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Default Jun 06, 2021 at 02:52 PM
  #1
I started seeing this guy very recently, and we decided to delete our dating apps together and just focus on the relationship by not dating others.

My friend asked me where he worked, and I told her what town it was. I did not think anything of it. Well, she texted me, "What is your boyfriend's last name?" I was really take aback, gave her a name that sounded like his last name (I shouldn't have), and she said she was trying to look him up.

I told her that I really did not appreciate her looking up his information and that I want to keep things private and keep it slow. Plus, I'm fully capable of looking up information by myself IF I choose to. She proceeded him up by that last name without my permission and said "I can't find him." So she violated my privacy for the second time. I was nice about it and reiterated that I would appreciate if she would not look him up and added that if she finds him on social media, I do not want her friending him or contacting him.

I'm not sure if I was assertive enough? I feel like my privacy was violated and so was his. I feel she was just being nosy and did not do this out of concern. I have learned that I really can't trust her. What should I do moving forward when it comes to this friendship? I hope she does not continue to overstep my boundaries and hope she gets the point.

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Default Jun 06, 2021 at 03:12 PM
  #2
That sounds assertive to me.


It sounds like you are still angry / annoyed with her for doing this and that there are some trust issues in this friendship. You have a right to feel this way. I might, too.


I am wondering why you are wondering if you were assertive enough? What else were you thinking of saying to her / doing?


In regards to your question wondering what you should do moving forward with this friendship, what do YOU want to do?
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Default Jun 06, 2021 at 04:58 PM
  #3
Wow. If she always this way? Does she feel you can’t take care of yourself??? I’d be absolutely livid
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Default Jun 06, 2021 at 05:18 PM
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Originally Posted by WovenGalaxy View Post
That sounds assertive to me.


It sounds like you are still angry / annoyed with her for doing this and that there are some trust issues in this friendship. You have a right to feel this way. I might, too.


I am wondering why you are wondering if you were assertive enough? What else were you thinking of saying to her / doing?


In regards to your question wondering what you should do moving forward with this friendship, what do YOU want to do?
I wish I would have said that I am uncomfortable giving his last name instead of giving her one that just sounded like his. I should have just said, "I'm not comfortable saying his last name." When I told one person about the interaction, they said I was being too nice and that I was letting her off too easily, so I really wasn't sure if I said the right thing.

This interaction made me trust her a lot less than before. She does have a history of gossiping and not treating one of our mutual friends very nicely, which led my other friend to no longer contact her.

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Default Jun 06, 2021 at 05:19 PM
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Wow. If she always this way? Does she feel you can’t take care of yourself??? I’d be absolutely livid
That's what I was wondering too. I am still angry and hurt. I don't really know if I want to be that close with her anymore. One thing I know for sure is that I'm going to be very careful about how much I reveal to her in the future when it comes to my personal business. It's sad it needs to be like that though, because I should be able to fully trust her.

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Default Jun 06, 2021 at 05:54 PM
  #6
Yes, when you gave his last name (sort of) when you didn't want to, yes that's unassertive but don't be hard on yourself. Hopefully she will respect your wishes. If she doesn't you may need to make a decision about your friendship, like you said. If you are feeling frustrated and uneasy with her, maybe try backing off for now.
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Default Jun 06, 2021 at 05:59 PM
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It is very disappointing when you (general you) realise you can’t fully trust someone. The thing with thinking you should have said “I’m not comfortable with giving his last name” is hindsight talking. We can always be wise after the fact, and do things differently if the situation arises again.
Do you feel like you complied with her request because you felt like saying “no” would have felt like you were being mean or rude? Setting boundaries with others can feel like that, especially if we’ve been trained to please others (not saying that is the case with you, because I don’t know you). Apologies if I’ve missed the mark, it’s just how I read it.
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Default Jun 06, 2021 at 06:34 PM
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It is very disappointing when you (general you) realise you can’t fully trust someone. The thing with thinking you should have said “I’m not comfortable with giving his last name” is hindsight talking. We can always be wise after the fact, and do things differently if the situation arises again.
Do you feel like you complied with her request because you felt like saying “no” would have felt like you were being mean or rude? Setting boundaries with others can feel like that, especially if we’ve been trained to please others (not saying that is the case with you, because I don’t know you). Apologies if I’ve missed the mark, it’s just how I read it.
You are right. Yes, I was afraid of coming off as rude when she asked me about his last name. Also, I should have really thought it through before responding, which is something I do sometimes. I don't like confrontation, but I'm a private person, so it caused me to feel very anxious when she said she has looking up his information.

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Default Jun 07, 2021 at 02:39 AM
  #9
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It is very disappointing when you (general you) realise you can’t fully trust someone. The thing with thinking you should have said “I’m not comfortable with giving his last name” is hindsight talking. We can always be wise after the fact, and do things differently if the situation arises again.
Do you feel like you complied with her request because you felt like saying “no” would have felt like you were being mean or rude? Setting boundaries with others can feel like that, especially if we’ve been trained to please others (not saying that is the case with you, because I don’t know you). Apologies if I’ve missed the mark, it’s just how I read it.

To me saying "no" only feels cold/rude if the other person acts really er, skillfully about showing niceness and ingratiating stuff and whatnot. Or more like...used to feel that way, i.e cold or rude. I have less of a problem with that now. My point is that it only feels that way if the other person is manipulative. Maybe I'm not alone with that.
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Default Jun 07, 2021 at 04:24 AM
  #10
Sometimes we can open our mouths then later regret the information we've given.

A similar thing happened to me many years ago. An ex friend (note the ex) worked for UK Inland Revenue (taxation). Thought I would help my now ex by asking her a question about his tax. Did it hypothetically and got the answer he wanted. Wasn't obvious that she'd worked out who it was.

Forward to about eight months later. She admitted that she'd looked up the tax affairs of another friend's husband. Then proceeded to tell me she thought there was a tax dodge going on. He worked in a bank but not sure if this was linked. Bottom line was she didn't like him so was trying to find "something on him".

Finally severed the friendship couple of years later. Different reason, but that's when the other events began to resonate. As the saying goes "you have two ears but only one mouth, use it wisely".
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Default Jun 07, 2021 at 05:15 AM
  #11
It would be cold and maybe rude if it was the info she suppose to have or info that pertains to you, like if you had a baby and refuse to tell her their name. Random guys last name isn’t something she needs to know and it’s not your personal info for you to share.

She sounds like a busy body
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Default Jun 07, 2021 at 04:56 PM
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Sometimes we can open our mouths then later regret the information we've given.

A similar thing happened to me many years ago. An ex friend (note the ex) worked for UK Inland Revenue (taxation). Thought I would help my now ex by asking her a question about his tax. Did it hypothetically and got the answer he wanted. Wasn't obvious that she'd worked out who it was.

Forward to about eight months later. She admitted that she'd looked up the tax affairs of another friend's husband. Then proceeded to tell me she thought there was a tax dodge going on. He worked in a bank but not sure if this was linked. Bottom line was she didn't like him so was trying to find "something on him".

Finally severed the friendship couple of years later. Different reason, but that's when the other events began to resonate. As the saying goes "you have two ears but only one mouth, use it wisely".
Wow, that's really messed up that she did that! It just goes to show how some people really disrespect others' boundaries.

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Default Jun 07, 2021 at 04:57 PM
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It would be cold and maybe rude if it was the info she suppose to have or info that pertains to you, like if you had a baby and refuse to tell her their name. Random guys last name isn’t something she needs to know and it’s not your personal info for you to share.

She sounds like a busy body
I definitely think it is her being a busy body. I don't believe that she did any of this out of concern. I also wonder if jealousy is a factor since I am excited with someone new, and maybe she's trying to find dirt on him to sabotage it in some way. I'm not sure though.

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Default Jun 07, 2021 at 11:42 PM
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I started seeing this guy very recently, and we decided to delete our dating apps together and just focus on the relationship by not dating others.

My friend asked me where he worked, and I told her what town it was. I did not think anything of it. Well, she texted me, "What is your boyfriend's last name?" I was really take aback, gave her a name that sounded like his last name (I shouldn't have), and she said she was trying to look him up.

I told her that I really did not appreciate her looking up his information and that I want to keep things private and keep it slow. Plus, I'm fully capable of looking up information by myself IF I choose to. She proceeded him up by that last name without my permission and said "I can't find him." So she violated my privacy for the second time. I was nice about it and reiterated that I would appreciate if she would not look him up and added that if she finds him on social media, I do not want her friending him or contacting him.

I'm not sure if I was assertive enough? I feel like my privacy was violated and so was his. I feel she was just being nosy and did not do this out of concern. I have learned that I really can't trust her. What should I do moving forward when it comes to this friendship? I hope she does not continue to overstep my boundaries and hope she gets the point.

In cases like this I think you just need to be blunt, direct, and straightforward. Tell her “I don’t want you to involve yourself in my relationship. I did not ask you to look anything up, and I certainly don’t want you looking things up about my new relationship. If I have concerns I can look things up myself. Do not do this again. If you do our friendship will forever be fractured and I will not maintain contact with you.” I know that’s harsh but at the same time you have to set a firm boundary or this will just keep happening. God for bid you end up in a very strong intimate and long-term relationship with this person and she continues to be nosy.

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Default Jun 08, 2021 at 07:54 PM
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In cases like this I think you just need to be blunt, direct, and straightforward. Tell her “I don’t want you to involve yourself in my relationship. I did not ask you to look anything up, and I certainly don’t want you looking things up about my new relationship. If I have concerns I can look things up myself. Do not do this again. If you do our friendship will forever be fractured and I will not maintain contact with you.” I know that’s harsh but at the same time you have to set a firm boundary or this will just keep happening. God for bid you end up in a very strong intimate and long-term relationship with this person and she continues to be nosy.

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Great advice. Thanks!

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Default Jun 08, 2021 at 08:02 PM
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Great advice. Thanks!

You know I first felt like maybe it's too much drama to threaten ending of the friendship but then I realised that I only felt this way because I had this "friend" who did drama like that easily. So yeah I think in your case it makes sense to mention that it would really kill the friendship.
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