform more to societal norms like asking how you are and probably pretending to care….but so what? I thought that was nicer than being honest to someone’s face that you really don’t care about them. Now, people generally (in USA?) are brutally honest and make no pretense about not giving a hoot.

I kinda like phoney caring better. And some people truly do care, taking a moment to connect on a human level and make someone feel good.
Yeah I've noticed people seem to be more honest now than before. I prefer more honesty. Also I will say, I'd rather have someone not want to even pretend to be nice or care than have someone pity me in a condescending manner. I've had that happen too, a really big turn off and I hate it.
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Default Jun 28, 2021 at 05:59 PM
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Basically the question really is, what do you expect out of others behaviors to prove to you that they care?
And what are you willing to give to others?

Google the quote "only connect".
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