[JasonPerreira0]

TL;DR

My (M46) girlfriend (F28) has difficulty opening up sexually because of fear of commitment, but I'm wondering if there's other guys in the picture.

Hi all,

I (M47) am dating a girl (F29) since four months. We are very much in love and things have been great from the beginning. We don't notice the age difference at all when we are together, we feel completely equal intellectually. We are however in a different stage of life, which is logical. But we have a great click and things are pretty serious (we have each others keys, plan holiday together, meet each others family etc.)

As it comes to sex, things started very slow. Which is ok, I don't think there's a need to rush anything when you first meet. The first two months there was just a lot of hugging and kissing and sleeping over, but no intercourse. There was a lot of touching and romantic words from my side, but she wouldn't show any initiative to touch me or to go any further. Although she did say she liked it a lot and she got turned on by it.

But after three months I started to wonder if maybe something was wrong, since we continued to get more and more serious. I felt a bit confused if we were perhaps entering a platonic relationship? I decided to ask her directly why she wouldn't touch me. She replied she was just a bit weird like that and that she found it difficult to fully surrender physically. I asked her if she maybe wasn't attracted to me physically? No that was not it. I then asked her if she maybe had a bad sexual experience in her past that made her scared to fully open up sexually? No that also was not the case. I then asked her if there maybe was somebody else that she (still) liked or has feelings for? I mean, maybe she was dating someone before we met that she wasn't fully over with, or was still thinking about? I can imagine that can also be a reason for a 'physical blockade'. But no that was also not it she said.

She eventually told me that she had been in a relationship for two years which had ended very suddenly. Her boyfriend kicked her out of the house one morning without any warning or explanation, saying he was simply done with her. And that she's scared something similar might happen again now that we are getting so serious. Since that happened she had been single for two years and had been dating some guys, until she met me and we got 'serious'.

A few weeks went by and we had another talk about how she felt she's a bit hesitant to fully commit (sexually) because of being scared I would also leave her all of a sudden, but ALSO because she doesn't know for sure if she's ready to give up her 'newly' found freedom she enjoyed the past two years after breaking up with her ex. Being able to do whatever she wants, go to parties, meet new people, date different guys. Travel by herself, etc. I told her I understand that if she's not ready to commit again she should perhaps just be single again? I said I would be sad if it ended between us, but I can't force her into anything she's not ready for right? But during all this time (we are past three months now) we are still together almost every day, telling each other constantly how much in love we are, sleeping over, hours of hugging and kissing and being 'boyfriend&girlfriend' socially.

Strange enough, after we had that talk, things started to go better. We started to have sex regularly and talking about our future. Plan a holiday together, exchanging house keys, fantasising about living abroad together for a few years. We are four months together now and things look solid.

But... still every now and then when we are romantic in bed, she sometimes says she has no libido and apologises for it and 'blames' it again on fear of commitment. For me it's a bit frustrating, although I give her all the space she needs. But I also think at 29 years old she should be in her sexual prime and if we are really serious why this constant hesitation? I made it clear many times that I'm serious with her, I am done fooling around (I'm 47, I've calmed down already). All I can think is that she still longs to her 'single' lifestyle a bit?

Now comes the part I struggle with a bit. I have been off social media for a few years, but recently decided to log in again and see what's going on. Also I was curious what my girlfriend had been posting online since we met. I never asked and was never bothered to know. Of course her being 29 she's into instagram a lot. On her profile I found nothing special, although I noticed she posted nothing about me or us.

I did notice one very sexy picture (it stands out because all other posts are not sexy at all), her posing in tight jeans and a bra, about 2 months into our relationship. I had never seen this picture before, and I never received a picture this sexy from her so far. (We do send each other selfies almost every day, but never sexual ones). In the comments there's one guy reacting with the smiley with two hearts as eyes, and her replying 'darling' and a smiley with a kiss/mouth. I don't know who this guy is and she never mentioned his name. I checked and she has been commenting 'hearts' on all his posts the past 12 months. Also there's one other guy she's been commenting 'hearts' on a lot of pictures and continued to do so until now.

I feel a bit betrayed in a way. Why is she taking a picture like that and doesn't send it to me, the guy she's dating/spending nights with, but instead posts it online? And doing that while she 'has trouble' opening up sexually with me. Is it weird for me to feel a bit fooled?

Also, should I confront her with this? I do like to know who these two guys are, and if it has anything to do with her fear of commitment. When I think a 'bad' scenario, was my initial feeling right that perhaps she was still 'busy' with someone else while we were having sexless sleepovers?

Things are going great between us, but I can't help wondering if she's still in touch with other guys?

How should I read this? Am I seeing ghosts? Is she lying to me about why she didn't want to have sex the first three months?

Would I ruin the good vibes we have if I bring this up now? I am very much in love with her and she is with me. Should I just be wiser and older and let this go? Or should I ask her to show me her whatsapp and DMs in her phone for me to see who she is still in touch with?

I am pretty conservative when it comes to things like this. I was also dating before I met her, but the moment we kissed I removed all chats and numbers of any other women that could have romantic intensions. Is it fair to ask the same from her?

Thanks in advance for any advice how to deal with this!

[BigBubba]

Originally Posted by JasonPerreira0

Also, should I confront her with this? I do like to know who these two guys are, and if it has anything to do with her fear of commitment. When I think a 'bad' scenario, was my initial feeling right that perhaps she was still 'busy' with someone else while we were having sexless sleepovers?

Even if she was sleeping with someone else, telling her that you pretty much stalked her account and found a guy in the comment section is gonna make you look like the most DESPERATE guy in the world. You're the man. You're nearly 50. Don't do the teenager stunts, please.

29yo with libido problem sounds like a myth, but it happens. It may be it. If you don't trust her though you should end this as soon as possible because what's the point of going on? Trust must be there.

[Alive99]

Originally Posted by BigBubba

Even if she was sleeping with someone else, telling her that you pretty much stalked her account and found a guy in the comment section is gonna make you look like the most DESPERATE guy in the world. You're the man. You're nearly 50. Don't do the teenager stunts, please.

29yo with libido problem sounds like a myth, but it happens. It may be it. If you don't trust her though you should end this as soon as possible because what's the point of going on? Trust must be there.

I don't think that he was stalking the account if it's a public account and he's her boyfriend.

The rest I agree with.

[Alive99]

Hey @JasonPerreira0.

My advice is, break up with her. Don't waste time on this any more.

Why?

She clearly is not honest with you.

That in my eyes is enough reason for a break-up.

Find someone else who doesn't have a secret life and commitment issues, who doesn't give you weird, vague and not straightforward explanations of stuff and so on. Someone who doesn't cause you to keep overthinking things due to their vague and mixed signals.

But there is more, see below.

To me the following in particular stand out from your post:

- She waited with sex until you told her you aren't too "crazy" about her, like you are fine with letting her go. Possibly means she wants to make sure you don't pose too much risk while she's doing her secret life. She may want you around for your money, or something like that. This one is just my "intuition" but I do feel something is wrong with that. Do examine what material or other advantages she may be looking for with you.

- The fact that she sends mixed signals in general. Big red flag right there. She's constantly telling you how much in love she is with you, yet she talks about needing freedom about dating different guys, being able to do whatever she wants, travelling by herself, blah blah. She may want you for your money again, and wants to keep as much freedom as possible while being with you.

- Bad sign: she doesn't post about you two. Did she expect that you wouldn't ever go back on social media?

- The story about getting kicked out of the house all of a sudden. I don't think that's a real story. Or at least it can't be how it actually happened. Funny, not the first time I see someone talking about stories of getting kicked out, while that someone is looking to take advantage of someone else by getting their sympathy with stories like that, whether true partially or not at all true.

- She's still sending mixed signals with claiming she has no libido. Yet is able to flirt with other guys. Suppose she suddenly has "no libido" when she doesn't feel like paying you with sex for whatever other advantage she's hoping to get from you. You are right, it's not okay that she posts these pictures but doesn't share them with you.

- And then the true big red flag that really on its own should already end this relationship. She talks about fear of commitment.

Forget this woman. Please stop the overanalysing of how she should be in her sexual prime, or why she has the constant hesitation, even though you made it clear you are serious and so on. Please stop, and just go and dump her. Find someone else who doesn't do mixed signals. Preferably someone who needs nothing from you in terms of money or other advantages. Or if they don't have money, they do have genuine intentions and feelings, i.e. no mixed signals, no vague "explanations", no sending hearts to random guys, is willing to COMMIT, and even have a family if you want a family (I don't know if you do), etc.

And. Yes, it's normal for you to feel fooled. If you continued this relationship, you'd just feel even more fooled.

The other post above mine is good too, don't show any desperateness, just dump her.

Good luck.

[Have Hope]

My take is she has told you she would still like to be single without coming out honestly and saying it. She wants her freedom still, and that's why she's not committing sexually to you. You could confront her about the social media posts, her hearts to other guys and her sexy picture, but she'll likely deny it. I would just tell her you're not ready for a relationship, so I think we need to part ways. Save yourself all the heartache and trouble.

It's hard to say what's really going on with her, I think, because she is not being straight with you. You're getting mixed messages. I agree with the poster who said she pretty much said she wants to be single still. That is what she said to you. Believe it when people say things to you. With her instagram account, too, it sounds like she was at a different place than you were with the relationship, 2 months in. In terms of her libido, yes, she absolutely could be having libido issues (I disagree that she's "too young"), or a psychological issue due to her past breakup, she could be seeing someone else, we don't know. You don't know. But it sounds like...there are some trust issues on your end that are valid. You could certainly bring up instagram, if it's a public profile, and ask her (you could say you were interested in having an account yourself and checking it out, though yes, there is a chance she will not receive this well). Maybe you will get some clarity. Maybe not. It's hard because you're saying "I love you," having sex with her, and (partially) enjoying yourself with her. Something sounds off though and it just sounds like you guys aren't on the same wavelength despite her not admitting it.

[Molinit]

Did you ever have the conversation where you clearly stated you are not going to date or see anyone else? Because very early on, she clearly told you she isn't fully committed to you. Unless you had the conversation with both of you deciding not to see anyone else, she still isn't committed to you and asking about people posting to her Instagram is inappropriate.

[MickeyCheeky]

So Sorry you guys are going through this! Please do not give up! i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters that it seems quite hard to teel what is going on. i'd bring up with her what is going on although i am not sure if it is worth talking about her instagram posts at the moment. Just share some of the trust issues you seem to be having with her and listen to or read her replies. It does seems strange tom that if she was being unfaithful she would simply post this kind of thing on a public instagram in my opinion. i'd ask her if there's anything going on perhaps without mentioning her social media at first. i think it is worth proceeding with caution in my opinion. Hopefully everything will be sorted out then. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @JasonPerreira0, your Family, your Friend and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[Alive99]

Originally Posted by Molinit

Did you ever have the conversation where you clearly stated you are not going to date or see anyone else? Because very early on, she clearly told you she isn't fully committed to you. Unless you had the conversation with both of you deciding not to see anyone else, she still isn't committed to you and asking about people posting to her Instagram is inappropriate.

Clearly they did have it:

"talking about our future. Plan a holiday together, exchanging house keys, fantasising about living abroad together for a few years"

"I made it clear many times that I'm serious with her, I am done fooling around"

Also, obviously, they have a sexual life now, and they regularly spend the nights together. So unless you expect people to always specify separately that it isn't an open or polyamorous relationship....it should be obvious that it's supposed to be an exclusive one.

To the OP, have you guys had any official conversation with each other about being committed to each other and how you both feel about that?

[Molinit]

Originally Posted by Alive99

Clearly they did have it:

"talking about our future. Plan a holiday together, exchanging house keys, fantasising about living abroad together for a few years"

"I made it clear many times that I'm serious with her, I am done fooling around"

Also, obviously, they have a sexual life now, and they regularly spend the nights together. So unless you expect people to always specify separately that it isn't an open or polyamorous relationship....it should be obvious that it's supposed to be an exclusive one.

None of that indicates there was an agreement on BOTH sides. It indicates that by discussing these things he is ASSUMING they have an agreement.

It's a common assumption. Especially if they're telling each other "I love you," having sex, and it (a committed monogamous relationship) is what one side wants. She does seem to be giving mixed messages - saying "I love you," saying "I want to be single," etc. But yeah not everyone has the same idea when it comes to dating. Some people are not serious right away, some people are. Honestly, I can't tell from the OP's post if she is a liar or if she is just confused or not communicating properly or what. That's why I suggest being direct in communication.

[Alive99]

Originally Posted by Molinit

None of that indicates there was an agreement on BOTH sides. It indicates that by discussing these things he is ASSUMING they have an agreement.

Even the courts don't expect you to have made everything formally explicit, they do use realistic assumptions to be able to make a judgment about a case. Based on what OP already described, it would be dishonest behaviour for the woman to use the idea of "this wasn't an explicit agreement" as an excuse for anything.

Originally Posted by Molinit

Did you ever have the conversation where you clearly stated you are not going to date or see anyone else? Because very early on, she clearly told you she isn't fully committed to you. Unless you had the conversation with both of you deciding not to see anyone else, she still isn't committed to you and asking about people posting to her Instagram is inappropriate.

Thought about this again. I think, this woman is obviously aware that this guy wants an exclusive relationship as that has been communicated already, fully explicitly too based on the first post of OP. The woman is also aware that OP associates regular sex with an exclusive relationship, as well as words and behaviours about being in love, including talking about the future. Just like most people do too. So if she seriously thinks that she's still not committed then she has a responsibility to inform OP of this as soon as she does/enters into anything that OP would see as part of an exclusive relationship. Doesn't look like she's done that kind of informing at all.

[leomama]

Find someone your own age please.

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[leomama]

Um I’m a woman who was in an age disparate relationship when I was in my 30s.
I didn’t act like this woman.
She sounds immature.
Should I apologize for saying the truth as I see it?
A woman in her 40s wouldn’t behave that way.
A man in his 40s need to be discerning if he wants to date a woman in her 20s. This poster doesn’t sound like he has that discernment yet.

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[Alive99]

Originally Posted by WovenGalaxy

It's a common assumption. Especially if they're telling each other "I love you," having sex, and it (a committed monogamous relationship) is what one side wants. She does seem to be giving mixed messages - saying "I love you," saying "I want to be single," etc. But yeah not everyone has the same idea when it comes to dating. Some people are not serious right away, some people are. Honestly, I can't tell from the OP's post if she is a liar or if she is just confused or not communicating properly or what. That's why I suggest being direct in communication.

I've had to deal with people who did mixed signals like that (whether romantic relationship or not). My conclusion from all my experiences with that is that with serious matters it's not an excuse that someone is just confused or not communicating properly. Since it still has serious consequences, that is, it can be quite damaging nonetheless, unfortunately.

And at the age of 29, people should really be able to be mature enough to communicate such basics, anyway. I agree, being direct with communication about these things is absolutely needed.

But yeah, technically we can't tell if she's doing all of this intentionally (liar) or not intentionally (being all over the place). But that's not even what matters, because the consequences can be bad in both cases.

Again, sure, it is possible that this woman likes to fantasise too much and has er, lax/fuzzy boundaries with guys, and not think of consequences and is all over the place, but she's most likely also self-absorbed in this case, not having considered the guy's feelings and how she would be affecting his feelings if she continues behaving like this.

Bottom line: she displays dishonest behaviour, whether in a considered way or not, and probably self-absorbed too. At best, very, very immature and not ready for a serious relationship.

Alive99, oh I agree that whatever is going on in her head is not an excuse to treat someone poorly / give mixed messages. I've been on his end as well. Yes its very hurtful. The word "ethics" comes to mind. You're going to want to treat the people you are dating well, regardless of if you're serious about them, not, or confused somewhere in the middle. OP needs a direct coversation with her. In his post I could really sense that he likes her and that is really a hard thing to let go of. He may have to. Hopefully he will respond here though that's not always the case with new posters so we will see.

She may be at an age where she "should" be considering his feelings. Should is often a word I'm wary of though.

"sure, it is possible that this woman likes to fantasise too much and has er, lax/fuzzy boundaries with guys, and not think of consequences and is all over the place"

What do you mean by "fantasize too much"? What do you mean by "lax/ fuzzy boundaries with guys"? There is an air of judgment to your tone.

[Alive99]

Originally Posted by WovenGalaxy

Alive99, oh I agree that whatever is going on in her head is not an excuse to treat someone poorly / give mixed messages. I've been on his end as well. Yes its very hurtful. The word "ethics" comes to mind. You're going to want to treat the people you are dating well, regardless of if you're serious about them, not, or confused somewhere in the middle. OP needs a direct coversation with her. In his post I could really sense that he likes her and that is really a hard thing to let go of. He may have to. Hopefully he will respond here though that's not always the case with new posters so we will see.

Totally agree. I'm afraid too that he may have to let go of this, yeah. I mean I practically see it as the outcome, like with 99% chance.... And yes I sense it too that it's hard for OP because of the feelings

She may be at an age where she "should" be considering his feelings. Should is often a word I'm wary of though.

Hm, I think the "should" refers to idealism with how that is what would work and be most beneficial to everyone but in reality it won't necessarily happen/won't necessarily be done

"sure, it is possible that this woman likes to fantasise too much and has er, lax/fuzzy boundaries with guys, and not think of consequences and is all over the place"

What do you mean by "fantasize too much"? What do you mean by "lax/ fuzzy boundaries with guys"? There is an air of judgment to your tone.

By fantasising too much I meant how if she really doesn't think she's committed then whatever she talked about with OP about the future, and things like that, was too much fantasising pulling OP in emotionally too much. It's too much because OP is looking for a serious relationship and he even let her know about that multiple times.

And lax/fuzzy boundaries with guys refers to how she posts stuff like that sexy photo and then talks to guys in a flirty tone after posting such a thing, meanwhile she's supposedly dating OP. That to me is definitely fuzzy boundaries.

It also refers to how she says things like she's in love and has sex with OP but she is maybe not committed yet?!

And is part of the reason why I said OP should end this relationship because he's looking for a serious relationship where that just doesn't fit.

And yes, I've judged her behaviour because it's clearly damaging to OP. He's already worried and overthinking and is confused where a relationship really shouldn't be that way but it should instead be fulfilling, warm, and fostering trust and love and everything.

[divine1966]

You are saying you aren’t noticing the age difference but maybe she has concerns about it. Are you two planning on marrying or/and having kids? No judgement about age difference but perhaps she thinks about it. When she’ll get 60, you’ll be 80. I am 55 and am “young” 55, id not consider dating 75 year old and certainly wouldn’t consider marriage. Did you discuss with her where is this going and what’s her plans?

@Alive99 thank you for clarifying!

[JasonPerreira0]

OP here!

Wow. First of all thank every single one of you for replying so extensively and taking this seriously! So much insights I got from reading all your viewpoints.

My conclusion? I should lower my expectations about this girl/relationship by a LOT.

I realise I misjudged her 'mental' age. I am what you would call a 'young' 47 year old. I'm not committed to anyone, don't have an ex wife and adult kids or anything, I have spend my life traveling the world and lived in different continents and have been a freelancer all my life. I've seen many things in my life and surround myself with people from all ages and backgrounds.

I have friends who are in their early thirties that I completely level with. I figured that her being 29 = almost 30 = almost early thirties. She has a daytime job, is not a student anymore and comes across very mature at first glance. But I see now that she is mentally/emotionally more a 25 year old instead of a 35 year old.

She's a good person though. She has some issues and yes she is still figuring herself out. She comes from a troubled childhood. She had two 'longer' relationships in her life, the most recent one with a narcissist. Probably ended up with a narc because of her negative self image. From what I learned is that he basically destroyed her self esteem, always judging her for her appearance, never doing enough, never being enough. He made her insecure about everything.

The reason she got attracted to me (she came after me, not the other way around, to be clear) is that guys her own age didn't really understand what she was going through. We started off having this great chemistry intellectually and from that came the kissing and hugging and feeling safe and secure.

At the same time I think she never had the mental space to heal from her childhood and following unhealthy relationships. Perhaps escaping in party/dating-lifestyle gave her a boost in her self esteem. But that eventually keeps the wound open.

I think it's a combination of fear of commitment and fear of abandonment at the same time and this confuses her so much she can't fully dive into our 'relationship'. At the same time she perhaps needs some validation from (other) men to feel good about herself, and maybe as a safety net just in case I might dump her unexpectedly.

I'm gonna take a huge step back and lower my expectations. I got carried away too, love makes your head spin sometimes. But I have to be a lot more realistic.

I will see how this goes, just be there for her and if she wants to continue playing boyfriend/girlfriend for a while that's ok. But I know now this will not work long term.

Like some of you said, no point in confronting about the instagram post. It will only give her another reason to think she's doing it 'wrong' and likely deny or downplay it, even if it IS something fishy.

I'm gonna be literally the older and wiser person and smile from a distance and hope I can make a positive impact on her life.

Everybody, thanks again for all your input. It helped me greatly to come to some conclusions.

If anyone wants to elaborate further, feel free to respond.

Thanks.

[Alive99]

Originally Posted by JasonPerreira0

OP here!

Wow. First of all thank every single one of you for replying so extensively and taking this seriously! So much insights I got from reading all your viewpoints.

My conclusion? I should lower my expectations about this girl/relationship by a LOT.

Hey. Glad if this thread helped you. I do think that based on the info you've given here it makes the most sense to not take this relationship too seriously, regardless of what the reasons are for her behaviour and regardless of what her intents may be. It is nice of you to want to be there for her at the same time and to be a positive influence to her, even though doing all that from a distance with a smile. It's a very constructive approach. And if you aren't overly involved emotionally and stay realistic that will help with avoiding getting burned, too, regardless of why she has these behaviours, i.e. whether your theories about her behaviours are correct or not. I'm not trying to say that your theories are wrong, I don't know her, but it's obviously just theories and assumptions. And I personally think that a few months isn't enough anyway to judge whether someone's truly a good person or not. She may be a good person yes, I don't know her, but it's an assumption at this point, in my opinion. And other thoughts are also just assumptions at this point in time. So if I have any advice it's just that if I were you I would keep an open mind, notice all new information and not stick to a specific theory or assumption about her. You can use it as a working hypothesis but be relaxed about it, don't try to stick to it too strongly, if that makes sense. Good luck!

Hi JasonPerreira0, I admire your emotional intelligence, understanding and kindness. Best to you!