Public record of our relationship

Well he said these things not me. He didn’t say he wasn’t interested either. He said I have to change something , I don’t know what. I’ll try to get clarification.

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There is infact a 100% chance that you don't have to change anything! It's about him, not you. Please don't believe his abusive words.

It’s hard because I’m the one who pushed him to get his diagnosis and now he won’t give me the time of day. He was a peer counselor so I guess for him mental illness is the soup of the day, for me there are very few people I can talk to about it in real life. He seems to have thought I was narcissistic but I could be wrong, that could’ve been his ex wife. I’m in so much pain. I had no idea this wound was so deep. Thank you so much for replying . This site has always been a lifeline for me. I brought him here too but he’s gone now. It’s so ironic that he was helped by the same people that I was helped by and yet he doesn’t acknowledge that connection . He blames his mental breakdown on me when I was just the trigger. It was the same thing I went through with my divorce . That’s a whole different situation , and that man also has a very different story about what happened as I learned recently from my daughter’s boyfriend . I just for once would like to be on the same page as my partner in other words have a true partner . I guess I am not ready yet . I thought I was and apparently there is even more work I need to do on myself . I really miss my sobriety sponsor. I think she’s passed on. She used to talk to me about partnership .

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I think your choice in men is very unfortunate. And sad. There is nothing wrong with wanting true partner. But men you choose are not and will not be true partners. You can’t keep on trying to change these wrong partners into what you want them to be. It’s not happening. What you see is what you get. And what you see is no good. Neither your ex husband nor this ex in question nor current boyfriend will ever be true partners. They are not right men for that. I am sorry but that’s just what it is

I think when you meet new men you need to evaluate if they are quality partners before you get serious or even consider dating them, let alone engage or marry

The one who you call my current boyfriend came highly recommended to me by many people as a very intelligent person with good values who treats women well, who also has a drinking and smoking problem which I made clear to him I would not tolerate anymore. And people speak highly publicly of my ex fiancé . And people like my ex husband too cause he’s fun.

How do you suggest I evaluate someone as a quality partner?

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I personally don’t care what other people think and who they recommend. You said your ex husband was an alcoholic. That’s a red flag or rather red banner and pretty much a sign that there will be no healthy relationship. Him being fun is irrelevant. Ex fiancée was married and lied not only about marriage but about many other things. Red flag. Deal breaker. Who cares what others think. Current man is a heavy drinker (although you said he started to drink less), red flag. He might be intelligent but so many other people. Doesn’t mean he is going to be happily ever after.

You evaluate on what you see. Not what you hope is going to change and not what others tell you. Every man you meet you hope will change. But they don’t (some adjustments sure but they don’t change at their core).

I’ve met some men my family thought were great and I am silly not responding to their advances. But them thinking someone is great doesn’t make it so

All these men might be smart and fun and liked by general public but they aren’t good partners. That’s the point. It doesn’t take many years to see it. Is it easy? No. I made these same mistakes myself.

I didn’t say my current man as you call him was a heavy drinker, I said he was a maintenance drinker meaning he drank every day . I’ve never seen him drunk.

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Ok so he doesn’t drink to the point of being drunk. That’s good.

But regardless how much he drinks, you said you aren’t happy with him and he shares all deal breakers of your ex plus takes it to another level. Bottom line he is not Mr. Right either.

It’s your life of course and you can keep going for these wrong partners. But I recommend to find a good therapist and work on breaking a pattern of going for these men (attraction to these men likely stems from your family of origin and it’s hard to break this pattern but you can do it).

I think time will be better spent on trying to break this cycle rather than trying to get ex partners to come back to you or trying to change them. It’s a waste of your mental energy.

I have a therapist and a psychiatrist . I agree with you about my ex fiancé. Since he wants to be stubborn, as he put it. I’m actually not going for a wrong partner. I’m not trying to change them. I never said I had a partner.

I know all about of family of origin work as well.

I don’t think we’re reaching an understanding yet however I agree it is wrong to pursue my ex fiancé a second time.

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Got you. Some people don’t like words boyfriend or what not so I use “partner”. So if you aren’t going for wrong men and choosing the right ones to partner with, then it’s all good.

Actually there’s a big difference between boyfriend and partner. They are different levels of relationship. I haven’t chosen anyone to partner with. I get the feeling you’re being slightly dismissive but it could be the anonymity of the text medium. I assume you’re trying to help. I get that I need to let go of my ex fiancé keeping a public record , which was what this thread was about. We’ve diverged into some very irrelevant stuff, no?

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FYI, if someone is REALLY a "soulmate" they will be a REAL partner. If not then your loose use of terms describing your relationship is inaccurate & maybe indicates that you, yourself have relationship problems also & not just the other people involved

It’s actually very common which is why this is the busiest forum amongst all. Same with the depression forum.

We’re talking about two different relationships . Pleas go back and reread. This thread was about my ex fiancé not the boyfriend. I never said my ex fiancé wasn’t my partner. I never said the boyfriend was my soulmate or my partner.

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Quote:

Originally Posted by leomama We’re talking about two different relationships . Pleas go back and reread. This thread was about my ex fiancé not the boyfriend. I never said my ex fiancé wasn’t my partner. I never said the boyfriend was my soulmate or my partner. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Well the guy who is your ex fiancee sure doesn't act like a soulmate or a partner & actions speak louder than words

Thank you, this line was great. Came just at the right time. Yesterday I was thinking about the 2nd bad, traumatic relationship I had (I had two in total), and somehow I was looking at patterns very far back in childhood, recognising something about them and trying to transform them in my own mind and emotionally if that makes any sense at all.

(It doesn't even have to be about romantic relationships. Just any kind of attached relationship. That 2nd bad relationship wasn't a romantic one)

I agree that today he isn’t acting like a soulmate or partner . And thank you , I accept that he has left multiple public records of our relationship. I think we’ve reached the conclusion of this thread as that what it was about. I appreciate your input .

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Quote:

Originally Posted by leomama I agree that today he isn’t acting like a soulmate or partner . And thank you , I accept that he has left multiple public records of our relationship. I think we’ve reached the conclusion of this thread as that what it was about. I appreciate your input . Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Yes, & leaving multiple public records of a relationship is definitely NOT what a soulmate or partner would do. Glad you are recognizing this & analyzing some past relationship issues. They can definitely highlight problems & areas we need to reinforce against in our current lives. My T called that "integration".

I have been analyzing past relationship issues ever since my marriage started falling apart due to my ex husbands drinking . That would be my past relationship in comparison to my ex fiancé. I’m curious why you say a soulmate wouldn’t leave multiple public accounts of our past relationship.

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Quote:

Originally Posted by leomama I have been analyzing past relationship issues ever since my marriage started falling apart due to my ex husbands drinking . That would be my past relationship in comparison to my ex fiancé. I’m curious why you say a soulmate wouldn’t leave multiple public accounts of our past relationship. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Soulmates are more private with the person they are soulmates with. Quality relationships don't need a public broadcast.